Do mum's prefer sons?

[emilytankengine]

A few things have happened in my life and recently that makes me wonder??

I have 2 sons so no problem with sexist favouritism. unfortunately i think i'm closer to youngest as oldest was prem and i struggled emotionally for ages. we are close but oldest is very like me. i am oldest of 4, with the youngest being only boy and i know how you automatically make the older one grow up quicker. youngest is more confident as we are more confident parents. as for boys shining, i find a lot of negative talk of boys being lazy when it comes to potty training. people would never say girls are lazy!

My mother has always adored my younger brother, complimented his looks and good nature and she always passed me off as being 'just like your Dad'. I grew up feeling like an ugly freak, not fitting in to her family mould of housework obsessed plain women.. She still insists that little boys are more loving, which is a mockery really when her Golden Son has not spoken or visited for 18 months because she dared to criticise his actions.... I read a great article by Titania Hardie who wrote The Rose Labyrinth and she has brave enough to say that of her two daughters she favours the one who's characterists more parellel her own which I thought was closer to the mark. Little boys are too whiney (well, my little brother was and I resented having to pander to him every whim!!)

this is an interesting thread.. my sister was really annoyed when i had ds as she had had the only boy in the family, everyone else having girls. my mum used to make my sister run about after her and pops and oler bro as "boys don;t do housework" massive age gap between me and older siblings so ws bought up as only child. i didn;t have to do any housework, was 17 before could use washing machine.
my dh has 2 brothers and the first one is favoured. his parents are seem to resent my dh when he is successful and think that the favourite son should have all the luck, its a family joke but it really makes me angry, to see dh trying to make them proud and them blanking him.

lol hassled

I wonder if this is the reason that so many women have self esteem issues. There seems to be so much 'boy favouritism' from the older generation. (DPs parents included!)

Equally, I'm sure being worshipped like little gods does men no favours

God no. I have 2 boys and 1 girl and can say hand on heart I love all of them exactly the same.

They all have their own different faults and lovely qualities (like we all have) and can all drive me totally insane but there is no way I love 1 even a fraction more.

I don't think any of my friends who have both genders favour one either. Having said that maybe they wouldn't discuss it if they did.

I think it's really sad that so many women of our generation seem to have suffered from their brothers being preferred to them

I had 2 older brothers and must admit that i never felt that i was any less well thought of then them, but that could be down to me being the long awaited daughter!

The older generation piss me off with their "boys tend to be more loving" and "girls tend to me more bitchy" argument....maybe that's cos of the way they favoured their boys!

the tables have turned i think

it is all 'princess' on board now

Interesting thread. I think whoever said that birth order was significant is right. My situation is quite fortunate in that I am the eldest, bro in the middle and sis the youngest, so we all have our place, I'm 'special' as I am the first born (also the the most 'successful academically etc.), my bro was always the 'man of the house' (the 'fathers' in our lives were all twats and not around for long) and my sister is the baby and the most like my mum so she indulges her. She was also always the worst behaved.

However I always felt hard done by for being the eldest, I babysat day and night while my mum worked from the age of 13 and it caused a horrible relationship with my bro and sis that we are only just reparing. Also my dad has 2 little boys a lot younger than me who he has actually bought up (rather than me who he didn't see between the ages of 2 and 11 for reasons that were partly his fault and partly not). A few years ago I said to him that I felt he loved them more than me and he said of course he did, it was different

Basically I think there is often more going on than just gender. I do worry that DD and I might clash in personality as she gets older, or what if I have another child who I like more than her . I never thought that before I had a child. When I heard people worrying about not loving a subsequent child I thought it was ridiculous. But now I have had a child I worry about it more.

I think it is important to be honest with each other as mothers. We are only human and it is natural to prefer different children and find some easier. We shouldn't feel guilty about it and for those who say it is imcomprehensible, well, I imagine that makes those who do struggle with it feel even worse. You have to accept differences in children. The myth is that because we are parents we should be perfect and not even dream about treating our children differently. I have had to accept that for reasons beyond his control my dad loves his sons more than me. He is only human and can't help how he feels. It's important that we treat our children with equal respect and love though.

Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble

I am shocked that anyone would openly admit to having a favourite, and not think it hurtful? I have 3 younger half-brothers, (mum&dad split up & remarried) my dad told me once that I was and always would be his favourite as I was his 'little girl'. Now as nice as that was to hear imagine if my brothers knew, surely you can't admit things like that!

