I hate being a parent.

[TitsUp]

I am ashamed to admit this, but I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in having a child. I never really bonded with DS and am sick of all the sick, snot, lack of sleep, destruction, chaos and general lack of freedom, though he is cute sometimes. I am not depressed, I just don't want this life. I want my old life with my well paid career and fast car not a boring p/t job, sick all over my clothes and bloody sensible estate car.

Should I give him up for adoption as I am such a selfish useless cow, or will I feel differently in time? I fear I am not cut out to be a mother and don't want to ruin his life.

Everyone keeps telling me, when I mention how difficult it all is, that things just get worse!

I think it's ME who has wasted my tyime actually, what with being labelled a troll. As if I would muck about with something so serious. I was hoping for others who felt the same, so thank you to those who have responded in this way.

And just to clarify, I am not going to ask SS to take ds away -DUR! As if they would anyway, just like that! I have no time for the health services, they have been worse than useless IME. But I believe that many social workers are actually very positive and helpful, I had experience of this when my grandmother was very old.

Maybe I am depressed, I don't feel depressed, but many of you say the symptoms seem the same, so I don't know.

I am the one that said his speach is probably delayed because of her feelings towards him. Children thrive on love and routine FACT If she isnt showing consistent love/time/attention of course this poor boy is gonna misbehave and almost definately develop slower. Children dont learn out of thin air!

well when did you first feel like this,after the birth or during pregnancy?
Hi btw!

Hi morning sun. I felt nothing for about 10 months, as if I was looking aftre someone else's baby. I suppose the realisation that I am not a good mother has just gradually developed since then. I had a CS and was not handed my son straight away, people have said to me that this can cause problems with bonding, one minute he wasn't there, then he wass (no 'birth' process) and then I didn't even get to hold him as I had expected. I had to ask after about 15 minutes.

This parenting lark can be hell, and 2 yr olds are particularly tiresome, so I do feel for you. We have friends where the traditional roles are reversed - dh at home, dw at work. Perhaps that would work for you?

Is there any option of going back to work full time? What would stop you returning to work - regaining position? childcare? costs?

IMO less is more, working full time and spending a couple of quality hours together over the weekend can be so much better than a whole week of 'un'quality time.

What would stop you returning to work - regaining position

I've just skimmed this thread, but TU I would agree with others in that it does sound like you maybe depressed , I had PND after all my babies and thought I'd made a massive mistake and wanted my old life back, I was fortunate that i was treated quickly and am happy to say I am thoroughly enjoying motherhood. Depression can sometimes be somewhat enigmatic and not terribly easy to recognise. I do sincerely hope you get some good advise from social services and that you start to feel happier.

If you are depressed, what treatment do you receive and how do you start to feel different?

so what about answering this question that others have already asked:

why doesn't youer dp be a sahp and you go back to work?

I have to go offline now, but thank you to those who have posted constructive advice.

er, sorry compo, I must have missed that one. That is a possibility, thank you.

There are various types of therapy, from talking therapy to anti depressents. Recent findings are that they are most effective if used together. REMEMBER if you are offered anti depressents, they are NOT addictive and there is nothing to ashamed about in taking these. When you're depressed, changes happen in your brain so that any happy chemicals you naturally produce are immediately sucked up, anti depressents (SSRIs) help stop this over absorption of happy chemicals. So it's just helping your brain regain it's natural balance. There are many different drugs out there, personally speaking I found Fluoxetine (Prozac) worked brilliantly. I hope that helps you.

I think the troll comments are very premature - besides which this is a bit of a taboo subject that touches the heart of many parents so may be helpful to others to read.

TU - what kind of role does your partner play? What do you do as a family? What's your routine when it;s just you and him?

As for this so called speech delay - how old is your DS TU? because if he's 2- 2.5 then I would say he was more of a late developer. One of my daughters was non-verbal at 2....she's 2.5 now and is talking in full sentences and has pretty much caught up with it. If your DS is 2.5 plus, I would take him to the hv and request some salt input. My hv gave me some worksheets as well to help my DD and that would be a nice activity to do together.

I must say I disagree with those saying to interact for a small part of the day and build it up....I think throwing yourself at the problem is the best way - totally submerse yourself in your sons world, dedicate your whole being to him. Like I said earlier you have to fake it to make it. I do agree you cant force love but you can force time and positive attention and with this the love will come.

I have to say that you sound depressed to me too and it is often the case that people don't recognise it in themselves. Is there any area of your life that gives you satisfaction, or anything that makes you laugh and feel good about things, even if it a favourite TV programme? If there isn't then I would seriously think about whether you are depressed and maybe see a doctor.

