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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Who pays for Wedding conversation

194 replies

swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 16:02

Has anyone’s children recently got married? As I’d like to know how you go about broaching the subject of who’s paying for what and how much.
We’re more than happy to contribute but don’t want to embarrass our DS partners family. How do we say we’ll give this amount as it’s our budget & not willing to give more if they overspend?
Also I know I’ll have to hand over the money and bite my tongue if it gets spent on stuff I think is unnecessary. I’m all for it being a very special day for the couple but would like some sort of sensible checks to be made at this stage in their lives as they have no home as yet or F/T work.
We also need to bare in mind our other DS. If he chooses in the future to have a wedding/civil ceremony or not, we would want to support him with same amount of money for whatever.
Thanks for your thoughts...

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 08/01/2020 16:49

I think it might be more important to discuss where they are planning to live and what their plans for full time work are ....

^
THIS

KaptenKrusty · 08/01/2020 16:54

just reread your post and see they don't even work full time yet.. they should probably get their acts together and start saving up a bit and finding a place to live ahead of a wedding

Batqueen · 08/01/2020 16:55

I would settle down on an amount you can contribute but make it clear that after they get this money you will then be saving for DS2 so it is up to them if they use it all towards the wedding, honeymoon or would prefer to hold some back for a house deposit as they can expect only small gifts in the future no large sums.

I know I can expect nothing from my parents when I get married as instead I got a contribution towards my deposit. I know what I would rather have! My sisters was split 50/50

Troels · 08/01/2020 16:56

We gave a big chunk of money towards the house deposit for Ds1 we'll do the same for Ds2 and Dd.
Weddings they can fund. At the moment the Ds's live with their partners no wedings as yet.
Our own was cheap as chips and we funded it. Then as a surprise MIL hdd laid on a small party at her place as a reception, she had free reign on what it was we just turned up, it was her and FIL present for our wedding.

NemophilistRebel · 08/01/2020 16:57

Most people I know pay for it themselves by saving which is why lots of 2 year engagements rather than the quicker engagement of yesteryear

My parents offered some money (a set amount) and DH’s parents also wanted to contribute.

It we wouldn’t have expected it

Iloveacurry · 08/01/2020 16:57

Perhaps they should get a job first, before you offer them anything.

User182756 · 08/01/2020 17:00

I am getting married soon. We made a budget for it based on fairly accurate coatings and lists and told my parents the overall figure. Both have said a lump sum they are willing to contribute.

Before that happened though my father assumed he was paying and kicked off when I booked without asking. Huge row! I didn't know he was planning on paying for it - it was just an assumption. We aren't close.

kaldefotter · 08/01/2020 17:03

You’re not obligated to give them any money towards the wedding... this is the 21st century,

That said, whatever you do, only give them money up to your “biting your tongue” threshold. No matter how much you give them, it is not for you to decide, or comment on, what they are or are not spending their wedding budget on. Try interfering, and it will impact on the relationship between you for years.

So, if a £5k contribution would make you feel compelled to offer suggestions, comments, or outright requests or demands, do not offer that amount! Offer less, then leave them to get on with it.

GoldfishRampage · 08/01/2020 17:12

I'd just offer a lump sum that you are comfortable with, with absolutely no strings attached and tell them to do whatever they want. Tell them you don't want to know how much the other parents are paying and that you would prefer it if they didn't discuss how much you are paying. The thought that the two sets of parents should offer equal amounts is ridiculous and old fashioned.

It's tacky of brides and grooms to talk about how much the other parents are contributing.

My Mum and Dad paid for a little bit of our wedding and my husbands family didn't contribute a penny (plus we paid for all the accommodation and transport. They also didn't get us wedding presents ). and I think that is absolutely ok!

Our wedding was small and wonderful. It was the most relaxed and happy wedding I've ever been to.

It didn't cross our minds that anyone else should pay. It was sweet of my parents to pay a little but they weren't expected to.

