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Original poster

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.../Unconditional Parenting/TCS thread

216 replies

flamingobingo · 21/05/2009 09:53

Not sure if this will work! But come here and post if you want some helpful creative thinking from other parents also striving to talk in a way that will make their kids listen, parent unconditionally or to take their children seriously (more links)

No judgey-pants allowed, and only 'I want to find out more' questions, please - no debates

Firstly - please, someone, please, tell me how to get my 4yo to stop spitting! She's got into a real habit. It's not proper spitting, but raspberry blowing, but she's got into this horrid habit where she just does it so frequently.

It's driving me mad, and I am getting to the point where I am thinking the only solution is to threaten her with something - can't think what though, and don't want to do that anyway .

Please help!

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phdlife · 02/06/2009 12:39

othertside u would like to do that but she only wants to sleep in my arms. putting her down wakes her up, putting her down somewhere quiet wakes her up even faster...

nappyaddict · 02/06/2009 15:44

phd do you know anyone who has an amby nest you could try out? DS never liked being put down in his cot but he loved this and used it til he was 1. Or what about a moses basket? Sometimes I think they feel quite insecure in a cot as it is so much bigger than them.

Will she sleep in the day if you take her for a walk in the pushchair or a drive in the car (if you drive).

Original poster
flamingobingo · 02/06/2009 20:35

phd have you read the Faber & Mazlish book called 'Siblings Without Rivalry'? I found that very helpful for ways to deal with over-enthusiasm in toddlers!

I've done the baby plus toddler thing three times now. Do you have a good carrier you can put/keep the baby in - like a hug-a-bub or kari-me - where you can be totally hands-free? So baby can sleep and still be a bit protected. Also, it's worth remembering that, while it's infuriating for you, and bothersome for the baby, it's not going to do her any harm to have lots of little naps if she can't manage to have a few big naps because of being disturbed. This won't be a problem for ever

Also, rather than distracting him (e.g. 'why don't you drive your tractor over here?'), maybe try some more genuine requests like 'can you wipe her bottom now?' (obv. only for wee nappy changes!) with lots of 'that's right - gently, just like that!'. I've found toddlers really don't understand what 'gently' means until they're shown it repeatedly with lots of 'oh, that's lovely! Baby's really happy - look she's smiling at you!'.

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baskingseals · 02/06/2009 22:03

I think sometimes children don't understand that hitting hurts adults because we don't cry, explaining that it does still hurt to older children and younger ones alot of ows and sad faces and rubbing wounded area can make this clearer.

baskingseals · 02/06/2009 22:08

Sorry! This post was in response to fifipot - a couple of pages back - still very new at this!

nappyaddict · 02/06/2009 23:02

My DS has made me cry 3 times now from pinching me. He thinks if you cry or shout out in pain it's funny As I said he often does it to people he likes. It's not out of malice it's because he wants to see what reaction you will give. If you give any sort of reaction to it then that's rewarding to him. It was the same when I tried to discipline him using time out/naughty step. He likes the routine of it all and that is rewarding to him. That's why we stepped away from all that to UP.

juuule · 03/06/2009 08:01

He's made you cry? Do you mean cry out as in exclaim or pretend to cry?

What reaction are you giving him? If he's not responding to you pretending to be upset, then perhaps you now need to give him a stern look with a firm no! and explain you can't play with him because he hurts you.

nappyaddict · 03/06/2009 08:56

No he's actually made me cry it's hurt that much.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 03/06/2009 09:12

nappyaddict I find I need to be pretty firm when this has happened to me. I'll hold their arm and say calmly 'you've really hurt me. It isn't funny, I'm very upset. It is not acceptable to hurt other people'.

I've found all my toddlers have tried laughing when they've hurt me, but soon stopped when I've made it very clear, without loads of emotions involved (apart from a genuine 'ouch'), that it's not funny to hurt someone.

Don't go on about it though - just say it once and then move swiftly on to something else - get a book out to read with him or something. I often feel that the bigger the deal we make of things, the more of an issue it becomes.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 03/06/2009 09:12

How old is your son? How does he react if anybody -siblings or friends hit him? Do you do play fighting with him? Can you turn hitting into tickle tortures and start giggling? Do you feel you spend the time you want to spend with him?

nappyaddict · 03/06/2009 10:01

He's 3 in a few weeks. He's never really had anyone hit him but he has been pushed over by a friend once and he cried. I've never done play fighting but we do lots of tickling. I work 12-5 sat and 5-11 sunday, monday and tuesday. He goes to playgroup 1 afternoon and 3 mornings a week, 1 of which i help out at and the rest of the time he's with me so he gets to spend quite a bit of time with me.

cockles · 03/06/2009 10:59

Mine is hitting a lot at the moment too - me, mostly. He's 3.5 and gets into hysterical states where he just runs around yelling and hitting or scratching me. When he's not doing that, taking him seriously works great, but in this mood he won't stop to listen to any response. If I say, very seriously, it hurts he says I will hurt you again - and does. Not a nice phase.

phdlife · 03/06/2009 12:26

glad this thread is here. I was in tears by 10am this morning feeling that I really, really, suck at this parenting lark. is it "natural consequences" to put him outside the stairgate if he doesn't stop climbing dd's cot when she's in it? after juuule's suggestion it's the one thing I really feel I can't just let him climb.

