Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

[Whatnow100]

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

Your child needs to grow up. Their attitude is pathetic and selfish. You've done your bit raising them to adulthood, and now is the time to live the way/where you want to. I would be extremely upset by how self-absorbed they are being.

This ⬆️

I think it's a good thing. My DH and I often reflect that both our parents moved house when we were at Uni. There was never anything to go back to (other than to visit our parents) and so we set off on an independent path and found our feet. Your DC are nostalgic for a world that doesn't exist anymore (their childhood), but they need to make the adjustment to adult life and establish their own identity and path. You've done a good thing for them in the long run.

My parents moved away from my childhood home when I was 21 and my sister 19, it didn't occur to us to feel aggrieved about it.
I think in those days we were much more independent though, your children are being selfish for making you feel guilty about it and they will get over it.

I was this child. My parents moved 200 miles away a few weeks before I went to uni. The first few visits to the new place during first year of uni were awful, no familiar bedroom, didn't know anyone etc. I stayed at uni more and didn't come home as much. But I did follow my family back in the end but a few years later on my own terms with my own house. I do still miss all those people I left behind but thats down to me to keep in touch with them. Your DC will settle eventually and find their own life. It is a massive upheaval for them so a sympathic ear and understanding will go a long way - I never got that. But you had to do what was right for you, dont regret it

I think you need to be able to see that it is fine for both to be true.

You made the right decision for you at a time when your DC was grown up. That is fine.

Your DC though has a right to feel those things and be unsettled (and COVID must make it an incredibly unsettling time). They are simply telling you how they feel not to make you feel guilty but because it is true. And that is ok as well

Support them with saying it ok especially now to feel unsettled and that wherever you live they still have a home.

My parents did it - they were right to do so but I do still miss my home particularly now (they moved from seaside to greater london) as I havent been back since Dec 2019 (my best friend still lives there) and cant wait to. It is and always will be my home (even though I now live in the same place as my parents) and it is ok for me to feel that way. I still miss it whilst knowing them moving was the right thing to do

Brilliant post Quartz

My husband and I retired to our dream place a year ago, after years of planning. We are currently 742 miles from our daughter and 1392 miles from our son (in the US.) They come to visit us, we go to visit them, and they go back to our former hometown occasionally and stay with friends.

I think it's selfish and immature for adult children to guilt their parents over where they choose to live. They are adults, they need to act like it. You're not obligated to chain yourselves to a place you know longer wish to live because they're finding change difficult. Developing the capacity for emotional and mental flexibility is important, and your move is helping them do that. They will adjust, just give them time.

My parents moved away when I was at uni - it did feel odd coming home to somewhere else. But I simply had to take steps to keep in touch with my old friends (and this was before texting and whatsapp etc.!). It seems to me that if your AC are intelligent enough to go to uni, then they should have the wit to organise contact with their old friends.

Never for one moment did I consider that my parents had been inconsiderate.

I really think you should ditch this guilt. How long do you expect to be their main emotional prop? - does this include ordering your life round them? You have brought them up - you have done your bit and now you can spread your wings a bit - it does not mean that you do not love them or you will not always be there for them during your lifetime. But they will be off moving hither and thither before you can blink - and they may even settle on the other side of the world. That is their choice, just as this is yours.

Do not spoil the happiness of your move by feeling guilty - it is not appropriate.

Ultimately your DC will come to realise that what is important about home is the people in it, not the building. It may not be in any way a bad thing that they don't necessarily go for the easy option of returning to Mum and Dad's and finding a job round there, but instead make decisions about their future that aren't limited by geography. If the student doesn't yet know what they're doing next, they need to focus hard on that; when they've made a decision they'll probably feel a whole lot better anyway.

Your DC really need to grow up and get on with their own lives. They sound terribly spoilt and self centred.

Op it's nearly always best in life to move forward and not look back

Agree with pp that Covid-19 has made everything very uncertain for your dc and that has exacerbated their unease at your move. Hopefully, when things have got back to normal, within a few years, they will have moved on.

I think the guilt is that i know i have put our wishes before what feels like their emotional needs.. or at least wishes

But you haven't! You've been wanting to move for many years and waited to do so until your youngest was at university. When would you do it if not now? My parents moved while I was at uni and I quite enjoyed visiting them in their new location. I wouldn't be too apologetic if I were you, I would just calmly welcome them for holidays and be confident in your own decision.

I don't think you should move back though maybe I would have waited until the youngest had finished uni. Must have been unsettling going to uni and not having his old house to go back to. But what's done is done, and they'll survive.

I can understand both points of view. Perhaps your DC might not want you to move back if you asked him (though I don't advise asking him unless you were prepared to). Maybe he moans about it, but for your sales wouldn't want you to.

It's hard for that generation to get work, find somewhere decent to live etc. Perhaps you can explore ways to help him find somewhere of his own after University.

I think some of the posts here are very harsh to the DC. TBH I’d have been absolutely devastated if my parents had done this. At 30, I still refer to my parents house and hometown as “home”. As do a lot of my old school friends. I love going “home” and being in my childhood house gives me a huge sense of warmth and security.

And I know a few older women ( 45+) who have been extremely upset when elderly parents have sold the childhood home. One said her dream was to inherit the house she’d lived in as a child and for generations of the family to live in it, and another attempted to buy the property off her parents but didn’t have enough money. Both acted like they were grieving when their parents sold up. (Both properties were very special character properties though and would probably be dream homes for many!).

