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Parenting

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Original poster

Biting your child

96 replies

Mamashep · 20/07/2009 13:34

Has anyone bitten their child? My lil terrorist of a 2.8 yr old DD has bitten my 11 week old DS really hard, so hard that her head was shaking and his skin was v.v. nearly broken. I was so unbelievably cross I shut her in the hall while I comforted a v. upset baby, not to mention a v. upset me! She was screaming and banging on the door and I let her in...then I bit her back OMG what is happening to me, I used to be so calm, have never smacked her and can usually just put her in the hallway for some time out for both of us before I explode
All this because I said she couldn't have a bloody date and banana bar cos lunch was minutes away from readiness.
To add insult to injury we made a reward chart this morning to continue with her behaviour...which is mostly good
Please help, advise, commiserate etc etc

OP posts:

bruces · 20/07/2009 13:48

lots of people won't agree with what you did but i did exactly the same to my ds when he was 21/2 it got to the point where we couldn't go out in case he bit another child, i followed advice from Dr and health visitor to the letter,used reward charts,ignored it,time out,bribery you name it,then one day he bit me very very hard(seemed to hurt more as i was caught of guard) and i nipped him back on the arm.........ashamedly it did leave a mark but i said the "ouch" you feel is what others feel when you bite them,he never bit again. i don't know what the right answer is for you but good luck

mamadiva · 20/07/2009 13:54

Try not to worry about it, no it's not ideal for you or DD but we all have our limits and sometimes the little buggers angels can overstep them! It was a one off and in this situation I'd probably done the same thing.

My mum has always done this with me and my siblings, when we bit we got bit needless to say we grew out of that phase pretty fast

Also the other day my son (3YO) was just nipping and nipping at my head the other day so I smacked him on the arm after hours of tantrums, whinging and hitting. I felt very guilty as like you it's out of character but it does'nt seem to have bothered him much because he has'nt ran away yet

HollyBunda · 20/07/2009 13:55

Just thinking that it's not because she couldn't have the date & banana bar. A new sibling is a real stress on young children.
She is reacting to the new baby.
My dd started to steal from shops after my ds was born.

I understand the total frustration and anger you must have been feeling after she did that, but biting her back is not going to show her that it's wrong and will most likely add to her anger/resentment/unhappiness about the baby.

Definitely remove her from the room, and a reward chart really helped my dd with her behavior at this time. Well, what we did was fill a jar with little plastic teddies that she could turn in for a treat.

Show her the damage that she has done to the baby when you are both calm and talk to her about why it is wrong and that it hurts.
It takes a while, she may do it again, but try and stay calm if she does.

Lizzzombie · 20/07/2009 13:56

My DS, 2.7 yo is a biter. Not so bad of late though which is good.
I can't bring myself to actually bite him myself but I use 2 techniques.

When I see him going for me (this only works if its on me) then I shove his own arm in his mouth before he gets me.
When he tries to or does actually bite, I go through the same speech: "Mummy doesn't bite, Daddy doesn't bite, name of older child next door doesn't bite, name of girl down the road he worships doesn't bite, auntie so & so doesn't bite. DS doesn't bite." then, "Biting is nasty and naughty"

If he gets bitten by another child he will recite this himself now.

In fact, since he started getting bitten by other (younger) children in our circle of friends he has practically stopped himself! Although he did get me this morning as I was being lazy and not getting out of bed.

I had to sign the incident report form at nursery about 4 times over him biting, I was mortified.
It is a very common phase, but very nasty.

The Toddler Taming book I have suggests its an attention grabbing technique. And the best way to deal with it is to lavish attention onto the bitee and ignore the biter.

Hope your baby is ok.
Best of luck x

MovingOutOfBlighty · 20/07/2009 13:56

Totally understand why you did it. Probably would have done so myself.

arabicabean · 20/07/2009 14:10

I can't empathise with you as I have never lost control and bitten my toddler.
I hope that things get better. There are some good books on toddler behaviour, perhaps these would prove useful.

sherby · 20/07/2009 14:13

I can sympathise, DS bit DD this just now and made her bleed

But I don't think showing your child something is wrong by doing the same thing to them is very helpful

Although I have no suggestions myself, so don't really have anything else to add.

Sorry!

Original poster

Mamashep · 20/07/2009 14:53

Just fed poor baby boy, he haswhat looks like nasty blisters on his fingers where the lil terror bit him...I am sorry for biting her, but if she doesn't bite him again, or anyone else for that matter, it will have worked[hmmm]
As for books, got'em all but its very hard to implement when you're in the thick of it
Thanks for all advice/chat x

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 20/07/2009 14:56

You bit her? You actually bit her in order to tell her not to bite? And others say they would have done the same?

