Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

shocked - mum left 9 yr old at home on own

366 replies

katiekittlemouse · 10/03/2009 20:30

was at a sports centre today with dd's and shocked to hear that whilst taking her youngest 2 dd's swimming had left the eldest dd who is just 9yrs old at home on her own!!!

I am shocked! would you do that??? I wouldn't for sure!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
stroppyknickers · 11/03/2009 16:09

not shocking at all. my 10 year old is left for up to two hours with access to food/drink/a phone etc. Why would I leave a ring on the kitchen table in an unlocked house? My dd is in a locked house when I go out. Plus, she can react to situations whereas the ring kind of can't.

clumsymum · 11/03/2009 16:24

I've lost count of the number of times we have gone to the car in the morning, finding that it's been left unlocked all night (you know how it is, unloading shopping, getting ds to clear out his sweetie wrappers,getting in the house without letting dogs escape, etc etc).

Nothing has ever happened , and we're not in the posh leafy subrbs, just a medium estate, where people walk past from the pub every night.

In the same way that there isn't a car thief checking for unlocked cars in every street, it isn't likely that a child left alone for 30 mins is going to be abducted. I mean, you hardly advertise "lone child here", and when was the last time a stranger rang your doorbell with a lame excuse, maybe looking for a child to abduct????

piscesmoon · 11/03/2009 16:45

'Would you leave your car unlocked in the drive and a diamond engagement ring on the kitchen table in the unlocked house while you went out for 2 hours?'

This is no way the same!
Firstly my DS was in the house with doors locked so that no one could get in from outside (he could get out).
Secondly DS knew that he wasn't to answer the door and he was only to answer the phone if it was me ( at the time we didn't have caller display so the arrangement was that I would give 3 rings, ring off and ring straight back).
If he felt ill I was only at the end of a mobile phone or he could have called neighbours-(quick dial on the phone).
If the house was on fire he knew the priority was to get out first-get help second.
Like cory, I find it worrying that there is so little trust and they are so babied. When they are 18 they can buy a plane ticket and set off for Thailand on their own and you can't stop them! I think it is best to work up to it gradually.
I wouldn't want to give mine the message that I didn't trust them and/or untold horrors lurk ready to get them if mummy leaves them for a few minutes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
HSMM · 11/03/2009 16:56

I don't think my DD age 9 is ready to be left home alone. I also don't think she would be happy in the house on her own.

piscesmoon · 11/03/2009 16:59

You have to be led by your DC, if they are not happy to be left then you should wait until they are ready. It is very different from the parent saying that they won't leave them because of their own fears.

ABetaDad · 11/03/2009 17:05

clumsymum - where my parents lived was 2 miles or more in any direction from the nearest house. If any strangers came to the house while I was alone (it only happened occassionally) I would hide. I had been told all about stranger danger and I knew there was no way I could get help if someone tried to attack me or abduct me. This was before mobile phones remember. I never told my parents how frightened I was.

cory - I will leave both DCs alone when they are older and of course I let DS1 (8) go on all school trips away from home now because I think that it is good for him.

Ivykaty44 · 11/03/2009 17:32

my dd is 10 - I earlier stated she was 9

dd thinks I should go out more and leave her as she is mature! I sometimes go across the road to a friend for a coffee - so not far away but it gives my dd the independence she wants and she knows I am only a few steps away.

If you dont leave them they dont learn to be able to be on their own and let go of adult presence, which is important. learning coping mechanisms, whether it be to hide or to read - betadad, are you still frightened now if left alone? Does it bother you to be left in a house alone or do you prefer someone else their with you?

i was regulary left in the house from the age of 6 whilst my mum popped to the shop or the butcher down the road and got used to being in the house on my own and not frightened.

I only ever lock my car at night, I usually make sure I have locked the house but sometimes it is left unlocked - I am not perfect.

ABetaDad · 11/03/2009 17:46

Ivykaty44 - no I am not frightened of being alone at all.

I am now quite happy being alone in very isolated and wild places as well as at home. It was just being alone and vulnerable as a child miles away from anyone with a stranger.

cory · 11/03/2009 17:53

That does sound scary, BetaDad. But nothing like the situation ds is in when I pop out to the shops and leave him with neighbours all round, access to the phone and friends just around the corner.

Ivykaty44 · 11/03/2009 17:55

See I know adults who are still afraid to be left alone, they wern't left as children and didn't get the chance to have freedom, learn to be alone and (get up to mischeif)

Now as adult (all female) they dont like to be on there own and if there dh goes away on business they have a friend to stay or go home to parent, so as not to be alone in the house.

They have said they didn't like it as a child so refused to be left - I think they missed the learning of how to be on there own. Which if there parents had perhpas done 10 mins and built up to encourage them to learn they wouldn't have a problem now.

You were left there was no choice I take it and so now you are fine?

piscesmoon · 11/03/2009 19:01

I don't think that the majority of people on this thread live in a completely isolated place.

SalBySea · 11/03/2009 19:16

from the age of 10 I walked home from school alone (about 5 mins, in a group of other kids from my school) and remained alone for an hour or so till my mum got home from work

I never answered the door when home alone (unless the neighbours from accross the road shouted who they were through the letterbox), when I answered the phone I said that my mum was in the shower and took a message.

I knew the numbers of all the neighbours and was quite capable of crossing the road to neighbours if I needed anything.

