Do mum's prefer sons?

[emilytankengine]

A few things have happened in my life and recently that makes me wonder??

I have a son whos 11 and 2 daughters, 8 and 3 and i love them with all my heart exactly the same. At times i prefer one to the others but this is only due to how they are behaving at a particular time.They are all my life though and i would die for all 3!!

I have 2 older brothers and always thought my mother loved my middle brother more than me and he was the favourite. I now understand its not that she loved him more it was just he was much better behaved than me and my eldest brother.I was infact a little cow. But i have made up for it now and now think im my mums favourite!! hehe.

im expecting my 3rd son in 3 weeks and people have actually said how sorry they are to me and asking if im a bit dissapointed.
im just happy to be having a baby and if i have a 4th its because i want another baby not a boy/girl.
its the first time ive found out the sex and wouldnt next time purely because of other peoples reactions.
my 2 ds are like chalk and cheese so its hard to say which sex is easier.
they are both loving, to be honest my main worry about having a little girl is that looking back i was a right cow growing up though in my eyes it was my mum and dad being unreasonable and i really dont want a teenage version of me..

verygreenlawn, you are so wise! I too abhore the sound of those martyred cliche's. Boys are equally as capable of housework and ironing. The old values go back to the hunter/gatherer days when men went out to kill the food whilst women stayed at home, gathered fruit and kindling, made fires and nurtured babies. The woman was so relieved to see her mate return safe with food, as it ensured the continuance of her self and family, and so she showed her appreciation by showering him with attention - the warmest spot by the fire, the best cut of the meat etc etc ... Society operated like this for centuries, but today's girls have to go out hunting for sustenance and then revert to gatherers/home makers at the end of the working day, no-one will warm slippers and put fresh linen on the bed for them, will they? No wonder we can multi-task! Girls were trained to serve historically, so thank god for pioneers like Mrs. Pankhurst or where would we be today?

My mother loves playing the victim and in so doing delights in heaping all her dissatisfaction and negativity of her life onto me. But to the outside world she is a cheerful woman (she's defo psychitsophrenic). Its not easy. It was nice to read you saying that you love your Mother, made me feel that your experience wasn't so bad as mine. I had to be responsible for my brother, and if he was naughty it was always my fault for not watching over him. And of course he was sooo lovely...! My parents lived in with her parents when I was born, where aunties lived around the corner etc. Mother returned to work when I was 8 months old so Grandma brought me up and I absolutely adored her. When I started school Mother gave up work and we had our own flat. A year later brother appeared. She was very hard on me, always angry and shouting. I think that she was struggling to cope with new baby and wanted more than she got from Dad. None of this was my fault, yet I have always carried the can for it - because I am far too much like Dad for her liking.

I wish I had been a Mum, I would have been so aware of what not to do. In my opinion its the old chestnut of nature v nurture that is important. Yes, I was well mannered, well fed, immaculately clean (well, when I left for school in the morning) etc, but I never felt loved, always bullied. My brother on the other hand had a wonderfully warm relationship with her until 18 months ago.... And now she is left with me to take her through her final journey which is defo not how she imagined it x

That's so hard, ANGEL61, when no-one else can see it. Really feel for you. I know others have experienced worse than me, my sis-in-law has really suffered at the hands of her parents who blatantly favour her brother (he was privately educated, she wasn't - and is still, despite being in his 30s with a family of his own and in a good job, getting handouts and excuses made for him - she meanwhile has just got on with life and made her own way).

Afraid I definitely subscribe to the Philip Larkin description of being a parent - or rather I think it's a bit of a miracle if they DON'T f* you up!

Ah thank you for your empathy Verygreenlawn. I console myself with the knowledge that I am thankfully intelligent (very like Daddy) whereas she is not so in her ignorance she will never change. I don;t look for her love or approval, never did, must have learned really young that it was futile to home. Anyway, very close to Daddy most of the time (he didn;t like me having boyfriends, usual protective stuff). Miss him, he died 4 years back. Poor sod had a hell of a life with her and her family thought he was bad tempered...!

