Unconditional Parenting in a nutshell (I know this is incredibly lazy)

[SuperBunny]

I am embarrassed to do this but I haven't been able to read the book and need some quick Dos and Don'ts til I can get hold of the book again.

I have read some of the old threads but was really hoping that some nice person could give me a couple of bullet points about unconditional parenting.

I will be very grateful.

thanks flamingo. She doesn't actually want to go to bed with nothing on, she would be quite upset I think, it's just that she has no idea about timescales.

I'd love her to sleep in later in the mornings, but she wakes up at the same time regardless of what time she's gone to bed. So if she gets to sleep much later than 7.30, she is tired & miserable in the morning. I can't really start the bedtime stuff much earlier - what I'm doing at the moment is 5.00 supper, 6.00 bath and then I need to leave dd1 in front of cbeebies by about 6.30 so I can put the baby to bed and then put dd1 to bed at 7.00. It's a bit tight, but I can't see a better way of doing it.

I often end up just brushing her teeth myself, but it makes her miserable. She'd rather do it herself, but life is too short.

The trouble with getting off the loo is that she enjoys sitting there making up stories or looking at books, and then pretends she still needs to be there and won't get off. So then I can't get her into the bath in time!

It's maddening.

Hm, I wonder if the checklist idea might entertain her. I'll give it a try.

Though I'm only asking her to do one thing at a time.

Is she doing it on the go-slow to make sure she gets lots of your attention? DD did that. And was clearly not disturbed by the fact she wasn't getting great attention.

If you think she might be. Do the checklist, and high quality chatting and attention-giving. Even say, 'you do the checklist, then we can spend this time talking about your songs and you can tell me stories, and it'll be a lot more interesting than me standing here saying 'get in the bath.' How about that? That's what I'd do - when feeling patient.

what about cutting out as much as possible? can you do baths in the morning, or just bath every few days unless she's really grubby?

I think if you have a dawdling child, you probably need to look at yourself and find ways that you can slow down to meet her pace a bit easier. I mean, she's not going to change, so the only thing you can do is either get very stressed out about it, or change things so that her personality can be accomodated more easily in your lives

They get some control over the check list see, it's rewarding in itself, and they are in charge, not you with your crazy nagging. You are sitting there saying 'uhuh, you did? How interesting. Yes, I'd love to hear that song again, what's next on your checklist?'

Sorry. We're not helping SB here.

hundred times - I fear it's not for attention. She'd be quite happy for me to go away and leave her to it, making up stories and songs and talking to her imaginary friends!

flamingo, I think you're probably right. I should admit defeat and find another route. I do skip her bath quite often and just leave her on the loo while I bath her sister, but even so it can feel a bit fraught!

Very sorry, you're right hundredtimes, I have completely hijacked. Sorry! Am probably doing it for attention and if you ignore me I will stop it!

Ah but you need the attention, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for it. I can see that. There are no punishments on this thread Areanea.

She sounds divine. I love her! I wouldn't like to be in charge of trying to get her into bed though. She sounds just like what my ds2 was like, and still is often enough. Ride it out, drop a couple of bath times, tell her you've got the MOST amazing book to read, hurry along dear, have you done your checklist.

Right. SB now. Everyone think about SB

100times.

Maybe it would help if you looked at it from a different angle, Aranea? Maybe saw it as a fantastic way to have some really quality, pleasant time with her. I bet she'll grow up saying 'I used to love my bedtimes, Mummy and me used to have lovely big conversations - it was really special'

oh god bunny i don't know, this is what i am rubbish at - summing things up
search for threads with avi on, she is great on it

"Titchy - Can someone explain the no rewards bit to me? Is the idea around UP to get them to do things for their own sake? So no praise if they've done something particularly well, becuase doing it well is its own reward, or have I got this bit wrong?

I think you have got that bit wrong. I think everybody likes their efforts to be appreciated sometimes. Look at this extract from Flamingobingos links:
"Positive feedback that is perceived as information is not in itself destructive and indeed can be quite constructive, educationally speaking. And encouragement?helping people feel acknowledged so that their interest in a task is redoubled?is not a bad thing"

I don't think it is withholding love is it? You're not saying 'you're a dreadful human being, I can't stand you when you're doing this - go to your room. You've made mummy very very cross and she doesn't want you anywhere near her.'

You are saying 'You've thrown the train at Horace and hurt his ear, poor Horace, nobody wants a train thrown at them, and now you're screaming at me. Enough. Go sit in your room and come back out when you've stopped screaming so we can do xyz which we're both looking forward to doing. Scoot junior, I'll see you in ten minutes.'

With confidence but not anger. I think I might parent with conditions though. Let's wait for Avi.

yes there is a difference from the supernanny 'great job!!!' and the UP 'did you enjoy making that?'

She is divine, I know that when I'm not in the actual situation of trying to achieve anything. Which is why I feel so awful about shouting at her!

I try, flamingo, I really do. It would be so much easier if it was just her and I could concentrate on talking to her and not wrangling a screamy baby who needs to get to bed. I suppose I feel sad really because I want her to remember it all as special and intimate and at the moment it isn't at all.

But yes, you are right, I need to just completely change my attitude. I am a fast-paced person myself and get frustrated when things don't happen efficiently, especially when I've got my agenda so clearly in my own head. And I know that poor old dd1 doesn't have the same agenda.

