Help!!!! Father demanding access in Australia

[looneymum]

Hello. I am distraught. I am newly divorced and my ex is soon to emmigrate to Australia. I have two DDs aged 7 and 5. Me and my ex do no communicate other than e-mail. My girls are reluctant to see their father although I have provided him with generous access. His emmigration has been on the cards for some time and particularly the DD1 has said she does not wish to visit him when he goes. I have told her that she does not have to if she doesn't want to. I have now received an e-mail from him, saying I am to expect a solicitors letter and that I am to let the children visit. He says that we should work together to make them visit him. This is the horror of a father who has left us with nominal maintenance and who refused to carry on paying for the private schooling he insisted they have prior to him leaving me. I am beside myself. I have no more money to pay for solicitors to fight this monster and only want the best for my children. If they were happy to go I would support it but should I just ignore their wishes and make them go? xxxx

He's shot himself in the foot hasn't he then. Starting writing a long list of all the times he has had them and exactly who has looked after them etc etc etc

Yes... will do.... would a bottle of wine help do you think?

I am also now worried because he hasn't rang the house for ages. He normally rings on a Wednesday but hasn't. I think one of his arguments is going to be that I don't have the kids ring him. I think that he should ring them if he wants to speak to them and that the responsibility shouldn't be mine/the DDs.... surely that is reasonable. They never ask to ring him. When will I every be free of this feeling that I should facilitate everything even tho he was the one that left....AAArrrr gggghhhhhh oooooa aarrrrhhhhhh... get the vino open....

Stick to half a bottle.

Note for the judge, he failed to ring the dc Wed 20th Jan, despite us staying home to enable him to do so.

Ok. He has claimed that I have told the girls they can't call him. They asked once about nine months ago and it was late and not appropriate and unsettling. I have to admit I don't make free with the phone. I don't want to start saying they can call now as they are about to be interviewed by CAFCASS. I think I am done for.

Also a barrister friend of mine has just informed me that a family lawyer colleague says ex is very likely to get an order as it is enforcable should I renage on the trip going forward. He also said an order could work in my favour as it could give me some certainty about what/when with whom they are going to be.

Still, I feel defeated.

Try not to be deflated he is a part of their life and in summer 2011 they will both be 18 months older. You are always going to be their Mum the one that is there for them that has the genuine day to day relationship with him. He's going to be some distant relative that go and visit on hols for a few weeks every summer, there is no competition.

OK, bring evidence with you that you have been more than reasonable.

Do not give him passport dets - JUST DO NOT.

Am I right in that there's a baby on the way? If so he's feeling the pressure but I promise you if there's a baby he's not going to enforce a bloody thing.

Personally if I were in your shoes I'd wantto go to Australia with your dds. It's a long way to go without the primary carer - ie you.

Hi All. Just having a bad morning. Very tearful and a bad nights sleep. DD1 had aching legs in the night and once I was awake at 3am I couldn't get back to sleep. I am tortured. I have written a response to ex's lies on his C100 which has helped but there are other bits I wants to put in before it actually goes into court so that the judge can see what ex is like and how reasonable I have been.

I just feel so stressed. I have decided to get some free legal advice but of course nothing happens quickly and I need to return the forms within 14 days.

xx

I'm sorry you're finding this such a difficult time and seem to have so little RL support.

I really do think his interest will wane over time. He is probably doing all of this because he is a bully and needs to "win" and flexing his muscles makes him feel good about himself.

Take care of yourself x

Thx Sleigh. It's been a grim week. I have taken the decision to get a solicitor. It will be hard financially but I just do not feel able to represent myself. I am so stressed and will just fall apart.

Another twist in the tale is that CAFCASS are to be involved. Part of the order involves that the children are interviewed by CAFCASS prior to the first court hearing. I cannot believe he is going to put his children through this. The social worker will ascertain the childrens feelings and wishes. My worry is that my ex has influenced the girls re Aus. Initially they were not keen to go but after his "hard sell" they are very keen now.

I want to run away.

