I need to find somewhere I can talk openly about not loving one of my children

[gah]

I am not a mumsnet poster but thought someone here might know of a forum that exists 'somewhere' for people to talk about this.

My oldest child is going to be 5 soon and I feel the time has come to try and talk about this with others but I don't feel I can do it in a 'normal' forum.

I feel so utterly utterly isolated to have such a terrible secret that cannot even be shared with my partner or closest friends.

The burden of feeling like this is imense and I need an outlet.

Gah, your post has made me cry. i feel so terribly sorry for you and your son. I don't have any professional advice, but would imagine printing out your last post and taking it with you to the psychotherapist. would be a start. FWIW, my feelings when I had my DD were totally differnt to when I had my DS ( I had PND with DS, which I opted to ignore foolishly) and i think it's a feeling that many people have, although as other posters have said, it is one of the last taboos, esp for women. Good luck to you all.

Gah I too am in tears at this thread, mainly at your courageousness but also because this is what makes MN so fantastic, IMO

The support and advice you have been given on this thread leaves me lost for words. The posts from PerfectStorm and others are just spot-on and I have nothing as wise to add But hope you can accept my best wishes in taking this thing forward. You are one strong lady

I'm still watching this thread, and have too been moved to tears, both for you Gah and your little boy. I really hope you get in touch with the therapists recommended here. Even with a Masters in Psych I won't even try and psycho analyse this problem, though I think even you can see clearly the precipitating factors involved that have predisposed you to feel this way. What matters is that someone gives you the mechanisms to deal with this.

While this situation is absolutely not your fault, you are the one who will ultimately have to take responsibility, which will be hard no doubt. You have to take the action and put in the work to give your child the start in life he deserves, and I'm sure you will do it, because though you are find it hard to love him, you clearly care about your son.

Continue being honest with your husband, you are going to need his support, show him this thread if necessary. We are here for you, no judgement.

Wondering how you're getting on gah.

Could have posted exactly that notnowbernard Gah, please use this forum to offload. It's so good that you are expressing how you feel. Even though you are anonymous it takes real bravery to post those words and I can imagine how hard it must have been for you.
I struggled to love ds at times. He was a very difficult baby and cried non-stop and hardly slept. We suspect he had colic. We took him to a cranial osteopath but they couldn't help. My relationship with dh suffered a lot as I felt like a zombie and seemed incapable of showing or feeling any emotion. I think sleep deprivation alone can affect bonding, but you have had so much more to contend with. He is now 5 (the same age as your ds) and can also be demanding and irritating (par for the course with 5yr old boys!)but I love him. With the right help ( I agree with Perfectstorm - therapist should have expertise in this area)there is a good chance that you can grow to love your ds. I wish you lots of luck and strength in that journey

Just wanted to say am so grateful for all the advice you have received on this thread.

Please do seek professional help. You have come out now and that was no easy thing to do. Am sure things can only improve now.

Your son is certainly just as helpless as you are. He takes his cues from you and if you take steps to mend this relationship, he too will mimc your response.

All the best

Gah, my friend had difficulty bonding with one of her boys. Aside from a terrible pregnancy the boy looks like her mother in law...whom she has a dreadful relationship with.

She said one day "every time I look at him I see HER and I go mad".

You are not alone.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

I have name cahnged for obvious reasons.

GAH you are not alone. What you are saying about your feelings is really resonating with me.

DD was adopted after having our own children. I loved her so totally when she arrived with us, but 8 years later things are so different. I know that ours is more to do with the adoption baggage, but I feel as if I have let her down so badly.

I went to a fantastic therapist for many months, until she left on maternity leave and I could not face seeing a different person. The therapy was good and made me realise why things were turning out the way they have. DD is now 12 and I worry constantly about her becoming a teenager and feeling so unloved.

Thank you for starting this thread, it has made me think again.

I am still here!

I had forgotten that we tried a cranial osteopath too... just one of the many things we tried (and failed) to bring some contendedness to our child.

Just wanted to let you all know that the ball has started rolling.

