The Golden Rules of Parenting

[JustineMumsnet]

What would yours be? (We are just mulling this in the office) Mine would be not to say: No, NO NOO, oh alright then...

if the day has gone badly, you can start the day again, as many times as you need to.

One for us single mums - ASK for help, your friends are waiting.

I love these.

Bring your kids out to restaurants - yes! The more regularly they go, the better they are. And let them negotiate the order with the waiter themselves. Don't assume they will be badly behaved.

Bring them to art galleries, concert halls and museums.
Play find the dog/ horse/ pomegranate in the paintings, listen out for the oboe / cello at the concert and spot the mummified cat / flint arrow head in the museum, for eg!

Let children talk to other children, and adults, and respect their time when they are making friends - don't hurry them along, and talk to friends /strangers yourself with them around, they'll learn how to be social if they see you are.

Forget about stranger danger - strangers are the ones who will help when you need information or help. Weirdos are few and far between. Teach your kids to talk with strangers and keep their boundaries.

Always carry a few colouring pens, stickers and paper in your handbag.

When in a queue for anything, get them to look at the other people and play "try to figure them out/ people watching" - quietly of course!

Don't forget to play.

Smile at them!

and, oh yeah, teach them to swim.

Deleting said:

"Two of mine bicker and fight constantly over toys. I've realised there's no point shouting from the sidelines to play nicely and share etc etc. you have to get involved and play with them and that way you can see the problem coming and divert it before the scratching and pinching starts. Not always possible, but does work and at least a small part of the day can be fight-free."

Does this still apply when they are 12 and 14 and bickering over whose turn it is to play some alien shooting game on the playstation?? [resigned with a christmas hat]

Your children are NOT you

Every stage of childhood needs a different parenting style...and some are way harder than others

Mummy and daddy back each other up in front of the child even if they have furious disagreements in private later about how that situation should have been handled.

If you have rules, apply them consistently!

Not sure if this has been said already but

don't threaten consequences you have no intention of carrying out - 'johnny, if you don't come now, we are never doing anything fun ever again'. (Well, except as a joke, ie the aforementioned just with a )

Miggsie'Mummy and daddy back each other up in front of the child even if they have furious disagreements in private later.'
second that

whatever you do and however hard you try you will still feel guilty about something you couldn't do or didn't have time to do.
You'll never get it completely right.

Don't be too hard on yourself for that!

There ain't no rules!!

As others have said, you can't win every battle and some things are not worth arguing over. EG: DS2 2.5 throwing a fit about wearing a cardigan and socks in the house, we have no heating as British Gas are currently digging up our drive and the road for most of the day, and yes it's cold! 2 hours later he finally has socks on and we are going out!

And HAVE FUN, children are fun and you can have fun with them. If can seem an uphill struggle with them some days from the moment they are up until they go to bed, but you must inject fun, humour and sillyness into it all!

Always ask 'why is my child behaving this way' before reacting to their behaviour

The noise isn't so bad outdoors. (This applies equally to babies and 5 year olds).

At some point you will bribe your child with chocolate. don't stress about it.

I tell myself about the parenting business that it's a long game. Useful if someone's little darling is behaving beautifully and yours is having a meltdown - it might be the other way around in ten years time! Or is that shachenfreude, schachenfruede, oh that german word ??

never forget you're in charge..and even when you don't feel like you are, act like you are...they wont know the difference

Agree with many and disagree with some but for me:

1. Accept your child's personality

and

2. At the end of the day, the parents are in charge.

Eat well. Look after yourself from the inside out, you'll feel great and be in better shape for what life throws at you. Plus children pick up your eating habits. It's one of the best habits you can pass onto your children. Plan your meals (kind of) and shop at Tesco online.

Things will get messy. Don't expect the house to look how it did pre-child. Chill out.

Buy in bulk. Nappies, wipes, cotton wool etc.

Buy age appropriate toys. Stops the frustration.

Play with your child. Give them your time and love.

Make sure you lock away anything you don't want them to touch. It's not their fault if they get hold of a crayon when you are not around and draw on the wall.

Never say no if you intend to say "alright then"

just tickle them when they stress you out. the sound of children chuckling can't fail to lighten any situation

Happy Children = Easy Life.

