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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Who pays for Wedding conversation

194 replies

swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 16:02

Has anyone’s children recently got married? As I’d like to know how you go about broaching the subject of who’s paying for what and how much.
We’re more than happy to contribute but don’t want to embarrass our DS partners family. How do we say we’ll give this amount as it’s our budget & not willing to give more if they overspend?
Also I know I’ll have to hand over the money and bite my tongue if it gets spent on stuff I think is unnecessary. I’m all for it being a very special day for the couple but would like some sort of sensible checks to be made at this stage in their lives as they have no home as yet or F/T work.
We also need to bare in mind our other DS. If he chooses in the future to have a wedding/civil ceremony or not, we would want to support him with same amount of money for whatever.
Thanks for your thoughts...

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 08/01/2020 16:03

Can they not fund their own wedding? Maybe they should have jobs/income of their own first.

Ivyr0se · 08/01/2020 16:04

The expectation that parents pay for a wedding is long gone. Unless they start the conversation I wouldn't bring it up.

Just give them a gift of however much you can afford after their wedding so they can have a nest egg to start their married life.

Cuddling57 · 08/01/2020 16:08

Don't rush in to offer them money!
Once they have chosen their own things maybe say - we'll put £x behind the bar for the first drink, we'll buy the cake but only up to x amount or we'll buy dd wedding dress x amount. Maybe the honeymoon, once they have booked it.
Don't waste all your money on their wedding day. It could increase their spending more than if they were paying.
Maybe set aside an amount to give to them as a wedding present to be put towards a house deposit?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/01/2020 16:08

How old are they? Why are getting married without being able to afford it? With whom do they live?

I think you decide an amount you can afford and will be able to afford for other DS and tell them. Then you let them spend it you want.

Presumably DS's IL's will do same

WilheldivaHater · 08/01/2020 16:09

You could offer to pay a set amount towards your ds suit? That way he has a nice one that he can keep for future events, that way you may feel like the money is going further than just being used for a one day party.

rhowton · 08/01/2020 16:10

Both of our parents helped pay for our wedding! My parents earn maybe 15 times more than my husbands parents and the money they gave was reflected!! But my PIL are very aware of how wealthy my parents are and have never tried to compete as they are babes!! Also, you don't need to let anyone know how much you are paying etc!

My friend is getting married in May and her parents are weird and are offering to only pay what the other family are paying and want to see where their money is going... don't be that parent!

CatToddlerUprising · 08/01/2020 16:10

I wouldn’t hand over a lump sum- I would pay directly for specific things

saraclara · 08/01/2020 16:16

My daughter and her husband paid for their own wedding, pretty much. I paid for the dress, and I believe that her PILs gave them some helpful money too, but I didn't ask how much.

But yes, it was their wedding and they had total control over it.

I'd work on the assumption that they're paying, but offer to pay for one element of it, say the dress, or the photographer. That way you won't be tempted to have opinions that you're not asked for, on anything else!

Lulu1919 · 08/01/2020 16:16

Hello our eldest has just booked her wedding date ...EXCITING
We told her ( after chatting with husband and thinking about the fact we have two daughters ) the lump sum we could give.
Along the way I may be able to add in a few more pounds here and there ...but nothing more set in stone !

Lulu1919 · 08/01/2020 16:18

Ps she's keeping a running total as I'm paying for things when asked...and then she knows what she's got left to play with ...it certainly won't cover the whole wedding ...maybe a third or half ....it's only small and she's doing a lot herself.

curiouslypacific · 08/01/2020 16:19

We got a few K in gifts from family when we married (didn't expect it), but paid for it ourselves. I only know one person who's parents paid for the wedding, but she's always been spoilt and the parents have more money than sense. Even then there was loads of drama as the parents expected to invite everyone they wanted, as they were paying.

If you aren't so wealthy that you wouldn't miss the money, dont waste it on a fancy party. Decide a comfortable sum to gift and leave the rest to them. They can either cut their cloth, or wait until they're a bit more established and can pay for what they want.

saraclara · 08/01/2020 16:20

I've seen that they don't have a home or jobs yet. That probably does put you in a slightly more difficult position. I'd probably wait to see what their overall plans are first, and then offer to pay for the one element.

I can imagine feeling a bit hmmm... if my daughter was spending big on a wedding, rather than saving for a home, while only working part time.

