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Graduates returning to the nest, a new start for all!

459 replies

VanCleefArpels · 01/07/2022 23:08

Carrying on from the 2019/20 Uni students thread let’s talk about what it’s like to have our fresh graduates home, for some of us invading our nice empty nest, for all of us creating a new household dynamic…….

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Benjispruce4 · 24/07/2022 09:54

Are you not working? I was initially but as I work term time, the hols are very long to be around each other 24/7. I have DD2 18 as well and they don’t always run along well together.

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VanCleefArpels · 24/07/2022 09:56

Agree LinkedIn is important these days as recruitment agents trawl it to find candidates. If she is effectively making a full time job of finding a job I’d cut a bit of slack for a few weeks. However I wouldn’t be going out of my way to do “fun things” with her. It’s not your job to entertain your adult child on a regular basis and you have your own life to lead

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 09:58

I will ask her . Thanks. And yes her applicaptions are time consuming , which is her rationale of keeping her time free.

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 10:01

Yes i am working but only 2 days a week. Dh is full time and so when I am around dd wants to stuff with me. I think, well know, she is lonley and feels a bit lost post graduating .

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 10:03

I know what you mean abour my own life to lead . Am a big walker. She asks to come. Its not healthy for a 20 odd year old to be so isolated . We live in a very small place . No costa etc to wfh in etc .

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Benjispruce4 · 24/07/2022 10:06

@Alltheseasonsaregreat I know the feeling. but hopefully it won’t be long now. I really felt for DD coming home as she’d absolutely made the most of her uni experience and is very sociable and was used to partying and being with 4 other girls all the time. I can’t be all of that for her. In between working she’s been keeping up her exercising that she got into at uni and selling loads of clothing on Vinted. She’s away this weekend with uni friends which has been good for all of us.😉

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icanbewhatiwant · 24/07/2022 10:36

@Alltheseasonsaregreat I'd love a dc who wanted to do stuff with me. I have 3 ds's who don't want to be with me at all. Well...ds3 is only 13 so wants to do stuff I don't want to do, like play monopoly or risk, both of which I hate, or watch some film at the cinema I won't like (bad mum, I know) But actual stuff I'd like to do like walking, shopping, or a trip out somewhere they aren't interested in. Perhaps that is because they are boys. So I'd say enjoy it while she still wants to. I do think any job is better than no job, but maybe not for a month or so, but if she still hasn't got a job in a couple of months, then surely any job would be good.

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 10:50

She wants company as lonley ! I wdnt say i am first choice😂

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bigTillyMint · 24/07/2022 11:07

It definitely takes a period of readjustment when they come home! DD has been back for 9 months now and it feels much easier than it did initially, even though she started her grad job a couple of weeks after she came back. And now DS is back too! And we don’t live in a big house with loads of space.

@Alltheseasonsaregreat, it may be a bit trickier for your DD coming back to a new place not where her friends/old life were? Mine have loads of friends here and plenty of stuff to do, so they aren’t hanging around us and there’s no feeling of needing to entertain them. We do do stuff together, but it doesn’t feel a burden IYSWIM.

My DS is taking the summer off - he has worked so hard, and found the lockdowns/restrictions difficult, so we are very happy for him to do that. His friends here are much less ambitious than many he met at uni, so it feels very normal to him to not panic about getting a grad job. He has a good work ethic, so we are fairly confident that he will sort himself out in due course!

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 11:45

Possibly it is more intense as we are rural and no where near anyone she knows .
I think i am.a bit concerned for her has she has no one to bounce her ideas of ,other than her partner and us when she does not get the jobs she applies for . Struggling with rejections after.the high of graduation .
Plus , with a general degree rather than vocational she seems a bit lost. Which is why it possibly feels intense to me as am aware.she needs support.
So its the 24/7 in house combined with my feeling that I should keep and eye on her as suspect waning confidence .

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VanCleefArpels · 24/07/2022 12:41

Most university career services are available to graduates for a period after they leave - might this be a useful call for her to make?

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Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 12:58

Yes good idea !

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RampantIvy · 24/07/2022 13:13

DD's university posted on FB yesterday that their careers service is available for up to 3 years after the student graduates.

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bigTillyMint · 24/07/2022 14:18

Yes I think Durham is available for longer than a year? Not sure how much use DS has made!

