Staying for the children's sake

[thehappyparent]

There are many valid reasons why some parents have no option but to leave the family home. But for those who are simply unhappy with their marriage, leaving may not be necessary in order for them to find happiness. Indeed, leaving is not even a guarantee of finding happiness.

Being a parent has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. I cannot imagine any other experience bringing me more happiness.

Having decided to stay in my bad marriage in order to provide my children with the best upbringing I could provide them with, I found that my happiness in life came from seeing them grow into two wonderful, well-adjusted adults.

Staying may not be the right solution for everyone, but it can be for many who feel 'stuck' in their unhappy marriage.

If you can love your child more than you love yourself you can find fulfilment that only comes from being a parent. That's not to say that only those parents who stay are good or loving parents. Or that those who leave are unloving or bad parents. I'm not saying that at all.

What I am saying is that in many cases, staying in the family home really can work for both parents and the children. And that true happiness can still be found, regardless of the marriage not being perfect or very fulfilling.

My children are both glad that I stayed.

So am I.

Did she have a job whilst you were staying with her? Or did she stay at home with your children?

What about your partner? I would be devastated if my husband was only with me for the children then decided to leave when they left home. If you are not prepared to stay all the way to the end you might as well leave straight away so everyone can adjust their lives accordingly. You could have moved down the road and had shared access.

Exactly babyblues, this guy makes a song and dance about 'staying' but actually he left when his children were teenagers!! he's so busy patting himself on the back though he can't see it.

Actually, in the last few years of our marriage I worked from home. So I picked the kids up from school and cooked dinner. She had a daytime job working part-time.

She and I shared everything and split the assets down the middle when we got divorced. However, I let her stay in the house for a year after I left and continued to pay the mortgage and bills.

You 'let' her stay in the house for one year. That's awfully big of you. If she hadn't been looking after your children she'd have had a full time job and would have had her own house. You didn't consider the house your children grew up in her house too?

I hope she has somewhere half decent to live now because it's harder to get on the ladder later in life. Especially with a history of part time work.

God you're deluded. You think you have done the right thing??? I feel for your wife. Your forcefield of delusion is impenetrable.

Yes - I let her stay. I could have insisted on selling the house, but I didn't. But you know what, once again this thread has focused on me. It has become a witch hunt once more instead of an objective open discussion.

Why don't you try focusing on the subject matter instead of on me?

Oh so you held all the power in the relationship did you? It was down to you ultimately whether you left or whether she was allowed stay in your joint home?

The subject matter is very much tied up with your delusional mindset steve. YOu seem to believe that there is virtue in staying until children are in their teens. Perhaps your children dealt well with that, but you left your wife in a vulnerable position by the sounds of it.

How come it was down to you to 'allow' her to stay in the family home? Did you legally own the family home? So she was at your mercy pretty much, with no legal rights to the family home/???

Actually, from here on I'm not even going to respond to the personal attacks.

How about this?

If it's possible to love your child more than you love yourself, it's possible to do anything for them. Does anyone agree with that?

Just answer the question and leave your personal feelings about me out of it.

you did sell the house. once again, you're giving yourself a pat on the back for procrastinating slightly. you still sold the house, just a year later.

so, what rights did your wife have when you decided to call time on the marriage? it seems odd that you were in the pompous position of allowing her to stay in your family home...

OP, you have put yourself in the firing line by using your own situation to illustrate how 'staying' can work. You have also evaded my question, so I'll rephrase:

In a situation where a person stays at home with young children on the condition they will take up their career again once the children require a little less time, isn't the ultimate insult their partner staying with them for the children? The parent has already given up opportunities and a career, to give up love too and have no chance at finding it(as they're living a lie)is pretty awful. Whilst, misguided, they stay for the children they render their own lives to be, later, filled with regret.

it's all relevant though steve! how could any woman seriously consider contemplating what you're suggesting, if the end result of your story is that the wife ends up with no home in her early forties (approx). Would she even be eligible for a mortgage at that age with a part time work.

.

What a burden for your children to know that you (general you) spent years less happy than you could have been rather than making a new path to happiness.

I agree that people should stay together when they have children, by that I mean they should do everything possible to get the relationship right, not flog a dead horse.

Exactly PP! Steve says this can work but the bit I hear is that after 20 odd years of marriage, this guy considered their family home his home, and he 'graciously' allowed her to stay there for one year (he thinks he's a star). Then what? After 2 decades of motherhood AND working part time home SHE has no home. (but it's OK, HE has a home)

In answer to your question, I love my children and I have made so many sacrifices for them, but I'm glad that I haven't made the misguided sacrifice of staying with their father as a live in maid. As he would have done what you did. He would have booted me out when he no longer needed me. I would have nothing to show for a life of motherhood and hard work. I would be a burden on them. I left in time to sort out my life.

So, how come the family home was 'your' home???? Was it not equally your wife's?

And are these 'break ups' with no break up mutual? is this where both parents are in the same emotional place? Or is one just distant and the other left wanting?

Good point posie. Thank you for keeping it objective.

I think that in some situations (and I re-iterate that this is not the case for everyone) what you have said will be true. But every relationship and family is different as we all are as individuals. If one person feels that they cannot or should not stay for the reasons you've given, they are well within their rights to do so and may still provide great parenting to their children. But this is not the case for everyone.

Some people believe that they would be incapable of living a fulfilling life outside of a family environment. It's their core belief. It's not for anyone to question. My point is that when a person finds themselves in that situation, they need not necessarily live an unhappy life.

At no time have I tried to put an argument forward for parents to stay. I'm merely saying that for parents who really do want to stay but wonder if they can ever be happy, there are ways of finding happiness even in a marriage which is unfulfilling.

As far as a career is concerned. I did not pursue a career anywhere near as passionately as I could have because I could provide better care for my children by putting more time into them. My wife was not a career-minded person.

I don't believe I lived a lie. I simply made adjustments to my life to make my marriage work as best I could. Which, by the way, was still better than a lot of so-called 'happy' marriages.

so just to clarify steve, when you split up, the family home that you'd all been living in, that was 'your' home?

Is that right?

I thought you'd gone for good but apparently not

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day whose parents split up when she was a similar age to your children when you bogged off. She said how much better it would have been for them to have split up when her and her siblings were much younger. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, spammer boy

So how's your wife steve? did she get some of the equity from the sale of the family home?

I don't understand why this person has posted. Normally people post to ask opinions, to vent, to ask for support - this sounds like the OP is posting to say how marvellous he is.

So how's your wife steve? did she get some of the equity from the sale of the family home?

???????????????????????????????

There's no point in anyone speculating about why my marriage was a bad one. Can we please just not make this personal? I'm saying this is my point of view based on my own experience. That doesn't mean you have a right to know the intricasies of the marriage. I really don't understand why you guys can't keep it objective and discuss the principles without being personal or without trying to 'guess' what my own marriage was like. Stick to the subject and discuss it for its own merits. It's not hard.

If you want your children's respect, value their mother's role and their mother's sacrifices. Why is it fair that the family home is sold from under her? Did you give your wife half of the equity?

Your comment about 'letting' her stay in the family home is deeply disturbing.

I have some questions/topics:

Outside view(did your friends know)
Do you now have another partner?
Does your wife?
Was there ever affection?
Were you friends?
Was this all a marriage that you both knew when the children left you would?
was there ever anyone else during the marriage?
Besides yourself and your children being blissfully happy with this arrangement, was this really okay for your wife and do you feel you have done her a disservice? Women find it harder to find a new partner after chidlren have left and many grow old alone.

Only bringing it back to you because you did.