I hate being a parent.

[TitsUp]

I am ashamed to admit this, but I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in having a child. I never really bonded with DS and am sick of all the sick, snot, lack of sleep, destruction, chaos and general lack of freedom, though he is cute sometimes. I am not depressed, I just don't want this life. I want my old life with my well paid career and fast car not a boring p/t job, sick all over my clothes and bloody sensible estate car.

Should I give him up for adoption as I am such a selfish useless cow, or will I feel differently in time? I fear I am not cut out to be a mother and don't want to ruin his life.

Everyone keeps telling me, when I mention how difficult it all is, that things just get worse!

Wispabarsareback

I totally agree with you but she hasnt stated that there is anything medicallly wrong with her son.

at 2 years old - for a child to be able to say nothing or next to nothing shows that there has been lack of effort. If I am wrong I apologize but I really dont think I am.

I am not on here to knock anybodys parenting skills and I really hope this lady gets some help but she sounds like she has already made her mind up.

I hope the outcome she chooses is best for the little boy.

My DS was barely talking at 23 months. He is nearly 28 months now and is talking in 8 word sentences and knows all his colours and shapes for example. So yes, it is possible for a child who is played with/encouraged every day to be non verbal at 2.

Good luck titsup.

I would say you aredepressed. Depression doesn't have to mean you are crying a lot. You are grieving for your old life which is verycommon. I think you will def benefit from talking through your feelings with someone who won't judge you but will help you. There's a lot to be said about traumatic births and the affect they have on bonding. As for depression being on your records; well it's us women who had great jobs we loved that are the ones who struggle with the change parenthood brings and anyone who says they've never felt low or depressed has probably been in denial.
I wish you luck but it will get better if you talk it over. Maybe put your son into preschool/nursery a couple of mornings to give you some space.
Keep us posted xxx

Titsup I understand how you feel. I felt the same when my ds was born. I remember telling my dh I was unable to look after him and wanted to put him up for adoption. I hated looking after him, hated the sleepless nights, hated dealing with the constant illness and yearned for my old life. I used to cry and cry all day every day for months. I think I was actually going through a grieving process. I missed my full-time job with all the perks that brought and hated working part-time. I think in part, my traumatic birth played a big role in my being unable to bond with my son. Was your birth traumatic? I posted on here (under a different name, I was so ashamed) and was told that things would improve and I would grow to love my son. I never believed this not for one moment. However.... it was true! I now love ds unconditionally and although there are days which are awful (pretty normal for any parent) I wouldn't go back to my old life for the world. I don't want to patronise you but I think you need to stick with it, things WILL improve. I hope in a few months/years you will look back on this and laugh. I certainly do. I am looking at ds now and cannot believe I ever thought about having him adopted.

brandollarz

"at 2 years old - for a child to be able to say nothing or next to nothing shows that there has been lack of effort"

that is a completely ridiculous and unfounded statement. Reminds me of the refrigerator parenting theory os autism [shudder]

my dd said next to nothing at 2 - my older kids were talkinge extremely well by 18mths. My youngest at 15mths is starting to say the odd thing....more than his sister did but less than the older 2. Horses for courses - nothing to do with 'effort'.

I actually think you do sound depressed...and really haven't bonded. Everyone can relate to bits of what you say sometimes, but it sounds like it has gotten to quite a bad level, where you feel you don't "care" so much. And you keep putting yourself down...as well as him. Try to talk to someone...try to maybe do a class with him, something structured where you are with him one on one? It is so normal to get "depressed" when they are this age, I know you don't consider that you are, but your outlook and perspective really seems to say that you are.

go right back to square one.

take baths with him.

massage him and roll about the floor like a loo with him.

give him your make up and let him loose on you.

sleep with him.

let go.

loo = loon

Blinks, I think that sleeping next to him is a really good suggestion. I had similar feelings to TU, although not in such a strong way, when my ds was born and I had a v similar birth. But there is something about lying next to them when they are fast asleep and not 'threatening' that is really healing and really helped me.

Titsup, I think your post is very honest and brave and it shows that although you don't really feel like it you are considering his needs above yours. I was seeing a therapist already when my son was born and I think if I hadn't been seeing her before his birth I would be in a similar place to where you are. I would really recommend going to speak with someone. It makes you think about why you are feeling this way and that really it is not about the child you have had but about yourself and how you feel. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment that is being directed towards your son.

If it makes you feel better, my ds is now 4 and I have a dd, 2. I am now a very happy person and love my children and myself and my life. What I want to say is it did get better for me, but only after a lot of hard work with a therapist, who I still see.

