How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.../Unconditional Parenting/TCS thread

[flamingobingo]

Not sure if this will work! But come here and post if you want some helpful creative thinking from other parents also striving to talk in a way that will make their kids listen, parent unconditionally or to take their children seriously (more links)

No judgey-pants allowed, and only 'I want to find out more' questions, please - no debates

Firstly - please, someone, please, tell me how to get my 4yo to stop spitting! She's got into a real habit. It's not proper spitting, but raspberry blowing, but she's got into this horrid habit where she just does it so frequently.

It's driving me mad, and I am getting to the point where I am thinking the only solution is to threaten her with something - can't think what though, and don't want to do that anyway .

Please help!

Oh, I'd LOVE to hear potty training tips, too.

I thought of this thread today when DD who had barely napped (not her fault, we had a really busy day) was nearly dropping off after her dinner. I panicked slightly as if she'd actually fallen asleep, I wouldn't have got her to bed until gone 9pm and I really fancied a bit of time to myself. So I snapped at her and said 'Don't fall asleep! Do you want to go up to bed now? You really need to sleep!" and she said "Nooo, nooo, I want to stay up, don't make me" and cried a bit.

About five minutes later, having realised that it is really mean to snap at someone who is knackered, I said much more nicely "Darling, you are really sleepy, aren't you? Would you like to come up to bed with me and read a book and lie down?"

She immediately said "Yes, mummy, I would really like to go to sleep now, please."

Really reminded me of how a bit of respect and kindness can get results a hundred times faster than coercion and shouting and selfishness.

The best potty training tip I have is to tell them 'You will be able to do it out when you're ready'. It helped me believe it too and eventually it happened.
Violence. Someone, please, tell me what to do when my three year old scratches or hits me? I can't just leave the room - he will chase me and carry on. I know the ideal unconditionally parented child wouldn't do this at all - but sometimes I think I have a different kind of child.

stirlingstar Praise isn't something you must never, ever do. You're allowed to be excited about something someone's achieved. All my potty trained children have potty trained like this:

• they actually make themselves do a wee on the potty
• I express genuine joy and say how impressed I am
• I ask them if they want to wear knickers today
• we stay at home for that day
• I remind them to use the potty every hour or so, which usually annoys them
• if we have loads of accidents we give up and try another day when they're keen
• otherwise, they just take to it very quickly. they don't like feeling wet and are pleased with themselves that they're weeing on a potty and being grown up. Take them to choose some nice knickers/pants for fun (not for a reward!)

Children need three things to potty train - to be physically able to hold wee/poo in, to be physically able to make themselves wee/poo, and to be emotionally ready to do it

horton - yay! I love it when I get things 'right'

cockles why is your DS doing this? Violent/'bad' behaviour usually, IME, is a symptom of something else going on - you need to work out what it is and deal with that. Until you can work it out and fix it, read the rest of the thread for lots of ideas on how to cope with hitting etc. in chidlren

Could you cut his nails when he's asleep? Or bite them off yourself - I can't do that myself but I know women who do.

Mine wakes up if i do it in his sleep. I usually bite them cos its easiest but he hates that the most. If I use clippers or scissors he's still not keen though.

Hello, hope this thread isn't too dead!

I was actually wondering if anyone could give me some practical tips. I was thinking that the principles of gentle discipline are all age-appropriate and so could help!

Basically my 8mo DS has been grabbing and pinching me since he was about 5mo, and I'd kind of hoped he'd have grown out of it by now, but he hasn't. I also would like him to be more gentle with our cat (who is luckily very placid) and I don't know how to teach/encourage him to be more gentle. Any pointers?

Show him how to do gentle stroking using your hands. No impulse control yet so just keep at it, helping him stroke and saying 'gentle hands'.
I don't think it's unreasonable to remove yourself with a firm No if you are actually hurt, though.

I have got half way through How to talk to Kids, it is really interesting and I am trying to begin implementing ideas - somethings got to change in our house! The one thing I am not sure how to deal with having read a fair amount is that my 3.5 yr old DS constantly says "poo face" to anyone if things don't go exactly his way....usually quite quietly. He had his trial morning at a new preschool last week and said it to the teacher when she was telling him and another boy off for having a barney. I just don't really know how to deal with this one, he just is not the sort to sit down and chat about it, he'll just laugh as soon as I mention the phrase and he has the attention span of a flee.
Any ideas?
Thanks.

Well, it's up to the teacher to deal with it on the spot in the example you give.

But if you were in charge, depending on the situation, I would ignore or give him the right words to use.

If I having serious words and he said poo face under his breath I'd probably pretend not to hear.

If he was unhappy with another child because they weren't ready to let him have a turn on a toy, I'd say something like 'It can be hard to wait, can't it'.

You could give him a chat in late August not related to any specific incident about appropriate words to use in the class room.

HTH

Hi, reviving this because I want to pick your brains.

This morning I had to prise DDs fingers open to remove the scissors. She resisted and then said I hurt her. I'm wondering if the situation could have been avoided.

The context, she is nearly 5. She wanted to 'adjust' a bit of junk modelling DS had made to her taste by cutting off a bit. I stopped her hand and explained that it wasn't hers to cut. She reached out to cut again, I stopped her hand again and asked her to give me the scissors. She refused so I asked to give me the scissors or I would count to three and then take them from her. Which is what happened.

I don't feel good about this use of force but can't think of any alternative.
(There is nowhere she can't reach so removing the junk modelling rather than the scissors not an option)

Lock on cupboard where scissors/knives are kept?

Found some interesting stuff on impulsivity. When punishment is used it works because the child can learn to think of the punishment before they do something wrong and it stops them from doing it. If they lack impulsive control they do things without thinking and so wouldn't remember the punishment before doing something wrong.

A couple of websites I found here:

www.parentingtheatriskchild.com/impulse%20control.html

It says "Punishment of problem behaviour does not do much to help "at risk" children build impulse control. The impulsive behaviour of "at risk" children brings out punishing parenting behaviour (or practices). This punishing parenting style actually worsens behaviour!"

www.marvinmarshall.com/impulsemanagement.html

This one says "Threats and punishments are based on the belief that a person needs to be harmed?to be hurt?in order to learn. When you IMPOSE A PUNISHMENT you are acting on this belief. The result may be immediate obedience, but future motivation will be to avoid punishment?rather than to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do."

Could you have offered her something else to cut, ie "No DD, you musn't cut that, that belongs to DS, here, why don't we cut up this old magazine and make a picture?" (Or if she wanted to try cutting different textures, a yoghurt pot, cardboard tube, wet paper, leaves from outside...) You could then either just move onto making a collage with no further discussion or when she is happy cutting something appropriate explain to her that DS would be upset if she cut his model because it took him a long time to make, and that scissors can be destructive and she should always ask first if she wants to cut something. I don't know five year olds well enough to say whether just redirection would be the best tactic or a stab at empathy!

If she still wanted to cut the model then I think removing the scissors probably is the best thing to do. Don't feel bad about using force though in this situation - it's not as though you were doing it roughly on purpose to punish her, it was necessary to remove the item which could have damaged property.

Thanks.

Distraction would probably worked but we were about to leave for school and the last thing I wanted was for her to start on an activity that she would be reluctant to leave.

On reflection I have decided that there wasn't much alternative.

Don't think locking away the children's scissors could work in our house - they seem to need them (for appropriate reasons) every three minutes.

Told her she could cut something else when she got back from school because DS would be sad if she cut his model?

Great thread - will be back to read and digest and maybe even participate!