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Graduates returning to the nest, a new start for all!

459 replies

VanCleefArpels · 01/07/2022 23:08

Carrying on from the 2019/20 Uni students thread let’s talk about what it’s like to have our fresh graduates home, for some of us invading our nice empty nest, for all of us creating a new household dynamic…….

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/07/2022 16:17

When ds is able we will be asking for a contribution to food ( and probably put it by for when he moves out...if he ever does 😉)

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Benjispruce4 · 03/07/2022 21:31

Well, DD is home and has suddenly realised she may no longer qualify for student discount at Boots, ASOS etc 😂
Have piled the garage high with her bags. She has an interview this week so fingers crossed 🤞🏻.

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SecretSquirrils · 03/07/2022 21:48

I recognise some names on this thread from my years on HE.
Both of my DC came home for a year after graduation. DS1 did a year's teacher training from home and then moved out when he started work.
DS2 graduated in 2019. Planned a gap year, to work 6 months then travel 6 months. He got a job locally and saved up to travel but covid scuppered that.
He then got a grad scheme and moved to a city where he basically worked from a bedroom in a house share. Two years on he still works from home though in his own place now.
It was an adjustment having them back, and a pleasure. In fact DS2 has bounced back 3 times for varying periods.
They do rather tend to regress to teenage levels of mess but we have plenty of room and made space for them to have a sitting room /office.
Both very frugal, keen savers and I never took any money from them. Often unpopular on MN but I don't need it and they are perfectly capable of financial management.
Their "stuff" filled the garage as well as the house.
I miss it all. The noise, the mess, the music, their cooking. When DS2 moved out last time I reckoned it was the 5th time we've had empty nest, probably the last but never say never.

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MargaretThursday · 03/07/2022 22:46

We have a bit of an issue on rent.
DD1 is home and she will (I know) save most of anything she earns. She wants to have enough for a good house deposit, and we can afford to subsidise her for the time being.
However:
Dd2 is also taking a year out before going to university. She's planning on getting a job too. But she's not a saver. She's a spender, preferably someone else's money, but for her it's always been money in money out. She earns a little currently, and it all goes on You-tuber's merchandise or theatre tickets.
So ideally we'd charge her rent and save it for her or she will have nothing left at the end of the year.

But dd2 is also very good at feeling put out. If we don't charge dd1 rent, and charge her then I am confident the world will be told. She told my dm last year exactly that-that we were going to charge her rent because she'd got a job but hadn't charged dd1 even though she also had a job (she didn't). The facts of we had never said anything about rent to either of them and had no intention of charging her didn't get in the way of a good indignant story.
I'm also confident if we tell them to open a savings account and transfer money into it leaving them with a little that dd1 will do it...

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bigTillyMint · 04/07/2022 07:04

Glad your DH got your DD out of bed @Benjispruce4 and good luck for the job!

@MargaretThursday, my two are very competitive, so there are lots of conversations about who is paying rent/getting help with extra study, etc. DS is likely to have more studying to come, so may be here for a while, but DD is likely to get a big promotion in the next year, so is thinking she may move out then….

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LouisCatorze · 04/07/2022 08:44

@SecretSquirrils hello.

@MargaretThursday you could charge DD1 the same as DD2 (but also put it to one side to give back to her at some future point)?

Yes, siblings can be annoyingly competitive and just aware of what is spent on the other. DD is always reminding me that DS did two expensive sixth form field trips (and then we paid for him to go away with his friends after his A Levels), so feels she has those opportunities 'banked' for future use.

Good luck with having your DD1 back at home @Benjispruce4 and for her interview this week.

No word from DS as yet. He's like the elusive 21st century Pimpernel!

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VanCleefArpels · 04/07/2022 08:55

Siblings have an amazing memory for benefits bestowed on the other don’t they 🤣

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atiaofthejulii · 04/07/2022 09:20

Ironically my recent graduate is the only one NOT at home at present!

Eldest two both finished uni in June 2020. Eldest got a TA job locally as couldn’t face WFH, has done that for two years and is about to start a PGCE locally in September. She applied to other places and I was trying to encourage her to move out but she decided staying at home would be cheaper and easier. For her! 😃

Second one did a masters, lived away from home for about half, but life and the course were so restricted still and so little in person contact, that she was at home for quite a lot of it. Now works from home freelance. Wants to move out but a bit concerned about high cost of living at present - I think she will be looking seriously again later in the year when her work usually calms down a little.