I was able to make myself snacks and knew that if there was a fire I shouldnt try to put it out, should just leave the house etc.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 11/03/2009 19:22

Not shocked at all. Regularly do this for various reasons, one or bith DC ( 11 & 9). I check oven/washing machine etc off. thye know what to do in teh event of a fire, they have phones, know not to answer the door - apart form abduction from aliens, what is likley to happen? They also go to the shops alone, walk to & from school sometimes and DS1 catches a bus sometimes alone - how else do they learn to deal with things and become independent? I did all this and the world is actuially a SAFER place now than all those yearsa go when i was a girl...
Beta dad - can see why you are not an alpha dad...

SalBySea · 11/03/2009 19:54

Betadad, I guess your experiences just shows that it depends on the child

I was much happier home alone than with the grumpy child minder up the road (which was tried first). I am quite independant and happy in my own company, I'm not the type of person who needs constant company, maybe because I was trusted as a kid?

abraid · 11/03/2009 19:58

Betadad--the big difference between a diamond ring and a nine-year old is that the latter has a brain, lungs and a pair of legs. He/she isn't just an inanimate object to be picked up. My daughter wouldn't open the door to strangers and the doors and windows are locked. How is this thief to get in, and without the neighbours noticing?

abraid · 11/03/2009 20:03

Surely what we all do is a mental risk assessment when we make these kind of decisions?

  1. How trustworthy is this child? Is he the kind who can follow house rules? Are the rules frequently spelled out?
  1. How kind and friendly are the neighbours? Would they be happy for child to ring them in an emergency?
  1. How long would it take me to get back home in an emergency?
  1. How secure is our house and our neighbourhood?
  1. How long am I likely to be away?
FAQinglovely · 11/03/2009 20:04

Guy - my DS1 (presuming he gets into the senior school I hope he does) will have a bus journey to the next town (and back again) to do when he's 11 (yr7). I won't be able to go with him as I wouldn't get back in time to drop DS2 and 3 at school. There would be other school children from the same school on the bus but it's not a "school" bus iykwim.

Can you imagine what a shock that would be to him if he'd never been given any responsibility before then!

duchesse · 11/03/2009 20:26

Goo god- our friend's children (all 3 summer born B/G twins born May, boy born August will start next sept) all will be going to different secondary schools in London in September, each about 10 miles from their home. They are/will be setting off on public transport involving 2-3 changes at barely 11 years old. Another friend's child (May born boy, just started yr 7) travels alone every day on the tube from Hampstead to The Oratory. Just imagine if none of them had ever been left alone until then...

Ivykaty44 · 11/03/2009 20:55

I was getting the bus from the Haymarket to Nunhead at 11 years old on my own. I didn't do it that often so it wasn't a bus trip I knew well but still did it.

Give children some credit and trust and they can achieve a lot if you want them to. A little at a time and often and they will be able and usually willing.

lisalisa · 11/03/2009 21:01

Only read teh op but have to say taht I regularly leave my 9 yr old ds ( soon to be 10) on his own for short periods of time - say up to half an hour and in day light hours only on weekends. If for example he's donig homeowrk adn I have to drop his sibling somwhere and he doesn't want to come he'll stay behind. Have to say he is an extremely bright and capable boy and is fully drilled on what to do in emergency etc. I am more nervous leaving his 12 yr old sister ( my dd1 ) alone than him - interestingly people are starting to ask if she can babysit their children for short periods here and there and I always refuse this as she is nowhere near capable of doing this although my 9 yr old certainly is!

Lucy88 · 11/03/2009 21:02

I must be in the minority on here then. No way would I leave a 9 year old in the house on their own for any length of time. Just not appropriate. They are children at that age and shouldn't have that sort of responsibility.

What if there was a problem with the electrics and a fire started, what if a stranger knocked on the door, what if older kids knew they were on there own and decided it was time to party?

9 is not an age to deal with any of these things or any other emergency that may happen.

SalBySea · 11/03/2009 21:07

"What if there was a problem with the electrics and a fire started" - a 9yo should know the household fire plan, as in get out then get help

"what if a stranger knocked on the door," - they know not to answer it

"what if older kids knew they were on there own and decided it was time to party" - as above

charlie1000 · 11/03/2009 21:10

I'm inclined to agree with Mumto2 and Caro. As much as it's great a lot of the posters on here feel confident nothing could happen to their children, I personally wouldn't be willing to take that risk. I think perhaps once children start secondary school, they should have more independence- My nephew is 11 and has started catching the school bus and will pop to the corner shop for his Mum to get a paper, which I think's great, but to leave my DCs at age 9 and 7 I feel is too young. I don't think anyone I know would either

Ivykaty44 · 11/03/2009 21:22

How many times has the electrics gone in your home and a fire has started? Or in your road? Or in your town?

How would older kids get in the house if the younger dc has been told not to answer the door?

Most people know there own children and their limitations. If you will be worried sick by leaving the dc then it is not worth the anguish for you or the dc as they will also pick up on the fact that you are not ready to trust them or feel they are capable of being left - which in turn will worry the child and be upsetting for everyone concerned.

Lots of parents do leave their dc for short spells though and are happy about it and do feel it gives some freedom and help them grow.

It is lovely to see such a long thread with people being able to accept other views in such a good way and agreeing even though they have different views.

I don't think I have seen such a thread before on Mn

cory · 11/03/2009 21:32

"What if a stranger knocked on the door?"-

Yes, exactly- what harm could that do, unless they open the door and let him in?
This has happened more than once when dcs have been alone at home. They know not to open- simple as.

As for older children knowing they are at home- I don't stick a sign onto the door when I pop down to the shops. It's not like most of us leave dcs alone all evening and advertise the fact to the neighbourhood: we're talking about a short spell in the middle of the day.

As for the fire- I keep doing fire drill with mine. Even if I'm at home, that does not guarantee safety: I might not wake up, or I might even panic.