Staying for the children's sake

[thehappyparent]

There are many valid reasons why some parents have no option but to leave the family home. But for those who are simply unhappy with their marriage, leaving may not be necessary in order for them to find happiness. Indeed, leaving is not even a guarantee of finding happiness.

Being a parent has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. I cannot imagine any other experience bringing me more happiness.

Having decided to stay in my bad marriage in order to provide my children with the best upbringing I could provide them with, I found that my happiness in life came from seeing them grow into two wonderful, well-adjusted adults.

Staying may not be the right solution for everyone, but it can be for many who feel 'stuck' in their unhappy marriage.

If you can love your child more than you love yourself you can find fulfilment that only comes from being a parent. That's not to say that only those parents who stay are good or loving parents. Or that those who leave are unloving or bad parents. I'm not saying that at all.

What I am saying is that in many cases, staying in the family home really can work for both parents and the children. And that true happiness can still be found, regardless of the marriage not being perfect or very fulfilling.

My children are both glad that I stayed.

So am I.

Steve, is that a no then?. YOu didn't give your wife half the equity when you decided to sell the family home??

A light has gone on in my head.

It is day 497 in the Steve Rees house.

Steve has got very excited about those webchats that the party leaders did in the last few weeks.

He is now holding a Webchat himself as a famous author of a well known parenting advice textbook. And lots of lovely ladies are joining in. It is very exciting.

Grandiose? Embarassing? Disturbing?

YOU decide.

Ok, well, instead of discussing the subject. Go ahead - speculate, insult and pontificate. I'll leave this thread for a while. I'll be back to see where it's gone in a few days.

What a shame that no-one seems to be able to carry out a mature, objective discussion.

later

x

OP there are a lot of bright people on here. They read between the lines. You put out what you know is a controversial topic to be discussed;don't expect it to be taken at face value, expect us to try and put it into some context. If you want bland responses that don't take into account context, maybe you should ask a different group for their views.

So Steve, what does your wife have to show for 20 years of sacrifice (to motherhood, marriage, part-time work)?? You came out of it unscathed.

It's hard to get a mortgage after 40ish you know. DID she have half the equity from the sale of the family home?

Actually Steve, your wife wasn't really in the family was she???

She had a bit part in the play about you, you were the protagonist obviously and then after a season finale, you wrote her out.

Steve bailed out at the very moment he'd had enough.

He decided to sell the family home. His wife walked away with ....... nothing.

That's what I'm reading between the lines.

OP, I was wondering how it all works, I guess you are just used to doing things your way.

he fucked over his wife that's for sure.

his children are doing very very well academically, and he's very proud of them. his wife is living under waterloo bridge he thinks [yawn] it took her a whole year to fuck off out of his house

How bizarre.

OP says "Look! look I had an unhappy marriage but I stayed. That's right I stayed and I've written a book about how you too can stay in a bad marriage but raise happy children"

OP is pulled up sharpish and asked for a few more details on how his wife might feel (Quick heads up for you Stevo, but you're posting on a site called MUMSNET, hence most posters are women and interested in how the WOMAN in this little scenario might fare) and the response is "Stop making it personal, just debate the premise of my post"

Well, DUH!

As a wooly-headed woman, I'd just like to say that you don't hold the monopoly on "loving your children more than yourself" My children come first. Always. And for me that meant removing them from an unhealthy marital environment. This seems blatantly obvious to me, I preferred to teach my children that relationships can be wonderful, but sometimes they are flawed, and I have managed to maintain an excellent relationship with their dad.

So I'm better than you, ner.

One thing you are all blissfully forgetting. When parents split up, it is nearly always the woman which gets custody. 85% of single parent families are those with the mother at home.

How do you think fathers feel, only getting to see their kids part time? Life is not so easy as a parent when you only get to 'visit' your children.

You may as well give up speculating on the personal side of my own relationship. It's simply not up for discussion anymore.

so you made sure you had custody of your children with your wife somewhere in the back ground of your life?

and then when you called time, what happened Steve? did your wife get half of the equity on the family home?????

Plenty of parents work out a shared residency. It's not thar difficult.

whoah, back up there, you've just undermined the whole premise of your original point.

You stayed with your wife so YOU could be with your children. You avoided having to pay any maintenance, and then when you no longer needed your wife you sold the family home and you clearly didn't share its equity.

So you did what you did for selfish tightwad reasons.. but you can't see that can you?

Shit, they'll want feeding in a minute won't they?

You seem incapable of keeping the debate on track sweetie, is it difficult for you? Your argument is that you can stay in a bad marriage and raise happy children. My argument is No you probably can't, and the fact that you left ANYWAY kind of reinforces that.

Oh, and you just contradicted yourself a teeny bit by asking how father's feel having to "visit" their children. That's not really about putting the children first is it? It's about YOUR feelings as a father.

So, in summary, No one wants to buy your book, and no amount of footage of you sat in a pub playing some terrible music as backing, and splicing in pictures of happy families with "uplifting" quotes is going to change that.

You did what you did to protect your own interests and your pocket. It was your wife that made the sacrifices.

I now understand why YOU stayed. What has your wife got to show for having endured 2 decades of you?

NOT half the equity of the shared family home anyway.

OK - these are the last personal questions I'll answer. We shared the equity from the family home. I ended up in enormous debt. My wife didn't (the details are related to the divorce but will not be discussed). My children stayed with her.

My daughter moved in with me 3 months later and my son moved in with me about 9 months later. I am still not in a relationship, neither is my ex as far as I know. My relationship with my children is my own affair, my wife's relationship with them is her affair.

My leaving at the time I did was carefully considered - my children were very mature and independent at the time. It did not affect their education - they both left school better qualified than most of their peers with above average results.

Of course I didn't get custody of my children - they were old enough to make their own decisions. Now come on - instead of speculating at how shitty I may or may not have been, just be objective and stop being so personal.

I can just picture him writing bitter songs about how she did him wrong...

What kind of pompous narcissist are you Steve??

You sold the family home after two decades of marriage, you didn't give your wife her share of the equity?

...and then posting them on YouTube, with a video of trees without leaves/dead flowers/crying children.

What a wally!

OK, happy parent, I've come across you as a poster for the first time. I know nothing of your "previous," with regard to other threads or books or whatever.
However, I do not wish to debate the points you raise, as you come across throughout this as being arrogant, patronising, pompous and smug.

So,

23 mins between OP saying he's stomping off in a huff for a few days and popping up again with next post. Narcissistic?