Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

[Whatnow100]

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

They just need to adjust and grow up. You sound like lovely parents but they are now all raised up and this is your time. Time for them.to take ownership of their lives and stop expecting you to fulfill their needs. The tide starts to turn, and roles to change and at some point children have to become adults and stop expecting to be actively parented.

Your DH is absolutely right when he says ..... My dh is less.affected than me.. he says would we really sit at home in the old place living our life waiting foe visits.. ?
My mother told me I would never be allowed to return home to stay once I had left to go nursing. Nearly 50 years later we’re clearing the ‘family home’ - any attachment I may have had evaporated all those years ago.
My DCs would never expect us to stay put just in case they fancy a visit, no more than I would expect them to stay put in their first home!
Sorry, I think they need to be less selfish and think more about you!

Craving home and the past is normal in this pandemic OP. How many of us have a thought of wouldn’t it be nice to go back to a time before this when we were happy and things were good.
Moving isn’t going to solve your DC issue and you need to stop framing it in those terms.

But you can try to help them, they have broken up with their partner and as a 3rd year student at university had half their time there taken over by COVID and are facing a very difficult job market. Of course part of them wants to go back to when they were 18 and at home around all of their friends.

That doesn’t mean they want you to move though as that is only part of it. They are having to grow up in fairly bleak circumstances (how many of us would want to be 20/21 at the moment) and they need help support and guidance from you not guilt

My parents turned my bedroom into their ensuite bathroom when I was at uni . I don't recall any resentment

@CottonSock

My parents turned my bedroom into their ensuite bathroom when I was at uni . I don't recall any resentment

Did they tell you

@ssd yes they did tell me and I was always welcome to stay (not in the toilet I'll add).

I never really moved back permanently after uni. Did a masters abroad, worked abroad, then lived at other end of country. I still love far away now. I think having a safety net of home might hinder independence for some people.

I was going to write that they should grow up and spread their wings but realised i have a different, practical problem.

My mother struggles as she left the south east to move up north while i live overseas. All my friends and other family still live in the south east, so when i go back on leave (will i ever again in these covid times) i base myself near the bulk of people i want to see and only see her for a couple of days. She is resentful of that, but it is practical for my children and me.

It was unforseen but still a real issue. And one i should look at addressing in some way.

I see it from both sides. My parents actually never moved from the house we grew up in as teens. From starting at uni, I had years where I went home for the long holidays / weekends and picked up my old social life back home. I didn't ever go back to live there permanently (none of us did), but did have 6 months there working locally before moving away for good, when I couldn't get a job in the area I'd trained for.

However I think you've done the right thing. Your DC will adjust. Their lives will soon move on, hopefully. At the moment a lot of adult children are living at home, but we are in strange times and it's hopefully only temporary.

After my dad died, when I was 20, my mum had to sell our family home and move into sheltered accommodation - while I was still living there!

It had no effect on our relationship and jusy meant I became independent at bit earlier than I'd thought I would.

I know mum guilt is a thing but you are no lesser a person just because you had children. Your life and wants are just as important now your children have fledged. As your DH says you can't subsume your life in case one wants to visit.

They are being entirely unreasonable and I think you need to change your thinking.

It sounds like your DC is just feeling insecure and unsettled. Yes they are being selfish but I remember how I was after uni. It was scary feeling unsettled and looking for a job. On top of this the DC has the stress of the pandemic and probably just wishes things were the way they were. None of this is your fault but it’s just to hopefully help give perspective. I’d personally try to gently reassure and encourage your DC to find their way.

None of you are being unreasonable.
You wanted to move to this place for a long time, and it was your right to do so.
It's also entirely understandable for your DC to feel as they do. You obviously have a comfortable relationship that enables them to be able to be open with you and say how they feel.

I'm sure lockdown has a lot to do with this. Everyone is feeling insecure and uncertain. In addition they don't have their home to come back to, and home is where you feel must secure. And without their friends to visit or to visit them, it's even harder.