A slap in anger I could understand, but a bite? That's not a reaction in anger, that's controlled and planned and wicked.

No sympathy here from me.

If you'd been a dog biting a child you would have been put down.

jeminthepark · 20/07/2009 15:02

Yeah but OP sounded like she felt her behaviour was out of control, it iS weird others are condoning it tho.

I hope this phase passes fast- hopefully someone can give you strategies to use , that may prove useful?
It must have been upsetting for everyone all round- I remember those early days, with a new baby and young 'un....not easy.

Get rl advice and strategies, hope you are all ok.

dilemma456 · 20/07/2009 15:10

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ErnestTheBavarian · 20/07/2009 15:21

I can't get my head round you biting her tbh. I really can't shouting at her, screaming at her even, putting her out of the room. But I just can't get the biting thing. Even more confusing for her that you bit her (you weren't the one she bit) it's not even 'natural concequences'. It must be illegal, surely? Please, pleae don't do it again. Your dd ight well bite again, but you really shouldn't. And if she is so jealous of baby, you need to keep a lot closer eye on her near baby.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/07/2009 15:30

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jeminthepark · 20/07/2009 15:32

Agree with shineycrazy lady

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/07/2009 15:36

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Original poster

Mamashep · 20/07/2009 15:47

Erm, well I was actually using this forum for a bit of support, and advice so thanks to all of those who gave me some support and reassurance. Top marks for seeing that I was at the end of my tether And to those who think I should be put down and am a really bad mother...well I am happy that you have such perfectly behaved children and I hope they continue like that. With a self-righteous, judgemental parent like you, they should have the best chance

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/07/2009 15:52

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lal123 · 20/07/2009 15:57

I agree with rhubarb and ernest - I can understand losing your temper and shouting or even hitting child as an immediate reaction - but actually CHOOSING to bite your child??

I'm not self righteous and certainly don't have a perfectly behaved child, but don't see why support and reassurance should be given to you when I don't think you did the right thing?

jeminthepark · 20/07/2009 15:57

Shiney- yep they do happen. I am not a perfect parent myself, have made loads of mistakes(and, to reaaly add fuel, check my history-I'm a recovering alkoholic).Still agree with what you wrote tho.

god we all do things we regret. It's what we do after and how we move on that counts.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 20/07/2009 16:00

Actually have the opposite problem -- DS (16 months) bites DD (3 years), but he only tends to do it in self defence, and usually when she corners him.

Does she understand that biting the baby is wrong?

Shenaya23 · 20/07/2009 16:00

One over-reaction doesn't make a bad parent.

I think when people bite their DCs back it's not to teach them that it's ok, and no child is daft enough to think so. It's to teach them that it hurts, and that is why they shouldn't do it. IME (and i've know several parents who have done this) it's only one bite back - because any more would be showing that it's ok.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/07/2009 16:02

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lal123 · 20/07/2009 16:07

agree that this does not make OP a bad parent!!! What should she be advised to do? Well I'd say not to bite her child again!

Hammy01 · 20/07/2009 16:51

Mama I can sympathise with the feelings you had that led to you biting back.
Like someone else said, put it down to experiance and tomorrow is another day.
I must admit, I had a moment very close to yours on saturday when my 5.5 DSS bit - very nearly drawing blood- on my DS who is 2.5yrs. When I asked DSS why he had done it, had DS kicked or hit him he just said no and smirked
I did see red big time.
He now has no DS next weekend to which he screamed in my face which was pleasent, but then thats a whole other story
Parenting is hard enough, we need to support each other not make each other feel worse, particularly when we feel crappy enough

ErnestTheBavarian · 20/07/2009 17:15

but if you do something really wrong, surely it's good to hear it? I didn't say she was a crap parent, but I think it's worth pointing out if we think it's wrong. She asked for opinion after all. My opinion is it's out of order. And no, my kids are not angels. I'm not patting myself on the back and saying I'm great. But I wouldn't bite one of my kids, but if I ever did, I think it would be more than fair enough for someone to say it's wrong.

She asked for help and advice. I advised not to bite your children and keep close eye on baby/ sis. Fair enough I think. And a bit petty imo to turn around and suggest anyone who says biting your 2 year old is a wrong thing to do is a "self-righteous, judgemental parent "

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