I need to find somewhere I can talk openly about not loving one of my children

[gah]

I am not a mumsnet poster but thought someone here might know of a forum that exists 'somewhere' for people to talk about this.

My oldest child is going to be 5 soon and I feel the time has come to try and talk about this with others but I don't feel I can do it in a 'normal' forum.

I feel so utterly utterly isolated to have such a terrible secret that cannot even be shared with my partner or closest friends.

The burden of feeling like this is imense and I need an outlet.

Gah, soooooo pleased to hear your family is on the healing path.

sending much love

x

Gah I have been thinking about you so Im so pleased to hear from you.
Contacting the author of the book (sorry forgotten her name) sounds like a very sensible (and brave) thing to do. Good clear thinking!
Don't feel bad about not having done this until ds is 5. Far better now than when he is 7 or 9 or not at all.
Good luck and keep us posted,

Just read this thread, and wanted to add my support, and express admiration to you, gah. Many other people in your situation but not yet "out" will also be helped by your courage in starting this thread, and in working to get help. Kudos for directly emailing Rozsika!

Gah, I have been reading your thread but have not posted. However I can relate to so much of what you say, and my DD is now 6 so I am in the 'years' category too.

I have also got and read the book by Rozsiak Parker and like you after I read it I wanted to contact her but after many searches I simply could not find any contact details for her. I would be so grateful if you could point me in the right direction towards finding her email address. Or perhaps put it on this thread if you feel ok about doing that? (hope she doesn't mind if you do post it on here).

gah,

well done for addressing this. If my Mum had done so more than 30 years ago, I would've had a different life. I am absolutely delighted for you that things seem to be heading in the right direction

Gah,
your posts have move me so much. I know how you feel I have a 6 year old DD who I feel as if I don't love. I didn't have a traumatic birth like you did.I had a normal birth and found breastfeeding easy.
I feel so guilty about the way I feel about DD She is hard work. She very intelligent, demanding and emotional. I feel she loves everyone else but me.
I have a 20 month old DS who is the light of my life and after he was born I felt a rush of love for him,which I never felt for DD. Deep down I think I love her but I do not know how to show it.
I just wish I knew how to express my love for her. I have no idea why we have not bonded.I just feel so bad about it.
I do wonder if any of if is related to my childhood where I experienced a lot of bullying at school from 7 to 16. I was also sexually abused my a family'friend'although it was nothing more that touching its scars still run deep.
I am sorry I have waffled on so much its just the first time I have ever spoken about any of this.

wantostartafresh, have a look here, although I'm not sure if it is up to date

DA, thank you for that link, have mailed her, hope she replies.

Gah, just came on and read this thread today, and to see the change in your posts is incredible.

You have had so much thrown at you (in terms of difficult pregnancy, PND, difficulty accepting 'medical' treatment etc etc etc), and you are still fighting and determined to find a solution. I don't doubt for a moment that you will come through this and every aspect of life will be good again for you and your family.

I have just read this whole thread. Gah I have to say what a brave person I think you are and how heartrending your posts and story are, and how delighted I am that you have found some solace, comfort but more importantly some constructive advice on Mumsnet.

I think your son is lucky to have you - think how many women would not have reached out like you have, and the status quo would have endured, to everyone's detriment. Your unique boy might have not had the caring, persistent mother he has that knew something was wrong but did not have the courage to try to fix it.

Well done you, WIshing you, your son, and your whole family all the luck for the future and a wonderful Christmas.

Bloss

xxx

I feel a bit self indulgent updating this as I am sure nobody is interested (!) but I feel a bit of a responsiblity as this place gave me the impetus to get help.

I went to see Rozsika and she was quite frankly incredible. She gave up her a chunk of her afternoon to listen and talk (but mostly listen) with many many tissues being used.

Since then some of the things I came away with have helped enormously on a day-to-day basis in my relationship with my son.

She put me in touch with someone more local who would understand the issues and we had our initial meeting quite recently. It did feel odd signing up for therapy, but it also felt damn good.

I have seen REAL changes in my son who is obviously trying as hard as me in his own way to try and heal 'us'.

I no longer feel hateful towards him. I still have so far to go, but I must also say I have made a huge leap from where I started.

I guess that is it for now. Maybe I will report back after I have bared my soul to the therapist for a while......?

best wishes to all, and to anyone who might read any of these posts and feel a flicker of recognition in themselves - talk to someone. The feelings of isolation and guilt are actually much worse than anything that lays beneath.....I only wish I had faced up to this properly years ago.

What an incrdible story. I am full of admiration for you Gah an for all the women who have contributed to this thread.

Good luck. It is clear to see how much you love your son and I am sure you are on the path to finding the way to express that love.

Gah, I read your story, but didn't feel I had anything valuable to add. I'm so pleased you've posted an update - and such a positive one. I think you are an incredible woman and your DS is lucky to have a mum who cares so much. Good luck to you both!

