I need to find somewhere I can talk openly about not loving one of my children

[gah]

I am not a mumsnet poster but thought someone here might know of a forum that exists 'somewhere' for people to talk about this.

My oldest child is going to be 5 soon and I feel the time has come to try and talk about this with others but I don't feel I can do it in a 'normal' forum.

I feel so utterly utterly isolated to have such a terrible secret that cannot even be shared with my partner or closest friends.

The burden of feeling like this is imense and I need an outlet.

So pleased things have turned out well for you and your DS

I am so pleased for you.

I remember this thread.

Gah you are so brave to have done something about this. Keep it up.

I remember someone saying that even at this age skin to skin can work (keep underware on if it makes you uncomforyable at this age, though imo shouldn't)

It took me 6 months to bond with ds2 I used to stare at him with no feeliongs at all wondering if he really was my child, thought he was ugly and annoying. I rarely think about this now as I have finally grown to love him.

well done tears in my eyes.

Gah I am so, so glad to read this, to know you and your son are in a better place now and that all your care and determination have paid off. It's so great to hear that you have the relationship you both need and deserve - and also that your sons are normal, bickering siblings now.

I think you'll have helped a lot of people who lurk on MN. It takes so much courage to be open when in that position - easier by far when it's past painful history. Maternal ambivalence is so common, but nobody seems to talk about it that much. And so many mothers and children could be helped if they did, I think.

I hope things keep improving for you all, and I repeat what I said last year: your son may not have been lucky that the two of you had such a tough start to his life, but he is very lucky indeed that he had a mother courageous and self-aware enough to do something about it.

I wanted to add a few words about PND.

When I went to see the GP earlier this year, she was pretty determined that I was depressed, so determined in fact that she convinced me even though I was dubious.. yes I was 'depressed' but it seemed to me that I had good reason to be.

I took the medication for a while (can't remember now maybe 2 or 3 months) but as it made my sex drive dissapear I decided to come off it. I am lucky to have a happy and healthy sex life and seeing that go down the pan was just awful.

I think it is too easy to put a label of depression on women who have had babies - the major life shift that happens when you have a baby (particularly your first) is going to send some people into a tailspin - the sleep deprivation alone can make you feel like you are losing your marbles, but I think it is too easy to medicate.

There is a deep shift that needs to take place for a child-free woman to transform into a mother and it doesn't always seem to be the case that a switch is flicked as soon as the baby appears. For some of us it can take weeks, months or years.

If only there wasn't, on top of EVERYTHING else a need to appear to be 'coping'.

I wish I had not spent so much time looking at everyone else but looking at myself and what we needed as a family.

And I am not saying that PND does not exist it clearly does, but I think it would be healthier to look at the causes not just the symptoms.

I am so happy to read this! I have kept this on my watch list and was wondering recently how you were getting on.

I am so pleased for you, your relationship with him sounds so different to the one you had a year ago.

Im going to be all un-mumsnetty and send you a hug!!

gah - my mascara has run!

Well done that woman!

Well done gah - I feel immense pride for you.

Gah - I have also kept this on watch all this time and often thought of you.

Thank you so much for coming back to update us - I think you will give much hope and inspiration in your turn.

I admire your tenaciousness in seeking a solution and your humility to make changes in yourself. I hope I can met my parenting challenges with as much determination.

I've followed your thread from the start and I am so so so happy for you and your son. Well done!

I remembered your thread from last year - I'm so pleased that things have moved on so much.

Thank you for being brave enough to post so honestly on here, and for updating - I'm sure there will be others who benefit as a result.

Gah- I'm struggling not to cry. Didn't realize this was an old thread until I go to the "happy ending." I admire your bravery and honesty to admit your issues last year, and I'm glad things are going well for you and your son.

Gah, I remember your thread from last year, and I am so pleased that you have turned things around. You should be immensely proud of yourself. Thanks for the update

Your update made me cry.

It is lovely to see such a change in you. Well done for getting through this, and finding the strength to talk about your feelings. Reading about your son struggling to give the gift to his teacher, and his comment about being sad without you, so lovely.

gah, well done. thank god you spoke out.

What a thread. Congratulations gah, to effect such a transformation in a year is amazing work, you should be very very proud.

Your last post about PND is so right - just because we want to have children doesn't mean that the actual reality of it can't be horrendous when it actually happens.

This thread is the best of Mumsnet and shows what an amazing bunch we can all be

Tears in my eyes here too. What an amazing journey you have been on - long may it continue

Having read this for the first time, I am sobbing too - well done, I totally applaud you for having the courage to face this and come out stronger for your family.

I have had this on my watch list too. I sobbed at your first post, both for your son, but also for you. Because not only were you incredibly brave to write down the feelings and seek help, but you also sounded so desperate and sad.

Your latest post has me sat here literaly sobbing. I don't know you, I know nothing about you except what you have written here but I am so amazingly happy for you, your DS1 and your family.

You are an inspiration, and if you have only helped one other person by putting your feelings into words and your words into action, then you can be incredibly proud of yourself all over again. Though in realisty I think you would have helped more than just one person.

Good luck to you and thank you so much for updating us all.

In an earlier post you said your son was articulate, clever and charming. I can see where he gets it from. It would seem he also has your heart, determination and courage. With you by his side the world is truly his oyster. Well done.
Dont feel guilty about the past. Bad things happen to good people. Being an example of how to deal with these things and how to get through them is one of the most valuable lessons we can give our children. He may have vague memories of when things werent so rosy between you but that will not put a dent into how he feels about you now.
I wish you both and the rest of your family a wonderful future - you have definately earned it. x

Tears here too.

Well done Gah - you have been incredibly brave and I am so pleased for you and your family.

This thread is also a testament to how wonderful and supportive mn is

Quite possibly the best thread I've ever read on mumsnet.