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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

135 replies

Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:34

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 19:54

Thank you all . I so appriciate your replies.

OP posts:
MatildaMainly · 07/02/2021 19:55

has no idea where going in life beyond the degree
This is probably the actual problem.

The 'all my friends have' whatever is as old as time. You'll know it's not necessarily true, mostly likely not.

DH has entered his 60s, how long do you think your children anticipate he keeps putting their needs first and foremost and, if an opportunity came up for them to relocate hours away, would they turn it down to be near you? Would you expect them to?

I know our grown up DCs will be sad when we sell the family home, but they've moved on with their lives and they wouldn't expect it to be any different for us.

Boardeduplife · 07/02/2021 19:57

I’m sorry but your adult children need to get a grip. You are allowed to live your life and follow your dreams, just as your children should follow theirs.

partyatthepalace · 07/02/2021 19:59

Good lord! Do not move back, you are at a time of life when you need to claim your life back (before you get properly old and crumblyGrin)

It’s a tough time fir young adults right now, so I’d give them a leeetle leeway for that - but I’d say that while you understand things are rough right now in 5/10/15 years time they’ll be travelling, careering and baby making and so while you will always be here for them, you wanted to make your dream move while you are young enough to establish a new life. Early 20s can be as selfish as teens, but normally have a bit more self awareness when called on it.

Worriedhomemover · 07/02/2021 19:59

Wow they need to get over it! I think you sound like a great Mum. I say this as someone who’s parents really didn’t care at all, I literally left at 18 and never felt like I had a proper home after (even though they still lived in my home town!). I think they don’t understand how good they probably have it. They are grown ups and yeah I can understand the disappointment but I think they sound a bit spoiled/ entitled and should be happy for you.

Londonnight · 07/02/2021 19:59

Tell them to grow up! I am sure once they are in relationships your feeling won't be taken into account if they want to live somewhere else.

My parents moved at least twice when I was an adult, their choice, and I respected that. My home is wherever they want to be.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:00

The dc that said this did say that they dont want me to feel guilty . .. but that it is something they know has unsettled them . I think this is huge maternal guilt kicking in to be honest .

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 07/02/2021 20:03

Bluntly, they sound incredibly immature and you need to stop even thinking about pandering to them. They are adults now. Time they started thinking like adults and you need to stop treating them like children.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:03

Party..
Yes ... that is exactly why we moved when we did so that we can have time to make new links and hike etc.
If we do get infirm ironically thats when we would move back for transport links and a hospital nearby !

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SoddingWeddings · 07/02/2021 20:05

My parents moved from Cornwall to Scotland when I was 24 and my brother 21. We were both living in the university cities we'd studied in and had never discussed moving home to Cornwall after that.

I was a bit shocked tbh, but it wasn't my call to make and they needed to make the right decisions for themselves, not us. They've been up there for over 15yrs now and neither of us "kids" have ever considered moving up with them - I'm back in Cornwall, my brother stayed in his university city. Suits us all!

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:05

Worried. Thank you so much for saying I sound like a great mum . That means a lot to me .

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Rapunzel91 · 07/02/2021 20:06

Your DC are being very entitled and bratty to be perfectly honest. I'm late twenties and have one sibling who's at university. None of us expected our parents to stay in the home we grew up in just so everything would be what we were used to when we went home to visit, that's absurd!
It's your turn to do what you've put off with for so long. It wont be long until your DC settles somewhere. You really need to have a chat with them to tell them that you're your own individuals with dreams and plans, not just your childrens parents.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:07

I must admit when my father planed to leave our family home when i was at uni myself... it didnt botherme a bit
. He didnt actually manage it however .

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GaryTheDemon · 07/02/2021 20:08

It’s your life, OP, not theirs. Right now covid is probably really unsettling at least the youngest but a few years from now the whole ‘going home all the time snd seeing mates’ won’t be much of a thing anymore. They and their mates will get scattered around as they get jobs, they’ll get new friends and also they’ll only have 25 days leave a year so won’t be spending weeks on end with you anyway.

Sounds really important that you and DH establish a life for you now they are flying the nest.

Good luck!

C152 · 07/02/2021 20:09

This sounds hard, but try not to feel guilty - there really is no need for it. You waited until your children were adults before moving (you may wish to gently remind them of this). You can't humour them forever.