Third has a job starting in 3 weeks, girlfriend, and flat in their uni city. Barring disaster I can’t imagine he’ll ever be living at home again. In fact the second one has taken over his bedroom so she has a separate office and bedroom!

And the youngest had an abortive start at uni last autumn, came home in January and is going again in September. Doing very little but seems happy again which is the main thing!

We don’t give the youngest any money, other than still paying her £10pcm phone bill, but she has only just run out of her first term’s loan - hated being there so hardly spent any money doing anything! And she has some savings that will get her through the summer. (For various reasons she hasn’t got a job - had ideally hoped she could have done but wasn’t to be.)

And we don’t charge the older two rent - we don’t need it, and charging a token amount seemed pointless. If we were to charge them full market rate so they got used to it that would be a huge amount. They’ve both been saving, which we prefer. But we do expect them to be fully-functioning adult household members - so no leaving the kitchen like a bomb’s hit it etc. They do laundry, cooking, look after the dog, and so on. If they pick up dinner on the way home from work or do a top up shop, they don’t expect to be recompensed for it.

So we all run along quite happily and tbh having someone around is very useful for my dog who hates being alone. This is my only worry about dd2 moving out!

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atiaofthejulii · 04/07/2022 09:20

rub along!

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SecretSquirrils · 04/07/2022 14:00

VanCleefArpels · 04/07/2022 08:55

Siblings have an amazing memory for benefits bestowed on the other don’t they 🤣

Absolutely. I have a spreadsheet on order to make sure I keep the balance😂
They both got roughly the same help - driving lessons, car, money towards house deposit. It also helped that by coincidence they both lived at home for a year after graduation.


@LouisCatorze Hi!

@MargaretThursday I see your dilemma. I'm usually in the camp of teaching them to manage money rather than doing it for them but would it help to call it uni savings rather than rent? Seems a shame to penalise one because of the other.

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MargaretThursday · 04/07/2022 15:32

VanCleefArpels · 04/07/2022 08:55

Siblings have an amazing memory for benefits bestowed on the other don’t they 🤣

Yes and a remarkable ability of explaining why the benefit they received didn't really count. 🤣🤣🤣

I think we probably will end up charging them both "rent" and saving it for them. DD1 will understand why, although it doesn't feel totally fair on her.
Dd2 tends to spend everything, and then fall onto a bed of roses when she needs something, whereas dd1 is always careful, and saves for the rainy day while it's raining.
Ds is between the two and younger, so less of a concern.

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VanCleefArpels · 04/07/2022 16:36

margaretthursday my 2 have wildly different attitudes to money too! It difficult to treat them equally when they are pursuing different roads though. Older one in a profession where they will always be paid far more (younger one in public sector) and lives in London (younger one in Home Counties, couldn’t think of anything worse than living in London). We are in the fortunate position of being able to help them with property deposits In due course but if we assume the same amount to be given to both then their buying power is going to be very different. One to ponder for the future…..

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motogirl · 04/07/2022 16:39

Still trying to stash our two graduates belongings, (one dd a piece, both chose to live with usConfused)

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Benjispruce4 · 04/07/2022 16:44

I’ve always tried to treat them equally. DD1 had a school trip at the end of 6th form that we contributed £300 to so when DD2’s turn came and Covid stopped play, I mentally logged it. This year she was offered to go with a friend’s family to their villa so we paid for her flight and gave her spending money so it was equivalent to the trip.
DD1 has unpacked today while I’ve been at work and made her small room look nice. She’s already making noises about DD2’s room being much bigger(it was DD1’s before uni) but we’re not planned on increasing our mortuary this late stage in the game. I do wonder what architects have in mind when they design houses with a box room, as babies do grow!

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Benjispruce4 · 04/07/2022 16:45

  • not planning on increasing our mortgage!!! Or visiting the mortuary for that matter! 🙏🏻
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LouisCatorze · 04/07/2022 17:19

@Benjispruce4 we have the same issue but DS not yet home so we have that ahead of us.

DD was supposed to get her equivalent of one of DS's sixth form trips in Year 9 (MFL-related) but sadly it was cancelled due to the first lockdown.

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Xenia · 04/07/2022 18:51

I have a list too of who has had what and try to treat all 5 equally - including the money for a wedding (2 married so far) and they have all had the same towards a first property purchase. I certainly don't add up who has had the most spent on food however but it all feels pretty equal and fair.

