Help!!!! Father demanding access in Australia

[looneymum]

Hello. I am distraught. I am newly divorced and my ex is soon to emmigrate to Australia. I have two DDs aged 7 and 5. Me and my ex do no communicate other than e-mail. My girls are reluctant to see their father although I have provided him with generous access. His emmigration has been on the cards for some time and particularly the DD1 has said she does not wish to visit him when he goes. I have told her that she does not have to if she doesn't want to. I have now received an e-mail from him, saying I am to expect a solicitors letter and that I am to let the children visit. He says that we should work together to make them visit him. This is the horror of a father who has left us with nominal maintenance and who refused to carry on paying for the private schooling he insisted they have prior to him leaving me. I am beside myself. I have no more money to pay for solicitors to fight this monster and only want the best for my children. If they were happy to go I would support it but should I just ignore their wishes and make them go? xxxx

So don't agree to anything. Not unless it is dragged out of you in a court. Just keep being non-committal. Drag your feet. Let him bluster and threat all he likes but stick to your guns. It is totally unreasonable to expect you to allow this.
And I agree with wheresmypaddle that the courts can hardly order you to send them across the world at this age, without you (or at the least, him - although I guess you don't want that either). Or even older. Hell, I wouldn't do it now, and my DCs are 11 and 13.
And who knows whether, when it comes to it, his parents are really going to be up to escorting them, either. So naming them in the order is impractical too. Suppose one of them becomes ill in the meantime?
I know it's easy for us to say, but from the outside, with none of the terror that you understandably feel, it really is a non-starter.

Thanks Clam. Would all you ladies like to accompany me to court should it get that far? Can you imagine... it would be great!

He should have thought about all of this before deciding to emigrate... and accepted that if he wanted to continue the relationship he has nutured with the kids then he should return as often as possible to maintain that.... and not expect them to have the upheaval.... rant over. x

yes tight completely.

How can committ to sending them away for 3 weeks in 2011 when for all you know he won't have bothered to see them for the whole of 2010........

Also how can you committ to taking them out of school for a week at Christmas as that is up to the school not him plus how could you send them back with jet lag, how can he know now if his parents will be up to it?

Hi Looney

If you are in receipt of certain benefits or have a lowish income and not too much in the way of assets you probably qualify for Legal Help through the Legal Services Commission. Find a local family lawyer who takes on Legal Help work...

Many law firms also offer a free initial interview where they will give you some basic advice and give you a brief "he can't do that" or your local CAB (Citizens Advice Burea... google them!) should be able to give you some free legal advice...

Hope this helps!

Hi WorkingStudentM.

Unfortunately, I was left with the mortgage on the family home and am not in a position to raise a mortgage so in order to keep some stability for the DDs I used savings, money from parents and emptied piggy banks to pay off the debt. Hence I have an asset and am not eligible for legal aid..... My ex stitched me up in every way possible!

Of course, another option is to sell our home to fund the court case.... but that seems a bit harsh! Thanks so much for taking the time to post. xx

Why can't he visit them in the UK - cheaper and it's the same distance.

Having family overseas and having to visit them can be very limiting.

Different circumstances but similar outcomes. My dh is from another European country - as mil makes such a song and dance about coming over here (and when she does she's stays MONTHS) but she expects us to go to her twice a year on top of this. Now little one is starting school this makes trips very expensive, we also need ds to see my family (in UK) which he doesn't very much, and as he's getting bigger he'll make his own friends. This leaves precious little time (or money) for us as a family. I cannot even see us taking ds to other countries to broaden his outlook. This makes me so sad.

I'm sorry but I cannot help thinking that they are waaaaay to young to be out of the country without their main carer. Plus in future - contact in Oz needs to be on your terms so that you can also spend some holiday time and relax with your girls - or I see a situation where you do all the parenting, fulfil obligations for contact with your family, exh's parents in the UK, ensure they have sufficient social life - you will be drained and then he gets to show off his glamorous lifestyle in Oz to them with none of the repsonsibilities that come with being a parent.And you get your free time on his terms. Not great. Can you afford great holidays for your LOs?