Anyone identify with this? This is an excerpt from my book How To Be A Good Parent In A Bad Marriage.

1. You are to be the object of ridicule. This means that you are to make yourself available to be laughed at when her friends are around. She must be allowed to make fun of you. Your taste in clothes, music and hair-style are all up for grabs. Take it on the chin and smile. It?s your job as the parental object of ridicule. But she is not allowed to disrespect you. All must be done in fun.

1. You may provide sustenance at certain times. Adolescents are prone to forget to perform even the most essential tasks ? including eating. Force-feeding is out of the question but pro-active provision is allowed. At times, you may have to just leave it outside the bedroom door.

1. You are to provide money for clothing but may not attend the purchasing ritual. This is reserved for closest friends only. However, when no friends are available, you may receive an impromptu invitation. But be prepared to stay at home should a last minute phone-call mean that your place has been given to the aforementioned friend who is ??oh joy!?? suddenly free again.

1. You are to adopt a flexible attitude regarding agreements with your adolescent. The changing of her mind regarding all things is to be expected at all times. You may remind her of her constant failure to honour her agreements but don?t expect much change for a few years ? seeds lie in the ground a long time before growing and bearing fruit.
2. You are to listen to all complaints made against teachers at school while knowing that 99 times out of a hundred your child hasn?t been hard done by and is almost certainly at fault for being disciplined in school. But keep an open mind. There was more than one occasion when I had to call a teacher to account for bad behaviour towards my children. Be sure to encourage your child to live within school laws, whether she agrees with them or not. This is a lesson for life. She will have to learn to abide by laws and rules if she is to fit into society ? better that she learns that now.

1. You will be the facilitator of at least one hour of loud music being played every day. For some reason, adolescents wish to share their music with you even though it may not be to your taste. After said hour, you may enforce a 23 hour ban on loud music.

1. You shall make your mobile phone available to her for emergency texting when she has run out of credit on her phone. Usual message sent: ?run out of credit, can you call me back??

1. You will dry her tears when she has fallen out with her friends forever and a day (usually the ?forever? part gets forgotten). Actually the ?and a day? often turns into less than hour when she receives a phone call while telling you that she doesn?t know what she?d do without you, and instantly finds her tears have dried up and she would much rather make up with her friends than continue finding comfort in your arms. You?re job ? albeit a brief one ? is done.

1. You will expect no understanding or sympathy for your own loneliness. She may be aware of the pain you are experiencing as a result of your difficult situation with your partner but she feels (and rightly so) that it is not her responsibility and does not want to spend a sorrowful, energy-sapping time alone with you when she could be having a fun, life-affirming time with her friends. You will understand that this is an act of self-preservation by her and you will not resent her or blame her for it.

10. You will worry, fret and panic when she goes AWOL. She will disappear for hours without telling you where she is. She will go straight to a friend?s house from school and forget ? yes, forget to come home. She will fail to turn up for dinner when you have lovingly prepared her favourite meal, and call you to tell you she is eating out with friends when the table is already laid. You will often be found calling friends, family and the local hospital to locate her hours after she was due home, while imagining the worst-case scenario, yet hoping and believing through a tight chest and knotted stomach that she is ok. As she walks through the door in the dead of night, completely unaware of the distress she has caused you through her thoughtlessness, and as you greet her through tear-filled eyes and a heart filled with relief and anger you will stand there shaking from head to toe trying hard to scold her, finally succumbing to your desperate desire to hold her and never let her go.

If anyone would like to know more about the book you can watch my introduction video at be-a-good-parent-in-a-bad-marriage.com

I should have introduced what I wrote there. It's ten premises of the parent-adolescent relationship.

My least favourite statement in the Whole World of Mum~ism is "I am a full time worker AND a full time Mum".
NO! You either are a MUM
or you WORK FULL TIME.

It is impossible to work full time and be a Mum so for anyone who is working stop being so greedy and selfish and give ya job up!.

There HAS to be rules, just not dictatorship. And rules and reason must always be explained to the best of the child's understanding ability.

If you find you can't follow through your promise, for whatever reason/s, start to stop making promises, but keep the idea in mind for a great surprise for the children/child asap instead.
That way no-one is let down.