The Golden Rules of Parenting

[JustineMumsnet]

What would yours be? (We are just mulling this in the office) Mine would be not to say: No, NO NOO, oh alright then...

interesting first post coralnet

fwiw - many people work flexibly or shifts to be with their children, and pay the bills. I find it highly irritating that some people assume that children can only be looked after by their mother, and that fathers are incapable of taking them to school or putting them to bed. Most parents at DS's school have one doing the pick up and the other doing the drop off on some days, so that both can work full/part time. Other children happily go to after school club, or attend other forms of child care after school or in the holidays.

Very impressive that you've managed to gain 2 doctorates and still be there 24/7 for your children.

I have a friend whose (single) mother worked 3 jobs. My friend was cared for by childminders.

Did she ever feel neglected or hard done by? No.

She was enormously proud of her mother, who left a violent marriage and knew that she was loved and cared for every moment.

Her mother died when she was a teenager. She had a very hard time after that but what kept her going was her memories of her mother. It didn't matter that her mother was out of the house all day every day. Her daughter was proud of what she had done and her legacy as a parent has lived on in the way her daughter lived her life.

If someone wants to be a SAHM that that is great. If they work full or part time then that is great too. WHat works for them.

If a child feels neglected it has very little to do with a parent working or not and more to do with their parenting style.

When I was a child most mothers worked full time. As adults their children don't regret their decisions or feel they were neglected in any way.

realise you are bloody lucky to have children and cherish as many moments as you can.

Create lots of happy memories.

I want you to be my new best friend LeQueen - that list just about sums it up

Just read all of this, most of it was amusing and insightful.

I will ignore the working comments.

Re the crying. I am not sure where I stand on this. DD (at the time 18 months) saw me sobbing when my grandma had just died. She had come to the hospital with me to say goodbye but I was 5 minutes too late.

At 23 months now she still talks about it, it doesnt upset her but she will ocassionally say to me "grandma ok mummy" just out of the blue.

Whilst I didnt intend to break down in front of her, I am not sure it has harmed her. She has remembered it but doesnt appear distressed by it. Who knows. I dont mind her seeing my emotions, as long as she knows that I dont cry all the time and that it will all be ok (usually) in the end.

If they're not crying don't touch them!

It terrified me to see adults cry when I was a DC, but I think that death is an exception pamelat because you can explain that one quite easily. It is more letting the DC have the power to reduce you to tears that is a bad thing-very frightening for a DC. Anyone who cries because their 3 yr old says 'I hate you mummy' is plain wet!

Just wanted to add, that I saw my mum cry on occasion and it didn't affect me, if I cry infront of dd (2yrs) she gets me a tissue, gives me a hug and tells me daddy will be home later.

On the other hand, my dad didn't cry and when I saw him crying when his dad died it terrified me.

Remember in times of stress, that you're the adult and they're the child.

Le Queen

I think avoiding crying if you possibly can is a must. I still feel weirdly out of kilter if my mum cries now and I'm 44.

I have cried though only once and it is something I am going to do my level best to avoid in future. Obviously if you are grief-stricken it's more difficult but crying because your husband's delayed/you've burned the tea/all the whites have turned pink is the stuff of nightmares for children IMO

Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
When you fuck up, apologise.
Make sure there is a lot of laughter.
Practise random acts of kindness.
Don't spoil them.
Don't let them disrespect you.
Don't have ridiculous expectations
be aware of your family scripts and mitigate where necessary
Have many discos
and do many fun things
do not be too nuclear as a family
give them a sense of context/hinterland
don't forget how few days they have been around
Love them madly
Um, am very hungover. Will stop.

ICoralnet? You have two doctorates? hmmm, well yes, it is possible to get those without that much work - you can buy them off 'tinternet. Just look how a certain dieting dictator has had to change her name!

I've just broken another one of my parenting rules: -

Never be drawn into an argument by a teenager or someone acting as such.

If at all possible, try and give them the gift of an adult confidante as they get older - someone who is at least neutral if not on their side so that they have an alternative POV

le queen - great post btw!! made me all emotional - tis me hormones i tell ya!

ensure your daughters feel they can talk to you about contraception and sexual health (although NOT about their DPs sexual appetites - cue me getting all hot and flustered when talking to DD the other day - fingers in ears la la la la!)

Yes to the crying thing, I've only seen my father cry twice - death of father and illness of sister. These times are fine and laudable. But not at any other time.

Although I don't mind knowing my mother cried a few times when her four children were too much. She's one good, strict parent and her children love her for a few moments of humanity.

i don't know, i think its ok to cry in front of our children - they cry at the drop of a hat ! Seriously, by bottling things up etc, surely that is telling them that its NOT ok to cry, when actually a bloody good cry is cathartic!

Yes a bloody good cry is cathartic. They learn that from you not giving them a hard time when they do it.

But crying in front of your children is wrong. Because it's such a futile thing to do that it means you have no solution to something and it's upset you so much that you can do nothing but blub. That's a horrifying concept to a child. And rightly so

I often cry in front of the DCs and tell them why (usually because I am happy - pregnant hormones alert!)

When a friend died recently I cried infront of them and inretrospect think it was good as 'keeping it in' no good when grieving imo. so I have no problem letting them know that when people die it is sad and it's OK to get upset.