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Parenting

Biting your child

96 replies

Mamashep · 20/07/2009 13:34

Has anyone bitten their child? My lil terrorist of a 2.8 yr old DD has bitten my 11 week old DS really hard, so hard that her head was shaking and his skin was v.v. nearly broken. I was so unbelievably cross I shut her in the hall while I comforted a v. upset baby, not to mention a v. upset me! She was screaming and banging on the door and I let her in...then I bit her back OMG what is happening to me, I used to be so calm, have never smacked her and can usually just put her in the hallway for some time out for both of us before I explode
All this because I said she couldn't have a bloody date and banana bar cos lunch was minutes away from readiness.
To add insult to injury we made a reward chart this morning to continue with her behaviour...which is mostly good
Please help, advise, commiserate etc etc

OP posts:

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wonderingwondering · 20/07/2009 22:22

My mum bit my brothers when they bit, and it stopped them. I have never, and would never, do that. But it is a recognised way of responding to biters.

I resolved I wouldn't smack my children, except for very extreme or life-threatening behaviour: biting or running in the road.

I have smacked my daughter for biting. My husband doesn't smack as men don't always know their strength. It was a calculated thing when I smacked her: I knew if she bit, I'd smack her bottom, and when it happened, I did it. But I don't think that is as bad as 'slapping out' in anger or frustration.

But I think you have a duty to stop really extreme behaviour in its tracks. So whatever works for you. I'd judge far more harshly someone who didn't respond in an extreme way to their child biting than I'd judge someone who smacked or bit back.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/07/2009 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wonderingwondering · 20/07/2009 22:27

When I say 'as bad as' I don't say that because I think I'm wrong to smack (very) occasionally.

I think taking a calculated step to chastise your child, as part of being a responsible parent, is always OK. I think lashing out - possibly the same behaviour - a smack, a cross word, whatever, because you are tired, cross, fed up, is wrong. But it is inevitable at times. No-one's perfect.

Buckaroo · 20/07/2009 22:40

Ugh, if my dh BIT one of my children I would go beserk. I can see that you (op) were at the end of your tether, but am quite shocked that you bit her AFTER you'd had a time out (in the hall).

And I'm quite surprised that so many are saying it was ok, tbh.

Seems like your small dd1 is struggling with the arrival of your ds, is there any way you can build in some time with just her? I know it can be hard, and that she must seem quite grown up and big in comparison to your new baby, but she's still very small. And I'm sure you mean it nicely, but I think it's really worth to try not to characterize her, as sometimes those things can become really entrenched in thinking (lil terrorist)

tvfriend · 20/07/2009 22:50

I'll probably get slated for this as well, but after DD (2) bit DS (6 months) the other day I told her to bite herself and see how she liked it. She bit her finger quite hard and went all wobbly lipped and said sorry to DS- hasn't happened since. (although she very occasionally will bite me in a tantrum)

MamaMaiasaura · 20/07/2009 23:05

Sounds like a tough time for OP but dont agree with the biting thing.

I actually do agree with Rhubarbs pov that biting is planned reaction and not ok AT ALL. I have a toddler myself and he has started nipping at times. I tend to move him off me and and say that isnt nice/give minimum reaction and it seems to be working for now.

It must be hard for OP having new baby and toddler to look after but dont think biting back was good and definately not after time out which is punishment enough imo.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/07/2009 23:08

an ADULT biting a CHILD is NOT ok. EVER.

slyandgobbo · 20/07/2009 23:17

I thought describing a 2 y/o with a new baby sibling as a "lil terrorist" was odd meself.

jemart · 20/07/2009 23:30

I know that rationally it doesn't make sense to do to your child precisely the thing that you don't want them to do. However I also know that it does work. Really fast.

jemart · 20/07/2009 23:31

Well, as far as biting is concerned anyway.

canttouchthis · 21/07/2009 13:13

I would say the OP should have bit lightly as soon as her toddler had bitten the baby, rather than putting her out in the hallway and THEN biting her. She would have learned from it instantly then. I'm sure her toddler was wondering what was going on after a few mins and then being bitten.
But we all do things in the heat of the moment, and I'm sure the OP won't be going out of her way to bite her toddler again.

JackBauer · 21/07/2009 14:02

I am really surprised at those of you telling people how you should bite your toddler. Surely one way is a bad as another, good advice from tvfriend

By tvfriend on Mon 20-Jul-09 22:50:00
I'll probably get slated for this as well, but after DD (2) bit DS (6 months) the other day I told her to bite herself and see how she liked it. She bit her finger quite hard and went all wobbly lipped and said sorry to DS- hasn't happened since.

I have no problem with this, it has same result, she learns biting hurts, but you as a parent are not physically hurting your child.