Regardless of his and the children's wishes you have agreed to let them go and 4 weeks out of a 6 weeks holiday is generous. You aren't denying him additional contact above that just stipulating that it has to be in the UK because it is their needs that count.

You are being resonable just write a list of you concerns and discuss them with the cafcass officer.

1. You need time with the girls during their holidays to enjoy care free time together rather than just school weeks.

1. They need to enjoy some of the UK summer as when they go to Aus it will be winter there.

1. Their father will not be their primary carer in Aus that it will be left to their step Mum and their Grandparents (who they can and will be seeing in the UK!) Long list of examples at how the Grandparents have looked after the during his contact time.

1. The ability of the Grandparents to care for them during 2 long haul flights and for 4 weeks.

1. Their recovery from jet lag prior to returning to school and taking away quality time with you during the school hols.

1. His lack of consistancy at phoning them and that he expects the girls to contact him at such a young age.

1. The bullying and aggresion and lies he has used so far.

1. Print off the emails in which you raise these concerns with him and where you have agreed that they can go.

Try and have confidence that most cafcass officers are good and see through manipulative parents (whether resident or non-resident). I think all of this reflects badly on him because you have already put it in writing that you agree to them going just for a shorter length of time than he demanded.

looneymum

Just skimmed the thread.

Flights are only released 11 months 2 weeks in advance so not possible to book July 2011 until half-way through July 2010.

The prices of flights increase dramatically during the school holidays, will he actually be able to afford the fares? Is he in debt?

I have just booked flights for Christmas and the children's fares are £951 each. Will he be paying for his parents as well? They will be something like £1100 each. How will he afford this?

Will he be paying maintenance for the children from Australia?

Thx FJJ for the flight info. Very helpful.

Sleigh. Thanks again....

So, today's the day for me to see a solicitor - even tho I said I wouldn't and it will cost an arm and a leg - still, I need my sanity in order to look after my lovely DDs. I just am not up to the stress of the court room and hopefully just being there in person with a solicitor speaking on my behalf will be enough to ensure the best interests of the children are met.

Wish me luck!
xx

Looneymum - good luck with the solicitor and hope it goes well .

I am hoping it went well with the solicitor

With the messy divorce and bullying it will be hard for you to see the wood from the trees

IMO 4 weeks on the other side of the world is a long time to be away from Mummy for any child, divorce or not. Homesickness could be a real issue.
As hard as it is you need to consider what would happen if they get ill or have an accident.
Also different climate/heat you'd want to be sure on suncream/ insect repellent and home/pool safety.
It doesn't matter what you stipulate you will have no way of knowing how they are really being looked after over there until they get back

If a visit is agreed I would insist upon going with at least for the first visit as you need to see the accommodation/safety/set-up.
Could you ask a friend to go with you and stay nearby in Oz making the best of a bad situation?
Also whatever you agree to first time round will set a precedent for any future visits

In the UK maybe you should move with new partner and only give out your phone number and skype details and meet your ex + kids at a neutral place when he is in the UK

For him to be so keen to get hold of the passports sounds major alarm bells for me, really sounds like he is applying for residency or duplicate passports?

I know its easy for me to say not being in the same situation but I think as hard as it is to stand up to him now it will pay off in the longer term
It also sounds like its a game to him and he will just keep coming back wanting more. Ireally feel for you

Hi Ladies

Thx so much for your messages.

Not great with the solicitor. When I said, would it be considered that the jetleg would affect the children and that due consideration should be given to this. She said well they will just have to get used to it!

Am not really sure what to do. She said that there is no right or wrong and that if the details of the consent order can't be resolved in the presence the judge and a CAFCASS officer then it will go to a second hearing and the judge will make the decision for us.

Have a good day.
x

oh dear well I hope that things get better.

Can a solicitor tell you if you can submit written evidence. It could really help if you try and put down your thoughts and hopes for the kids in a factual balanced way. So if you were to get flustered or emotional you'd be able to ask if the judge could see what you'd hoped to say. It would also help you practice in advance the key points you want to get across when the time comes.

I hope you have a nice weekend xxx