Staying for the children's sake

[thehappyparent]

There are many valid reasons why some parents have no option but to leave the family home. But for those who are simply unhappy with their marriage, leaving may not be necessary in order for them to find happiness. Indeed, leaving is not even a guarantee of finding happiness.

Being a parent has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. I cannot imagine any other experience bringing me more happiness.

Having decided to stay in my bad marriage in order to provide my children with the best upbringing I could provide them with, I found that my happiness in life came from seeing them grow into two wonderful, well-adjusted adults.

Staying may not be the right solution for everyone, but it can be for many who feel 'stuck' in their unhappy marriage.

If you can love your child more than you love yourself you can find fulfilment that only comes from being a parent. That's not to say that only those parents who stay are good or loving parents. Or that those who leave are unloving or bad parents. I'm not saying that at all.

What I am saying is that in many cases, staying in the family home really can work for both parents and the children. And that true happiness can still be found, regardless of the marriage not being perfect or very fulfilling.

My children are both glad that I stayed.

So am I.

Good for you.

If my parents had stayed together 36 years ago I'd have been even more miserable than I was with them apart.

Staying together for the kids is usually stupid.

Happy parents make happy children and living for your children, IMHO, is not living. Its surviving.

Yeah - I understand that Tee. I'm not making a statement which covers every situation. My point is that it is possible to be happy even in a bad marriage. If we lower our expectations of marriage and pour our passions into other aspects of life we can avoid the conflicts which so often arise between two married people.

It's not about 'putting up with' a bad marriage, it's about changing ourselves so that we no longer look for the kind of fulfilment we once did in a marriage.

I'm divorced now and have been single for 4 years. Not because I can't find anyone, but because I really don't need a relationship to define who I am or to make me happy. I never thought that could really happen to me when I was at my most miserable. I just learned to adapt and changed my outlook.

I know it's not for everyone, but I know that many people do stay and many children benefit from that decision and are happy that their parents stayed together.

Are you still trying to flog your E-book then? Most people pay for advertising, you know.

I'm confused

I read the OP about the value of staying together in an unsatisfactory marriage for the sake of the dc and it didn't ring true for me but I thought that was just because it didn't include any detail so felt strange to me.

Then I read the second post OP and you are divorced so why are you starting a thread about the value of staying together for the dc

Sorry if I'm being thick

BitOfFun, I haven't mentioned any book. Let it lie.

ZZZ my children are grown up now. My daughter is 20 and my son 22

You're warming us up though, aren't you?

Why don't you start a thtread about something else and try to blend in a bit first, if you want to slip in stuff about your book quietly?

Actually I think staying in a marriage that has 'lower' expectations does damage of a different kind, it gives your children lower expectations of their own marriage. It may make them miss out on a fabulous relationship because they've been taught to have low expectations.....

Not sure which would be worse parents splitting or rarely seeing tenderness, kindness and love between parents.

Posieparker. I think that all viewpoints on the pros and cons of leaving or staying are valid. There's no hard and fast rule.

A child won't be so concerned about the lack of tenderness or affection between the parents if she/he is receiving plenty from the parents. As for kindness, I think it's still possible for parents to be kind to each other even if they don't get on. It's not about what's possible, it's about how far is a parent willing to go to create a stable and loving home.

Life isn't black and white and there is something which can exist between leaving and staying while being miserable.

I can't speak for other children, but my own children are quite clear that they are happy that we stayed together.

THP, I take it you are now going to separate? And your children are not yet married or cohabiting?

I grew up in a house full of conflict where I wish my parents had separated, still do, what I was taught by their example (especially my Mother) was not apparent until I was in my own significant relationship. I did not know that I was verbally aggressive, I did not that I would be emotionally manipulative and have spells of cold....I can only think children that have parents that are without true love and affection for eachother will find it a more difficult path to tread with a partner who has come from a home with a very happy marriage.

I don't know any of this, I just assume.

Hoping of course you have researched this area and you can tell me I'm wrong?

Of course he can- he has written a book about it. I'm sure he will mention it at some point.

not this rubbish again....its akin to trolling this is!!

my children are now glad we split up because of the rows. They are generally well adjusted and have done brilliantly at school and uni. They both have said never stay together for the sake of the children..they wouldnt have thanked us for that. Actually my ex and i are better friends now than we ever were, so my guys benefit from two happy parents and a wider circle of friends!!

Posieparker. I think your assumptions may have some basis in reality for some people. My place isn't really to comment on experiences I haven't had, or to speculate on the effects of individual relationships on the children.

I was far from a perfect parent. But when I look at my own children and see how well balanced they are emotionally, it kind of makes me think that even in far-from-perfect circumstances we can still demonstrate what a loving relationship is. Children don't necessarily focus on the relationship between their parents - especially if their own relationship with each parent is a good one.

Of course, they may learn to be more discerning in choosing a life-partner but it doesn't necessarily mean that they will develop an unhealthy approach to intimacy.

We can, as parents, show them all the love they need, and if two parents can work together, they can do a lot to limit the conflict which exists in the home.

parents can live apart and work together just as well. and who can predict what will happen to your 'perfect' children in the future??

FGS we know you're only here to plug your book again, bugger off.

nobody is buying it....in either sense!

It's all getting a bit preachy, don't you think? Sorry Steve, but you are coming across as terribly earnest. Why don't you show us you're happy by joining in a bit more on the rest of the site and having a laugh? Just telling us you have the secret of Zen parenting is a bit on the dull side, tbh, and not really in the spirit of the place. If you see what I mean.

Well, you know BitOfFun, Trillian and ILove, no-one has mentioned a book on here except you. So why don't you take your own advice and stop talking about it. I have the freedom to discuss this subject without having to be subjected to your overbearing and bigotted standpoints. Live and let live. Don't be so oppressive and arrogant. There are other points of view besides yours.

You're back...

You're the guy who gives yourself a pat on the back for staying until your kids were teenagers, and then you bailed out. So you didn't really 'stay'.

I vote for leaving before the children know any different. You did things the wrong way and wrote a book to try and convince yourself there was some sort of virtue in 'gritting your teeth' and putting up with your wife for the sake of your children (you want to believe).

and once a fortnight you post a thread on here to remind yourself how you did it right.

There are also other subjects to discuss besides the same one that you keep bringing up agian and again.

Trillian, actually, I brought the subject up again because it's important. If you don't like it, just leave. No-one is forcing you to read what I write, and likewise I should be allowed the freedom to say what's on my mind.

Maggie, you are speculating. Not very wise. Be sure you are in possession of the facts before you throw out dogmatic accusations.

I pity your wife. She could have met somebody nice if you weren't winning medals staying with her... for a decade. Bravo.