I hate being a parent.

[TitsUp]

I am ashamed to admit this, but I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in having a child. I never really bonded with DS and am sick of all the sick, snot, lack of sleep, destruction, chaos and general lack of freedom, though he is cute sometimes. I am not depressed, I just don't want this life. I want my old life with my well paid career and fast car not a boring p/t job, sick all over my clothes and bloody sensible estate car.

Should I give him up for adoption as I am such a selfish useless cow, or will I feel differently in time? I fear I am not cut out to be a mother and don't want to ruin his life.

Everyone keeps telling me, when I mention how difficult it all is, that things just get worse!

sorry the phone rang. dp said don't be silly it will get better.

Marla I am sorry I do not have a crystal ball.

i think you are depressed and you should get some help. I also think your son needs help as your behaviour is having a nagative impact on his life. Please see your GP, HV or someone before this situation spirals more and more out of control.

You say you're not depressed. You sound it. You haven't adjusted to your new life, aren't coping with the changes and are miserable - what is that if not some sort of depression? Sounds exactly like my PND, anyhow.

You know, life gets easier as they get older. You'll have loads more freedom in a couple of years time. The difference between my life when my son at 2 yrs old and when he was 3 yrs old, even, was enormous (only I went and had another baby around then. Doh!).

Seriously, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how your life frees up as your child gets older. Oh, and start looking at getting back into your career, even if only to get some extra training under your belt or go out and do a bit of networking or something. Lots of women mourn the loss of full time work and all that it can bring. It doesn't have to be a permanent loss, though.

Thanks for all your comments. I am going to phone social services tomorrow. Goodbye.

ok - so he's 2 - do you mean he literally isn't saying any words? just wondering if part of the problem is that your little one has a communication problem. I found the 2-3 year part hardgoing which in retrospect was due to DS having a language delay.

.. yes accepting outside help is the first step to enabling your son and yourself to feel better.

good luck xx

Well Tits Up I think that is a shame.

Well done TU. I hope everything works out

its not a shame

social services dont 'take' children away, only if the circumstances are really bad

she may get the help her and her boy so desperately need.

However they may well be able to put you in contact with services that will enable you all to fuction as a family unit very effectively. If so this would be a very good thing.

Oh we have agreed eventually - x posts.

lol izyboy xx xx

Yeah I know what you mean Marla, but I suppose you still have to rise above those suspicions, as we have all tried to do on this thread.

I also applaud your honesty. You obv want the best for your son but I don;t think Grandparents is the answer (plus you are ignoring the fact that your partner is very unlikely to agree to this...or is he?).

I'm a great believer in acting the role until you feel it. Play with him, pretend you are an uber mum, smile, big cheesy fake smiles, do things with him that you enjoy, talk to him, talk about what you see, what you are doing, comment on what he is doing, hug him even if he thumps you, tell him you love him, tuck him in and read him a bedtime story, act it, act it, act it, until you begin to feel it and the smile becomes less forced and the bond begins to grow.

Don't beat yourself up about this - your feelings are what they are but you owe it your boy, your partner and most of all yourself to at least try a last ditch attempt. You sound very career driven and motivated so turn your energies away from that onto your son. It will feel odd, awkward, daft, embarrassing but persist, persist, persist and fake it until you make it.

Start now

I think it's great to see a parent be so honest. Being a mum is bloody hard work, and that honesty and asking for help makes you a good mum.

I can't help but think that you may be depressed. I know you say aren't but why don't you talk to your GP, they can help you if you are and they can help you even if your not. I know it's a scary thing to do, but admitting you feel that low and getting a bit of help is what you and your child needs. It will give you piece of mind at least. Sometimes, when your in a difficult spot, you can't see what's right in front of you.

You could also try going to more local parent groups. Find out if there is a SureStart Children's Centre near you. They are a fantastic resource. It's all free. In my area they have weekly Stay&Plays, Story Clubs, Swimming Lessons, Parenting Courses, Support Groups (I go to a Young Parents Group once a week) and there is always someone to talk to and get advice on your child's behaviour and development. It will keep your son busy, use up some of that energy and put it to good use. It also gives you the opportunity to meet other mums, who all have terrible toddlers themselves!

