Do mum's prefer sons?

[emilytankengine]

A few things have happened in my life and recently that makes me wonder??

I have a bit of a diff experience in this regard. My parents treat my bro and I pretty much the same. However, my MIL is rather pro-girl. She is constantly fretting about daughters (she has 3) and isn't really concerned with her sons' (has 2) issues. In fact, when speaking to DH she prioritises how I am, and what he's doing for me, rather than asking about him. FFS, I have my own mother to worry about me!

So, it seems that there really is something in this theory then...?

We always wanted just one child and always wanted a son. Luckily we got what we wanted and had our wish for just one child. Had we had a daughter things could have been different and I think we may have been sorely tempted to try again for a son. The thought of a daughter never appealed to me, don't know why, and although I have a wonderful neice I never ever wish I had a daughter of my own.

So interesting, this. My mum definitely preferred boys (I'm youngest of four with two brothers and one sister) and I think her parents always made her feel a bit inferior to her brothers. Whoever said it passes from one generation to the next really struck a chord with me.

So having suffered somewhat from this dynamic, I really struggled with my own feelings both pregnancies that deep down I really wanted boys. (they both were, btw!) I felt like such a traitor to my own sex! But I think it's because I panicked because my relationship with my mum wasn't as loving as I would have liked so I don't really know how to do loving relationships between mothers and daughters. Whereas I've solid experience of how to dote on sons.

Also I was terrified of having daughters because the responsibility of having to be someone's female role model (you want me to show you how to be a woman?!) felt like a job that was a bit beyond me, not being the girliest of girls.

I was having a 'grown up' conversation with my mother not so long ago when I was reflecting on how other mothers of male pre-schoolers comment on how boys are generally 'harder' at this stage. She said, oh no, that wasn't my experience at all, boys were much easier, it was girls being bitchy that I found difficult Said so much more about her than the children me and my sister were at the time, I think.

This is just something to throw into the mix but perhaps their is a perception that boys love their mothers somehow more unconditionally than girls do because of the way this whole "mother and son relationship is special thing" is portrayed.

Although I love my mum to bits, as a woman too we obviously work on the same wavelength to a certain extenet and we do argue like cat and dog and we ca be very critical of one another on occasion and tend to over analyse one anothers behaviour too.

Do men do this or does this all wash over them leading them to just love their mums for what they are?

I'm sure sons don't bicker with their dads like daughters bicker with their mothers either.

NO!! Can't believe any mother could favour one of their children over another, no matter what the sex or for any other reason!

Shambolic i agree with what you have written - it def does appear to me that society is more down on boys.

Well, I do. Both my sons . PS: only have sons.

I feel guilty now, you are all so certain that it's impossible to love one more than the other.

i don't know about love full stop, but I feel more loving and more patient with one child rather than the other.

Am I really the only one?

no Margot, I'm sure you're not the only one. I think it's really common.
I've found it changes all the time as well. one dc will be lovely whilst the other goes through a bad patch, then they swap over and so do your feelings.
If some random zombie alien dropped down one night and wanted to take one of your dc's, I'm sure you'd fight to keep both

Thanks daffodingles, I'd never, ever confess it in rl, I'm as sure as I can be (with regular name changes) that I am anonymous here.

LIke Troutpout a few posts back, my mother also babied my brother 'til his 30s really, and expected me to just get on with things.

I find myself expecting more from my dd now. I did recently make a point of telling her though that I was so lucky to have had her first, as she did everything early, and it was so delightfully 'easy' to be her Mummy, and just Mummy to her alone.

Her brother does everything late, you name it, sit up/walk/talk... and I know he'll be late to read and write too!, everything comes late for him! But yet I'm more patient with him. It isn't fair. I know she notices it. She often says to me "you love Richie more". I always do things on my own with her. I am taking just her to a hotel for one night away soon. I hope she doesn't hate me for it when she's older. I do love her. And you're right, if an alien did appear and threaten to take one of my children, I'd still fight like a lioness to prevent it.

Maybe it's not about love. Maybe it's about how easy the relationship is.

My mum kept having dc util she had 'her boy'. She had 4 girls first!

He has always been her favourite, no hiding it from anyone. We were discussing her will recently after my dad passed away and she told me that she has left everything to be split between the 5 of us, but she has an extra insurance policy/pension of some sort that is just for my brother. I feel that is proof that he is her preferred child- it's legally binding

I have 2dds and am pregnant again and I really hope this baby is another girl- equal pegging!

Dandy is right Margot, the birth order has a lot to do with it.
But be reassured I'm exactly the same as you.
ds1 is extremely bright and confident he doesn't need me to smother him, but I am fiercely proud of him.
ds2 is much less confident and needs help academically, I feel much more tender towards him.
Even though the love I feel for them is different, it's equal iyswim and it does change depending on their needs at the time. Overall though I adore both. Have a look at your dc's sleeping tonight and tell me you don't too.