And would you just let them paint themselves in deodorant?

nappyaddict · 03/06/2009 12:34

Have you got a stairgate on dd's room so he can't get in there?

phdlife · 03/06/2009 12:46

yep. rarely get to use it though!

(sorry about your ds, btw, NA - it sounds really rough!)

baskingseals · 03/06/2009 12:58

I also agree with flamingobingo in saying NO it hurts, and then moving swiftly on to ,tosomething completely different.Perhapes he needs to do lots of physical stuff - few running,jumping,expert roly poly demonstrations, or some stunts with the sofa cushions on the floor. Also tell him that you don't like it, it hurts. Do you generally enjoy his company? Do you feel comfortable letting him take the lead in things you do together? Can you take things at his speed for some of the time and then crack on with what you what[need]to do?

phdlife I really feel for you, I have a 7yr old DD, a 22mth DS and am 7 mths pregnant with another DS I am really quite worried about how I will cope.

phdlife · 03/06/2009 13:06

what are 7yo dds like, baskingseals? helpful? [hopeful]

baskingseals · 03/06/2009 14:36

I,ve just got one! She's unreal, far more together than I am I sort of look at her in wonder. I don't want to put upon her at all, it wasn't her decision to have another baby[actually it wasn't exactly in my game plan either, but know I am v lucky], I just can't see how I can maintain the current level of attention that I try to give to both of them - something's going to give! And things were just beginning to feel okay and safe.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 03/06/2009 16:48

phd keep things like deodorant well out of their reach - anything you really don't want them to destroy or make a mess with, just don't put it where they can see or reach it.

My 6yo is very helpful - I think it probably depends on the child though!

Cockles Can you and your DP brainstorm and try to work out why he's having so many tantrums right now, and then deal with that? IME, lots of meltdowns do have a reason, but sometimes that reason can be rather elusive!

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 04/06/2009 09:53

baskingseals I would love to be able to do running, jumping and roly polys with him but he's not physically capable

He does do a fair bit of physical activity though. As I said he goes to playgroup 4 times a week where he gets at least an hour of "running" around if not more. We also go to toddler group twice a week and tumble tots once a week. On top of that we go swimming once or twice a week, the park and soft play or just for walks.

We always take things at his speed pretty much but then he doesn't really ask to do things very often. The only thing I say no to is on a Monday when he asks to go to the park after playgroup but I can't take him because I have work. Or sometimes I will say no if it's raining or been raining and i haven't got his waterproofs with me.

phdlife · 04/06/2009 12:32

flamingo I am doing my best but he's growing/learning new skills (such as opening the drawers in the bathroom sink unit, to climb them) so fast I am struggling to keep up with what he can reach! And this house, I am discovering, is not particularly well-endowed with shelves

baskingseals · 04/06/2009 13:16

nappyaddict - do you feel you are the kind of mum you want to be? When my DD was a toddler I was doing things v differently to my mates. I found I had to give myself permission to love her the way I wanted to - just allow myself to pretty much go with my instincts and ignore what felt like outside pressure to do things in a prescribed way. I really feel that if you are comfortable with what you are doing, then that IS the right thing for your DC. If there are aspects about your parenting that you would like to change, you might have to let go of old standards and priorities and really work out what is and isn't important to you. This can be very scary as there is safety in numbers, but also it can be extremely liberating.

phdlife · 04/06/2009 13:49

that's rather wise, baskingseals. I struggle with that, but I am trying...

stirlingstar · 04/06/2009 21:02

Hi All - have found this thread and the 'UP in a nutshell' one really interesting - given me lots of food for thought and have tried some of the ideas out today and yesterday.

I have toddler DS1 (2.4) and baby DS2, and am wondering whether some of the stuff is more relevant for older children and less realistic for the very young. DS1 can reason about some things, but not yet great at understanding consequences that aren't immediate and also doesn't yet have good enough speach to have full discussion with - though abviously both improving all the time.

Can anyone share experiences of potty training without praise/reward? That's coming up on the horizon for us...

Thanks

nappyaddict · 04/06/2009 22:17

I have another question

Would me telling DS if he scratches I will have to trim his nails be in line with the whole UP thing bearing in mind he hates having his nails done and it usually makes him cry.