They need access but this needs to be very carefully managed.

Hi Giveitago. Ah... you have hit all nails on the head. You have described exactly how I feel. I know I must facilitate contact with ex/his family but I too think it should be on my terms.... my ex obviously feels differently and thinks that he can call all the shots. He has already said that his parents should be allowed to have the children for half terms at their house after he emigrates. The way it is going, I will only see my lovely children for reading, writing, spelling practice, maths homework, cooking, cleaning, washing and generally ferrying around. This is all so unfair.

I truly sympathise with your situation too. It must be so hard for you having to please everyone all the time and always having to holiday in the same place. Everyone needs a change and to see something new.

So far as holidays going forward are concerned, it is very unfortunate as life looks very different now. We used to do a couple of hols abroad a year and perhaps a trip to eurodisney. I am hopeful that by next summer (should I actually get to spend some time with my girls) then it could be a camping or caravan hol. Do you know I will love it. I am so happy that ex is gone and now just want to get on .... the sooner he goes to Aus the better so far as I am concerned. Obviously that isn't great for the kids but my ex has chosen to emigrate and should, as you say, come back to see them.

Thanks so much for your support. x

Oh Looney mum

No - gps have no rights - wrongly or rightly (in some horrible cases). They don't figure in access and it's great that you are facilitating this as they sound nice and it's great for your girls.

But why should you lose control over your time and for ex-dp. It would be horrible - he'd get all the fun ZERO responsbility (and no doubt delegate all responsibility to gps where possible) and you get all the fall out - bringing up two girls solo - you doing the right thing always to you most probably seeing your family less to ensure they see dad, ils, friends, classes. What do you get and what do your girls get - tired stressed mummy.

Yes, gotta be done - BUT ON YOUR TERMS. My dh thought it appropriate to take 15 month baby out of the country without me for two weeks. I blocked it - afteraffects still felt - I'm coping with having to deal with OTHER people's unreasonable demands. I cannot wait till ds old enough to go to mil without me (even though he'll only get a crash course in hating mummy whilst there) - but I'm thinking at least when he can fully look after himself.

Thx Giveitago. Yep - I know his parents have absolutely no rights. Still he is such a twat it does not stop him making demands. His parents were in fact with me when ex left the family home! His dad shouted to him "dont come back to this f**ing house" when he left! Still blood is thicker than water and I have had a run in with his father since ex left. Ex has dumped the DDs on his parents when HE should have been spending quality time with them (and gone to work instead!).

You are so right tho... I must be allowed to dictate any contact with GPS on my terms.

Hope you have had a good day.... nearly the weekend!

ditto what MillyMollyMoo says

any developments looney - hope you had good week

Hi Giveitago. Good week thanks. Shame ex had to pick them up this weekend and spoil the fun but of course it has to be done! Only development is that he has now moved up near to my parents and sister (obviously ex is suitably hated by my family. DD1 already commented that as daddy is up working near
Grandma will they be able to see them. I explained that time with Daddy was just that. Anyway fuck face sends a text to say he is happy to have them delivered/ picked up from him as he is now living nearish my parents! What a cheek. What is in it for me. £70 quids worth of petrol at least. Also isn't that lovely bonding time in the car with his girls. Also from various things that have been said by DDs, I don't think he is going to have gone to Aus by March!

Perhaps I am being petty. Goodwill has never been on the cards and so why start now?

Hope you have a lovely weekend. Weather is a bit grim.... perhaps it's time to start thinking about xmas shopping! xx

I have been following this, not petty at all, why on earth should you ferry the girls to see him when he has left you with a pittance.

A fairish compromise would be to let him know when you are planning to visit your parents and if he wants he can pick them up from there, but tbh either he wants to see his kids or not, wanker ( and I haven't even met him)

He sounds lazy - expects you to go to him and not vice versa. Bloody hell.

