Moved house. Adult dc upset . Help please

[Whatnow100]

Hi .. we have two dc .. one post grad living in uni city , the other in year 3 of degree.
We wanted to move to a lovely new area for many years but decided not to due to.dc schools and friends and it was a lovely place to bring dc of all ages up.
When dc two we explored the idea od moving to the area we had long hoped to live .We did struggle as we knew the dc would prefer to come home to the home town.. one friend did say however, that security is with the parent not a place , and dh being over 60 felt if.not now .. then when . ?
Since the move 2 years ago .. one dc has said they hate it here when they come to stay. Its very much a gentle older demographic. This dc says that they feel that they have lost their 'home' .. the place where parents are and mates when home from uni or still live there. This dc is really insettled.
As a human I wanted to be here for me so.much . I feel bad that i followed my dream and that my dream was not simply to give my dc continuity . I feel selfish especially that in my heart i knew that young adult dc need this . But we leapt at the chance and now i feel so bad as that dc now feels they have lost their feeling of home.
I feel like moving back . We are happy here. It feels wrong hearing that our happiness and dream has made dc unhappy . I dont feel happy now ive made dc sad.

treat them like adults, not children. model good calm reasoned behaviour. part of that is asserting your right to live your own life. you can be sympathetic to how they feel, like a listening ear, but do not disrupt your life just to pander to their whims.
do you think they would stay back there with you, if they had a partner elsewhere or a job opportunity. no of course not.
have you perhaps spoiled them a bit in the past, such that they just assume you exist to serve them, and that you have no life of your own.
stay where you are.
you and your husband put them first all their childhood.
you have launched them.
now they have to fly.

As your kids' lives progress through their 20s, their school and uni friends will settle all over the place.

Once they have their own kids, having grandparents in a great location for visits will be much appreciated.

It's all still very new and you all will feel more settled as time passes.

My parents have moved three times, to three very different areas of the country, in the 18 years since I graduated (the first a few months after graduation). Their life, their home. Although it’s only on the most recent move that they’ve not kept a room for my 36 year old sister (who lives abroad).

Live your lives and enjoy it.

It’s time to put yourself first! They’re adults now, if they want to live in their home town then they can move there themselves.

They’re lucky they have somewhere to stay with you! I went to uni at 18 and freshers hadn’t even finished before my parents had redecorated my bedroom, I had the sleep on the couch when I went home that Christmas 😂 My experience wasn’t unsimilar to many of my housemates either. Your DC will get over it and realise that your life doesn’t revolve around what they want anymore.

Also I’m 23 now and have just finished my MA. I must say that out of all the people I have met only the small minority have moved home with their parents after their degree, many have just stayed in the city we studied in and the rest relocated somewhere new. It’s not your fault, were you supposed to wait for him to graduate and see what he was doing until you moved? You can put your life on hold for ever!

My parents did this when I was in 2nd year of uni and quite honestly it was shit. During holidays I’d come ‘home’ and have absolutely no friends. They were all 200 miles away and it was really difficult to stay in touch with them (2002 so social media not like today). Plus my boyfriend (now husband) from uni was now 300 miles away not the 100 that it was before. I’d find jobs and work but I was lonely. After uni I went travelling with my boyfriend then worked for a while. After that I moved 300 miles away to be with my boyfriend and I haven’t looked back. My mum still lives in the area she moved to, but once I was able to I didn’t stay. She did what was right for her and I don’t blame for it. She loves where she lives and it was the right decision for her, but it was shot for me at the time, but it didn’t last forever and I moved on and made my own life just like your dc will.

My mother stayed in the city I grew up in and it was nice to see old school friends when I was visiting. But I never moved back and neither did any of my friends after University. It would be one night in the pub sometime around Christmas, until we were about 25 probably. That was all! I saw more of them in London (where we all migrated to after Uni) than in my home town.

If your dc wants to see old friends then they are big enough/old enough to travel to that city and find somewhere to stay.

It's a non-issue, honestly.

Tal . Yes that is what i feel .. in that dc miss their childhood home and i haveto somehow resolve in my own mind that this place of security has been taken away by us following our dream .. and my discomfort at putting our dream first. Alongside that they kmow that home is where they arw loved but at the same time the cosy of their old hometown and mates is also a loss to them . Its the pull of our own wishes for us over the wish to keep that world for them at a difficult time ( covid. Degree) that evokes a feeling of bad mother in me .

You are not a bad mother!

I can see why they feel like that, I always loved it coming home at Christmas and Easter through my 20s and all my friends were back too and it was just like old times. However it is totally unreasonable to expect parents to stay put just for that reason. I think you've done totally the right thing, they are adults now, this is your time to do what you want to after years of doing the right thing for them. They need to accept it and work round it.

I think it might not be the kindest or most thoughtful thing to have done before they have homes of their own. I think youngsters moving into the adult world do still need the security of their home.

That said, what’s done is done. I don’t think there is any going back. Now I think it’s acknowledging their feelings, providing reassurance that you are still their security and they have a home with you. Plan nice things in new home for when life opens up again. Even the most gentile of towns has some young people and more youthful activities.

As postgrad and 3rd year, many of their old friendships would wilt as people move on. Encourage them to build on current friendships, which are more likely to be enduring.

Well, I'd say it's probably testament to a happy childhood and to your parenting and relationship with them that they feel this way. It's lovely that you're thinking about their needs so much, but you've absolutely 100% done the right thing and at the right time IMO. My parents moved from Scotland to N.E. England at about the same time (when I was that age). They loved their new home and haven't looked back. In the nicest possible way, young adults aren't far off teens and can be pretty self-centred. In a few years they'll likely get jobs/fall in love and be off somewhere else anyway at the drop of a hat. A lot of the mates from their home town will do likewise and it won't feel the same back there in a few years anyway.