I totally understand then, why they're feeling lost. But you couldn't have predicted covid and lockdown when you moved.

My parents still live in the house we moved to when I was four. 55 years later, I still 'go home' when I visit, despite having left for university at 18 and not having lived there since apart from holidays. I do dread them leaving it.

BUT... That's life. Things change. And part of being an adult is learning to accept change and also to accept that other people (including your parents) have their own lives separate from you.

By all meansdo what you can practically and even financially to help the DC find their own place and a job maybe back in their home town, but don't be guilt-tripped into moving back.

My feeling is that you could still be blamed even if you did that for the fact that it would not feel the same ie. different house and bedroom for DC, but also friends moving on with their own lives - moving away, getting jobs, starting new relationships and families.

@Whatnow100

Thank you . I just read somewhere that young adults need the internalised idea of home whilst gaining confidence and spreading their wings . It preys on my mind hugley . The dc who is upset is early 20s and has no idea where going in life beyond the degree.

My parents did this in my final year. I too found it hard. I couldn't drive at the time so if I visited them I was stuck there. I grew up in a village and it was the connection to all those places. I didn't have friends sofas to crash on and no means of even going there.

I don't think my parents had given it any thought. I didn't get to say goodbye to the place I grew up.

But years later my grandmother died and some months after mum and my auntie sold her house. Mum talked a lot about not being able to go home anymore. They moved hundreds of miles away when they were young and never lived where they grew up again. She was saying this to me and the penny dropped.

I think what you have done is fine but it's also understandble that your child will feel a sense of loss. When that link to our childhood goes it is hard. They wouldn't necessarily find it easier if they were 30 or even 40.

They are all adults now.

My parents divorced and sold the family home when I was 20 and both moved in with new partners. I got my own place.

I would never have expected them to keep the family home just for my sake!

They are being selfish when it's not their turn. It's your turn now. And stop worrying and feeling guilty. Enjoy your dream location.
They're adults and need to accept that they shouldn't expect to be the centre of your world anymore.

You’ve moved now, what is it they want from you, you clearly feel guilty. I wouldn’t.

My mum moved to Australia when I had my first son - he was literally 11 days old. My sister was 19 and had moved to uni living with her boyfriend. She sacrificed loads for us, stayed single after our parents split as our dad was v abusive and we had a hard time. We had no money etc. So when she met her new partner and began a new life we were happy for her. She lived all over the world then came home when I had my second baby 5 years later. So we had no ‘home’ my mum lives 500 miles away and we visit and it’s fine. We all have our own lives. Your child will be fine, it is really hard when you don’t feel you have roots but if he’s unsettled anyway it’s prob just playing on their mind. Don’t feel selfish it’s your time now, you’re still there for your children.

So they're upset that their safety net of free accommodation, bed and board in a location known to them with friends and possible jobs has been removed

I'm sorry but I wouldn't feel remotely responsible for ensuring this Plan B/C is in place. Consider it motivational for them

What age are your DC @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams ?

Im fascinated by the narrative on MN that as a parent you’re neglectful if you don’t co-sleep until 8 or even think about leaving your DC for a weekend with their father whilst you go away with friends; that boarding school for teens is child abuse and that a 16 year old can’t possibly mind a sibling for an hour but then at 18 a massive buzzer goes off and they are An Adult and no longer require any support, emotional, financial or otherwise.

@PegasusReturns

So they're upset that their safety net of free accommodation, bed and board in a location known to them with friends and possible jobs has been removed

I'm sorry but I wouldn't feel remotely responsible for ensuring this Plan B/C is in place. Consider it motivational for them

What age are your DC @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams ?

Im fascinated by the narrative on MN that as a parent you’re neglectful if you don’t co-sleep until 8 or even think about leaving your DC for a weekend with their father whilst you go away with friends; that boarding school for teens is child abuse and that a 16 year old can’t possibly mind a sibling for an hour but then at 18 a massive buzzer goes off and they are An Adult and no longer require any support, emotional, financial or otherwise.

