Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Who pays for Wedding conversation

194 replies

swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 16:02

Has anyone’s children recently got married? As I’d like to know how you go about broaching the subject of who’s paying for what and how much.
We’re more than happy to contribute but don’t want to embarrass our DS partners family. How do we say we’ll give this amount as it’s our budget & not willing to give more if they overspend?
Also I know I’ll have to hand over the money and bite my tongue if it gets spent on stuff I think is unnecessary. I’m all for it being a very special day for the couple but would like some sort of sensible checks to be made at this stage in their lives as they have no home as yet or F/T work.
We also need to bare in mind our other DS. If he chooses in the future to have a wedding/civil ceremony or not, we would want to support him with same amount of money for whatever.
Thanks for your thoughts...

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:34

I like your thinking WhatTheOther2CatsPrefer
It should definitely be about the marriage and Id love to contribute toward their future together

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:35

Devereux1 nothing has been asked of us yet. Just planning incase

OP posts:
LAA2 · 08/01/2020 18:35

When we got married 12 years ago both sets of parents went half on the catering bill which came in at 5000. His parents paid for the venue decorations (chair covers/ table displays) and my parents paid for the flowers. The church was free. My parish priest had known me most of my life and wouldn't accept any payment from us. Everything else was paid for by us.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:37

Thank you AnchorDownDeepBreath

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:40

Waterandlemonjuice I wish we’d had that discussion before now. But I think we would feel uncomfortable attending their special day having given nought and then tucking in to food etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:44

Sound advice WorldsonFire
I think I’m going to have to come on here when the time comes to vent so I don’t go opening my big mouth and say something derogatory about how it’s spent 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Robs20 · 08/01/2020 18:44

My parents paid for the food and drink at our wedding. We didn’t ask but they wanted to contribute, and we liked the idea of them paying for something specific. DH’s family didn’t offer to contribute anything.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/01/2020 18:44

When dh and I married we did so after 18m of saving to pay for it. Once we started to book stuff my mum insisted on paying for the dress and dhs mum insisted on paying for the flowers.

This was great for us as we picked what we wanted not knowing they would pay, and they could just pay that money directly to the suppliers. No "budget" questions to be had, and it freed up money we had earmarked for those things.

We also had an open bar for the daytime (small wedding), and unbeknownst to us til the next morning my dad had settled the tab for that.

Lovely surprises but we were prepared and happy to pay it all ourselves.

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 18:45

Thank you Racheyg
That would be a perfect scenario

OP posts:
MazDazzle · 08/01/2020 18:46

How old are they and why don’t they have full time jobs? Seems a bit strange to plan to get married in these circumstances. Are they still living at home?

RubyRed24 · 08/01/2020 18:50

I don't think either of our families contributed however I had money left to me from my dad.

okiedokieme · 08/01/2020 18:51

My parents paid for my wedding (cheapish, £1500) I will do the same for my DD's to a similar budget adjusted for inflation of course - well church wedding followed by simply reception, if they want more they pay for the extra

Thegoodandbadlife · 08/01/2020 18:52

Personally I think the best thing to do is have a sit down with them and either offer them x amount of money towards the wedding (that way they can contribute their own money if needed and can’t go over your budget and you be penalised) or offer to pay for certain things!

Topseyt · 08/01/2020 18:54

We paid for our own wedding. There were financial gifts from each set of parents, but only whatever they wanted to pay at the time.

Just decide on a lump sum that you can afford to give to both of your children and do that. Tell them it can be towards weddings, house deposit or anything else they need it for. Then leave them to do as they wish with it. Don't try to control what it is spent on.

okiedokieme · 08/01/2020 18:54

Ps it's looking like both mine want to marry young, one especially is pretty traditional and said she doesn't want to live with him before marriage, the other just has specific circumstances that indicate a date which works - hope their dad is doing plenty of overtime!!!

BackforGood · 08/01/2020 18:56

My parents paid a lot towards our wedding, and I hope to do the same for my dc. However, like you, I wouldn't be chucking money at unicorn pulled carriages so at least 1/2 of MN would call me controlling.

I think I would let them work through what sort of 'do' they want, what sort of budget they are looking at and let them think how they are planning to pay, if they don't have jobs or a home. It seems all a bit the wrong way round to me.
If they want to have adult conversations about realities of life, then I'd offer to pay for certain things. Does depend on the dc though.
dc2 I'd be happy to let her know I'm giving her £X and she's really sensible with money. dc1 OTOH.......

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2020 19:14

@Devereux1 so if a couple don't ask, assume or expect any money but the parents offer a contribution and the couple say yes, then that makes them entitled? Are they suppose to say 'no thanks?'

pinksparkleunicorns · 08/01/2020 19:15

You could ask ' I'd like to contribute towards the photographer. How much were they?'

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 19:19

allkilla - I love that scenario too, although I doubt they would be able to keep quiet about what we’ve contributed - but that would be their choice

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 19:20

Thanks ZenNudist - lets hope they do that!

OP posts:
Pestopastamad · 08/01/2020 19:22

I didn't realise that this was a thing anymore.

A lot of posters are very lucky to have parents that can hand over that amount of money. DP and I fund everything ourselves, and I'm not sure than I would accept a huge amount of money as a gift of either of our parents were well off.

OP I wouldn't mention it until they do, if they ever do. I would also say that help toward a house is a much, much, much better way to support them long-term, unless you intended to give money for both.

bubblesforlife · 08/01/2020 19:23

We paid 100% for our own.
Didn’t expect money from parents and would never accept it even if it was offered.
Times have changed.
However if they are not able to afford it, then that’s a different question.
The thing is though, they should have the wedding they can afford...

Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 19:23

SelfSettling3 & KaptenKrusty
I think those conversations have been had but we’re not in the loop - I’m going to have to ask gently what their plans are 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
swimmer4 · 08/01/2020 19:24

Thanks batqueen

OP posts:
PaperbackBlighter · 08/01/2020 19:28

We didn’t expect our parents to contribute at all. Mine said they’d give us a cash gift to go towards the honeymoon, and ILs didn’t discuss it at all.

The day of the wedding, my parents gave us a gift of £2k and my ILs gave £5k.

Phenomenally generous.

The morning after the wedding, we went to the hotel reception to pay the final bill (£13,000) and the manager handed us our bill with “paid” stamped across it and a note from my parents to wish us all the best for our future.
It was quite a nice way to do it because we didn’t go ridiculously OTT on the wedding as we had saved a set amount, whereas if they had given it beforehand, we may have been tempted to spend their gift and what we had saved.

Sorry OP, I know it’s not relevant to you, but brought back a nice memory.

In your shoes, I’d offer what you can afford and feel is appropriate as a gift and treat it as such- no strings attached, and bite your tongue if you think they’re using it for something you wouldn’t spend money on.