shocked - mum left 9 yr old at home on own

[katiekittlemouse]

was at a sports centre today with dd's and shocked to hear that whilst taking her youngest 2 dd's swimming had left the eldest dd who is just 9yrs old at home on her own!!!

I am shocked! would you do that??? I wouldn't for sure!

But Araminta, for me leaving my child at home at 9 is the opposite of pushing my children into the modern world. It's that I am very oldfashioned: I parent in a very similar way to my own mother (and for that matter to my grandmother). It's the oldfashioned wholesome stuff I'm after. Independence when it comes to sailing dinghies and baking cakes. Not pouting on the internet. My 12 yo does not pout and is not over-sexualised in any way.

You speak of leaving children to play on their own as if that was a modern phenomenon in some way related to consumerism and early sexualisation. To me, it's trying to hold on to some of the things that were good about the past.

And incidentally, in Sweden where young children have far more physical independence, teenage pregnancies are far less common. Children seem more mature and less precocious. I reckon they have so many other ways of proving their abilities that they don't have to go down that particular route.

I want mine to be children- and for me, being a child means things like playing in a gang with other children, playing hide and seek, building tree houses. Not walking around holding an adult by the hand all the time.

I reckon a main reason why so many children in this country are so eager to leave childhood behind is that childhood is becoming an increasingly boring place. A place without adventure.

Good point cory.

You may not have FAQ, your children are young. Wait until they hit secondary school and you will probably see what I mean. With respect, it is hard to see this until it actually happens.

Seeker, your children can't tear themselves away from home and away? That's so sad.

As to your 'that never happens' line, that was the same line I remember being touted after Madeleine was abducted.

As for the swimming thing, mine never complained about going or appeared bored while they waited. We read their school books and chatted etc.

Absolutely, cory. My dd is very young for her age (Friends addiction notwithstanding) by "modern' standards but she has learned to be very thoughtful and responsible by sailing and riding and cooking for the family and being a Scout and being a role model for her little brother, and taking an active part in our family 'community'. Age appropriate responsibility and freedom is essential. As is, I think, age differentiation in families. I think ti's good that there are things dd is allowed to do because she's 13 that ds isn't because he's 8, and that they both know this.

Cory...that's the thing..my children rarely complain of boredom. In fact, the only one who has recently is the 17 y/o boy who has unlimited freedom. I actually don't think I've ever heard any of the others say that.

And I've just realised that you said Friends Seeker...you allow a 9 y/o to watch that? While I agree it's totally hilarious, it's completely innapropriate for a 9 y/o child.

My dd has hit secondary school, Araminta. And I still see wholesome independence as an antidote to over-early sexualisation, not as causing it.

I think the reason why I and my friends did not rush into early sex etc was because we actually found childhood an exciting and adventurous place to be. There was no hurry to grow up, because we had a lot of excitement anyway. That's how I want my dcs to feel about their childhood. Not just being safe, but also having a degree of adventure.

I can't help noticing that the country in northern Europe with the highest rates of teen pregnancy is also the country where children are the most protected and guarded.

It's not just about not complaining about boredom, Araminta. I was a well behaved child and enjoyed my parents' company, so I probably wouldn't have complained either. I just wouldn't for the world be without the memories I have.

bugger just wrote a really long post and my computer threw a wobbly and deleted it.

Basically was saying- my DS's when they hit secondary age will be travelling 12 miles to their secondary school - walk, bus, walk (and the same home again). It's not a school bus and the entire trip will take them 1hr.

Also sexualisation of our children probably comes MUCH more from the things they see around them (TV prgorammes aimed at pre/young teens now depict "young love" whereas when I was younger it was those ages going on adventures), magazines, msuic videos with "sexy" images in them.

If it were the case the freedom to be home alone/out alone = sexualisation/early sex then it would have been happening for centuries........

I must add my original post was much longer and more detailed but couldn't write the whole thing out again

I agree and neither would I or my children.

My husband who grew up in Colorado also had a wonderful childhood and says that although he was late to get into sex etc, he wouldn't give up the memories of all the childish things he did for anything. While half the class was dating and enjoying prom he and his friends were fooling around on bikes, skateboards and upturned ironing boards. Something he would never forgo for the sake of being 'independent and grown up'.

So, in some ways we agree.

I'd just never leave a 9 year old alone foe any length of time.

but surely he wasn't forgoing it - he WAS being independent - unless the parents were standing their supervising them while they mucked around.....

How annoying FAQ, I really hate that.

Yup, mine had to do that huge journey to reach the local grammar and from the 'overprotection' that I had forced upon them too, lol. Poor kids.

And I completely agree with you about the tv programmes etc. Most kids are allowed to watch programmes that are too 'old' for them, or read magazines like that.

I don't allow it here.

Although, after reaching 16 I do give them complete freedom and they seem to have emerged pretty unscathed

My husband was lucky enough to have friends who all lived on huge ranches/farms. They did all these things in the safety of their own boundaries.

oh no I'm not annoyed at all - I'm want them to go to that school..........we have 3 senior schools in town but I'd eat my hat rather than send them to any of those...........