I contacted OXPIP and the Anna Freud Centre * thanks to those that posted* the Anna Freud centre said they couldn't help as I was out of area but oxpip are going to put me in touch with one of their counsellors. Don't know what will come of that.

Went to see a GP today. I had such a rage at my son yesterday that I felt I had to do 'something'. I was also feeling, not suicidal, but certainly that he would be better off without me around.

The GP was very sympathetic, surprisingly so actually, and was very confident that I was in the midst of a "moderate to severe" depression. I just don't understand PND going on for years and years but she assured me that it does happen. She said we need to separate out the two issues. Deal with the physical depression (she has prescribed some anti-depressants) and deal with the other issues as well - she is going to do some research to see who can help but she was quite clear that the depression (and associated problems such as sleep issues) WILL be improved with medication and that in itself will help with the mood of the household.

I asked her if she has come across this before and she said that she had but that it was always linked in with PND.

It makes me wonder which is the cause and which is the symptom, but the state I am in, it is impossible to prise them apart.

I am so very lucky to have a supportive and loving partner, most marriages would seriously have flailed under the strains we have had.

I was talking to him today about the whole PND thing as I didn't go to the GP until 18months after number one was born. I said I wish I had seen it sooner and maybe we could have nipped things in the bud - he said it was quite clear to him - why the hell didn't he tell me to ask for help?

I am so NOT into medical intervention (2 homebirths vouch for that....!) and I do feel like a failure for agreeing to take medication but tbh I need to put my own feelings aside and do what is best for my son. She seemed so clear that it would help - I really hope so.

The kindness I have received here has been astonishing. I would expect to be verbally stoned for saying what I did.. instead the accpeptance I was given helped me to make real life moves to improve my sons future. Thank you.

I don't think you are alone at all.
I am a bit different from you, becasue I love ds1 alot. But I also dislike him. But dh and both wish we had never had children.

Please don't think you are alone. Mn is so very very good for these things. so incredibly supportive.
Stay with us. We are here for you.

Thankyou for the update, Gah

Glad the ball is rolling

WHat have you been prescribed? Please don't think yourself a failure. Think of the meds as another 'tool' in your armoury to battle this thing with

They might help (they might not)... but at least you can say you gave it a go. ADs work most effectively for people who experience the biological symptoms of depression - such as poor sleep, appetite, energy level, concentration, motivation etc. And some people find that they lift their mood significantly enough to be able to start looking at the core issues or causes of their depression.

I'm so glad the GP is on 'your side', as it were

gah, yor post was very difficult to read and made me upset for you and your son, I can't say I know how you feel, but I will be thinking of you both and hope you can both get some peace of mind soon, like others have said we are all here for you.

Thank you Maryz. I will look out for your thread.

GAH's posts have stirred up a lot of issues I have been struggling to cope with/hide for a long time.

If we didn't love them I don't think we'd be so bothered about how we feel, would we, or is that just me trying to make it better than it really is?

Well done Gah for taking these positive steps. It must be so difficult for you but from reading your posts you do care deeply for your ds -and I admire your courage in admitting there is a problem and taking steps to sort it out.
Wishing you the best of luck

Gah, your post is heartbreaking...

I wish you & your son the very best for a happy future relationship & I hope you get all the help you need.

(I don't know if anyone else pointed it out, but do you think your oldest son could be negative to your younger son because he is mirroring the way you speak to him?)

Thinking of you & that little boy x

Gah, i think your post is one of the bravest, most moving things i have ever, ever read. i am 100% sure you are a wonderful person and i don't, for a moment think you are a bad mother. you are looking for help now which is amazing, considering how scared you must feel. you must have done so much hating of yourself over the years that it must, on some level, feel like a relief.

i am glad someone has mentioned the Anna Freud centre- they don't cover children older than 1 year, but the Tavistock Centre (also in Hampstead) does and i believe they are world class in this area. try to get referred there.

you have had some horrible experiences and you are living the consequences of it. that and the fact you are ill- but your experiences and your illness are not you- and you can overcome them. you will do right by your ds, you may, one day, even love him.

you mention a loving, supportive husband and father. two brothers who, despite some scraps and antagonism (which is to some extent normal) can get along. you have found a supportive and competent gp. i really, really believe you can make it. with help, of course, but that's ok.

we are here for you-

Just to add that I totally agree with Perfect Storm's posts and I think you are being amazingly brave and responsible. You have had a terrible time and as a sufferer of long-term pnd (believe me when it is not treated properly it can last a very long time) I do believe your GP is right.