IggyAce · 08/01/2020 16:27

From experience (dh a wedding photographer) most couples pay for the day themselves. However parents may contribute to part of the day such as paying for dress, cake or photographer to x amount, it’s rare that parents pay for it all.
For my bc wedding my dps paid for my car, photographer and my dads suit.

KaptenKrusty · 08/01/2020 16:32

We just paid for our own last year ! My Parents gave us a gift of 6k some months after as a gift & Dh Parents gave a similar amount - this was money was no strings and for whatever we wanted to use it for - we put it in the house deposit saving fund!

I think you are definitely overthinking this. Just give what you can say it is either for wedding or to keep as a wedding present to be spent on something else :) they will be grateful for whatever you can offer :) x

Ragwort · 08/01/2020 16:32

I think it might be more important to discuss where they are planning to live and what their plans for full time work are .....

stellabelle · 08/01/2020 16:33

I paid for DD's dress - that was a personal thing between the two of us. Then we said we'd pay x amount towards the wedding - I think that paid for the flowers, cake and food. The groom's parents paid approx an equal amount which paid for the drinks and the hire of the venue. Anything else , the couple paid for. There was never a " conversation", we all just told the couple what we were prepared to pay and that was fine.

When DS started living with his gf, we gave him about the same money that we'd given D D for her wedding. They used it for a house deposit.

ThighThighofthigh · 08/01/2020 16:34

If i had a daughter I would like to be for the dress. As i have sons i don't know, maybe a lovely outfit. And possibly the photographer, something finite though.

It seems a bit childish for your parents to pay for your wedding.

Whattheother2catsprefer · 08/01/2020 16:35

Offer either a strict set amount "we would like to offer Y amount towards the wedding" or offer to pay for a item/items "as a contribution to the wedding we would like to pay for the photographer" or "we could buy the cake, photography and your suit". But make sure you stress there is a budget and they can't go loopy on the things you are paying for. I would stress the importance of the marriage over the wedding day and perhaps offer money towards a deposit of they go for a cheaper wedding.

Devereux1 · 08/01/2020 16:35

I think anybody expecting either set of parents to pay anything towards their wedding nowadays/passively waiting for a "contribution" is out of order. Do something nice for them of course, but I think it's a bit low for adults nowadays to expect other adults to pay for just a day of celebration.

Surely they need to get full time work and be self sufficient before they start thinking about getting married?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/01/2020 16:38

My fiancés parents wanted to contribute to the wedding. I wasn't keen as my parents are dead, so we'll get nothing from my side. In the end his parents offered to pay for our honeymoon, which was lovely of them - but I've got it on our budget and I'm not expecting it of them.

I'd offer to pay for something specific, if it was me - but in this case, I think I'd be more likely to hold back the wedding funds towards a deposit. It'll mean so much more to them, and help set them up for life.

Waterandlemonjuice · 08/01/2020 16:39

I like what my parents did: they told us they wouldn’t pay for weddings for any of us but gave each of us a deposit on a house or flat. It was an amazing leg up and meant we all were able to buy much sooner than we would have been able to otherwise. One of my siblings bought a flat for £95k which is now worth £500k (many, many years later of course). Then we all paid for our own weddings when we married.

WorldsOnFire · 08/01/2020 16:43

The best way to do it is to take the amount you want to contribute (regardless of how it’s spent or what they choose to do) and put a cheque in a nice card.

When DH and I got married there was a lot of conversation from both parents about the logistics/division/specifics and honestly drove us crazy!

Contributing - fine
Not contributing - fine
Making a fuss by wanting to know every single detail and changing your mind 20 times about what/how you’ll pay for specific items- annoying!

😂😂😂
Give a lump sum- walk away!

(Do make it clear if you have expectations though, as saying ‘but we put X amount to it’ when you see the guest list and realise people you expected to be included are missing may go down badly!

Racheyg · 08/01/2020 16:46

Got married about 18 months ago.

No discussion both sets of parents offered a amount that was suitable for them. We paid the rest.

allkilla · 08/01/2020 16:48

My partners family gave us money towards our wedding. We didn't need it but they wanted to contribute. They asked us not to tell my family the precise amount as they didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable as its not a competition (their words). The money hasn't come with any strings attached, in fact they said should we elope we should use it for a new kitchen. I don't think the chat would be awkward. If you would like to contribute and it doesn't come with strings then I'm sure they would appreciate it but there is no obligation to.

ZenNudist · 08/01/2020 16:49

Most people wait until they can afford it and pay for themselves. Unless you're loaded and no need for the money.