I hope you come back to this thread and continue to find help and support.

I haven't got much advice, TU, but I applaud you for being so honest about how you feel; your feelings can't be easy to admit, even on here. But you do have to realise that you are airing your feelings BECAUSE you care about your son, and that is such a good start for the way forward.
I am disgusted at the posters who have made you feel even worse. You posted on here as a cry for help,not to be made feel even worse. Ignore these negative posts and focus on the constructive ones.
I really hope you get all the help you need to move forward and start enjoying your son. I believe with the right help that will happen. Take care.

OH, and I don't agree with the person who said that your son's lack of speech is down to you.
I know a three-year-old who was loved and adored by his parents who didn't start talking until he was three.
So don't take the blame for this on top of everything else.

Titsup,how are you feeling today?

Good luck Titsup - it is a tough old road this parenting lark but it also has its rewards (or so they tell me lol). Some great advice here.

I have thought about you lots since reading this yesterday TU. I also think that you were very brave posting. There are lots of positive points here TU, for you to consider.
Just one thing I would add. Your relationship with your partner doesn't seem particularly close or supportive. You talk about yourself in relation to your job and your son, but very little about your partner, or friends. It may be that you like to keep people at a bit of a distance, and that you aren't expecting much from him, or it may be that there are problems there which could be resolved, which would leave you happier in other areas of your life too.

Best of luck.

Titsup, I think you need a break, could your DS go to a pre-school/playgroup for an (extra)couple of mornings a week? Or could the Grandparents have him? I mean time when you are not working, so you can do housework/read/exercise whatever but time just for you?

Having time just for myself is the one thing I miss most about being a mother if I'm honest and makes a massive difference to my morale.

Agree with Suwoo, my DS1 barely said a word at 2, he is now a very bright 5 yr old. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I wanted to thank you for all your help and support. There have been sone really insightful posts on here.

I am feeling less overwhelmed today. DS is actually at his grandparents' and I am taking some time out. I will try to follow this through as a regular occurrence - they are only too happy to have him - and see how it works out.

I do love him. But I just felt yesetrday that I was not being a good parent and felt selfish and that he deserved better. I know you have to be selfless to be a parent and this is something I am struggling with.

I feel very encouraged by posters who have said that there are different ages which different parents cope better with: it really is enlightening and strengthening to read comments like 'your time will come'... so thank you.

Several posters have asked about DS' speech (or lack of). He does understand what I say and will fetch things if asked, but doesn't 'speak' as such (ie string words together). He makes some sounds which sound a bit like words. I have absoultely no yardstick against which to measure his development, so have no idea how normal or otherwise his speech is - but again, reading posts on here there seems to be a lot of variation.

Spinspinsugar, you sound very like me. 98% of my unhappiness is my general lack of fulfilment. I think I am redirecting this at DS as being the 'cause' (ie I 'gave it up for him', but it's not his fault). I gave it up because I wanted to focus on being a mum. Maybe there is no shame in admitting I can't be a full time stay at home type mum (the type I wanted to be); I need stimulation from my career to make me feel complete, and this in turn will hopefully be reflected in my feelings towards ds.

Good for you, you have been very brave in posting what I would imagine is a farily common feeling in Mothers.
Becoming a mother was a massive shock to my system, all those years of being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, suddenly this little baby needed me constantly and I couldn't even shower in peace.
Glad you got some time for yourself, you are not alone in this, I often feel like I am a useless/crap Mother.
And yes, 2 year old boys (have no experience of girls, but I can imagine they can be pretty similar) can be massively trying.
My Mother has a friend who openly admits that she couldn't stand parenting her lads until they were around 4/5yrs old, she loathed the baby and toddler stage. Strangely enough she now can't get enough of her GC.
Stick with it, hope you find what is best for you.

I have only skimmed thread but - I think you've been brave to be so honest, and you can't help feeling like this. I totally agree with those who say that different stages of childhood suit different people - I know parents who say they only really enjoyed it once their kids were over 5 for example. Also, I think your love for him is such that you don't actually want to give him up, sorry if that's presumptuous.

I think what you should do is go for a fulfilling full-time well-paid job as soon as you can, and get him some proper, quality childcare whether it's a good nursery you trust, a good nanny or childminder, whatever suits him best - and/or discuss your DP going part-time and being a SAHD. Many men get to be highly part-time parents and compartmentalise their time with their children to what suits them - maybe that life would suit you better and make your time with your DS much happier. Although I don't have the same feelings about my DS that you describe, I know full well that I would go bananas PDQ without my creative and fairly intellectual career which is a huge part of me, though I do it part-time at the moment.