I don’t think you were in the wrong, and do have to make the decisions that are right for you, but your children are not being selfish or spoilt.
It’s a big change to get their head around, especially during the current pandemic and when they are not yet settled and in the early stage of adulthood where they may be having to move around a lot and not sure where the future will take them. They’re probably quite worried about the future and have now lost the certainty and security of “home”.

I think you did the best thing for your whole family by moving.
You and your DH are happy in your new area.
Having to make an effort to maintain childhood friendships will crystallise those worth keeping for your DC.
And if they were thinking of going home and getting a local job after graduation, re-creating their teen years it wouldn't have worked even if you stayed put.
A lot of their friends would have moved away, they would be adults with jobs and hopefully career and savings goals etc.
My parents still live in the house I grew up in, and all of my childhood friends live elsewhere.
I will still meet people I know there but if I want to meet up with my friends we have to organise it.
It's probably just a normal sense of childhood loss when your becoming an adult with no real sense of direction and they have fixated on your move as something tangible to blame for their insecurity.

Honestly I’m not surprised your DC was hurt.

You moved when they were in their 1st Year? That’s so tough. IME students still tend to return home in their first year so that must have been hugely unsettling.

Nothing to be done about it now but acknowledging that it must have been hard for them might help?

@PegasusReturns

Honestly I’m not surprised your DC was hurt.

You moved when they were in their 1st Year? That’s so tough. IME students still tend to return home in their first year so that must have been hugely unsettling.

Nothing to be done about it now but acknowledging that it must have been hard for them might help?

Not really.

I went to boarding school. My parents moved just over a year after I started there, and again when I was in the sixth form. I was a hell of a lot more vulnerable at 12 than when I was in my first year at university, but I was fine. It was my family I wanted to see, not a building.

Your children are acting like brats. You gave them a stable home with solid roots. Now you have given them wings to become independent. I understand they will sometimes wish they could go back to their childhood home but in reality they make new friends at uni and often settle where they studied. My dd went to uni in Wales and I knew in my heart of hearts she would love it there and want to stay after graduation. She loves hiking and kayaking and the outdoors and she got that in Wales. Eventually after she married and became pregnant they moved to Bristol for her dh's job. Before pandemic they came to visit us twice a year and we went to visit them about 3 or 4 times a year as we live about 96 miles away. I moved about 45 mins away from her childhood home when she was in second year of uni. When she came to see me she often drove back to.see her friends and stayed overnight with.one or other. I suppose with Covid your DC can't do that but hopefully Covid will be under control in time. You and your DH can follow your own dreams together now.

You put your wishes on hold for years until the DC had grown up.
What more are you supposed to do?
It's not like you've flown to the moon. You moved house. That's a really normal thing to do.
Please try to stop feeling guilty.
Those DC will soon enough be busy with careers and families of their own.
You and your husband should be free to put each other first and enjoy this next stage in your lives.

My parents did this when I was in my second year. I don't think I sulked about it but it wasn't nice. Just little things like me sleeping in the 'guest room' when I came home as they'd boxed my stuff into the loft so I didn't have a room of my own in the new house. But I totally understood that they had to make the decision that was right for them and they adore where they live now.
I eventually found an area where I wanted to live (160 miles away) and now I have family and friends here and can't see myself ever moving away, as I am so happy.
Your children sound very well-loved and cared for you and you are clearly a kind mother - once they put roots down for themselves somewhere they will be absolutely fine. It's just a difficult time at the moment especially for young adults but you didn't cause covid so don't blame yourself for their temporary unhappiness.

We moved area when my dd2 was still at Uni. She’s never come and lived with us after Uni, always planned to live with her boyfriend who’s now her husband.
Your children are being selfish. Parents shouldn’t live their whole lives for the sake of their children once those children are adults. Yes it will feel odd for them for a while, but they’ve got their whole adult lives ahead of them. It’s your turn to make decisions based on what You want.
Most early 20 yr olds are already setting off on their own lives. Both my dds had their own houses by 25, as do the majority of my friends kids.

Thank you all. I think its the recognition of their feelings that has upset me so much as must admit I knew that they were there. I think its putting myself before them ,coupled with knowing that its a decision that affects their life which has preyed on my mind since the move . But one try to shove aside .. as there is little point not enjoying it here. Its a lifestyle and enviroment of dreams to us. The dc who is upset was initally fine about it . In fact it is less than an hour from their uni.However ,this dc at time was happy in a relationship and happy ay uni. How they are single. On a course dont like. And covid. They are in a nice houswhold in a great town tho.however.. yes they now crave 'home' . I feel bad for takimg that away. However.. as i kmow that they dont like here as no mates.. i encorage and welcome them to come with any number of friends whenever they like. My dh is less.affected than me.. he says would we really sit at home in the old place living our life waiting foe visits.. ? Me .. i just know how important home can feel .. thanks all . I do appriciate and i needed to let this out .

@Arobase

It was my family I wanted to see, not a building

Because you were 12. You didn’t have a wider connection to the community as you might when you are 18: no boyf/girlf; no real independence or life beyond your immediate family; no friends who feel like the be all and end all of everything.

At 12 your life is very much connected to your parents. At 18 it’s very different. I’m surprised you don’t recognise that.

.

@Whatnow100

Thank you all. There are no jobs here really as v rural. The dc keeps mentioning mates who post degree have moved back with parents and may be worried that they wont have that option with us .. not because of us but as they.. Hate it here. No jobs. No.mates here.

So they're upset that their safety net of free accommodation, bed and board in a location known to them with friends and possible jobs has been removed.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't feel remotely responsible for ensuring this Plan B/C is in place. Consider it motivational for them