In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

[KMoo22]

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

I assume now that you won't be seeing them again op??

@MichelleScarn i feel awful that its come to this.
But how many time can I endure being thrust upon and being made to feel forced to do what they want?

I just do not get the fascination of 'alone time'.. he's 10 weeks old, he's literally just stopped going cross eyed every time he looks at us and he's finally smiling as he recognises us properly. The alone time thing FRIGHTENS ME, they dont get pregnancy loss one bit. I was terrified id never have a baby, he's been so patiently waited for by me and is so loved by both me and my partner its untrue. But when they say let us take him for a walk ALONE, my skin crawls and my toes curl completely!

I think i find it more abnormal as the FIL said when they were babies didn't let any of them sleep put out until she had stopped breast feeding.

Yet so much pressure is being put on me to hand him over and stop Breastfeeding now?

@awwbiscuits iv have no intentions of planning a visit... iv got a lot on this week so I'm overly engaged this weekly luckily!

They sound deranged. They would be nowhere near me or my baby until there had been a huge apology and over time with supervised visits they had shown rhey could be reasonable

@KMoo22 do NOT feel awful or sad, this is all on them and their crazy behaviour. If it wasn't for them and their wants of control they could have a nice grandparental relationship!

You know often when people talk about people behaving narcissistically on here there are often posters who doubt the perspective of the poster suggesting narcissism. That is textbook narcissistic behaviour. Whether they are narcissists or not is debatable but that behaviour is definitely narcissistic.

Controlling, belittling, undermining, patently untrue. What a pair of toxic twats. Put either a metaphorical or literal ocean between you and those people. They are damaged and damaging.

They sound utterly deranged. Tit feed? How vulgar.

I wouldn't want them spending any unsupervised time with my baby, and supervised visits would be seriously limited (if at all).

Well for Xmas I would be sending her a Baby Annabel.
And never seeing her again.
My mil told me all she had planned for when dd slept there.
Dd never did.
Oh and dd wasn't the first of her dgc. But the first girl after 6 boys.
She needs therapy op.
Before you do.

@Ragwort the worst thing is I would love nothing more than for them to be involved at a reasonable level!

At first i just got excited vibes. First time we visited them so their dog could see the baby and have a sniff so she could get used to him coming with us, we literally got ghere before I even got through the door the car seat was snatched from me and my MIL and her 2 daughters all had their faces and hands in there crowding around him. I just thought poor kid will be thinking who are these lot and where the hells my mum?
I asked them nudge over so I could get to him and give him a feed and a change, unclipped his belts my MIL made a run and grabbed him, changed him then looked at me and moved from room to room to barricade me from taking him for a feed! Then she wondered why I refused to go back to their house. Went a 2nd time (benefit of the doubt) she purposely placed herself next to his car seat, kept poking and stroking him as he slept to wake him up!

Was like make a fuss by all means BUT LET HIM SLEEP. Keep your hands and toes to yourselves, let him wake him, let him come and let my face be the first and only that he sees when he's awake so he feels comfortable and he knows I'm near, THEN I will pass him over.
If i let you all grab him the poor bugger is going to shit himself, get really upset and wonder where the hell I am and scream the roof off.

Did that sink in? NO. It makes me selfish and possessive..

@Rounddog he worst thing is I would love nothing more than for them to be involved at a reasonable level!

At first i just got excited vibes. First time we visited them so their dog could see the baby and have a sniff so she could get used to him coming with us, we literally got ghere before I even got through the door the car seat was snatched from me and my MIL and her 2 daughters all had their faces and hands in there crowding around him. I just thought poor kid will be thinking who are these lot and where the hells my mum?
I asked them nudge over so I could get to him and give him a feed and a change, unclipped his belts my MIL made a run and grabbed him, changed him then looked at me and moved from room to room to barricade me from taking him for a feed! Then she wondered why I refused to go back to their house. Went a 2nd time (benefit of the doubt) she purposely placed herself next to his car seat, kept poking and stroking him as he slept to wake him up!

Was like make a fuss by all means BUT LET HIM SLEEP. Keep your hands and toes to yourselves, let him wake him, let him come and let my face be the first and only that he sees when he's awake so he feels comfortable and he knows I'm near, THEN I will pass him over.
If i let you all grab him the poor bugger is going to shit himself, get really upset and wonder where the hell I am and scream the roof off.

Did that sink in? NO. It makes me selfish and possessive

I would also say OP, that I had a particularly enraged reaction to my in-laws and while yours sound genuinely unreasonable, my in-laws didn't have to do very much for me to be 0-100. Just bear that in mind because women usually return to their Mums and some MIL feel like women take their sons and grandchildren away. It's a tricky one. I've also watched friends turn into near psychotic Mama Bears with their in-laws after they had their baby (you sound like you have reason, I'm just saying why it might be as bad as it is). I'm just noting that even the idea of them taking him for a walk is making you physically react with anxiety and revulsion - that's not necessarily just their overbearingness, I was the same and I had no idea just how fiercely protective and anguished I was about my child and how that came across to others.

