Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

[Whatnow100]

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

Snow ..do you mean financial support? As well as emotional. My dh is over 60 . He does not feel that he can support at a signigicant level finacially . He has had to leave a mid level managerial job due to stress. At the same time left my career in one of the most strussful jobs there is . Cant say which . Wd be outing . We shd have had dc younger if it is now advisable to be still supoorting tillmid 20.s..

But equally brutually the OP has to accept that her decision does have an affect on her DC

That was partly my point - its part of life and we best help people by supporting them through change rather than endlessly deferring it or living through others.

There was a lady on MN the other week who wanted to move to her dream home. Her oldest kid was in the first year of GCSEs. The general opinion was that it was probably too disruptive to move in an exam year. But your kids are adults. If they need to live with you, it’s because they’ve not earned money to be independent; if they don’t want to live with you, they have the option to get work and live where they do want to. They may not like the choice you made to move - but it wasn’t at all unreasonable for you to make it. Why shouldn’t you live where you want to? Why do your wants and needs come second to those of another adult? You’re not kicking your child out, you’re not withdrawing a place to live - you’re just choosing where you want to be now you’re free of the constraints of schooling. Nothing unreasonable about it.

Thank you all . There are some really thoughfull and insightful posts here and i will take the time to re read and absorb .

Hi OP, I guess I mean part financial support. I would expect them to work as well!
But help with study costs, or accommodation while interning etc.
I very much didn't come from a family that did that and I thought it was a huge help for my peers who did.
Also my now inlaws did help DH and I for six months with some family accommodation as we started work.

I don't think it is the only way for dc to be successful, of course it isn't. I just noticed that there was a different way of doing things to my DP's.

I don't think that you should feel guilty moving though OP. You need to live your own life and it needs to work for you.

Oh i see. We would be happy to let them live here for a year or something whilst they saved . But so few jobs here and dc say its isolating foe them to live here. We have limited income but could possibly support up to.a max of £ a month if they needed it. Be happy to. I think the main issue is they feel family home has gone and old home town to return to and they feel quite lost here if they stay for long as its so different to our old home. But yes maybe i need to reiterate that the above support is avaliable. X

Honestly you sound like a lovely Mum OP.
I'm sure your dc will be fine.

You sound like a kind and considerate mum! I can see both sides. My DF died in my early 20s just as I started my masters. My mum sold our family home and moved and I was heartbroken. But that was in the context of the grief and loss I was experiencing and the fact I had zero emotional support from my mum. We still have a somewhat turbulent relationship as I am expected to provide large amounts of emotional and practical support for her while getting none in return.
All you are expecting is to live your life and encourage your DCs to live theirs which seems perfectly reasonable to me!
Although since my DD is only 8 I have no experience there!!

Op, loads of people have to move for loads of reasons. It would be weird if no one missed an old house but that's part of life. Please try to stop feeling bad; this decision was clearly worth it for you and your husband, and you're still supporting your children.

It sounds like your DC is going through something and if it wasn't this, it would be something else TBH.

It depends...my parents sold the family home when I was 18 as they got divorced. It was gut wrenching but what I found hardest was that they were utterly obsessed with their new lives! Either renovating, building up new jobs, social lives etc. I mean great but I was a bit adrift and all I wanted was to feel listened to- this is often all that is needed. Also offering (if they have a room) them to do up their room in a way they like might help. And pointing out all the positives.