Having sex in the same room as dds................heeeeeeelp

[namechangedbutaregularmnetter]

Brief history...

I split with Dh 7 months ago, he is in a one bed premises, he has a girlfriend.

My dds spend 3 nights a week with him.
He has a double bed and a set of bunkbeds in the bedroom.
My ex is having sex with his gf while the dds are hopefully asleep.
DD2 discovered a used condom this am.
DDs are not happy with situation...have talked to him.

I have just spoken to him...apparently i am not being 'grown up' about it.

I feel sick, i have step daughters and respected their privacy at all times...
and now i'm going to rant...
feck i need a smoke...and i'm giving up....

hmmm...anyhoo....heeelp

He says they are asleep and therefore they will know no different.

I have a solicitor who has been dealing with divorce etc, but have had to temporarily close file as i cannot currently afford to proceed.

He told me that he would do nothing to hurt his children.....i will tell him that i will discuss with ss.
He is very difficult to communicate with...i am likely to get a 'piss off'!

I just wish he could have said..'jeez, you're right, i'll sort it out!'

Thanks again all, i stopped discussing it with my dds last night after some wise comments, i told them that this is not their problem to solve.

Yuck yuck yuck.

Does he think they are stupid? They're not babies.

And what is wrong with his GF that she would want to do this?

(echoing many other posters, I know)

Yep, perhaps they need to go have sex in the lounge with her 15 year old boy?

it's all shite and i feel sick...but stronger and empowered.

defo wrong in everyway. SS would have a field day. Would he allow them to watch porn?? Its the same. Its sick and he should grow up!

"He says they are asleep and therefore they will know no different."
Well he's proved wrong then isn't he by the fact you know. If they stayed asleep and knew nothing of it, you wouldn't know unless he told you! (Not saying that would be OK BTW)

Totally inappropriate, especially since your DDs are aware and have said they feel uncomfortable about it.

Tell him that you are going to ask the advice of social services, but that shouldn't bother him since he truly thinks he is doing nothing wrong, obviously when you talk to social services they will tell you it's fine...

(they won't and he'll know it!)

I think this is reasonable grounds to stop overnight visits, tbh.

It's actually a criminal offence I believe, sex in front of a minor.

The more I read of this, the more I think you should tell SS what he has been doing, and get them to back you up in stopping overnight visits.
I said inititally that I don't think this man is actually a paedophile who is going to assault his DDs, but the more I read, the more I think that they could be at risk from him in a few years' time (ie once they are in their teens and have gone through puberty). He is displaying both selfishness and a sense of sexual entitlement (in his eyes he is a man, he 'needs' sex whenever he wants it, and it is unreasonable to expect him not to have it) which are both hallmarks of abusers, whether that's domestic abusers, rapists or the sort of men who will rape their daughters because their partners have refused them sex.

OH, and if he is just utterly selfish and thoughtless but a good enough father otherwise, having the SS treat him like a child abuser should give him a wake up call he will never forget. It's possible that he is not going to admit it's wrong or apologise to you because you are his XW and therefore, in his opinion, a silly bitch whose opinions don't matter, but hearing fro outsiders how horrible this behaviour is ought to shake him up.

SGB - I think what you are suggesting is appalling. There is a world of difference between someone who is inept, selfish and can be inappropriate and a paedophile. To suggest to SS that you think he is a child abuser is the wort of thing that ruins innocent peoples lives.

Londonone: if this man is allowed to go on thinking that his sexual needs matter more than his DDs feelings it is going to damage them pretty badly. He may well be simply selfish (ie this situation would not occur if he lived in a home with a separate bedroom for the DDs) - or he may, actually, be somewhere on the abuse continuum, wanting all this sex to demonstrate that he is a MAN and has a COCK and his DDS should damn' well understand this...
I do not mean the OP should tell SS he is actually abusing the DDS ie touching them, but that she should tell SS that they report him having sex in their presence and that he has not agreed to stop doing so: then leave it up to SS.

I think you are making a pretty big jump there SGB and the tone of your posts suggests you have some sort of personal issue with this and men in general.

It's not a spurious leap imo londonone - the guy is getting his rock off in front of his 7 and 9 year old daughters and knows they are aware yet sees nothing wrong with it . It's completely possible he's getting enjoyment from it.

It's equally possible that he's just a selfish, thoughtless arse but you just don't know.

I'd like to also say that it isn't a need he's satisfying, it's a want. World of difference.

it is not appopriate to have sex in front of children who know what sex is!

does that make you an abuser?

i think an adult who puts their sexual needs above the safe emotional development of their children could be classed as abusive

TBH, i don;t think i could have sex knowing my DCs were in the room, certainly not at the age of the OPs children. don;t think DH could either

i also thikn the girlfriend is totally wrong for allowing this and having sex under these circumstances

as a parent, you have to do all you can to safeguard yoru children's emotional and physical well being, and what the OPs ex is doing is setting up his children for emotional harm

There have been threads in the past which would take issue with him even having a new partner sleep over just seven months after the marriage broke down- many posters would say he shouldn't invite his girlfriend round when his children are staying. Even without the sex aspect, I imagine it's hard for them. What an insensitive tosser.

I think it's more than likely he's putting his needs over his responsibilities as a father and the thought they're asleep is wishful thinking. However, I don't think it is that huge a leap to possible abuser - he certainly doesn't seem to have a 'normal' attitude towards this.

Can only concur with everyone else .... what sort of man (and woman FFS) can't control themselves for one or two nights ?

At their ages they might know the theory of sex but seeing and/or hearing the real thing is no different to watching porn (which is an offence if an adult has provided it) and when you add in the fact he is their father is especially sick (though obviously am not saying it would be acceptable for them to see anyone at it, but for god's sake, as their father, he is supposed to protect them).

It is illegal to have sex in front of/in the same room as a minor.

Thats all there is to it.

Is it?

Yes definately

no it's not illegal. It is however inappropriate and given that the children have said they are not happy with it I thin he needs to be told to stop.

Having recently dealt the child protection services and a case involving a mother having sex with her new partner while her 2 month old daughter slept in the crib next to them I am left in no doubt that it is illegal.

This was not what this case was about but a small point that came out!

JaquelinehydeAllTheEggs can you pprovide a link to the statute or law which explains this?

So it's illegal even with just a baby in the room?

Surely loads of parents are committing crimes all over the UK then?

(not supporting the XH in anyway whatsoever, older children, totally different IMO)