YessicaHaircut · 08/01/2020 17:13

Maybe offer to pay for some specific things as suggested above? That way the “essential” things are covered and then if the couple want extra bits on top they need to fund it themselves.
DH and I wanted to pay for our wedding so only planned and booked what we could afford ourselves. Then when it was all paid for my parents very kindly gave us the money for some things - my mum paid for the cake, flowers and alterations to my dress, and my dad paid for the registry office and hired a nice car to take us there and back. Everything else, my dress, suits for DH and best man, everything for the afternoon/evening do, was paid for by us. We’d just bought a flat so most of our spare cash had been prioritised for that.
If you want to give a lump sum they’d be better off using it towards a house deposit IMO!

firstimemamma · 08/01/2020 17:16

I don't think a wedding should even be considered until they are a bit more sorted in life and working.

inwood · 08/01/2020 17:17

We paid for our own wedding, the disparity between the two families would have been embarrassing, plus I wanted control over invitees.

Purpleartichoke · 08/01/2020 17:23

I would give the couple a cash gift in an amount you are comfortable with and tell them it’s up to them to plan and budget the wedding. You do not need to worry about it being a certain percentage of the wedding budget. Just give what you want and leave them to it. Maybe they will ask to serve cake and punch in your garden for their reception or maybe they will plan a grand affair and spend their savings, that is up to them.

KatnissMellark · 08/01/2020 17:29

We expected to pay for our own wedding. DH's parents offered £x with no strings but instead we asked them to pay for the food which was c10% less than £x, and we also asked their opinion on what food we served. We were very grateful for their contribution and made sure we thanked them properly. We got nothing from my parents, which is what we expected. The done thing nowadays is to pay for your own wedding. Any contributions from parents are a bonus!

If I were you I would offer £x or '£x towards food/drinks/whatever you feel willing to put your money towards'.

Babybel90 · 08/01/2020 17:31

Our parents paid for things like the dress, the cake or the wine but they didn’t get any say in things and didn’t have to pay for anything they didn’t agree with.

misspiggy19 · 08/01/2020 17:32

@Devereux1
Most people I know had some kind of contribution from their parents for their wedding. Doesn’t make them entitled or out of order

Devereux1 · 08/01/2020 17:34

misspiggy19 Why doesnt it?

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 17:38

dementedpixie it would be far more sensible for them to wait but I’m predicting that isn’t going to happen

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 08/01/2020 17:38

DH and I paid for ours. Our parents had no money to contribute and I ended up taking out a bank loan. We got married abroad and noone went with us so it was cheaper than a wedding in the UK.

Chocolateandchats · 08/01/2020 17:40

When DH and I got engaged my parents had a chat with us and said they can contribute x amount of money so we should include that in our budget. What we did with it was up to us as long as it included my dress. My in-laws did the same. We were also engaged for two years and had no expectations of money but it was really appreciated and I will be forever grateful that it meant I got my dream wedding. My parents gave the same amount to my sibling so there’s never been any resentment.

dementedpixie · 08/01/2020 17:40

If they have to fund it themselves then maybe they will get motivated to get jobs and wait longer

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/01/2020 17:42

Just make a gift of the amount you would like to give and let them do what they like with it. Couples should expect to pay the bulk themselves these days and have a wedding within their budget. We have had 5 weddings , mixed genders, the first doughter wedding was paid for 20 years ago, she was 22 and living at home, all the rest were established couples living together, they each got £5,000

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/01/2020 17:43

Re reading your post, they cannot afford to get married or be married yet

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 17:46

Ivyr0se - I looked it up & I know it depends on how the survey was done but in Britain in 2018 - 62% of brides and 45% of grooms contributed to the wedding.
We’re quite happy to contribute, so just wanted to know how people go about it...

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 08/01/2020 17:50

@Devereux1

Er because some parents want to help pay for their kids wedding. Because that is what families do. Not hard to understand that is it Hmm