Staying for the children's sake

[thehappyparent]

There are many valid reasons why some parents have no option but to leave the family home. But for those who are simply unhappy with their marriage, leaving may not be necessary in order for them to find happiness. Indeed, leaving is not even a guarantee of finding happiness.

Being a parent has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. I cannot imagine any other experience bringing me more happiness.

Having decided to stay in my bad marriage in order to provide my children with the best upbringing I could provide them with, I found that my happiness in life came from seeing them grow into two wonderful, well-adjusted adults.

Staying may not be the right solution for everyone, but it can be for many who feel 'stuck' in their unhappy marriage.

If you can love your child more than you love yourself you can find fulfilment that only comes from being a parent. That's not to say that only those parents who stay are good or loving parents. Or that those who leave are unloving or bad parents. I'm not saying that at all.

What I am saying is that in many cases, staying in the family home really can work for both parents and the children. And that true happiness can still be found, regardless of the marriage not being perfect or very fulfilling.

My children are both glad that I stayed.

So am I.

Hmm, I withdraw my friendly advice to post elsewhere on the boards then, because thinking about it, I imagine you already do. In quite an extended way, now I come to think about it...

A child will grow up thinking that the 2 adults who are in a relationship as their parents not having any sort of normal daily physical contact is right, normal and ok.

So when your child comes home and says she/he has a problem with their partner as they have said they find them unnaturally cold and unloving and unattached I would take a long look in the mirror.

I work in adolescent mental health and you are spouting such a pile of shit it is untrue - it is incredible what children pick up from their nearest and dearest without realising - behaviour is learnt without you or them actually realising that it is happening. They will act out in their future relationships the everyday normal bahviour what was exhibited by their parents and if there was no physical intimacy between them then that is how they will act in a relationship.

Actually if their only knowledge of how a relationship and love and intimacy works is that between a parent and a child they are now set up for some very very weird encounters aren't they?

you have your own agenda, steve. It's not an 'important point'. it's your need to feel good about wasting a decade of your wife's life (and your own I suppose).

If your wife disagreed with you, did you think she was 'bigoted' and oppressive'???

You're the one who's dogmatic. I don't start a thread every fortnight to reinforce the way I did things as the only way, the best way.

You need help Steve. You obviously have a desperate need to believe that you have it all figured out. Well, believe it, but don't expect the rest of the World to agree with you. We don't. Why would we?

Your agenda is very clear here. And actually, to be fair to you, I think your need to flog your book is secondary to your need to make the rest of the World SEE that steveHappyParent has it ALL figured out.... and the rest of us could learn from you!

And learn what precisely!!! For all your talk, you bailed out when your children were teenagers!!!

You'd be funny if your forcefield of denial wasn't so intact.

good point PosieParker, I'm so glad my children haven't seen two adults being lonely under the same roof in a dysfunctional 'marriage'. Their only knowledge of marriage is from their grandparents who love each other.

I always end up reading things on Steve's wee threads which make me relieved that I left before the children could remember the family of four.

If a parent stays at home and so their self worth/esteem/life is home, family and children I cannot see how staying in an unhappy marriage would do anything but kill off any self worth. Imagine staying at home, giving up the richness of a good career to then find yourself unhappy in your only role? OP I assume you and your wife both worked throughout?

"Actually if their only knowledge of how a relationship and love and intimacy works is that between a parent and a child they are now set up for some very very weird encounters aren't they? "

Good point. Especially if their dad has a thing about sisterwives...

Thanks PP, I want my children to believe that changing their lives, improving their lives, is something that is in their hands, not something that just has to be 'sucked up'. 40 years ago so many people thought that they made their bed and they had to lie in it... terribly sad.

why are you thanking me?[stupid emoticon]

I reported him BOF. I already thought he was obsessed with presenting his own agenda as truth, but when he called you bigoted and oppressive because you (amongst others) challenged him, then I thought, ok buster,..... rein in the sanctimony por favor.

I think MN should keep an eye on him. We're all entitled to our opinions but the way he presents his opinion as some sort of eureka moment, or gospel, that is quite disturbing..

PP, just the typed version of nodding in agreement really!

I think he is well known to us all. Being a creative type and everything...

OP, you are a nobber

just like the last time(s) you posted about this exact same subject

why do we never see you post about anything else

do you have no other opinions ?

can we not tempt you ?

Breast vs bottle ? SAHM vs WOHM ? Cunnilingus vs oral ?

No ?

Pity, that

Ah....I'm on my fourth day of dcs off school....not only was there snow but there has been a gas explosion near the garage where they are, not, fixing my car and the car rental place where I am unable to get my free hire car! So i am housebound!

NOT AGAIN

Steve - go see your GP. YOu are coming across a bit manic at the moment IYKWIM.

Cat- have emailed you btw...

And I you..

Anyfucker. would you really even be interested in anything else i had to say? Everything I've written on here has been dismissed out of hand without any really consideration to any credibility which may be apparent in my beliefs.

Once again, I wanted to open a discussion on a specific subject - not on me. Not once have I speculated about anyone else's relationship or experience, yet it seems that that is all you wish to do. Not for one minute have I suggested that there is no other alternative to staying yet my argument for staying has not even been worthy of consideration.

Yes, I stayed. Yes, I believe I did the right thing. No, I am not saying that everyone should - merely that there are circumstances where it can work for some people - parents and children. Seems that most people on this thread simply 'know' that it is the wrong thing to do.

Wow! And you say I'm the one who doesn't want to accept other people's point of view?

christ, you are boring (and completely humourless...is that possible ?)

< rubs eyes >

I dunno why your wife didn't get out a long time before you decided it was the right time to leave her...

she was probably asleep for most of your marriage

yeah, go see your gp steve

Did your wife stay at home? OP

"Yes, I stayed. Yes, I believe I did the right thing."

Right, big deal. I left and I know I did the right thing. But I don't start a thread about it every half hour.

Oh, and by the way, for 3 long years that felt like 8 years, I did actually try to do what you're suggesting. I tried to focus on the good things outside of relationship but it doesn't work long term. You grow increasingly disconnected from other normal happy people with healthy marriages because your life is so different to theirs, and they don't guess, because on the surface you're married.

So buddy I know firsthand how futile and damaging what you're suggesting is because I have to my shame tried it. It was a miserable way to live, something only somebody with no confidence or hope or optimism or energy or zest for life would ever plan to endure long term.

And for your plan to For work even on low-level discontentment apathetic but functioning kind of way - requires both parents to have exactly the same level of apathy (but not antipathy) about each other.

Stay at home? What do you mean?

Did she have her own money steve?