Gah, I have been very moved by reading your posts and I just want to say that you are a brave and inspirational woman. The things that have been done to you, and the poor care that you have had are a tragedy, but you are on the road to overcoming it all. I take my hat off to you and wish you and your family a happy future.

Gah - thank you for updating. I had this thread on my watch list hoping you would let us know how you got on.
I had great trouble bonding with one of my DC and I had therapy (when she was under 1 year old) which helped enormously. I think if I hadn't had somewhere safe to talk about it we woud still be in trouble. It was incredibly distressing for me, but I am proud of myself for sorting it out for both of us. I hope others who may be feeling as I did read your inspirational story and seek help.

I haven't posted before but just had to say I have been in tears, like many others, whilst reading this. I am truely moved by your experience, please update if you feel able to as it is just fantastic to hear how far you have come.

I havent posted before either but I have been looking out for an update from you.

Its great to hear you sounding so positive, you are such a brave person to be doing everything you can to open up about how you have been feeling.

Good luck and I will keep a look out for another update from you.

Thank you for posting an update. I am so happy that you have sought help and that you and your DS are looking towards a happier future.

This thread is heartbreaking. But I am so glad you have asked for and got the support you need. Another poster says that maybe you do love your son. You are certainly doing the right thing by him. You are clearly committed to changing your lives for the better. You clearly want to love him. I hope this gives you hope and helps you feel better in yourself. You so clearly have a strong desire for some love to grow. Which it can of course. No reason on earth why a deep and lasting love for him can't grow. Rocky starts can alter forever.

I believe you when you say he's a nightmare. Who wouldn't be, if raised by someone who hates them, and completely powerless to do anything about that. He must feel as trapped and terrified and enraged as you. That's something you have in common. I'm not being glib about that - you're both in the same hellish situation. you might find empathy in it. Difference is, he can't get help. he needs you to do that.

Can you spend time alone with him? It might not be easy but if you act as if you love or at least like or want to do something special with him and for him, things might change. Acting 'as if' you love can be a fantastically powerful tool to make love grow. And being alone with him will create a bond. Shared experiences.

He's not your brother. He can't wreck your life if you don't let him. He can't ultimately control and bully you however much it feels as though you're imprisoned by him. You're in charge. Every step you're making at the moment is geared towards making things better with him. It's not your fault you feel this way. It's not his either. But you can have a wholly 100% positive outcome on this. I don't want to say how I know this online, but I do.

Gah, what an amazing story, for want of a better word. Good luck for the future. It sounds like there have been very positive changes already. Will be looking out for an update in the future.

I felt an urge to come and update this and how uncanny that it is almost EXACTLY a year since my initial post.

I have had my final (for the moment....) therapy session :-)

In all I had 9 sessions. It reached a point where I said, there is still a lot to be done but I have been given the tools now to continue on my own.

The first major milestone came in June.

I was picking him up from a school trip and all the children were in a gift shop. They each had £2 to spend and S (my son) bought something which he said he wanted to give to his teacher, but then as he went to give it to her his eyes welled up with tears, and he was distressed. He wanted to give it to her but he also wanted to keep it. He was torn.

I looked at him and was overwhelmed by a feeling.. what was this strange, alien feeling? It was compassion, and tears rolled down my face. It was the first tiny seed of love.

I remember that day with as much happiness as my wedding day. It was the first time I had a spontaneous positive feeling.

Now there are things I still struggle with (of course) but ultimately I genuinely CARE about him. I am proud of him, and the change in him has been marked. He is kind(er) to his brother, he is amazingly affectionate towards me. I feel like he senses the work that has been done and is saying "I am right with you"

I was recently going away for a few days, I asked him if he was ok because he looked a bit down - he said "any day without you in it mummy is a sad day".

I feel all the things that means you are a parent - feeling the joy at their joy, the pain at their pain etc.

I have moments where I feel guilty for the past but I try not to dwell, as it is destructive.

In the past EVERYTHING was acted and forced. Terribly stressfull. I had to TRY so hard to TRY and be fair between the boys, but now I am even handed naturally.

A lot of the early years still feels like a blur but I read through all my posts here and I feel so sorry for that person that wrote them. Which is amazing because I gladly do not recognise those feelings anymore. A lot can change in a year and I still peg it all down to Rozsika Parker. Reading her book was the doorway but NONE of it would have happened without the support I had here. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops !!!

Thank you so much mumsnet, you changed my life and more importantly you gave a loving mother to a gorgeous gorgeous little boy.

I remember your posts and had just taken this off my watch list. Thank you so much for posting an update and I am so glad to hear things are getting better.

You are a very brave lady.

You have me crying like a loon here.. I remember your thread and when I saw it I immediately felt compelled to see if you were both ok.

Words can not describe how happy I feel for you today.

He's a lucky little boy to have a mummy like you.

Wow, This thread just made me cry.

You should be so proud of yourself, and of your whole family. Well done, and I hope it keeps getting better and better. :)