I love my little boy (14 months) to bits but as soon as the grandparents offer to take him off my hands for the day/night he is packed and ready to go in half an hour! And I dont feel guilty for a moment because I know he is having a riot (his Granny also has the knack of playing - I think it is something to do with handing them back)

He also goes to nursery as I work full time, and acording to some recent threads he is being severely damaged there, but no matter as he loves it.

This all means that I have plenty of non-mummy time which means that when I am looking after him we genuinely have a good time.

I think you need to get back to work in some capacity. You say you cant because of the lack of position but I cant see that you have an alternative if the current situation is bringing you so low that you would consider giving your son up.

I also think that although you say he is a right little terror at the moment it is important to remember that he loves you and you belong together. BUT, that does not mean that you cant change things to make the both of you happier.

TU - I would agree with the posters who feel that you are depressed.

I found the first few months with DS as a baby very very difficult, and looking back I think that I probably had undiagnosed PND. DS cried all the time and I found that the HVs all seemed to offer conflicting advice. DH worked shifts and came home tired just wanting peace and quiet whereas I wanted adult conversation and support. I did see my parents a couple of times a week plus my MIL who was helpful with regard to babysitting but I would not have let anybody know how difficult I found things - pride perhaps? I don't know. I had been used to feeling in charge at work and also being an older mum I found being totally out of control of the situation very difficult to cope with.

I think at the time I went back to work when DS was 7 months that I was actually beginning to enjoy motherhood, DS was on solids, had started putting on weight, and slept better.

I was lucky in that I was able to return to my previous post on a part time basis and that I was able to find quality nursery care for DS.

I would recommend firstly that you do have a conversation with your GP about the fact that you may be depressed, and see what advice and support you are offered.

Secondly I really would make the effort to look for an alternative work situation where you will feel fulfilled. It doesn't need to be full time. I can recall the relief to feel that I was actually good at something again, that I received thanks and compliments, and that I felt in control of part of my life. I think that if you do this, and are feeling good about yourself that your relationship with your DS will improve.

My memories now of the time when my DS was about 3 are of it being such a happy time; me being in work 3 days a week with DS happy in nursery, and I really really appreciated the days I had at home with him, playing with him, talking to him and just going for walks or shopping, holding his little hand.

DS is now 7, and so far, after a difficult start it has got easier all the time.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

'98% of my unhappiness is my general lack of fulfillment' - having just read the thread I agree with that. If you can find a stimulating job that you love and become happier in general this will no doubt help. You won't be able to 'blame' your DS.

Life is long.... you will have years ahead of you when you become a career girl/woman again! All those things you gave up will be yours again.

Once children start school they become much more independent - 2 is a very 'full on' age. My DD is 5 and it's lovely - you can chat about life and school and friends. They become little people rather than 'needy' screaming toddlers!

People definitely enjoy different phases of parenthood.

I also think you are very brave and honest to admit your feelings. It is still such a taboo for women to admit ambiguous feeling about motherhood.

I felt exactly the same as you. I had emer c-section didnt see dd till the day after she was born, everyone had seen her before me and then she was given to me and left there in a room with me after an operation and i had to look after her. I had pnd but wasnt diagnosed till she was 2.3 when the stress made me have a nervous breakdown. I like you had a high powered job and now work ptime in a job where my colleagues i worked with are now my managers! 2 Years on i am still in the same job but quite happy that i have seen my dd and been able yo work ptime, and quite relieved that i dont have the stress my managers have (plenty of time for that) I am now quite the opposite and hate bein away from my dd, i feel guilty for her first 2 years of life, when i feel i wasnt a good mam. Please get help, see your doctor, i didnt think i was depressed until it came down on top of me.

Hi titsup, I am a single mother of a five year old and I can honestly say that 2 years old is a very hard age and definately the worst age for me.

At 2 my son was aggressive, up at 5 every morning, hardly eating and constipated! It was a nightmare, I felt like a terrible mother and felt very judged.

But he got better and better and now is a well behaved lovely little boy.

The world does gradually open up again and this is what you need to realise.

Now my son and I can go to films we both enjoy, go to the theatre, stay up and watch fireworks, go to parties for adults and kids, do loads of things...you have a partner so you could go out sometimes in the evenings or get a babysitter and just go for a swim or meet up with friends.

You could discuss with your partner, him downsizing his job so that he is at home more and you take on a more challenging job.

As he gets older he won't need you so much so that he will play on his own more, be happy to have sleepovers, stay at his grandparents etc.

I do think 2 is a very difficult age but around 2 and a half is when everything starts to get easier bit by bit...