When you say that your DS isn't verbal, does he not say a word or is just not saying much? It is very hard if they aren't saying much and this can't be helping the bond between you. However, it does make a difference whether he is a bit slow to talk or whether he is not communicating with you at all.

Can I also ask why you have such a downer on GP's and HV? OK we all know that they can and do get it wrong but if you need help then I am wondering why you have no faith in any of them to give you that help.

TitsUp
Firstly I am so sorry that you feel this way. Secondly, well done for being so brave and admitting how you feel.

I'm going to be honest with you, parenting is not something that comes naturally to all of us, I didn't find it easy at all. My eldest son was a nightmare baby, he never slept, took ages to feed and was just awful until he was about 2. Then, when he became a teenager he became awful all over again.

I don't think that you are awful for feeling like this. I think that you want help, thats why you have posted on here. You obviously know that how you feel is not normal. I don't know if you are depressed, maybe a visit to the GP might help to clarify things in your mind re: depression.

You come across in your post as someone who cares deeply, you are aware that things cannot cary on as they have been. Your partner sounds a bit unsure of what to say and do to help. Try writing him a letter to explain exactly how you feel. I always find putting it in words helps, you can do it calmly and leave him to read it on his own and then discuss it later.

Have you tried to get some 'me time'? You know, time away from being a mum. Be it going to the gym, swimming, even taking an evening class in something that appeals to you. It might help to stimulate your brain and make you feel more like a person in your own right.

Being a mum to a small person can be the most unrewarding job in the world but it can also bring the most amazing rewards. You cannot become a good mum instantly, they don't come with an instruction manual. I didn't find being a mum easy, I still don't. It becomes easier with time, one day something that seemed impossible a few days ago, suddenly seems completely manageable.

Try to remember that you both wanted this child, remember the excitement you felt when you found out that you going to have him. It is the scariest thing in the world, suddenly you are not just 'us' but a 'family'. You cant just get up and go, you have to plan and organise. I hated that, I hated having to make sure that I had everything in the bag before I left the house. I don't 'do' planning, so I did struggle.

At times, lots of times, I deeply resented my children, I resented the loss of my old life and the person I had been. I also had some fantastic moments when I totally 'got' why I had them.

I think what I am trying to say is that you are not a bad person, you are someone who is struggling with the hardest job in the world. You have realised this and have asked for advice, that is the first step to finding a solution. With help and support, you will work though this. Please dont give your son to anyone until you have explored all the other options. You will regret that even more in the long run. Use all the options open to you, I never found HV very useful, they always seemed to be loking down their noses at me and my lifestyle. But I did find my GP really good. Ask for some form of therapy, you might find that is useful.

Be gentle with yorself, you are mourning the life and the person you used to be. You are entitled to do that, not everyone is good at being a parent, just like not everyone is good at being nurses. But with time and support, you can learn. If after help, you still feel the same, at least you can face everyone and tell them that you did your best.

Much love and thoughts for you,

Mo xxx

Brandollarz - some children are developmentally delayed, for all sorts of reasons - certainly not just because their parents fail to provide love and stimulation.

Hi Titsup sorry, am on and off pc today,thanks for replying .I don't know your personality type but it can be very disheartening when the birth is a shock then you feel left out by not being handed the baby~i had a emergency cs after a badly managed labour and when i got to hold the baby i'd nearly forgotten i was having a baby after what i'd been thru,plus its incredibly difficult to move around in and out the bed and bf or see to the baby.If you didn't get a lot of help fromthe nurses and this was your first i could see how that could lead to a lot of problems.

My advice is,start afresh.Don't feel guilty about whats gone before ,we all have phases of being a bit lost in our parenting.Talk to your ds,hold him,sit him on your knee and read stories to him,get in bed with him and read to him there,hold his hand,tell him he's lovely and you love him every half hour with a big smile.

2 is very young and you can do this,and don't feel guilty,guilt is the curse of mothers and its really not necessary.
Good luck and chat to you later.

Go and do that bonding this afternoon,in a totally over the top way[why not?!] and see how you feel at tea timexx

Titsup: I think that you are suffering from PND brought on by a traumatic birth - I think the way you described the birth was very telling. Ask yourself. Do you feel like you abandoned your son at birth because you did not hold him? Do you feel that things would be different if the birth had been "normal"? You are obviously a high achiever - are you embarrassed that he isn't talking yet? If so, do you feel bad for feeling that way and that it's because you hadn't bonded. Do you feel guilty for pushing your son away because rather than you not wanting him, you feel like he might not want you, and/or that, from the beginning, you've let him down in some way and are not good enough? All because you didn't hold him ergo wasn't there for him when he was born.