Sorry, SB, really am shutting up now.

No but that's what a child understands it as, ahundredtimes. That's the point. Their emotions are so immature that all they see is that they're only loved when they behave nicely.

(oh yes, I'm like that too. Don't feel bad about it. It's life all this stuff. She probably doesn't even notice you are cross, she's too busy dawdling and dreaming. Tell her 'all this bathroom business is boring as hell it's just the things we need to do, but I think it's dull as well. So, do the checklist lickety split, then you'll have more time for thinking and playing when the boring stuff is done.' That might sink in eventually)

yes, can totally relate to you Aranea. YOu know, I sound like I think I'm a perfect parent, but I so am not. It's easy, when you look at something objectively, to know the right thing to do, but you can't look at something objectively when you're in the situation, and when you have emotional involvement in it. My children drive me absolutely mad, and I know it's my issue, not their's - they're just living out their own little lives and i'm complaining about it because it doesn't fit in with mine .

But Flamingobing, it shouldn't just be about you fitting in with their lives. They should be learning to fit in with your life. We all need to learn to live together and children have a great opportunity to learn that in a safe environment within their own family.
It doesn't hurt for Areana to go along with her dd dreamworld but at the same time being firm and chivvying her along here and there. Once her dd is in bed, then she can indulge her dreaminess to her hearts content. However, keeping calm and shoutiness to mininmum or getting rid of it altogether can make for a much better experience all round. Accepting that it's not all going to go exactly to Areana's plan would help her to stay calm. Starting the bedtime routine a bit earlier would allow for more daydreaming if necessary and less tension on Areana's part.

Can I ask some questions too please

Sometimes when we go shopping DS will ask for a toy/book/some sweets or to go on one of those rides you put money in. It's never a planned shopping trip to specifically get him something iyswim he might just see something that he likes the look of. Sometimes I agree to get him it or to go on the ride and sometimes I say no. Now say we are in a shop and he hits/bites/pinches me and then 5 minutes later asks for something or to go on one of the rides do I let him or not?

I know I said I'd shut up but....

juuule, what do I do when being firm and chivvying just doesn't work? She just pretends she hasn't heard me and starts talking about something else.

I start the bedtime routine as early as I can I think. Supper is a bit of a protracted affair too, but that works for me as it's also a bit messy with dd2 who is 7 months. So I can very rarely get them upstairs into the bathroom before 6.00.

When he hits/bites/pinches you, address that at the time it happens. Speak to him. I would frown, say no and let him know that you didn't like it.

When he wants to go on the ride, treat it like a separate issue and if you were okay about him going on it before, let him go on it anyway. Remind him how it's nice when people are nice to each other.

However, if the hit/bite/pinch is part of ongoing bad behaviour during your shopping trip then I would be trying to get home as soon as possible to end the shopping trip and probably say no, maybe next time.

Have you tried getting the baby bathed etc and completely ready for bed before starting on your dd? Then you only need to give the baby minimal attention. Let your dd daydream while you are doing the baby. Then when it's dd turn focus on her. Join her in her storytelling but include toothbrushing, bath and stuff in the story. Let her lead and you suggest. Offer to do her teeth for her and let her know why we brush our teeth so that she thinks about not having any teeth or painful teeth if she doesn't do them.

There is no harm in you doing these things for her. Get her undressed, bathed, teeth brushed, dressed for bed and into bed. All done. If she's very daydreamy she probably won't object and will be glad to be spared interrupting her thoughts.

Am really new to this website, have found it saved my sanity though. My ds is 4.5, we've never had the best relationship due to his tantrums from 2 years old and is a bit of a dreamer, wouldn't get dressed, do what I ask him to do etc... and I would just continually shout and snap at him. Then he would get even more dreamlike and I would be even more miserable. It would be like he was shutting himself out of reality. I was so concerned that I truly thought he had add.

The last 3-4 days have been different - I tell myself he is still young and needs help, I literally swallow my anger/frustration with him and talk firmly but slowly to him. I actually am calmer with him but in harder times I still use the naughty step technique. If I need him to do something and he's playing then I'll ask him to do it, take the toy out of his hand and say that when he's finished he can play with his toy again. He seems happier at the moment and the tantrums and the daydreaming seems to be disappearing.

I'm certainly not the perfect mother but it's trying different things.

I have got the explantion of why we shouldn't do XYZ down to a T now thanks to threads on here. Have been trying to do UP for a few months now and really like t but find it hard to apply things in the book to RL situations sometimes. Another couple of questions.

If you have another child over on a playdate or you are supposed to be going on one at another child's house and your child starts playing up and having a tantrum, throwing stuff, snatching etc do you say X will have to go home then or right we are staying here you can't go to X's house?

If they start playing up say at toddlers, tumble tots, dance, soft play centre, park do you say right we have to leave then? Do you leave if they hurt you or just other children?

i'd ask dd if she wanted to leave. seeings as that might be the issue. i'd ask her what's making her cross..usually it's boredom. but mostly i try to prevent such things getting to tantrum stage.

with the ride on situation if i have a spare quid then fine she can have a go. if i don't have a spare quid then i tell her i don't have it bit she can sit on and pretend it's going round. she's happy with that. she knows if i had the quid then she could go on it, she knows i don't say no to things for no reason.