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DrMadelineMaxwell · 26/07/2022 02:38

We are stuck in limbo. Dd was doing so well with all the feedback for her exams and assignments....then am email out of the blue telling her her dissertation wasnt up to scratch and could she confirm she wanted to resubmit it..they have given her another month to polish it and resubmit.
She was absolutely devastated but has admitted she was very low and had a bit of a breakdown when it was nearly due and she tried to rewrite it in a hurry.
She has taken on board the criticism and is busy making a better job of it.

But it has meant she had to cancel all her graduation stuff and.get a refund on the gown hire and photos. And she was hoping to do a masters which is now not possible as It starts in Sept and she wont now get her results until sometime in September.

I think not going straight into a masters is not a bad thing under the circumstances but I feel sorry for her having all her plans and dreams slip through her fingers.

I also think that someone at the uni could have taken the time to see and speak to her face to face about this rather than just send an email.

She has no idea what this has done to her possible finishing degree classification and has gone from someone working towards a first to someone worried they arent even going to scrape a third.

Not good. (Cathartic rant over!)

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RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 07:09

Oh that's awful @DrMadelineMaxwell. Why didn't her dissertation tutor flag this up earlier?

I hope she gets over this bump successfully.

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bigTillyMint · 26/07/2022 07:10

Oh gosh @DrMadelineMaxwell, that sounds so hard. Many sympathies. Is your DD getting any support with the rewrite?

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/07/2022 07:37

@DrMadelineMaxwell that sounds difficult. After the re-write, could DD contact the university (some kind of pastoral care team or similar?) I'm wondering if medical/MH reasons were documented this would go towards final grade. Maybe if she was very borderline between two grades she would get a Viva (sp) assuming this is still done.
The important thing is to submit the dissertation, then get the other stuff sorted later. I'm sure she'll do better with your support than feeling isolated at uni. So many people struggle with MH and finals. Someone I studied with came to do finals from a psychiatric unit, so unfortunately more common than it should be Sad Good luck to you both Flowers

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/07/2022 07:38

And it may be that a year out, although it sounds like it has been forced on DD, would give her time to reset and recharge, particularly if you later decide on a productive plan for it.

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gogohmm · 26/07/2022 07:43

Who else still has boxes in the hallway/office? It's a month now and still the clutter! But she starts work today

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Mangolist · 26/07/2022 07:55

Our ds is coming home to live for 2 years (help!!!!) while he and his girlfriend - in a different city, save to buy a house. He amazingly got the first job he applied which is pretty well paid for a first job so we have negotiated rent and house rules for him and his younger dd, who is starting sixth form, to live by!
Luckily, we do all get on pretty well, but I'm imagining it will still have it's moments....just counting the two years down till dh and I can sell up and piss off 😁

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Mangolist · 26/07/2022 07:58

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 18:09

Are any of you planned to charge rent? Had an interesting conversation with one of the other mums at the graduation dinner about this. Our DD doesn’t have a full time job yet so we aren’t going to ask for rent. Her Dd has a well paid grad job so is asking for a contribution. When do they stop being children in that respect? We still pay DD’s phone contract but it’s over to her when this period ends. That’s as far as we’ve thought.

Definitely. We can't afford to have him here for free so have negotiated a fair amount which means he can save and we can feed him!

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Benjispruce4 · 26/07/2022 08:21

Sorry to hear that @DrMadelineMaxwell and I agree it’s a bit late in the day to give her that information. At the same time at least she has a chance to rectify it. Good luck to her and I hope that being at home with support will help.
@gogohmm yes, bin bags in the landing!
@Mangolist DD just for a job but to our surprise is moving out to share with uni friends so big sigh or relax that we have more space emotionally and physically tempered with apprehension on her behalf and shock that it’s happened so soon!

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Benjispruce4 · 26/07/2022 08:22

  • DD just got a job so big sigh of relief!
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VanCleefArpels · 26/07/2022 08:28

DD will be here at least 6 months while she completes her probation period at work. We are not charging rent but will “require” (to the extent that is possible!!) her to save at least 50% of her pay in order to create a nest egg to move on with. Rent is likely to be around that level anyway so it will be good for her to get used to a realistic level of spending money. She has commuting expenses to cover but we still pay for her car and phone. This will change eventually but our priority is to get her out first 😉😂

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