Bumper at your post

I agree with what you say though...

Are your dads younger sons much younger than you I wonder?

My bro's are 10 and 11, so about 17 years difference. My dad and I always had a crap relationship having not known each other when I was younger, so it's all in a context. I'm over it now, I just have to accept him for who he is and not have any expectations of him, that's when it was always upsetting, expecting to have the same relationship as other people had with their dad's. You can't force it. C'est la vie.

I dont think he is having foresight

i think in time he will see he loves you all the same

they are his babies right now but when they are men he will see that you are his baby too.....

Shitty parents are rubbish aren't they x

I have one DS who I love to bits, but can honestly say that if he's been a DD, I would have felt exactly the same. I'm just thrilled to have a healthy beautiful child. People exaggerate gender differences and quote stereotypes about little boys being wild or teenage girls being nightmares, but I reckon that if you expect problems, that is what you may get, as you could be subconsciously moulding the child to behave in that way.

My mother-in-law came over from Ireland to see my new DS and announced (in front of my hubby!) that girls are better than boys. However, I also know of two different mothers who have produced one of each, but have totally and blatantly favoured the boy in thoughts, words and actions well into adulthood, to the detriment of their poor DDs.

People are strange. What can you do about it?

A friend of mine who had 2 dds and then a ds recently said to me "It's true - it is different with boys - you are closer to them".

Obviously this is how she feels but I felt a bit sorry for her dds. I have 1 dd and I felt a bit as if she was suggesting her love for her ds was greater than mine for my dd. Maybe I was being a bit oversensitive to her comment.

dd - she was a horrible child. I think a couple of things factor here. I was a young mum of 3 under 5, two of which were twins. So DDs twin was a perfect baby. DD went in SCBU, was ill and demanding for the first part of her life. She continued to be demanding and ill through her toddler years and through infant school. It became easier in junior school and i eventually came to like her around that time.

So as i have got older -i have chilled out a bit and as she has got older, she is able to communicate and reason and converse in an intelligent manner.

out of my 3 chilren - 2 boys and one girl - all at the moment teenagers.

I really really really like my girl.

When younger - the boys would run off - climb a tree , ride a bike and generally be independant - i liked that - the way they weren't clinging to me leeching my very lifes BLOOD ( it felt that way with her sometimes)

Now DDs twin is in a 'prat' phase - he is 16 but acts like he is 8 - and it is beginning to piss me off.

My eldest - is a constant worry for many different reasons.

DD - is usually nice. easy to like.

what i meant to conclude with that illustration of my family life - is that - it can seem that boys are easier to love when they are smaller - but i think girls come into their own later

I have 2 of each.

First was ds - i have a really great bond with him and we are close.

DD as a bady was a dream - hence ds2 only 17months later. He was a nightmare and really hard to bond with.

Surprise 6 years later another dd (the only thing that kept me going through the pregnancy as i didnt want another horrid ds).

As they have grown up i am still very close ot ds1 (but that may be because he is pfb), and have a good relationship with dd1.

I still find my ds2 hard work and my dd2 is just so hyper and needs all my attention so it is hard.

I had a great relationship with my dad but not with my mum.

I think why it is seen as a gender thing is that i 'know' how girls think but i find it facinating talking to ds1 as he really does think in a different way, iyswim.

My MIL (who is actually a lovely MIL) used to go on about sons being so much easier, they're straightforward and open, girls are bitchy bla bla bla. I make sure she gets plenty of exposure to my little drama queen of a son...

I don't think she really would have favoured her sons if she'd actually had any daughters, it was just her way of being contented with what she had.

She also used to go on a lot about how good and hardworking her youngest (my ds) was. To dd's great delight we found his school reports when we were clearing out her house last month...

No malice in her, she is just a person who tells the same story over and over again.

Very interesting topic, as i have noticed often that in a family where the child is an only they are more likely to be boys! Wonder if there are any statistics.

I am an only child and both my parents were the younger of two (both same sex siblings) and both of them were very aware that they were not the favourite (my mum's mum actually told her she was an accident and it was even more disappointing that she was a girl!!! Bye bye my mum's confidence and self worth!) I often felt that my dad would have given more of a shit about me if I had been boy but that was the least of my worries with him....

