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Original poster

shocked - mum left 9 yr old at home on own

366 replies

katiekittlemouse · 10/03/2009 20:30

was at a sports centre today with dd's and shocked to hear that whilst taking her youngest 2 dd's swimming had left the eldest dd who is just 9yrs old at home on her own!!!

I am shocked! would you do that??? I wouldn't for sure!

OP posts:

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FAQinglovely · 13/03/2009 12:37

what - you don't let your 7 month old out on his own - you wicked parent you

AramintaAlice · 13/03/2009 12:40

Ohhhh yes, I'm a real old meanie

FAQinglovely · 13/03/2009 12:42

ahh well give them another 12-14 months or so and they'll be making their own bid for freedom like my DS3 did the other week (out the front door to the next door neighbours cars while I was bus with DS1 and 2 )

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AramintaAlice · 13/03/2009 12:46

Lovely isn't it?

I had a similar thing with my DS3 many years ago..the house at the time was near to a road that wasn't busy, but was fairly well used.....hub could hear a cute little voice outside. 'What a sweet baby' he thought and carried on dressing and shaving etc.

The voice carried on burbling and after a while, he thought..mmm better investigate.

And yes, there was DS3 standing quite happily in the middle of the road

Niecie · 13/03/2009 13:07

Araminta - I don't think you were the only one who mentioned secondary children although I could be wrong as I read the whole thread in one go and frankly I think my head might explode if I tried to keep track of exactly who said what.

But since you mention it I think we have a different attitude - I want to built up my children's independence gradually as and when they are ready. If you haven't let your 9 yr old out alone or left them home alone (although with so many children I doubt anybody would be left alone for long - hats off to you ) I am guessing you have expected them to become independent very quickly when it was time for them to go to secondary school.

It has said many times before that it depends on the child but I still believe that my way is less stressful for my children and for me come to that!! I would rather ease us all into it.

I know DH would find all this very amusing though. He travelled from Germany to N Wales at the age of 9 or 10 by himself, with minimal supervision to go to boarding school. He still thinks of it as a big adventure for a child but he was fine and sees no reason why our DSs shouldn't be able to be left for a bit, safe at home, when he was able to do that.

mulranno · 13/03/2009 13:17

I used to leave my baby in bed asleep to get the others from school 15 min round trip knew she wouldnt wake etc...stopped when she could get out of the cot!...My mum used to leave my 10 month old sister in bed with the door unlocked for neighbours to listen in whilst she went for an antenatal in another town!!...that was the 70's

mehgalegs · 13/03/2009 13:25

mulranno - now that I wouldn't do. A 9 year old can use a phone, open a door and get out if a fire. A sleeping baby would not.

piscesmoon · 13/03/2009 13:29

'It's also tough if they want to eat chocolate bars just before dinner time, or they don't feel like going to school that day, or maybe later on they want to smoke because some of their friends do it (but that's a whole different can of worms for another thread!)

As parents we're scared to say 'no' to our children - I think that's a shame.'

This is not the same at all! I am quite an authoritarian parent and I have no trouble at all in saying 'No'.I am the adult and they are a child.
I don't just do a blanket 'No'; not trailing them everywhere you go when you are at the end of a mobile phone and you have a sensible trustworthy DC who sticks to the rules is quite reasonable.

'Caro, I was so glad that you brought up that point. The first thing my hub said when he read the posts was that the only reason the parents are so desperate to bestow 'independence' on the is because they're afraid of the tantrum that would follow if they dared to say no.'

They can tantrum all they like-I am quite unmoveable!! I am not their best friend, I am their mother and I am not in it for popularity.

I don't believe that it is taking away their childhood and they certainly weren't having sex at 13yrs! They were merely staying in the house without an adult for short periods with well defined rules that I knew they would stick to and, in the unlikely event that they couldn't get in touch with me, at least 3 adults who could have been with them in less than 2 minutes! It is hardly irresponsible.