Also please make sure whatever therapist/counsellor you see, if you don't connect with that person ask for someone else. That is very important and makes the world of difference I promise.

I too wish I could give you and your boy a cuddle. I think you are amazing for being so strong to tackle this. Lots of luck and keep posting.

gosh, good work gah, you really sound like you're moving forward. baby steps and all that, but how wonderful to be steering things in the right direction.

Thank you so, so much for updating. I know I wasn't the only person who was thinking about you and wondering how things were. You really are being extraordinarily brave, and hopefully the fact we are all telling you so will make you start to believe it, at least a little. It's fantastic you are taking these positive steps, and I really hope the combination of meds and counselling will start to shift things.

You really aren't alone - in feeling as you do, or in dealing with it. Look after yourself, and if you want to, keep us posted on how things go. You've certainly got a lot of mothers rooting for you, in shared admmiration of your courage.

Gah you are very brave to share your feelings . Mumsnet is a very safe place for people who are REALLY in need.

On the subject of antidepressants, I have said this many times on mumsnet. Prozac saved my life. Please don't feel bad about taking meds.

My best friend felt this way about her son. She really disliked him intensely. He was always crying or scowling . She could hardly bear to look at his face.
Things have got better in the last year . He is now 6.

I wish much love for you and your family. You sound like a lovely thoughtful preson

Gah - I read your post detailing your experience and I could relate to how you are feeling, except I have gotten past the issue of not "liking" or "bonding" with my daughter...

Two years ago I have a very traumatic birth, I felt invaded, I remember closing my eyes as the mask was put on my face to go under an unplanned GA and totally believing I was going to die and not wake up. After that I spent about 12 hours with barely a glimpse of my baby. Three weeks later I was rushed into hospital seriously ill and my MIL had to come and look after my baby whilst I was in hospital, for a month.

I felt nothing for her when I got home, everyone was gooing over how beautiful she was but where I felt the invisible cord between me and my other two children, it was not there with my youngest. I was eventually diagnosed with PND after having a breakdown in the GP surgery. (Perfect place really!)

I got help in a variety of ways and now I can actually feel the love for my daughter. It fills me up so much I get overwhelmed. Children react to their parents. She was not reacting positively to me because I was not leading in a positive way - it may seem so simplistic here but actually it was quite a bit of hard work on myself - not my daughter - to get our relationship and bond on track. The upshot was that I felt completely out of control of my own body and life around my daughter's birth and I would not have gotten ill if I had not been pregnant so subconsciously I was angry at my daughter. The reality was that it was not the correct emotional response and I needed help to see that. They say that a traumatic birth can provoke this kind of response.

Perhaps it is worth actually discussing this with your HV as well as your GP - that is the avenues that I got most help from - and see what help they can offer you.

Your post was so heart-wrenching and it brought it all back to me that you need not be alone in this.

I am thinking of you.

Gah, it's wonderful to hear you have a supportive GP and not doubt as I see you acted so decisively on the advice you received here, you'll be in therapy in no time.

Please do take the meds. My mother is a long term AD user and my sister went through a long spell of use after she lost a baby to SIDS. I always vowed I would never touch it but I did. Insomnia had gotten the better of me and seriously hindered our family life.
Only for a short spell.I used it to replenish my energy levels and after a couple of months had a new fresh take on things.

It will help you get the therapy kick started with a more positive outlook.

take care and remember we are watching your back. so do not hesitate to come back and vent when things don't progress as quickly as you'd like. I found mumsnet is always a fantastic support in the long run. nobody here will forget your posts.

x

fruitysunshine your post has made me cry

Gah, what a bloody brave woman you are.