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:10

It has occured to.me that the dc who is not happy is not happy in their life at present . Covid. Degree not great. I wonder if that is impacting on this. Wanting things as they were.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 07/02/2021 20:11

You can't stay in a place just because your adult dc prefer it when they choose to come and visit you. Because that's what they are doing. They no longer live there. If they want to live there, when they return from uni, let them rent somewhere themselves. Honestly, I understand you feel guilty, but it's their problem, not yours and you shouldn't feel guilty.

I think your dc are being incredibly selfish and not. I've at all that they are guilt tripping you

Original poster
Whatnow100 · 07/02/2021 20:13

C152 .
Yes that is right. We stayed as it was a fab place for young dc and teens . They had a great childhood . We cdnt move due to schools and friends .

OP posts:
Coffeeandaride · 07/02/2021 20:13

I am sure they do feel a bit unsettled (and would like to have familiar place to return to so they can see their friends!) but your move is totally reasonable. These next years they will presumably want to live elsewhere/ follow jobs or love and find their own “home” - which can be back in hometown if they wish! I’d just concentrate on you feeling settled in the new place.

Raindough · 07/02/2021 20:15

As someone in their early 20s, so possibly the same age as yours, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

However the pandemic has obviously impacted your child’s life, so the move has inadvertently made lockdown much harder for them. They don’t have the freedom to leave the area that you live in now much, and it’s much more difficult for them to visit their mates for support.

Living in an area you dislike is very difficult during lockdown, it is mentally draining. But your child is an adult - hopefully they’ll soon be able to move out to somewhere that makes them happy again.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 07/02/2021 20:18

Oh I feel for you so much, that regret is so difficult. On paper it all sounded, and is, more than fair but then you get this guilt put on you. So hard not to keep thinking you should have stayed put.. As hard as it you'll have to reassure yourself you gave them their home and those years beyond when you wanted to be there, the latter is not insignificant, and it is OK for you to make decisions for your life, as they will for theirs. Hold tight op, continue to be as kind as you so obviously are but don't buckle or even go there verbally with the regret, as others say in a few years they may move somewhere else entirely. This happened a school friend and no one thought anything bad of her mother. She now lives in hometown, as is her choice. Thinking of you, I have an idea what it feels like from a move we made ourselves at a different stage Flowers

Sittingonabench · 07/02/2021 20:19

Please don’t feel guilty it sounds like you have done the very best by your dc and there needs to be a balance. Yes they may feel a little unsettled due to change but change is what brings opportunity, strength and inspires children to grow up at this stage of life. They still have their security and home as that is where you are. If they wanted to move back to previous location then they could find a flat share which would again encourage them to grow. I truly think you have done the best for them. And separately, you and DH are entitled to pursue what makes you happy. You have made the sacrifices to maintain stability for emotional development etc throughout their lives and that is now their responsibility so you are free to pursue your own exciting plans and you are still there for them.
Not only have you not done anything wrong but I think you have done the right thing and deserve to be happy.

steppemum · 07/02/2021 20:19

They are adults.

really, they need to get on with life and deal with it.

yes, it is unsettling if your parents move. But there is still a safe space and a bed for them when they come home, there is still emotional support, nice meals and a hug.

if they want to see their school friends, well, go and stay in your old town with one of them and meet up.
If they wnat a job, go and find a houseshare in a place where there is a job.

It really is totally normal for adults to move away from home for work etc, and then come back and visit.

please do not uproot and move for them now. Instead, I woudl say what I said above - always a safe space for you here if you need it, but if you wnat social life and jobs, you need ot go and find them yourself.

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 20:20

Gosh I think people are being very harsh on your DC, I lived my whole life in the same house and I would have found it really hard if my parents moved while I was at uni. I think if people have moved around as a child the impact would probably be a lot less. That's not to say that you've done anything wrong, just that I can understand why they feel like it's not home, don't feel settled there and miss the place where they grew up.

Home represents a lot of safety and security and your new place is not going to feel the same, this might be just the push they need though to help them become more independent and think about their futures and where they want to live and work. Just keep being yourselves, keep supporting and encouraging them and they will be ok. x

steppemum · 07/02/2021 20:21

also, my parents live in a town which I would not wnat to live in. They moved their when I was at uni.

I went off and worked in London, and over seas. met dh and marries went overseas again etc etc.

Where do I live now? 15 minutes drive away form my parents in another town which is more urban. Pre Covid, they saw their grandchildren all the time.