It sounds like they have completely forgotten what it's like to be parents of babies and also I do think a certain generation was expected to just put up with interfering family members moreso than now. I was pissed off by visitors who didn't call in advance (GIL brought round random friends of hers who I didn't know and I was furious), people wearing perfumes and aftershaves when they held her because then her beautiful babyness smelt of stupid sprays and powders - it made me mad as a hatter. People not handing back when she cried etc etc.

Are our MILs related? I have a 1 year old and had similar issues with mine. (See my recent post on her not telling us they had Covid just so she could see dd…). Honestly I think you need to take over the conversation and have it direct with MIL. As I didn’t feel that dh was really getting the point across and any apology that may or may not come does not feel the same if it is not direct to you.

It made me feel physically sick how my MIL felt ownership over dd. did she have the scars to show for carrying that child? Absolutely not. Frankly tell them to do one until they can respect your the mother. It’s more than your right.

so sorry for this extra burden OP being a new mum is hard enough

Oh ok, just read your last post. They sound batshit!

@excitingusername i think for her she seems to think because her son let her do everything and STILL does she can do it with me and the baby.

Im close to my mum anyways NATURALLY and she has some extreme jealousy over her which iv never understood as shes obsessed that my mum has him alone, feeds, changes, dresses him etc in reality she doesnt!! My dad's always at work he sees him for an hour maybe before we go to bed??

Shes fixated on all things and doing things with him being about her which ok fine she has first time grandma syndrome. But her hints went to nagging, nagging went to demanding, demanding has turned to possessiveness. Its like whenever shes with him she feels she can just waltz in and do what she wants and doesn't need permission...

Iv said you can have him for sleepovers WHEN he is old enough, but its not happening right now. Have patience and stop wishing his life away!

This sort of behaviour absolutely ruins in law relationships - I don't think mine ever fully recovered from it tbh. I don't understand why in-laws go so bloody crazy!
How you feel is completely normal, your in-laws are trying to get in the way of your natural bond with your baby and your instincts are screaming against it.

If this was me, I'd make it really easy and block all contact. They would cease to exist for me. DP can tell them it's their own doing. No discussion, no negotiation. You've tried being nice and look where it got you.

I think the jealousy thing is way worse in some women than others. My MIL was incredibly laid-back, but her own MIL was very needy and intrusive, I wonder if some Grandmothers have a genuine hormonal response.

Just know that first-time Mums can see everything as a threat and an invasion. It's definitely a thing.

In-laws are infuriating too though, I struggled and still would probably if they were near tbh. I don't think I ever really stopped being that bit hostile with them.

It’s like you are the Handmaid, and must hand the baby over to them on demand.

They sound bloody unhinged.

Do NOT give ip breast feeding. Never let them see your child. They are nasty and deranged. They think your baby is a thing.

@excitingusername i honestly think she finds it hard too accept that for the first time in her life shes not in charge of something and for some reason a mother and her daughter are closer which is natural? I think she finds it hard too accept that I wont ever put her before my mum.

My mum made, carried, birthed and raised me, she will always be my priority above anyone except not before my baby ofc! He comes first always.

But she just lit a fire inside me and she let it spread and get out of control with her lack of willingness to listen, accept and get along with!

So what are you going to do?

Are they a different culture?
In Britain's white culture the baby belongs to the mum and dad. But that is not the same everywhere. In some cultures the baby does belong to the wider family. That does not mean you have to accept that, but just try and see their point of view.
I come from a different culture and do not understand how my nieces and nephews are not seen as the wider family. I ended up withdrawing and having little to do with them. There seemed no point being involved only to get rebuffed.

Yep sounds like it. Don't let the fire burn YOU out though, because that rage could cause you problems and you don't need that. Don't revisit the whole situation until you've had time to calm, try and distract yourself from it and enjoy your boy, noone can take him, he is completely yours. Potentially, eventually, your son may need his Grandparents on that side. They are out of line now but they are family and in the future they might (might!) be a boon to you if you are happy with their overall approach when he's older. I hope the situation resolves a bit :s

Sounds like an extreme case of empty nest syndrome!! It's like your in laws haven't been able to get over the fact your partner is now grown up and doesn't need them now so they are trying to fill that void with the new baby. It's scary just how obsessed they are with your baby. I can't believe your FIL said your baby belongs to everyone. That's such a weird thing for him to say!! I have no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Sounds like a living nightmare!

Perhaps the in laws could do with some counselling to address their very obvious empty nest syndrome!!

It sounds like they don't trust you to bring up their grandchild and they want control. I don't see what else you can do other than cut off contact, for now at least.

They are selfish and callous and probably jelous of the bond you have with your baby.

They have no right to make you stop BF your baby which you have more than every right to.

I really don't understand how someone can try and seperate a young baby from their mother, its totally HORRIFIC to me.

Again, you need as much distance from the monster in laws and your partner needs to grow a spine and back you up,

Or else.......is for you to decide.