As for me my DS is wonderful and we were both glad he was a boy, we are currently trying for number 2 (not as i type like...!) and we don't mind what it is. I always had a thing against girls as I was/am hormonal monthly and dread that clash with a daughter! And i also fall for the girls are nastier bit - but that's to do with parenting (obviously). I now work in a school and can say that when i was working with 6/7 year olds as many girls were wonderful as the boys. Now i work with 4 year olds and i must say (in my class) the boys are, in general, more likable than the girls. The other TA in the class said she finds that boys are easy to read and obvious while girls often give the impression that there's something going on in their heads that you don't know about.

I live next door to 2 children - him we never hear anything from while she was throwing mud in my garden the other day (she is 2 years older at about 11!) then in the other direction there is a horrid tweenage girl who shouts rude things at you from behind her net curtain but all the boys of the same age will ride their bikes around you so as not to get in your way!!!

This is just my personal dealings with other people's children. As i said though, if we are luckily enough to have another baby we don't mind either way. I'd just worry when teenage arrives!!

I'm an only child and my dad was determined I would be a girl - luckily I was - and we had the close relationship, sorry mum! My mum was the elder sister to a favourite brother - not fun at all for her.

I have an only child (so far anyway!). And dp and I both really wanted a girl. And we got one!

But now I have my girl, I think I would be ok about a boy if I had another. Tho' think it is easier to imagine life with two girls.

I know people say boys are more affectionate, but my dd is a lovely, happy, affectionate girl so far!

In response to Jakesmum05's remark about her Grandmother telling her mother she was an accident; well I have had that one thrown at me all my life. Born 1yr 5days post marriage, my mother has regularly told me how she didn;t want to be pregnant so early,lived in with parents; so she downed copious quantities of gin and took hot baths. She insists my father wanted a son, Stephen they would call him - alas I was wrong sex. What on earth shall we call HER?? All my life she has told me of having to be induced because I didn;t want to come out, the horrific 12 hr labour and the excruciating birth with resulting 30 stitches. Unfortunately for her, I immediately became the ultimate Daddy's Girl, the absolute image of him too, and that clearly annoyed her while she struggled to keep Dad at home... 6 years later, along comes little brother, planned of course because apparently I was becoming too spoilt. Think she hoped my brothers arrival would take the shine off me from my Dad's affection - here is the boy that you originally wanted, much better than your daughter. Thankfully the father/daughter bond had been cast in granite and oddly enough the boy seemed only to irritate him!!??

In my experience, where the mother is overly critical of the daughter is is spawn of that dreaded disease called JEALOUSY. Its so easy to love your little son, he's helpless and absolutely no competition at all.

The favoured son is very much an older mum generation thing, and thankfully from reading your posts, it is clearly a dying bad habit! It is true that it depends upon the family dynamics and the relationship between the parents, but thankfully mothers today are much more educated and they are proud of their girls!

I don't think it's so much a question of gender as of preferential treatment - and am still shocked by how boys are babied by their mothers to a later age. Did you see the Channel 4 programme where they left the kids alone - and the boys could hardly make toast but all the girls could cook?? That's not down to the boys - it's us mums!! We owe it to our sons as future husbands and partners not to be sexist, and to have the same expectations of sons as of daughters in terms of caring for other people and their capabilities around the house!

Also in my family experience, daughters have taken the lions share of caring for elderly relatives.. IE the spoilt son doesn't come back to wipe his mum's bum when she needs it! My mum did the lot - her 'golden boy' brother next to nothing when his mum was ill.

On that note, I am wondering if all those mums who prefer sons have been reading or contributing to the mother in law debate! I have a good relationship with my MIL, she's lovely, but as a mother of sons myself would be worried about them getting together with some of those MIL-haters and effectively 'losing' them in a way I wouldn't worry about so much with a daughter.

I have a boy and want another one. I don't want a girl. Of course, if i had one - i'd love her the same - WOULDNT I?????

I have one of each, I always wanted a girl, and got her first but although I always knew I wanted more children I didn't mind what sex they were.

DD has been far easier than DS so far so I always say I want another girl but really I wouldn't mind.

I do baby ds more than I did dd but that isn't really a gender thing but a second child thing, and also down to their different personalities. DD was always very independent wheras ds is clingy, and by the time dd was ds' age I was already 7 months pregnant so there was already a sibling on the horizon whereas ds is still my baby.