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Original poster

Help!!!! Father demanding access in Australia

292 replies

looneymum · 09/10/2009 12:03

Hello. I am distraught. I am newly divorced and my ex is soon to emmigrate to Australia. I have two DDs aged 7 and 5. Me and my ex do no communicate other than e-mail. My girls are reluctant to see their father although I have provided him with generous access. His emmigration has been on the cards for some time and particularly the DD1 has said she does not wish to visit him when he goes. I have told her that she does not have to if she doesn't want to. I have now received an e-mail from him, saying I am to expect a solicitors letter and that I am to let the children visit. He says that we should work together to make them visit him. This is the horror of a father who has left us with nominal maintenance and who refused to carry on paying for the private schooling he insisted they have prior to him leaving me. I am beside myself. I have no more money to pay for solicitors to fight this monster and only want the best for my children. If they were happy to go I would support it but should I just ignore their wishes and make them go? xxxx

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Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:01

Thx Queen of FE. Sorry managed to post twice as am having laptop issues. I really think he is going to go to court. I will have to represent myself.... how scary would that be..... am sh*t scared!

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almostreal · 03/11/2009 20:04

Looney mum let him waste time and money, it would seem to me to be pretty unenforceable.
Even if he was to get a judge to agree would he really spend ££££ to fly them back and fourth constantly?

Honestly I would put money on it being an empty threat, he is doing this to get a reaction out of you and it's working.
Take away his power inform him you will no longer respond to direct contact with him and he will not have to speak to your solicitor about arrangements.

almostreal · 03/11/2009 20:10

Another thing the court would be pretty interested in would be if he would have sole care of them whilst in Australia, if he was planning to work it would look pretty bad on him to have them cared for by others. If you force him to clarify this point and he says he will be on holiday too, means it shows he has no reason not to return to the UK to visit them. Puts him in a bit of a catch 22 predicament and makes him look bad.

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Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:11

Hi AlmostReal. Thx for your post. I believe he is loaded although we settled with me accepting next to nothing financially as he created lots of fuzziness around his finances. I think he has the cash to fly them back and forth and he says his family too .... and he says he wants to do it every year! Wanker.. if only he paid me the same in maintenance. I have spent an absolute fortune on legal fees to date and got nowt back basically (during the divorce). If he does go through with it then I will have to represent myself!

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Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:13

He intends to have his parents fly to Aus and then look after them whilst they are there. I am sure he will take a day or two off work! He has very rarely actually looked after them himself and always has his parents on hand.

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QueenOfFlamingEverything · 03/11/2009 20:13

Looney its not so hard to represent yourself in court, honestly (I've done it though not over access). You'll get all the support and advice you need on MN.

I cannot imagine he would win. Let him go ahead and waste his money. Don't be bullied into sending your DDs to Aus if you have any concerns at all.

thesouthsbelle · 03/11/2009 20:14

don't be scared, he is a fuck wit in the highest order using typical bully boy tactics to get what he wants.

are you able to get legal aid?

for now if you're not already doing so don't communicate verbally with him, log all texts (and yours as well to keep it balanced) emails and letters.

do not rise to his bait, do not agree to anything. DO NOT let yourself be bullied. DO NOT let the girls be manipulated either by him.

he's in cloud cookoo land tbh, no court in their right mind would expect a 5 year old to fly 24 hours and loose a day to see a parent - he should come back over to here to see them if he wants to so much.

if you really must respond to him say: 'fine see you in court'

Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:14

and... his partner is Australian and now lives out there with her two children and he will be living with her... they previously have had a nanny... !

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Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:20

Ah ladies.. you are all very supportive as ever. I know I cannot let them go. They are too young and have never been away from me for longer than two weeks. He is such a twunt and has sold them "the dream". He said to DD1 (age7).. when you get to Aus if you cannot sleep at night then just get up and put your swimming stuff on a go for a swim.....! I need to be strong. I want to hear someone say that he definintely cannot force me to let them go.... How could it be enforced? I have this image of the DDs being bodily removed from the house with me stuffing the passports somewhere! x

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thesouthsbelle · 03/11/2009 20:28

make sure you have the passports somewhere safe - tbh i'd say out of the hosue if you don't trust him.

Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:33

Hi TheSouthsB - I have had the locks changed! Am also just about to post deed poll forms back to solicitor so I can revert back to maiden name... hurray!

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pregnantpeppa · 03/11/2009 20:46

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pregnantpeppa · 03/11/2009 20:46

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
looneymum · 03/11/2009 20:57

Hi PregPeppa...sorry about your keyboard! Thanks so much for posting. My plan, should I have to go to court, would be to say that I am not saying he cannot have access but that whilst the DDs are young it should be in the UK. I have also agreed to phone and webcam contact. He has made his decision to leave, why should they be disrupted? How can the court force me to let them go... is this likely to happen? I am terrified! Thanks again. x

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Original poster
looneymum · 04/11/2009 09:18

Morning Ladies. Another stressed and restless night's sleep... when will this horror be over. I think I will e-mail to say he is using bullying and aggressive behavious which is unacceptable. Also that it is not about "winning" in court but about the children's best interests. xx

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Miggsie · 04/11/2009 09:35

Hi Looneymum...my friend had a divorce and custody similar to this.
Her loaded DH got his firm to pay for a £1000 a day barrister and insisted on going to court, my friend had her local legal aid solicitor and herself.

The magistrate clearly felt the DH was wasting court time and was being unreasonable although the barrister was trying to prove my friend was mentally unstable and a lesbian and an unfit mother (she was/is none of these things but her twat DH could only explain her leaving by telling everyone this, the fact that he was a controlling domestic abuser was incidental in his mind). Anyway the court found in favour of my friend and all that money on the barrister was totally wasted. He also had to buy her out of the house and hand it over to her to live in, previously he would not do this, but the court took a different view...ha ha.

If your DH took something like this to court they would be far more sympathetic to you, they always are when the other party is being unreasonable, and emigrating and expecting young children to spend 6 weeks with another family is pretty unreasonable.

Do not give into him, he is a bully and a court would not find his requests reasonable and would not enforce them.

Original poster
looneymum · 04/11/2009 10:01

Ah Miggsie. Thank so you much for posting. I am close to tears.... it is all just too much to take and any scrap of hope that I am given is so helpful. I am so constantly shocked at other people's horror stories and so hope your friend is happy now and making a lovely new life. I have decided to wait a day or two to compose my thoughts/e-mail to my ex which basically states that I will not tolerate his bullying but that he must take whatever action he sees fit. No doubt before I get a chance to send it there will be court papers served! Thanks again. xx

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pregnantpeppa · 04/11/2009 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
looneymum · 04/11/2009 21:32

Hi Pepp. Thx for posting again. Your keyboard seems much improved! I am hopeful that he is just bluffing and I wont need to go through the whole court business but think he is such a bully that he will do his worst. It just seems so bizarre. Why would you cause such upheaval to your own kids when he could come back for a couple of weeks and see them here. Am consoling myself this evening with the contents of the kids halloween bucket sweets! xxxx

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pregnantpeppa · 04/11/2009 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
looneymum · 05/11/2009 12:16

Hi Pregs. Yep.. halloween sweeties still ont the go. I don't like haribo jellies tho so must mentor DDs not to pick those next year! Have you tried giving your keyboard a gentle tap to remove any stray biscuit crumbs! No news re horror. Intend to send my e-mail tomorrow before he picks kids up for weekend. I get so worried about the response that I am giving myself another day off the grief! Have a good one. x

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ilovesprouts · 05/11/2009 12:30

bump

BitOfFun · 05/11/2009 12:46

Don't send the email, honestly. It will do nothing but let him know his is riling you. Have a bit of faith in the advice you have been given and save it for court! He might even use it to try and trip you up by luring you into a correspondance on the issue, which he can have his solicitors twist to his advantage. As little written (and no emotional content) stuff as possible should be your policy just now. Keep it all neutral.

Original poster
looneymum · 05/11/2009 13:14

Hi BitofFun. Big thanks for your post. My theory behind sending this very last (honestly!) e-mail is to document the fact that he is bullying/threatening me. I sort of hoped this might let him know that I don't intend to be bullied any more and I imagine the court would take a very dim view of this behaviour....

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BitOfFun · 05/11/2009 13:21

Hang fire though until you get some legally-informed opinion on here, hopefully later. See what they say- I'm no expert, that's just my instinct.