Unconditional Parenting in a nutshell (I know this is incredibly lazy)

[SuperBunny]

I am embarrassed to do this but I haven't been able to read the book and need some quick Dos and Don'ts til I can get hold of the book again.

I have read some of the old threads but was really hoping that some nice person could give me a couple of bullet points about unconditional parenting.

I will be very grateful.

I have decided the ball ache of bathing and hairwashing is just not worth it. He doesn't get particularly dirty so it's hands, bum and face as and when during the day from now on. If he ends up rolling around in mud or whatever then it will be a quick flannel wash.

Someone has recommended this for toothbrushing. They just chew it and somehow it magically cleans their teeth.

If you don't need to buy anything else from them though it probably works out cheaper to just get one from mothercare.

Okay how would you get round this one?

DS (3) would not leave a friend's house last week. It was teatime and we had to get on, and so did my friend! I tried explaining why we had to leave, I tried distration and stories and yes I resorted to bribery with stickers.

Nothing worked and he refused point blank to leave. Now I did completely see it from his point of view, he was having so much fun there! But I just couldn't dawdle any longer. I'm afraid I ended up dragging him screaming and kicking . I am 40 weeks pregannt at the moment, so finding these situations tough.

He did calm down by the time we got into my friend's house (we were in garden) but I felt awful being so physical with him.

How would you have used UP in this situation?

one direction is the offer-to-cook-tea-for-everyone at the friend's house tactic.

Another is let's-all-go-to-our-house-and-have-tea-there

another is let's-all-go-to-the-cafe-down-the-road (after which you all weave bye bye cheerfully)

another is where you just leave the topic alone for 15 mins, and wait for the next obvious break in the game before suggesting going to do something splendid

promising to come back tomorrow/next week, or to have the friends to visit?

When I am the hostess, I often find that if I can offer the visiting child to borrow the toy they are playing with, or another one they love, or a heap of books they like, or some dressing up clothes or something, that can really help. Obviously it as to be done without annoying the children who live in the house... but it also is then lovely when those things come back in a week or two - it's like Christmas, even though the objects haven't been missed!

sometimes I make sure I have food packed so we can eat when hungry without outstaying our welcome. And I definitely have friends who do that every time when they come to visit us.

This isn't exhaustive, of course, but there might be a gem for you in it.

wave bye bye. though weaving bye bye is a nice image.

I would be a bit horrified if I was the friend and you were offering to cook tea in my house ommmward-I would be wanting the friend to go and put my feet up having already entertained him for quite a while!!
My DS had a friend who would never go-it was quite nice that he liked our house so much but it was a real pain.
Now that it has happened I would have a quiet word and say that when you are ready to go, you are ready to go, and he won't be able to go to the friends house if he won't come away without a fuss.Promise to give him a 5 minute (or so) warning but then it will be time to leave.

Thanks for tips, I like the idea of just leaving the subject for 15 mins and distracting at given opportunity.

I really am trying to use punishments and rewards less, as I feel I have been bribing my DS too much with treats/TV/Toys.

Love the idea of unconditional parenting

Yes don't think the first two options would have been suitable.

pisces, it was a brainstorm!!!! there are some situations where everyone would be totally happy with that idea and others where it wouldn't be a good idea. I can assure you that if we ever met IRL I would be likely to pick up the vibe that offering my child a trip to our fave cafe would likely be a better plan!

rose my ds was just the same. After the first time, I was prepared, so next time I had a suitable distraction in my bag to encourage him home (a torch, it was winter and dark, you'll have to think of something else in the summer lol).

omm's idea of borrowing a toy has also worked well for visiting kids.

I love it when people offer to cook in my house!

Although I'm a meal planner so it'd be like that TV programme where they have to rustle something up with preselected ingredients.

You lot inspired me to read the UP book...the philosophy really does chime with me and I am putting it into practice...although I do find it much easier with my older children ... who have been on a short leash for years...so they think it is great. Struggle with the 3 year old... but I will give it a try as it is only her on her own. I really dont know how I would ahve achieved this when I had 3 under 3. But the approach is good and it feels like the right time for my family now. The book really challenged how I was brought up (quite boot camp)... and I had a lot of reflection on this and could relate to the suggested negative outcome of this kind of parenting. I do think that I am much more enlightened with my own children so had already come some way to UP on my own. My children are quite compliant now...so wonder if that is because they I have gone further down the UP route than I realised...or if they are just used to bumping along with the busy structure that ios our family environment.