I think it's not even them being allowed to watch programmes that are "too old" for them - even kids programmes aimed at pre/young teens seem to be much more "adult" story lines than being about a bunch of kids getting up to all sorts like we did as kids.

NOOOOO FAQ, I meant...how annoying that your computer deleted your post lol.

I wanted mine to go to the far away school too, desperately.

oh - oops mixed messages there

Yes it was a long carefully thought out one too (which is unusual for me lol) I pressed "delete" to correct something and it went mental and kept on deleting and then the mouse went funny and I had to restart firefox

Yes, the problem is that I feel so many of dd's friends are being so closely protected by their parents that they are losing all sense of childhood adventure.

They get taken to activities organised by adults. They get taken to the shops by their parents. They get to play in the garden under supervision. They get to spend an awful lot of time in front of the TV or on game stations, because then their parents know where they are. The books they read are full of adventure (particularly if older books) but they never get near to anything resembling an adventure of their own. There is no part of their lives that is not under the close scrutiny of adults. No secrets left- that seems sad to me.

To them, childhood is a boring place which they can't wait to get out of, a place where you are regarded as helpless and unable to take responsible decisions. Where everything is organised and predictable and safe. And the only way they know of growing up is through teenage rebellion.

I had the adventures as a 10-year-old: the idea of hurrying on to become an adult would have seemed laughable. The adults did boring stuff like wander around the supermarket, not taking off on secret rafts.

I also agree with what you say about the kids programmes.

At risk of sounding like a complete censor, I've now banned the trashy American programmes that teach the 'talk to the hand' type of attitude as some of the younger ones were really beginning to take on that type of attitude. Seems to have completely died down now too, after the ban, luckily.

My hub says that school as portrayed in the American tv shows, is exactly like real life over there and he hated it.

Wow, I'm sliding right off topic now....

Funnily enough, I am probably stricter than any of you when it comes to television. It's the wholesome lentil eater in me. Or my puritan father, or whatever.

No - my Friends watcher is 13! I was talking about the type of responsibility and independence she has now. But I did leave her alone at 9. Apologies for the chronological confusion.

I have come to this late, I know but there is nothing shocking about leaving a responsible 9 yr old on their own.

It is shocking not to be letting a secondary school pupil have any independence. I fully expect my 8.5 yr old to be getting himself to and from school when he is 11 and I can't expect him to be able to do that without giving him increasing amounts of responsibility in the mean time. Refusing to leave a 12 or 13 yr old home alone is amazing!

Really, you can get yourself wound up about all sorts of things that could happen to your child whilst you are out but a 9 yr old should be able to keep themselves safe if they have a set of rules to follow. So don't open the door, don't answer the phone unless you know who it is, don't use the kitchen etc, leave if there is a fire.

I left DS1 by himself 2 weeks ago. He wasn't well - he had tonsilitis. I didn't leave him the day he was in bed and bearly able to lift his head but the following days, when he was too ill for school but upright and capable of sitting on the sofa watching telly I left him to go and get DS2 from school.

He could get out of the front door if he needed to, nobody could get in. He didn't want to go - better to stay at home than getting dressed up to go out when he wasn't feeling well. I was 10 minutes most of the time but one day I was talking to a friend and was 20 minutes. He wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. I am pleased about that - what is the point of making a child scared without need.

FWIW I left for 2 hours a day for a week when I had chickenpox as a child, aged 9 and loved it. I walked to school alone and went to the shops for my parents from age 7. I was even out on the playing fields next to our house at 5 for half an hour at a time. I feel guilty that I don't trust DS1 to do those things although it is more that the opportunity doesn't arise which is sad.

I do know what you mean Cory.

I don't think mine are overprotected in that way though. I let far looser once they have to go off on their own to secondary school and mine certainly do play on secret rafts, in robbers hideouts and in the jungle etc.

They have extremely imaginative play and often come in and raid the house looking for things to furnish their imaginary worlds.

When they're older than 9, they do all this stuff away from home too and I rarely take them to depressing places such as 'kidscity' if thats what you mean by organised things.

The older ones tell me lots about their lives that I wouldn't otherwise know, I don't stick my nose into any part of their lives unless they coose to tell me. What secrets they want to keep, I'm sure I'll never know.

But I really do know what you mean. I just feel that mine, although not left home alone at 9, do have a very interesting and imaginiative life.

We have tv and we have computer games, but they don't spend a lot of time on these. Not because I restrict them, but because they can find so many other things to do that they prefer.

Oo, ok Seeker.

I thought she was 9, sorry

Niecie, in case your post was directed at me, my secondary school kids do have independence. But they didn't until then and the four who it applies to now aged, 18,17,15 and 12 coped perfectly fine with it.

My youngest , ages 9, 6 and 7 months are not allowed home alone.