The Golden Rules of Parenting

[JustineMumsnet]

What would yours be? (We are just mulling this in the office) Mine would be not to say: No, NO NOO, oh alright then...

LeQueen, your take on crying in front of the DCs is exactly what I feel.

Ditto the fighting of every battle -- you will pay now or you will pay later, and if you pay later so will the DCs.

I would also like to add that they should understand the difference between their stuff and mum's stuff. Nobody in my house touches my makeup or jewellery. But they are allowed to wear my shoes.

This is from that comedian who used to write the column at the back of the Sunday Times Style magazine. Captures it all for me:

1 Stick to the schedule. Children are cheeky mavericks, but also fierce reactionaries who expect their lunch at 12.30. Do lights out at 8. If a child is crying, it?s generally because they?re hungry, tired or trying to get a sweet.
2 Never bribe. If you say, ?Come to the park, I?ll get you a lolly,? you?re implying the only good thing about the park is the lolly. Do things for their intrinsic pleasure: your kids will excel at the important job of being children.
3 Don?t serve snacks. At meals, give the boring stuff first. Give a sprig of broccoli. Tell them to put butter on it. Tell them they?re dinosaurs who can chomp the little tree. Never say: ?Eat that, and you can have pudding.? There?s no child on earth who?ll eat a carrot once they?re thinking about ice cream.
4 Turn off the TV. Smash all toys that beep. Beware grannies with plastic objects.
5 Don?t plan too much ? eke out what you?re doing. If you see a dandelion, blow it. If you see a drain, inspect it for rats or lurking witches. The slower it takes to arrive, the more you?ll see on the way.
6 When they?re upset, show you understand, then distract. Grab their attention by saying: ?Have I ever told you about the time Grandad?s teeth fell down the toilet? I?ll draw a diagram.?
7 If you give a command, it must be obeyed. So don?t give too many.
8 Don?t pay too much attention when they?re crying or you?re encouraging them to cry. Pay attention when they?re playing well. Don?t just praise, participate. Don?t make suggestions. Assume they?ve ideas of their own. Say ?yes? to all of them, unless they involve biscuits. Soon you?ll be crouching in a tent made of towels, serving tea for their bears. This is time well spent.
9 That said, leave them alone often, or they?ll depend on you for entertainment. It should be the other way round. Your kids won?t be young for long. Enjoy and admire them ? they have much to teach you.
10 Don?t invite company. Kids are like farts. Yours are surprisingly lovely. When other people?s appear, it?s best to leave the room.

Let them learn to fight their own battles and turn their little questions around so they have to think of an answer themselves e.g.

"Mum, where's my football kit."
"Where is your football kit?"
"Is it in my drawer."
"Is it in your drawer?"
"I'll go and look in my drawer."
"Excellet idea."
"Found it."
"Well done!"

DwayneDibbley Your right apologise when you are wrong. This allowed my nephew when he was 10 yrs old to tell me off, when I was driving in the mountains in Canada, that the speed limit was in Kilometers and the speed gauge in the people carrier was in miles! I thought I was going too slow and speed and brakes screaming around the turns. My Mother nearly lost 2 daughters, 1 son and 2 grand children Adults aren't always right and can remind you of something without being shot down!

with your first dc you want them to do everthing quickly.By the time you get to your 3rd of 4th you are much more relaxed.The result chilled out little people.

I agree all out sobbing may not be good for your children to see but for heavens sake, if something is sad, ITS OK TO BE SAD!!!!!! why shouldn't they see me shed the odd tear?
I want my children to FEEL their emotions, not scrunch them down til they explode. I think acknowledging your own sadness lets them know they can show sadness too.

Certainly doesn't mean I am not strong and in control. My children know that. You can shed a tear and still be strong y'know.