If you lash out in a temper(however you do it), yes, it is not good, but that is one thing, do actually have time out from your child and then intentionally hurt them is another altogether.

Rhubarb · 21/07/2009 14:28

Google child biting. All the sites I've just looked on tell you, in no uncertain terms, that biting back is NOT acceptable! A parent should NEVER bite their child back. It IS a form of abuse. It IS planned, you don't bite as a knee-jerk reaction, you have to get close to them, choose where to bite (i.e. an uncovered bit), draw that bit to your mouth and then proceed to bite them. It's not instant.

I didn't say the OP was wicked, I said that biting a toddler, a child UNDER 3 is wicked. And so is allowing your husband to bite your child.

I stand by that. I am horrified by the responses on this thread.

JackBauer · 21/07/2009 14:56

to actually have time out.

Still in agreement with Rhubarb BTW for all of those who think she has gone off all guns blazing I think she has been very restrained. And the reason I am simply saying I agree with her is I keep having to delete what I want to say.

bumpsoon · 21/07/2009 16:48

My mother did this to my ds when he was little ,mind you she calmly explained to him that if he bit her AGAIN that she would bite him back ,he did bite her ,so she took his hand and put it in her mouth and sort of bit down ,not hard enough to leave a mark ,but he never ever ever bit her or anyone again. I didnt have a problem with it because she didnt cause him any damage and tbh i had been struggling with this particular phase and non of my 'good parenting' responses had had a jot of difference .

pagwatch · 21/07/2009 16:57

I would be surprised at anyone biting their child in the heat ofthe moment but would be at anyone doing it when calm.

My DS2 has SN and was staggering difficult to help in terms of not biting, scratching etc.
I actually smacked him back once when he hit me out of loss of temper and exasperation. It did no good except to undo all the 'no hitting' messages that I had been giving him for months.

I really can understand a loss of temper under stress but it is honestly not a good stragey - even if it works. If I hit my child hard around the head when he did something wrong I am sure it would work and he would learn not to do that. But that would not make it a good idea. Outcome is not always the only test.

MrsMcCluskey · 21/07/2009 17:10

There are instances where parents have been investigated for biting their children, it is a from of abuse as Rhubarb said.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/07/2009 19:01

Recent safeguarding children training covered biting by adults, and it was classified, in terms of child protection, as child abuse.

Which it is.

canttouchthis · 21/07/2009 20:30

yadda yadda...I think most people here are missing the point. bumpsoon has also pointed out that a lesson was learned from her DS being bitten by a relative. He learned not to do it again. And that was the end of the story...As she pointed out, it wasn't a bite so hard that it broke the skin, it was a nip-like bite (similar to what my DH done to my 2yo - so that was enough to draw attention to the fact that biting others is not a great idea).
It isn't any different from hitting a child (yep, that's child abuse too, even if it is also argued as 'discipline'). Honestly, you can't win.
No one is saying go around biting your DC left right and centre and that that is acceptable behaviour for any parent.
Google 'smacking' and you'll probably find that's child abuse too.

JackBauer · 21/07/2009 20:41

I'm not missing teh point, I am anti smacking and also anti biting, and anti anything that harms or hurts your child.

One of my points is that you can't tell a child not to do something by doing it yourself. How hypocritical.

You can win. You can stop pretending that 'it is only a bite' 'only a tap on the back of the hand' and admit that you fucked up. Apologise to your child. Vow never to do it again. And move the fuck on.

canttouchthis · 21/07/2009 21:08

I think some of us are going to have to agree to disagree on this one...

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 21/07/2009 21:16

so its ok to bite a child, as long as it does not break the skin?

Sidge · 21/07/2009 21:30

I am astounded at some responses on this thread.

I can't believe some people think disciplining a child by biting them is acceptable. And to suggest that there are degrees of acceptability depending on the bite depth, and how/where/why/when it was done is just incomprehensible to me.

wonderingwondering · 21/07/2009 21:35

I think biting is on a par with spitting at someone. So I wouldn't do it, whatever.

But as I said earlier, I do treat biting as a different level of naughtiness. I actually wouldn't be very pleased if someone's child bit mine and the parent's response was simply to 'explain' to them. I do expect drastic action!

JackBauer · 21/07/2009 22:28

canttouchthis, sorry, I can't agree to disagree as I think it is appalling that some posters on here are so blase about biting their children.

wondering, DD2 is a biter, and she gets it explained, in stern voice, and if she does it again she is removed/dealt with/strapped in buggy, but never with violence. She doesn't bite often now and I only have to warn her for her to stop lunging. It can be done without physically assaulting your child.

(Not having go at you BTW trying to get a point across that am not smuggery 'holier than thou' poster with 'perfect kids' before I get accused of that)

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