People who won't even pop to the post box before they are 13yrs ought to wonder what they will do when the DC gets to 14/15 yrs old and doesn't want a babysitter when you go out for the evening. Do you not go out for a few years or force a babysitter on them?

piscesmoon · 13/03/2009 13:33

I wouldn't leave a baby! I would have to know that the child was happy to be left, and that the child was sensible. All rules had to be discussed first and what was to be done in an emergency. While I don't think a fire is in the least likely, a 9yr old could get out and help within a minute-a baby is helpless. There are lots of 9 yrs old that I wouldn't leave for 2 minutes-you do have to know your 9yr old!!

cory · 13/03/2009 13:45

I also would not leave a baby. That is a totally different situation and there is no way you can expect a baby to take any reponsibility. But then my mother and grandmother wouldn't have done that either. We would also be concerned about the thought of a baby crying disconsolately for 15 minutes. The only reason I leave my 8yo is I know he isn't going to cry. And he can get out and then call the fire brigade.

seeker · 13/03/2009 13:50

"Seeker, your children can't tear themselves away from home and away? That's so sad."

I beg your pardon?

mulranno · 13/03/2009 14:27

Someone did point out to me that...although risk to the baby was minimal there was a risk that something could happen to you..and no one would know the baby was alone...

charlie1000 · 13/03/2009 14:40

^English law does not specify an age when a child can be left unsupervised. However, parents may be prosecuted for neglect if they leave a child alone ?in a manner which is likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health? (Children and Young Persons Act, 1933).

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) advises that no child should be left alone under the age of twelve, or overnight under the age of sixteen. Even a short stretch without a parent or another adult around can be distressing and lonely for a young child. Most eight to thirteen year olds, even if they feel happy about being left, may not be ready to cope in an emergency.^

Quoted from the NSPCC webpage

charlie1000 · 13/03/2009 14:45

Sorry.....the Bupa website

FAQinglovely · 13/03/2009 14:48

lol yeah my DS1 always looks so distressed before I leave and after I come back - not!

The NSPCC also say you shouldn't shout............

I wonder how many on MN could honestly hold there hand up and say they've never shouted at their child(ren)

Niecie · 13/03/2009 15:03

Of course it might be destressing and lonely - nobody is saying you leave a child if they feel like that.

My DS was so far from distressed and lonely that he looked positively fed up that I came back at all. I think he was perfectly happy to be left in peace with his DS (Nintendo DS that is!).

Since it isn't the law and since the BUPA or the NSPCC don't know our children I still think it is up the parent and the child. Children can be taught to deal with emergencies!

abraid · 13/03/2009 15:04

'Most eight to thirteen year olds, even if they feel happy about being left, may not be ready to cope in an emergency.'

Unless they're Scandinavian.

I think this is just silly. There was a girl of about 11 on the TV a few nights ago who was her mother's carer!

Niecie · 13/03/2009 15:12

Exactly abraid.

And on Comic Relief tonight I have no doubt we will see plenty of examples of children even younger who are carers, both here and abroad.

Whilst I am not suggesting all our children should have level of responsibility, it does seem rather pathetic that we worry about leaving our children alone by themselves for 20 minutes when there are children of the same age with responsibility not only for themselves but for younger siblings and even adults.

charlie1000 · 13/03/2009 15:56

Yes point taken, but in an ideal world you wouldn't choose for your child to be doing that, would you?

Niecie · 13/03/2009 16:02

No of course not but it shows that children don't necessarily need to be wrapped in cotton wool and kept safe. They can learn to be independent and to show commonsense.

I would rather do it gently, when they are ready, but I do think they are ready sooner than some of us seem to believe.

seeker · 13/03/2009 16:39

Look, at the age of 9 my ds could sail a dinghy alone. She could ride a horse over jumps, swim in the sea, ride a bicycle, cook a meal, do single back and double front somersaults on a trampoline and walk on stilts. She was also occasionally left alone for an hour on the sofa watching television in her own house with a phone next to her. Would anyone care to put these activities in order of risk?

Niecie · 13/03/2009 16:47

You've got to say the sofa sitting is the safest, haven't you (unless you believe the telly is likely to blow up like my demented father).

Even if you never left her side for most of the other activities she is more at risk of injury with them than sofa sitting.

Life is full of risks but you only learn to deal with them if you actually get a chance to take some.

seeker · 13/03/2009 16:55

I know. I am just SOO baffled by these "anything could happen" people. They can NEVER say what this "anything" is!

charlie1000 · 13/03/2009 16:57

perhaps you need to re-read some earlier posts then Seeker

cory · 13/03/2009 16:58

Well, I think all recent research goes to show that the sofa sitting is by far the most dangerous activity, seeker.

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