My Mum definitely had a better relationship with my brother than me. It was a question of personalities though - she has a very "big" personality and it swamped me a bit but didn't bother him at all. So it was harder for me to be myself around her. I don't think that there was any difference in the love though, just the ease of relating to each other.

I have had two girls and am very happy with that. I wonder if that is because we won't have to deal with gender differences, even though DH reckons that DD1 is a Daddy's girl and DD2 a Mummy's girl. I think that they're both Daddy's girls and that DD2 sees me as the convenient snack bar!

I have 2 DS's and 1 DD.
I dislike them all equally.

PSML Goober

I had exactly what my Mum had, a girl first and then a boy. So although I clearly feel the way my Mum felt, I have a sort of heads up to avoid making it quite so obvious how I feel.

My Mum always used to 'punish' my younger brother if he pulled my hair or broke my things. Supposedly he was to get no pocket money, but I swear there was never, ever one Saturday when he didn't GET his pocket money. She always let him off!!!!

If I did something naughty, and my pocket money was docked, the 'dock' still stood on Saturday.

I was very aware of this injustice!

I know that things don't have to be a complete re-run of my childhood though. The age gap between my two is bigger and my DD is ahead and my son behind, so it's more like five years, so they aren't so competitive. They definitely fight less than my brother and I did thank GOD! My brother and I were hideous monsters. He used to draw an invisible line in the back of the car and tell me not to let my elbow stray into his airspace!! If the car went roudn the bend and I accidentally went into his half of the car, he'd clobber me, I'd cry and Mum would dock my pocket money for whinging.

i can larf about it now!

I have three ds, no daughter to compare to - no sister for me either! I definitely longed for boys, although I found that many people found this difficult to accept - lots of "but SURELY you want a girl this time?"

Someone said earlier that they were fearful of being a role model to a daughter, I would agree - my mum was very hard on me compared to my brother, her expectations were so hard to live up to.

But then you can trace a lot back to her experiences, too. Youngest of four girls, her parents devastated by never having a son - I think she felt determined to "prove" through me that girls could do whatever they wanted. Or in her case, what she wanted for me!

My MIL was devastated by the birth of each of my boys - she constantly harps on about what a disappointment it was to have boys, which is sad for my DH and his boys. But then again - she was the youngest of five girls before the much longed for only boy arrived, so I can see how that happened. Apparently, her own father blamed her mother for the lack of a son and said that "at last" she'd done what she was bloody well meant to do when the boy was born.

Just be aware - you reap what you sow in terms of the messages you send your dcs, and sometimes making up for the prejudices you experienced could have unforeseen consequences!

I have a big daughter preference. I always wanted a daughter, and now I have two, which is fine for me. I know this sounds awful, but if I had 2 sons now and no daughter, I would be devastated. I would definately try for a little girl.

i do love having a daughter and would dearly love more daughters

I think children go in phases and in my book its naive or a bit of kiddology to believe that you wont favour one over another de temps en temps

my eldest was a pita for years and now at 16 I adore him..I love his company and am dreading him going to college when he is 18.....for a few years back there I really longed for the day....

it is good to be honest with ourselves about who we 'gel' with the best

when you choose to have a baby and get pregnant you chooose to do your best by and love that child no matter what who or how bad it looks!

I have loved some really munty babies!!!!

My mum preferred my brothers (had 3 of each) but my oldest sister died when young so I think she never really got over that and found it hard to bond with us girls - fear of losing us maybe. I don't know. She did her best but it was noticeable

Mum did. My Dad's mum did.

I feel more comfortable with my sons because they don't challenge me. My big son is alike a teddy bear. I love him uncritically (well almost) and he reciprocates. My dd is so beautiful and clever and confident that she scares me a little. I look at her like some amazing work of art that I can claim no credit for. I wish I didn't.

Well I certainly do but then I only have one dc and he is a boy so I would wouldn't I?

I have 3 DS and 2 DD. I also lost 2 DD late in pregnancy. Each time I didn't care what sex I had. MIL wanted me to have a boy. I had 3 DDs first, lost DD3 at 23wks. Then I had twin DS. It was hard when people said 'ah a boy for DH at last' as it felt a betrayal of DD3. I love having DS and DD, both are fabby and it's nice experiencing both. I really couldn't say either gender are better or nicer. I notice, though, that lots of people are more negative about boys and many of the friends I have with boys are desperate for girls 'next time'. It's hard for me to hear comments as I feel they are lucky to have living children whatever the sex!