Who pays for Wedding conversation

[swimmer4]

Has anyone’s children recently got married? As I’d like to know how you go about broaching the subject of who’s paying for what and how much.
We’re more than happy to contribute but don’t want to embarrass our DS partners family. How do we say we’ll give this amount as it’s our budget & not willing to give more if they overspend?
Also I know I’ll have to hand over the money and bite my tongue if it gets spent on stuff I think is unnecessary. I’m all for it being a very special day for the couple but would like some sort of sensible checks to be made at this stage in their lives as they have no home as yet or F/T work.
We also need to bare in mind our other DS. If he chooses in the future to have a wedding/civil ceremony or not, we would want to support him with same amount of money for whatever.
Thanks for your thoughts...

Troels I like your approach. Wish we’d had the deposit conversation before now.

I think I’d check with couple before organising a reception party as a surprise as it might be exactly what they were trying to avoid!!! Quite clearly it was ok with you but I’d be worried it was stepping on my future ILs toes and future relationship with them is far more important than the wedding bash.

I don't think you should offer anything if you're going to want to tell them how they can spend it, it's their wedding day not yours!! Something really special to them might seem pointless to you.....

Aha 😃thank you NemophilistRebel
That I hadn’t considered - a long engagement - just goes to show overthinking things can be sooo wasteful 😂
This may well be what will happen - in which case they’ll be time for us to learn their plans and set out what we’d like to do.
Thank you

We just talked to them when my future son in law took my husband for a drink to ‘seek his support’ for the marriage. My daughter and I joined them for a meal and we chatted about realistic expectations.
It was then a gradual process of discussion and refining the budget.
We have agreed an amount they may spend but my husband is a bit of a soft touch and has paid for additional things outside of the budget (like the wedding dress).
We’re expecting it to come in over budget but hopefully by ongoing discussions we can be prepared and rein in excess.

Iloveacurry agreed 💰

if they want guests to pay for honeymoon we don’t want to scupper those plans

What?? Why would they want or expect guests to pay for their honeymoon?

I think you should hold off on any conversation for a while. If they are chatting about the wedding then get an idea of what kind of wedding they are planning. They may only have close family and friends so might not have a large amount of guests. Or they may choose to go to Vegas. Either way they shouldn't rely on getting money from anyone else for any part of their wedding. It's a bonus to be given extra cash but shouldn't be an expectation.

I wouldn't offer to pay for specific things as they may go all out and pick expensive options when they assume you can splash out. If you can afford £2k for instance, then tell them you will give it to them towards the reception. Then when they are paying the venue give them a cheque on the day.

User182756 - thank you so much for sharing that. It’s that kind of thing I want to avoid.
It’s all about timing if we are going to say what we’d like to offer 😬

You either need to:

• Give a contribution, and then accept that they will (and should) spend it how they wish
• Offer to pay for specific things (give a budget and if they want to top up they can)

The worst thing is parents insisting on paying, and then feeling they have a right to influence/veto the couples choices as a result - if that is what you would want to do you would be better off just leaving them to it. My parents paid for my dress, but I was very clear that as much as I appreciated the gesture, if there were a whiff of pushiness I would decline

Thank you kaldefotter.
That’s exactly what I need to hear. Future relationship is most important with this and that’s why I can’t bang on about jobs & accommodation right now.

GoldfishRampage - your wedding sounded lovely - how it should be.
I’m hoping the couple have the same attitude as you about contributing but I do remember from our Wedding that most of the stresses were caused by people having a set mind about how things should be done and NOT keeping it to themselves 😬😬

YessicaHairvut agreed 😊

firsttimemammma - here’s hoping for a long engagement 🤞

inwood there is that issue but people have kindly suggested how embarrassment can be avoided.
As for ‘controlling’ the guest list - That definitely isn’t going to happen from our end and as it’s the couple day I’d hope they invite the people nearest & dearest to them that will witness and support them on their journey into wedded life on the day and in the future if they need it.

My dad and step-mum offered an amount when we got engaged. They made us aware it could be used towards any part of the wedding or towards a house deposit.

My in-laws gave us a cheque after we got married as a wedding present, which we used towards our house deposit.

My mum paid for specific things - my dress, flowers, cake. The problem with paying for specific things is that my mum wanted roses, which I didn’t. Not having roses made it cheaper but my mum still thought they weren’t wedding flowers without roses. If you pay for specific things, like a photographer, you can set a budget that you’re willing to contribute but I would leave the final decision as to which photographer to them.

With them not having a house yet, I would probably give them the amount you’re willing to give and say it’s for their house deposit (although you won’t be able to stop them spending it on something else if they chose).

Thank you PurpleArtichoke

My parents contributed about a quarter towards my wedding and my husband paid the rest. I was 40. We divided the guest list by thirds - my parents, me, him.
My stepson got married recently and I think her Dad paid for most of it as they wouldn't have had the wedding they did without their support

Thank you KatnissMellark
It’s really useful to get an up to date view on how things are done now.
I’m still stuck back when we did it and it’s soooo different now. I’m also getting in a stew hoping that the upsets our family caused at our wedding won’t happen for my DS & his lovely GF.

Thank you Babybel90
That’s how I’d like it to pan out.
Love your name btw 😂 🧀

My ILs said they were giving x as a wedding gift but we could have it before if we wanted to use it to pay for the wedding

Can’t believe anyone wants a wedding now that civil partnerships are available. It’s like buying an Austin Allegro rather than a Tesla.

I’d do CP, couple of witnesses, nice lunch for small group then go travelling rather than support the sexist tradition that is marriage!

misspiggy19 Agreed - I’m sure our DS knows that something will come his way in one form (pay for certain a wedding things) or another (deposit) as he knows our situation and that of his ILs.

dementedpixie - I would love it if they went off away and tied the knot if that’s what they wanted to do.
It really must be THEIR day 😊

A lovely scenario Chocolateandchats

I got married a few years ago. We were working etc and organised the budget we could afford. However a few months before the date my PIL (Grooms parents) very kindly gave us a significant sum as a gift. We had budgeted already so we saved that as used it on a house deposit which they were happy with. It was very much appreciated and they never asked (and I never told them) what my parents were doing.

My mum said she would give me some money to help pay for the wedding but never did. That was much worse.

If l had money to give my adult dc, l would refuse point blank to use it for a wedding.

I would give money for a house deposit. Bricks and mortar last a lot longer than a wedding day.

If they wanted a big wedding, l would expect them to find it themselves