Hope all OK other than that and no more big developments. He's going a bit bonkers re specifics for access when he doesn't seem to know himself when he's going to go.

I don't see this happening to be honest. I reckon he'll be here this time next year.

Presumably you'd be going up to your parents with the DDs in order for them to spend time together. How's that going to happen if exH hijacks the trip?

Oh, and it sounds to me like he's having trouble getting clearance to go to Oz.
So it may not even happen!

Hi Everyone. Hope you have had a good weekend. Another really annoying thing happened this weekend. Ex was due to drop kids off at 5pm on Sunday as usual. He texts at 3.25pm to say "will be there in 30 mins". He is so cheeky. Bad news for him was that I wasn't in and so DD1 knocked on the door and they had to go driving around until I got back. What strange behaviour. Shouldn't the text have gone. "Sorry to be such a pain to mess the arrangements around, obviously I am a complete wanker,but I am going to be an hour early - will you be in?". Most frustraing. Then I got a grilling from the kids as to where I had been! Roll on a peaceful week!!!!

Frustrating for whom? Him, I hope. That'll teach him to muck up the arrangements. He paid for it by having to kick his heels for an hour.

Hi Clam. Yep I cannot believe he passed up an extra hour with his lovely girls and wanted to bring them back early. Bizarre! He just seems to do whatever he wants so at least this time I wasn't in..... ha ha bloody ha!!!

Hope you're having a good day. Must nip out to tescos or there will only be gruel for tea!

I think this was a good thing- shows him that he can't expect you to pick up the pieces when he changes arrangements at the last minute. You showed him this without doing or saying anything that can be construed as being awkward- you simply weren't in. Had you been at home I am assuming DDs would simply have come home early and he would have learnt nothing.

He needs to realise that he can't expect you to be at his beck and call- hopefully he will think twice about changing things with no notice in future.

I wonder if he has actually given any thought to you having a life outside of the house- possibly in his mind you are just sitting around waitng for DDs to some home and has not even considered that you might be busy elsewhere??!!

Hi Wheresmypaddle. Let's hope it has made him realise I don't just sit in waiting for him. Whilst they killed time, they drove over to the DDs school... the school that he used to pay for but now refuses to fund.... bet that made him feel proud! Tosser!

Good morning ladies. I returned from a lovely weekend away to get an e-mail from ex advising that he can't pick the DDs up in a couple of weeks time at 6pm on Friday but will be getting them at 12.30 on the Saturday. No "sorry for messing up your plans". No "hope this is ok". It is outrageous that he can change arrangements and stuff up my plans.... wanker!!!!

Have a nice day! xx

Charming - would have been nice if he could have apologised for changing arrangements.

You could email back to say this is not convenient as there is no rule that says you have to fit in with his plans. You may have made plans to go away for the weekend and have to take DCs with you given that he will not be collecting them on the friday.

However, maybe this is the time to rise above it and go with the flow as you can't force him to stick to the arrangements (and of course keep a note of the fact he changed things). He doesn't have to know that you are angry that he just changed the arrangements- don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that this is the case.

Have you replied?? Maybe something along the lines of "Thank you for letting me know. I have changed my plans for the weekend of [insert date] to accomodate the changes that you require so on this occassion we can fit around your plans". Gives the impression that he has not got to you, you are being flexible for the sake of the children (looks good..), and you have some intriguing plans for the weekend which luckily you have been able to rearrange.

Him messing you about re times etc will work in your favour if it goes to court so although it's a short term nuisance long term it's a good thing as you can gather evidence of his unreliability.
I would refuse to take the kids to and fro, that's his job.
In some ways it's good he wants to see them when he goes to Oz although can't think what sort of job will give him loads off weeks off in school holidays.
Them going for 3-4 weeks each summer (UK) may be a compromise. A court is unlikely to say all summer holiday each year.
Decide what you think is reasonable and stick to that and have arguments to justify your position eg you also wanting time with them in summer holidays, his previous unreliability, how will he look after them all summer if working etc.