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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

135 replies

Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:34

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:35

Apologies for poor typing !

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 07/02/2021 19:36

Really, your dc need to deal with it. They should be thinking of creating their own home and circles. They may not realise it but they’re being very selfish.

Catnuzzle · 07/02/2021 19:38

Whilst I can understand you feeling guilty, I don't think you should. You housed your DC somewhere they were happy and settled. It's your turn now.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 07/02/2021 19:39

Oh dear. Well you can't move back, that would be mad - pressure on your dc to keep visiting for a start! They would like to combine a visit to you with a visit to old haunts and old friends, that is understandable, but presumably you have raised them to learn to stand on their own two feet and that is what they will have to do. I can remember being so unhappy when my family home was sold, I knew it needed to be (illness meant a bungalow was required) but even with that reason I was really sad and could hardly put my finger on why. I did get over it though!

musicinspring1 · 07/02/2021 19:39

Please don’t move back. Instead encourage your adult DC to think about their own lives abs support them in how they can achieve what they want to do - eg help them to save up for deposit to move in somewhere themselves , look for house shares etc. You put your dream of moving on hold for them but now they need to forge their own way.

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 19:41

Your DC will have their own home one day. It’s not up to you to keep your adult child happy. Now is your time.

CamVegOut · 07/02/2021 19:41

I think your children are unfair. How long should you stay in the old place? They are in their twenties. They can visit you and stay whenever and are welcome. If they want to go to the old town can they not stay on the couch ina friends house. You stayed until your ADULT children had a path in life. They would only stay with you for short periods of time now anyway and they want you to stay all year round, ina place you don't want to be, so they can go meet their friends. Nope. Tell them to grow up. They are welcome all the time but you are enjoying where you are living and want to enjoy this time.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:41

Thank you . I just read somewhere that young adults need the internalised idea of home whilst gaining confidence and spreading their wings . It preys on my mind hugley .
The dc who is upset is early 20s and has no idea where going in life beyond the degree.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 19:42

Your child needs to grow up. Their attitude is pathetic and selfish. You've done your bit raising them to adulthood, and now is the time to live the way/where you want to. I would be extremely upset by how self-absorbed they are being.

HeronLanyon · 07/02/2021 19:43

I understand their feelings. I think I’m their situation I may have felt similarly for a very short time before I grew up and on ! I’d say don’t move back at all - they’ll be fully fledged soon.
They’re going through difficult transition.
You seem young to have thkight you can’t move again though - maybe they’re also worried you seem to have become older all of a sudden ?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 19:43

Your children need to deal with it and grow up. Their wishes don't overrule yours, and they are being selfish. They don't get to dictate where you live.

AIMD · 07/02/2021 19:44

I feel for them as I am sure going hole from uni to see there mates was important and felt nice for them.

HOWEVER they are adults and although this isn’t what they wanted they do need to accept it and find a way to keep in touch with their friends from home in another way.

I imagine the lockdown has made it harder as presumably they would have liked to have that time nearer friend Frome home?! Maybe it’ll be easier than lockdown eases?

Heyahun · 07/02/2021 19:44

Ugh they can get over it ! They can or back to their old town after uni and rent their own house

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 19:44

And I say that as someone whose parents stopped living in the house I grew up in shortly after I left home.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:45

Thank you all. There are no jobs here really as v rural. The dc keeps mentioning mates who post degree have moved back with parents and may be worried that they wont have that option with us .. not because of us but as they..
Hate it here.
No jobs.
No.mates here.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 07/02/2021 19:47

Hold firm op in what 2 years he’ll have finished his degrees and moved on. (I know Covid is buggering up some of this).
He’s being selfish and childish. Understandably but he needs to grow up (and will) pdq.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 07/02/2021 19:48

Blimey how old are they? My mum left my amazing childhood home 7 years ago . Me , my sister and her left it crying our eyes out but she knew it was the right thing to do and so did I . It was a massive old house that she didn't need . It gave us the most amazing childhoods and for that I'm grateful .. they are being incredibly selfish vocalising their upset and should keep it to themselves.. it's your time now !

Porridgeoat · 07/02/2021 19:48

You could always hire a cottage for you all to stay in every so often and revisit the place. They will find your new area comes into its own once they have kids and visit you

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 19:48

The lack of jobs in your area isn't your problem. It is normal for young people in their 20s to move to a bigger town or city while they build their career, live in a house share etc. They are independent adults, and need to forge their own way.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 19:50

@Porridgeoat

You could always hire a cottage for you all to stay in every so often and revisit the place. They will find your new area comes into its own once they have kids and visit you
Don't do this. If they want to stay in the old area they are adults and can organise to stay with friends etc. COVID won't be an obstacle to this for ever.
Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:50

I think the guilt is that i kmow i have put our wishes before what feels like their emotional needs.. or at least wishes. Also that i wd like to be the person that wd never move as they want to.bw near their kids etc. Like one of my best mates whose kids have all been to uni or away for work but have now all gravitated home. She is happy to stay for her adult kids . I feel i want to be like that.. but honestly i wanted to live here for years.

OP posts:
Trumplosttheelection · 07/02/2021 19:51

I'm sure they are unsettled and you can be very supportive with that but you have a right to live where and how you like. That's fine if they don't like it, they can find somewhere that they do like.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 19:52

@Whatnow100

I think the guilt is that i kmow i have put our wishes before what feels like their emotional needs.. or at least wishes. Also that i wd like to be the person that wd never move as they want to.bw near their kids etc. Like one of my best mates whose kids have all been to uni or away for work but have now all gravitated home. She is happy to stay for her adult kids . I feel i want to be like that.. but honestly i wanted to live here for years.
Their emotional needs came first for their entire childhood. Now they are adults, you are entitled to live your own life.
Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:53

We did have a wondeful weekend in old town.. it cemented the view of how fab it is for them . Gulp .
However.. when they brought mates here pre covid .. they had a ball . Its the sense of loss of home i think they feel.

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RandomMess · 07/02/2021 19:53

Seriously many students never go home after their degree, you were supposed to wait how long exactly????