I've read the book you mention, and by God yes it is true.

Your children are very fortunate to have you as a mum x

My mum had three girls, and I have a dd. I never cared what the sex of my baby was, I would have loved a boy just as much as my dd because he would have been my baby.

When I've spoken to my mum about this in the past, I've asked her if she would have liked a boy. Her response:

"Yes, I would have loved a boy. But then I'd ask myself which one of my daughters I'd give up to have a son instead, and thought, nah, you can stuff it! I love my girls!"

She's just happy with what she was given, not because of the child's sex, but because she has three children that she loves completely. Even when the middle one turned round and said 'hey mum, I'm pregnant!' when she was 19!

What a lovely Mum CatchaStar! Babies are truly heaven's gifts - whatever their sex.

I heard a story yesterday where a mother delivered a daughter, but because she loved her first born son so much, she wouldn;t even look at the child til she was 6 months old. She didn;t want anything to spoil the relationship between her and son. 25 years later, the son is a waster and mother and daughter are so close. I am so happy for the daughter - could have been so very nasty.

I think that some Mothers are so desperate to be needed that they become obsessive about their sons. The boys, naturally are happy to lap all the attention up!

Its the Mothers who have the dependency really, nothing to do with their 'helpless' sons. How often do we hear of Mothers being being totally consumed by their daughters?

Oddly, I would have had a son myself. I would hope that he'd have been a well balanced modern man!!

And thank you for your kind words. The oldest two 6 and 4 have just been helping me hang out the washing so I truly believe in starting them early! And as I have no daughters (and won't be having any more dcs) how lovely it would be to see them partnered up in the future with lovely girls who are NOT expected to do their cleaning and ironing! x

My mum has 6 boys (and 3 girls) and never seemed to prefer the boys - although they definitely got away with doing less housework. If anything, mum and I were closest in the family and remain so even today (but then I was the first girl after 5 boys which explains it a bit!) Because of our relationship, I admit that I secretly wanted a girl and was delighted when dd (now 2.5) was born. When I got pregnant again 8 mths later I honestly didn't have any preference but was delighted when it turned out to be a boy. I can honestly say that I love both ds and dd equally but not exactly in the same way as they are completely different personalities. DD is very independent and sparky and while can be very loving, is generally too busy chatting and exploring for all the cuddly stuff. DS is very much into his mum and loves to be cuddled and kissed and doing same back to me.

Nice to hear a level comment from a mum who recognises the differences in personalities of her children, but who doesn't judge them by it. which one of your children is most like you jennymac?

Wonder if a stay-at-home-father would insist that his sons do most of the housework and allow his daughters to go out to play???

My daughter would be very like me and my mum Angel61 while my son reminds me of my much adored youngest brother (which maybe explains why he dotes on my son so much!)

so goes back to article that Titania Hardie wrote. like attracts like then! i have a 14 year old niece who is very different to me - shy and unassuming. her brother is 11 and so like me as a child - he's confident and quick to pick things up. yet the bond I have with niece has always been strong, I love her because she's a chick and I encourage her as much as I can. nephew is a hoot, and i am so proud that he has no hang ups and does well at school but his obvious kinsmanship to me doesn;t make me love him any more than her.

i had it pretty rough as a child, but i'm grateful for the experience in a strange way, for it has taught me how wrong it is to make distinctions and show favouritism between siblings.

what a lovely and eye opening thread this is

jennymac how lovely to be the first girl after five big brothers!

I have to say i secretly hoped for a gilr (probably cause i am one and its what i know) but now i have ds i can honestly say i would be happy if i had another boy. I love imagining him grown into a man and looking after me in my old age ( i hope!)

Broodymomma I hope your son lives up to your expectations. In my experience, and lots of the girls on this thread, sons rarely take care of elderly parents - that's 'women's work' don't you know??!!