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bigTillyMint · 04/07/2022 22:41

VanCleefArpels · 04/07/2022 08:55

Siblings have an amazing memory for benefits bestowed on the other don’t they 🤣

OMG yes!!!

I am wishing I had a list @SecretSquirrils and yes! @MargaretThursday 😫

We are all now in Bristol for DDs graduation tomorrow. We had a lovely journey and meal out together, but DH and I have now been dumped and DD has taken DS to meet up with her MSc ex-coursemates!

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MargaretThursday · 04/07/2022 23:35

DD1 has unpacked today while I’ve been at work and made her small room look nice. She’s already making noises about DD2’s room being much bigger

DD2 has the biggest room of the children by quite a long way (although possibly the least clear floor space). The house has 2 double rooms and 2 single, and when we moved she was just getting to the stage of lots of big toys and dd1 (who'd had the big room in the previous house) was growing out of them. This didn't stop a conversation I had with someone a few weeks ago where I discovered she'd given the impression she had a box room and the other two had double bedrooms. 🤣🤣🤣 Facts don't feature very highly at times.

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LouisCatorze · 05/07/2022 08:31

Young people these days seem to be much more on the ball about 'fairness' (or is it money?) than we were. Perhaps too much so? As if life can always be entirely 'fair' (it's not, is it?).

Yes, I reckon there's a lot of distortion of facts going on to suit their hard-done-by narratives. DD does it all the time.

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icanbewhatiwant · 05/07/2022 08:42

Talking of comparing money charged/given to siblings. From a young age ds2 used to add up their birthday and Christmas present values to check if we spent the same on them all!

Ds1 went to Iceland with the school. Ds2 was meant to go to Spain on a football trip on 20th March 2020 it would have been his first time on a plane. But it was cancelled. He didn't go on another trip. He's never said anything. But his university life is going to cost us more. Ds1 managed on his student loan. Ds2 is hoping to go to Sussex sept. The cost of rents will be more than Norwich plus he wants to spend a year abroad. So I'm not going to compare how much they get. Ds3 is only year 8 so too far behind his brothers to remember what I spent. I hope by the time he goes to university the older 2 will have moved out! I can see ds1 still being home. I think once ds2 goes to university he won't ever live back home. He's going to enjoy city life.

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BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/07/2022 08:44

My DD has just finished uni and is staying in her uni town. She’s moved into another house with two friends who are doing the same for a year. They’ve been lucky that the companies they have worked for part time have all offered them full time roles - retail/hospitality. So they’ll have enough to pay rent and live reasonably well.

DD said she needs a year of no studying and working without much deep thought, interspersed with fun and hopefully a bit of travel. Then she’ll either do a masters or look for a graduate job 🤞.

I think that’s a great idea, my only concern is that she’ll continue doing this which would be a waste with a degree and massive student debt.

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SecretSquirrils · 05/07/2022 15:45

@BigSandyBalls2015 I think that's a great idea. DS2 worked in a supermarket for six months after graduation, he found it too much trying to apply for jobs or grad schemes while still studying.

add up their birthday and Christmas present values to check if we spent the same on them all! I used to do this. Especially when the older one reached the stage of smaller / expensive gifts while the younger still played with plastic tat which makes bigger parcels.

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MissConductUS · 05/07/2022 15:59

I hope no one minds if I join in.

DS graduated from uni in Boston at the end of May and has been home with us in New York since then. He has a full-time job but has pushed the start date until September so that he can take some additional undergraduate courses online over the summer.

We (mostly me) are slowly going through the clothes, school supplies, and assorted tat he accumulated in his four years away. Some is getting binned, some is going to the charity shop and some is going into vacuum sealed bags for storage. Rents are very high here, so he will stay with us for a while to save money. We are happy to have him home, as are the two cats.

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simbobs · 05/07/2022 17:03

Thanks for the new thread. We have moved DD's stuff back home as her health forces her to live with us for the time being, and it is all still in the garage. I haven't found the living will to sort through it yet, and honestly do not have anywhere to store some of it.

DS is staying in his uni city with some of last year's housemates, irrespective of whether he does end up resuming his course - still waiting to hear from uni about that. He does have a job there at the moment. He only moved yesterday and is miffed to have been left with the smallest room in the house but that's what comes of being last to move in. I would have gone mad if he had also decided to move home, as we really can't fit everything into our house.

I can't imagine charging our DC rent, but DS is hardly ever here, and DD unable to earn, so not a conversation that we are having. I do remember my parents charging my brother rent, then later on paying it back into his bank account.

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