My DS is only 11 weeks and I am haunted by the birth - which was an Emergency CS like yours (and post birth not helped by a load of shit from the MiL but that's another story). Some days I think DS hates me and I feel guilty and know that I didn't bond with him right away. But I have shut everyone out (except DH) and almost force my love on DS in the hope that he will love me back - and you know what, it is working. Your DS is 2 but it is never too late to get that bond. You just need to deal with the underlying issues first. I was lucky, I knew the birth f*cked my head up a bit so recognised it early and am dealing with it in my own way and you will too. There is so much help out there and so many women that have gone through this. Please speak to someone and work through this. Good luck.

mumoftwoteenboys: remember the excitement you felt when you found out that you going to have him>what kind of role does your partner play? What do you do as a family? What's your routine when it;s just you and him?>As for this so called speech delay - how old is your DS TU?

Well said Mumofteenageboys. I agree with you. TitsUp, don't despair, I remember feeling exactly like you. However I disagree with other posters that you are depressed and need counselling...I'm no expert but this is what people said to me and I thought, no I'm not depressed I just don't like babies, sleepless nights, sick, snot, poo and relentless tedium!

You sound intelligent enough to work out solutions for yourself, don't line someone else's pockets! I admit I haven't ever tried counselling but I've had a couple of friends who became obsessed with it and they became very self indulgent and it didn't actually help at all, in fact one just became more depressed. It just seems to make you focus of the problem more and more...no amount of counselling is going to make you LOVE sleepless nights, poo etc is it! I await howls of indignation as I know there are a lot of counselling fans out there. But also I had one friend who had behaves appallingly, her marriage fell apart etc but the counsellor just kept legitimizing her outrageous behaviour and she became even more full of self justification.

Also, if you go to your GP with depression it'll be on your records for ever, you'll have to declare it for future jobs and there will be all sorts of repercussions (I know because I've worked in HR).

My advice on a daily basis is - obviously make sure your baby is safe, fed and watered and properly looked after, but apart from that - sounds awful - but ignore him, put him in nursey, whatever, and do your own thing as much as you can, anything that keeps your brain ticking. I hated it when mine were young, I hated playing silly games, was bored senseless reading stories etc, and by and large (apart from when MIL was watching), I didn't do any of it! They haven't exactly suffered. They're now 9 & 11, doing well at school, well adjusted etc and I enjoy them much more now they're real people with personalities, and we are very close and I'm ashamed of how I used to feel, but only because society seems to expect something different, not because I am REALLY ashamed IYSWIM.

Must dash - Good Luck xx

I didn't mean to upset you TU, far from it, I was only trying to think of a positive fact about the situation.
Good luck with whatever you decide, you sound like a very lovely person to me. Take care of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself xxx

From manicmother7777 -

"Also, if you go to your GP with depression it'll be on your records for ever, you'll have to declare it for future jobs and there will be all sorts of repercussions (I know because I've worked in HR). "

So the stigma of mental health illnesses lives on. No wonder women don't go and get help when they genuinely need it if there is scaremonging like that.

I can't say if TU has PND or not but that sort of talk doesn't help anybody, including those who may be lurking and thinking that they identify with TU and maybe they do need some help.

There is a world of difference between not liking the baby stage and finding it tedious and nasty, as we all do sometimes, and not taking any pleasure at all from any aspect of life. TU doesn't even enjoy her life when she isn't with her DS and I think that this might be quite telling.

TU - I agree not saying much at 2 is no big deal but but what I was trying to get at with my earlier post was to find out if your DS communicates with you at all. Does he point, make eye contact, attempt to speak, understand what you say to him. Being able to speak is only part of communication.

TU, I had a horrible time adjusting to parenthood. It's harder to adjust if you've had a fulfilling career beforehand, I think. You get used to me-time, and doing what you want to do more or less 100% of the time.

My suggestions are:

1. Give up on the idea of adoption. There's lots of data supporting the fact that even inadequate mothers (and I'm not convinced you are an inadequate mother) are psychologically less damaging than being adopted - despite fantastic adoptive parents.

1. Concentrate on making yourself happier. Get back into that good job of yours so that you get some fulfilment at work. You would have to be a saint or a natural mother-type to find fulfilment fingerpainting with a two-year old. I am neither of those things and boy I needed my job.

And it will and does get better. Trust me.

HTH

Sorry, didn't mean to scaremonger, but that is my experience and I think it's reality. I suppose I just mean that if you really need help, of course you should seek it, but if it's a case of disliking the small baby stage, then this isn't 'mental illness' is it? Are we too keen to medicalise everything? A different debate perhaps.