I'm afraid I don't subscribe to any of the Mumsnet mantra on cosleeoing, boarding school or babysitting siblings. My children are still primary age but I am already encouraging them to consider the possibility of uni in another country, that we might not retire in the U.K. and they will need to become self supporting adults. Their expectations are admittedly unrealistic in the way we all thought we'd be vastly successful and have a successful career/an enormous house by the time we turned 30 simply by effort alone. Assuming I can afford to help en route I will obviously do so. It's not a case of cutting anyone adrift at 18. BUT I don't think the OP and her DH should feel the remotest guilt in moving on with their lives, their own dreams etc. It might be a bit of a wrench for their kids to sell up the family home and come to terms with the idea that the world doesn't revolve around their wants any more; but that's life. If that's brutal parenting then I'm comfortable with that personally.

Your children are very entitled aren't they.
Yes they might have loved the family home. And when you first mentioned moving they might not have been that thrilled. Initially.
But very quickly their concern should have moved onto your happiness. An occasional visit to a new house doesn't affect them directly, much, on a regular basis, does it?

Where's their joy for you?

How selfish. Please don't even consider moving back!

No they shouldnt feel guilty but at the same time neither should her DC be called entited and selfish when they are dealing with the pandemic and all that entails and they feel all at sea not knowing what to do.

I remember feeling like that (as I said my parents moved when I was in my second year of university). Its normal you have gone from having your life planned and mapped out by others to trying to figure out what you want to do. It was hard then in the early 2000s nowadays it must be really tough.

Mumsnet is currently full of threads with people struggling at the moment it is easy to see with a relationship breakdown/lack of homebase/University from home/stuck with flatmates/terrible job prospects after all of this that their DC is finding it tough and wanting to go back to a time when they felt safe and secure.

I dont think the DC has said she should move back - that is her thoughts on it. SHe should however be motivational and help them through it

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

My children are still primary age but I am already encouraging them to consider the possibility of uni in another country, that we might not retire in the U.K. and they will need to become self supporting adults

Thanks for responding. I think that’s absolutely right and it’s not my intention to be critical but I am interested in what seems to be a widely held approach of uber protection up to about 13 and then a very quick transition to a total independence at 18.

My eldest is a perfectly normal 17 year old. She’s flown on her own, participated in a residential language exchange overseas and has a PT job. I’ve taken her around the world on work trips where she has hung out in hotels whilst I’ve worked - she’s been permitted a good deal of freedom but the idea that next year I would tell her she’s effectively on her own is unfathomable.

She’s so young and in no way equipped to make her way alone in the world. I don’t think my view is unusual as compared to parents of other teens so I wondered if the views expressed here correlate with peoples own lived experiences or how they imagine they’ll be.

But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home. I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad

Brutally, in their 20s they need to start accepting life as adults. Its natural enough to feel a bit of sadness when the something in life changes but this is part of growing into adults. You can support them emotionally and if you have it with cash for rental deposits etc but for how long do you put your own lives on hold for adult children?

DH and I both experienced this but the alternative would have been for our parents to stay and miss opportunities so that we could avoid change and that isn't healthy either and neither would I have wanted them to miss out.

But equally brutually the OP has to accept that her decision does have an affect on her DC. She was absolutely right to do so and put herself first but she has to take that there will be consequences of that she cannot dictate how her DC feels about it. Their feelings are valid to them - and I dont think does want her to change or move is just feeling unhappiness and stop reading things that validate her guilt

My family lived in an area with very few jobs.
As a student I really envied families who were able to provide accommodation for intern opportunities etc.
I was lucky that my bf came from London and his family actually housed me as I started my life after graduation.

I am factoring in supporting dc until their mid 20's because through observation successful middle class families seem to do this automatically.
( My df thought past 18 you were totally meant to stand on your own feet)