I never felt favoritism relating to sex, but definitely feel that as the oldest I was encouraged less, and expected to 'get on with it' more than my two younger brothers. I was always very independent and, if I'm honest, not massively affectionate... That said, I've always felt that my dad favoured me a bit, not in a very mushy way, just that he let me get away with more, and was more likely to let me stay off school or not tidy my room. My mum always favours my youngest brother, although nowhere near as obviously as some of the stories in here. I was quite a bit older and always tried to favour my middle brother a bit, as a sort of compensation for not 'having' either parent.

I've also always been a lot more independent, from a very young age I'd rather spend my pocket money on bus fare or cinema tickets - stuff my parents deemed 'essentials' and would pay for than ask my them, similarly at birthdays and christmas never asked for big/expensive presents because it didn't seem fair. My brothers had no such qualms and would write lists months ahead full of expensive toys. Don't know if this is a boy/girl thing or an older/younger thing or just an I'm-odd thing!

I have 6 boys and 2 girls. I do 'get-on' better with all my boys. But then i do get on better with men that women generally.

I find girls are harder work...at all ages. But that might be just my girls.

I must say when I was pg if asked I would have preferred a boy and was almost convinced that it was a boy - although tried to keep an open mind.

The only reason I would have chosen boy was because I have a younger brother who I am close to. Was envious of my sister when her scan showed she was having a boy. Ironically she chose to find out the sex because she would have preferred a girl.

My DH always said he would like a girl and I was nervous in case he wouldn't be able to bond with a boy. When I asked him why he would prefer a girl he said that she wouldn't have to go through things he has gone through and that he wasn't sure he could be a good male role model for a boy (I disagree- think he would be the best!).

Anyhow we had a girl and as soon as they said the words, 'It's a girl!' my very first thought was, 'My little girl!' and I loved her straight away and now could not imagine life with a little boy and slightly nervous about getting one in future. But if the first experience taught me anything it was that boy or girl I will absolutely adore them and as soon as they arrive it will be as if they were never absent.

My parents had one of each and i didn't percieve any favouritism at all but my brother (younger) was/is certainly a lot needier than i was/am and was quite clingy with my mum.

Also should say that I haven't had the easiest relationship with my Mum but neither did she with hers (who was brought up by an aunt after her Mum died when she 3 mths old ). I know there are daughters who are very close to their mums and I want to be like this with my DD.

I spoke to my Mum about it the other day (briefly) and for the first time me saying something slightly critical didn't escalate into a full scale row.

I realise as I get older that she had other things going on in her life that I didn't really know about and that it is not always possible to know the best way to deal with another person - particularly as I am so different from my sister. What I do wish is that she had not only listened but heard and acted on what I was saying rather than turning things back on me, 'Well you always do/ say/ behave etc'.

I think trying to really listen to my DD is a good start in not having a similar relationship.

My mum has always said she finds mums of sons irritating. I have certainly known families where the son has been privately educated and the girls have gone to a state school....and one was quite recent where the children are all now in their late teens and early 20s (a family of four and the son was the third child so not the oldest or youngest which might explain it).

But my mum only had me. I only have a son and I do find the SMOGs irritating (they always go on about how rough boys are - like all boys are the same!), so you probably do prefer what you have (and I wanted a girl). The one thing about having a boy is that everyone's expectations are so much lower - and if you have low expectations you get low achievement. We should expect all our children to aim high and achieve as well as they can for their ability, regardless of gender.

When pregnant with my first I really really wanted a girl-DS is now 3.9 needless to say I adored him from the moment he popped- also now have DD 9 months.
I think my love for them is different perhaps more due to their different personalities than gender? DD seems more self sufficient (dream baby compared to DS) and DS more needy somehow. But it is different in quality rather than amount.
My mum definitely still favours my brothers and we had a stormy time in the teenage years but that is partly why I wanted a daughter-I wanted to be a better mother to a daughter than I felt my mum was-to sort of break the cycle.

I don't think I have any ideas about boys being more rowdy etc based on my observations of the boys I know. I keep looking for gender differences but can't see any obvious boy/ girl divide. They are just all individuals with individual levels of mess/ noise/ cuddliness.

Even if I did I would see it as a cause for celebration and an interesting difference rather than congratulating myself that I had a 'nice, quiet' girl.

What are SMOGs???