Also try reading Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green - it's very practical advice on dealing with day to day challenges of haveing a toddler.

And be reasurred, your toddler sounds absoloutley NORMAL. I work with this age group and they all do it, they're all challenging, but they are also learning so much and parts of it are magical. Don't miss those bits by focusing on the difficulies. Try to think of one good thing your child has done everyday and praise, praise, praise. He will feel happier for it, and so will you.

Connie you have eloquently said what I was trying to say 'act the role until you feel it' - but with additional breaks (child minder ) and outside support.

try giving him 1/2 hour per day of your undivided attention - follow his lead as to which toys/books etc to play with. it's often harder work trying to ignore attention seeking behaviour than doing something with your kid for a bit.

He's your child,you can't turn the clock back.
Its no longer a choice whether you have him or not its now about responsibility,finding out where you've gone wrong,getting help and advice to turn this around and engaging and looking after your child.

You can have help personally to help you come to terms with your life change and bond with your child.You say you are not depressed i'm not so sure you're not putting a brave face on all your feelings of frustration,disappointment and loss.

We all make a choice to have or not have chidren but when the child is there you have to find a path for yourself while putting your childs needs first.He is a person with a future,not a belonging and he is yours.

Did something happen at the birth or after that made you feel he wasn't yours?like midwives or mil or dh taking over,pnd,lack of quiet time with the baby,lack of confidence with him?

We all dislike certain things,whether its playing castles,getting up in the night,going to parents nights,staying in hospital with los,but we do it out of duty ans well as love.

It sounds to me as if you are hiding from your real feelings and are totally lost with your ds atm,both of which can be helped.

Start trying to plan a better future for you and your child with as much help as you need,instead of trying to change the past.

This is a very brave and honest OP - I hope she's still around. TitsUp, I understand so well so much of what you say - in my case I have felt much like this since I had DD2 (19 months old). I've been in some very dark places recently and have talked to DH about giving DD2 to someone who would look after her better than I feel I can. I do love her - without question - but like you, I hate what she's done to my life. And I do recognise that it's not her fault - she didn't ask to be born, poor baby, and she didn't ask to have SN.

I think it's exceptionally harsh of whoever suggested that the OP's DS may be delayed with speaking because of her attitude to him - it could very well be the other way round, that he may have development issues that haven't been picked up. If that's the case, my sympathy and empathy extend even further.

Like you, TitsUp, I've resisted labelling myself as depressed, because I'm not convinced I am (but could of course be wrong). I think I'm responding in a rational way to a situation that makes me feel panicked and that I can't control. (But may of course be kidding myself.) I totally understand not wanting to go to the GP or health visitor, who are likely to be useless.

I don't have any answers - I wish I did. But looking after yourself is really important - perhaps you could consider going back to a similar job as the one you used to love, and find good day-care for your son. And if he has good, hands-on grandparents (fantastic for you if that's the case), do consider leaving him with them for a weekend - perhaps you and your DP could go away together and have a proper talk about your lives and what needs to happen to make you all feel OK.

If you call social services, perhaps that might result in some genuinely useful help and support - I'd be interested to know how they respond to calls like this.

But please don't give up on yourself and your son. Will you come back to the thread and let us know how you're doing?

Sounds like you've all wasted your time giving OP advice. She's already made up her mind she's going to call SS.

Is this thread for real? I mean we all get feelings where we'd love our old freedoms and our kids can drive us bonkers at times. I battled PND and never bonded straight away with dd, it wasn't easy. But I can honestly say, hand in heart, I'd never be without her and I'd never turn the clocks back now.

Many of us get some of OP's feelings but we just learn to get on with it and learn to enjoy our children, even if we've struggled at times. I think OP just wants a cop out. She had him, now she should adapt and get on with it.

Yes, my dd is a little monkey at times, but that makes me love her all the more. At least I know she's healthy and happy.

I think op can't accept somethings gone wrong in her life that she can't control and instead of fixing it wants to pretend it isn't happening.
OTOH to actually consider going to SS she must be desperate ~ also won't the childs father want him anyway?Maybe the dad isn't supportive and is undermining her and causing problems with the los behaviour.

Titsup come back and talk and think this thru,please?We'll help you