From the perspective of a now grown women who's parents did this in my first year of university. I grow up in a lovely town in the Home Counties. Had a wonderful childhood and remained close friends with most of my childhood friends, still am.

It was strange initially, especially when all my childhood friends went home for the summer etc. Felt a bit homeless without a base if that makes sense. Their new home wasn't my home, I always felt like a visitor so rarely went to visit (they would visit me or we'd meet elsewhere). Didn't begrudge my parents at all and certainly never made them feel bad or guilty, I did harbour feelings of sadness for home but got on with it, travelled and moved around.

I settled in London for 15 years and one by one my married with kids childhood friends started returning to home town to raise their families (close to London for commuting).

After I had my first child, I too returned and set up home back in my childhood town, difference is, I have no family here and all my friends have their parent/parents nearby to enjoy their grandchildren at their leisure. Feel sad that my parents miss out.

Anyway, my parents remain happy living where they based themselves and I'm a happy here.

Think you need to be happy with your decision

You have got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, OP. You have done the right thing. It's your turn now.

Quite honestly, the idea that parents should continue to live somewhere they don't want to live, just to keep adult children happy is completely bonkers.

Enjoy your new home!

Sorry this might seem harsh but they need to grow up.I assume you pay the bills? Don’t let them make you feel guilty. See it a life lesson, life does not revolve around what we always want. You are entitled to live where you want. One day they will be finding their own homes.

We moved 18 months ago to a house in the same village as the (adult) children had grown up in to downsize and have a better plot and although I know it's the right decision, and the kids do too, I still torture myself with guilt - wouldn't it have been better to wait till they had totally flown, wouldn't it have been so nice for future grandchildren to sleep in their Parents childhood bedrooms, wouldn't it be better to have kept the same lovely neighbours. I suppose what I am trying to say is that even if you had stayed more local, it wouldn't have been perfect for them. It's just so hard to put ourselves first after years of being down at the bottom of the list isn't it!!! Best of luck in the future for you all.

Cherry above has said ( amongst other things ) that it wasnt perhaps the most kindest thing of us to do .
Thats what bothers me . I want to be kind to.my family.
In addition she said perhaps not a good idea before they have homes of their own . This was the bit that made us feel anxious but also we did think when that wd be .. both pre covid wanted to travel etc..as y dh is now over 60 we didnot feel we shd perhaps put it on hold much longer. Perhaps we should have had dc earlier
..! My dear df died at 73 and i was mindfull of time.

Wow.
Seriously don't worry, you sound lovely .
My mum divorced my Dad and forced the sale of my beautiful childhood home(and of my five siblings) that my dad had slaved away to renovate. They got 85000. She met my stepdad and put 30000 into his house and he won't put her name on the house. My stepdad tried putting his hand up my top when I was 13, my mum decided to move back in with him after a bit, then mum kicked me out when I was 15, because I had school refusal due to undiagnosed autism . I have lived in more homes, squats and sofas than I can remember and been street homeless many times. I have experienced domestic abuse from partners and sexual assault from landlords. I have seen every childhood spot I loved covered in houses without being able to have one myself. If I still love my mum after the example she set and priorities she held I think your kids will be OK!

That house last sold 2018, for 250000...

It’s complicated OP and it seems you get that but it’s done and the guilt will subside. Eventually your DC will have moved on in their own life and you as a parent can’t keep yours on hold for your grown children.

However I can relate to your DC. My parents split while I was at uni and sold the family home/moved away from the area. I still have a nostalgic grief for the place I lived as a teen and my friends etc. It sounds like your kids have a home with you still and that will help I’m sure. I didn’t have that with my parents and, while I doubt I would’ve returned to home anyway, leaving uni without that safety net was difficult.

As I said above you can’t put your own life on hold but have some patience with your dc. As you say it’s tough times in general.

@Time40

You have got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, OP. You have done the right thing. It's your turn now.

Quite honestly, the idea that parents should continue to live somewhere they don't want to live, just to keep adult children happy is completely bonkers.

Enjoy your new home!

This sums up what I was thinking.

@Whatnow100 you are a kind mum. Sorry anything else is just rubbish. I tell you what is unkind and that is not preparing you adult children for real life. Real life means you don’t always get what you want. You have raised your kids well and sorry they will have disappointments in their lives. You can’t fix everything. You are most definitely entitled to live your own life. I sulked for ages when we moved house ( I was a teenager) my mum just ignored me. Believe me I got over it quick! X

they feel that they have lost their 'home'

Goodness, that's a bit selfish. It's always tricky to navigate the change from being dependents to being independent adults. However, complaining in these circumstances is really not OK.

I hope they come to realise that sooner rather than later.

early 20s and has no idea where going in life beyond the degree.

Other than living at home and having his parents live in an area for his convenience. Does he not have any friends he can visit in his former home ?

How many friends are still there ? It's a time when people do tend to move around, it's life. And one way to work out the people you really want to stay in touch with.

Your child needs to deal with it. As parents, we allow our kids far too much influence on our lives. We're stuck in a shit hole town as child is in a high school (which is also shit). Her primary was excellent which is why we didn't move sooner. I've wanted to move for nearly 20 years and am sick of putting my life on hold.
All my family have long fled this town. Once she's left compulsory education, we're going.

Oh don’t go thinking I or anyone else thinks you’re unkind. You are fretting about something you’ve done that has upset them. That may not have been the kindest but it’s far from unkind or uncaring. They’ll get over it. I’d not add guilt into their feelings.
Accept they’re disappointed but will get past it. Move on.