Purpleduck I agree it's okay to see parents cry. It touched me when I saw my Dad crying that his Mother was ill and he couldn't be with her. That my Mum cried when her father Died and I could comfort her (I was 7 yrs) That my Mum cried when my Dad lost his business! I knew not to ask for the same things as the year before. Now my son will see us both out of control at times because that is life and expressing emotion is very good for you if it doesn't explode! But hopeful will know not to be violent. But at time violence is a part of life too!

Yes! When my marriage broke down, and our family just wasn't the same anymore, we were all sad.
I think if you pretend to not be, then your kids either think that
a)you are some kind of emotionless freak, or

b) be confused because YOU (the parent) don't seem to be sad, yet they ARE sad...iykwim

Violence is never part of life! Something has gone badly wrong if you allow it to be.
DCs should be kept out of adult things-it isn't accpetable to place your problems on a DC.
Some crying is OK, e.g. mine laugh when I cry over a sad film, but some isn't and you should do it in private. I was widowed young and I must have cried bucketloads, but not in front of my DS.(now that he is older he understands how hard it was-he didn't need to know at 3 yrs old)
A golden rule is -remember who is the adult in the relationship.

Sleep is important; bedtime is always the same

I say no only when it actually needs to be no. That way, they listen. The rare occasions I shout the word, they freeze (useful when you're parking the buggy and the toddler has made it to the active swings and is about to get brained. Yes, I am a useless parent). Subset of this rule is that once I say no, I do not say yes after nagging or tears. This rewards nagging and tears. Reasoned and polite query/argument, and I do change my mind sometimes - negotiating skills are good to teach, whiny entitlement, not so much.

If I wouldn't speak to an adult with Alzheimers that way, then I don't to a child, either. You can keep a child safe, and correct discourtesy to others, without speaking to them like you scraped them off your shoe, and how else will they learn how to treat other people? They're small and often unreasonable, sure, but the venom and nastiness I see aimed at really very small children can take my breath away. Friends who teach say this escalates in their teens - random strangers are vile to them for no reason at all.

Also second the sleep (essential for my sanity and their development - bed is not negotiable unless a special event/visitor is in the equation) and the not allowing them to make other people suffer points. If they kick off in a resturant, I remove them till they calm down. I try to make sure my kids learn respect for others by modelling it - which also means not letting them ruin other people's days/meals/outfits.

Not really on topic, but I hate it when people think the world should revolve around their kids. There are parents in the USA huffing about Glee being unsuitable for their 8 year olds. Makes me wonder if their tvs come equipped with a remote control/off button. Adults have a right to a life, too, especially unrelated ones!

"But hopeful will know not to be violent. But at time violence is a part of life too!"

Not in our house it isn't.

I totally agree with the no is no rule perfectstorm. Its difficult to carry through sometimes but they do eventually learn that shouting or whining won't change your mind but a sensible discussion on the subject might lead to some kind of compromise. Don't give in to bad behaviour is a good general rule. We've had to leave a few cafes and restaurants over the years but think it's paid off now and they're well behaved when we go out.

oh yeah, my goldern rule.... we are all responsible for our own behaviour. So, someone can't make you hit/shout/whatever.

My kids are older though :)

Don't have a favourite - treat them all equally

Different is fine, unequal is not

Sa NO and mean it!

..oh and don't type cast them. Our mother typecast us all into: the pretty one, the brainy one, the sporty one etc etc and it still haunts us in adulthood

never ever ever make a threat or promise that you cannot see through

I have been challenged by some of these. Think I too often feel too weary and worn down to attempt a small battle - will think of the long term benefits rather than short term effort (and go to bed earlier rather than MNing...)

LeQueen, piscesmoon, thesecondcoming - lots of words of wisdom, love it.

"remember who is the adult" - so true. DH will lie in bed of a morning, saying, "Why should I get up when they're yelling and fighting?" Umm, because you're the adult and you need to restore order and model some good behaviour for them!

Patience and lots of cuddles balanced with discipline and routine. Simple? Not really but then what worthwhile job is easy. the rewards is the compliments you get about your well mannered children and your children telling you how much they love you spontaneously (and in front of their friends)