Moral dilemma - whether or not to lie to DD (6) to save her feelings.

[snigger]

Background:

When DD1 was born, it was PFB all the way. DD2, as is the lot of DD2s, was greeted with equal adoration but less fanfare - the first weeks were, to be honest, all about me worrying about jealousy and displacement in DD1 on the grounds that a warm, fed, loved baby wasn't bothered about anything else.

DD2 is now 6.

Two issues: we've been putting together photo albums of them from birth to date, and the fact that there are substantially fewer baby pictures of DD2 than DD1 has been remarked upon - I explained this as best as possible without actually saying "We were too busy potty training your sister".

The issue of "DD1 is your favourite" has been brewing quietly, and DD1 most helpfully weighed in this morning at breakfast by bringing the Gund bear DH shot out to buy her minutes after birth, and remarking how she'd had this bear 'all her life'.

Needless to say, a special bear for DD2 would have been a good idea, but never appeared due to time constraints and general lack of organisation, added to the fact that DD2 was born at home, rather than metres from the hospital gift shop.

This morning, thankfully directly outside the school, DD2 turned and asked where her 'special teddy' was, to which I shooed her off with a "Not not, later".

I don't lie to my kids, and it's a major point in our house that if we can't be honest with each other what's the point. For the first time though, I am tempted to text DH, get him to buy a bear for her, and go stick it in the attic and say it must have been there since the move.

What would you do?

Dumbass thread, I know, but I really am not looking forward to telling her much as we adored her, we never quite got round to doing all the things we did with DD1.

Lie and get the bear.
Of course honesty is always the best policy, but surely there are always exceptions.
I mean, if your DD asked you today where babies come from would you tell her the truth?

Snigger, do you have a Build aBear near you? you can take tham to create their own bears and you can record messages to go inside "DD2 we love you just as much as DD1!"

Hehehe, that would do it! The build-a-bear near me always has kids queueing out of the door...unfortunately, someone saw fit to jump off a building and landed next to said queue recently, which would put me right off.

Are you sure she wont mind DD1 getting a new bear too?
If the real issue is that DD1 has more 'special' things and not the actual lack of cuddly toys, then wont the fact that DD1 is getting one too negate any kind of reassurance?

What 2pt4kids said.

yah what she said

Thanks to this thread I have just guiltily dug out the camera and taken a few snaps of my second born dozing on the sofa with his belly out .

I agree that it's about special things, not more stuff. Dig out your old bear who used to look after you when you were little. Tell dd2 he wanted to come out of retirement just to look after her. (Obv you'll have to get bear to promise not to reveal any of your secrets to dd2, but bears are generally very discrete so it shouldn't be a problem).

Can't you explain Special Bears come from the hospital.
And since she surprised you all before you could get there hers is probably still waiting for her.
And has been waiting SIX YEARS because he is so special.
And then go with her to find him (preferably without dd1).

Now THAT is genius. Is there a hospital with bears?

Thankfully, it didn't come up in the car, and I got back here and checked the thread out while pottering.

You made good points re the 'specialness' being diluted by getting them both a bear - I'd thought maybe it would be a nice "She had a bear, you had a strange looking bit of cloth, now you both have bears, everyone's happy" gesture, particularly in view of DD1's recent behaviour, but it gave me pause for thought, I called DH, and he agreed.

So I sat and had a talk to DD2 about how daft we were spending so much time blowing raspberries on her tummy instead of getting out there buying bears, but that she wasn't that into bears anyway (produce muslin & photo) but would she like to pick a bear that was special to her now, because DD1 had her bear picked for her but thought she'd probably be better at choosing such a special one.

So DD1 got to help DD2 navigate through some websites looking for a special bear, and to temper any jealousy I told DD1 she could pick any of the picture frames in the box (I have hundreds, yes, in the attic) for a picture of her and DD2 with their bears for their wall.

DD2 seems pretty gratified at the fuss, and took the explanation as to why there was no initial bear pretty well. The muslin helped - she remembers it!!

Thank you all of you, I've butchered most of your ideas and stolen them, I accept my mantle of shame as the crap mum I am, and I'm getting some batteries for the camera.

A happy ending.

It not a happy ending, she's picked a dog-ugly bear.

You realise DD2 will now be telling everyone about her special bear ? How long until he arrives?

I failed to remember to be alert the tooth fairy the other week - so the next night the tooth fairy left an apologetic note with money - and DS has been showing all his friends the note (and they were all gratifyingly impressed)

It should be here Monday by the latest (two working days, apparently), but I'm hoping earlier.

ROFL at tooth fairy - you realise you'll be locked into this correspondance for years now?

Fecking DENTRIXA in our house. DH came up with blardy latin-related name. DD not accepting perfectly pretty Pearl as alternative, but banging on about blardy Dentrixa and we will be stuck with it till our teeth fall out.

well done, snigger, disaster narrowly averted there! I'm a big sister and have to confess if there had been a similar conversation back home when I was young, I wouldn't have been able to resist being a tiny bit smug and ever-so-slightly queening it over my little sister even if I tried VERY hard.

Aww, well done snigger. Thanks to your experience, I have already agreed with DH that the best approach with PFB is to not take many photos, to help avoid any such future complications. Or rather, take loads of digital piccies and cull them heavily when we are more rational! Actually, we should probably cut down the many photos we have of our child substitute cat...presumably it would be a really bad parent who had more piccies of a pet than their PFB...

OP - don't lie, whatever else you do. Just admit that you made a mistake. It is good for kids to understand that adults can and do make mistakes. And have to pay the price/apologise/feel embarrassed/whatever. Just my opinion.

I'm pretty much with the "lie and let her feel good" camp - I grew up with a hugely dominant older sister, a PFB of the first order, and the stories of how my parents snuck me in the back door so as not to upset her when I came home from hosp etc etc have always stuck in my craw, and I KNOW I should be better adjusted about that kind of thing, but sometimes honesty just doesn't work that way.

HOWEVER, and it is a big however, how can you be sure that your lie will never be found out? I found out from reading letters after my father died that neither of my parents had attended the nativity play in which I was the Angel Gabriel - a photo from which was the principal pic of me on the sideboard for years and years. Finding this out at age 35, I wept like a baby. I realise that sound uber-pathetic, but tiny things can get hugely magnified when you feel you are second best.

NSC will ALWAYS have fewer baby pics of themselves, but that can be redressed by special pics or a photo in a bigger frame later in life - I have a pic of my dd in a 10x12 to make up for the fact that there are v few baby pics of her as my dad died when she was 9 weeks old. Whatever you decide to do, I would def start thinking about how to make dd2 feel valued right now, and if you do lie, make sure it is a secret you take to your grave (have this thread deleted for a start ) and whatever you do, don't let dd1 in on it.

Sorry for the essay! [brushes chip off shoulder and gets down form soapbox]

Aw nice to hear it all worked out. I was going to say you could tell DD2 that DD1 needed a bear to cuddle but she had mummy, daddy and a big sister so she wasn't interested in bears.

Ooops, just read your last post (must read thread more carefully in future). Well done, that sounds like a brilliant solution, I'm so pleased it's sorted out.

I loved this thread yesterday and glad a happy ending was achieved.

I am hoping we are avoiding this type of crisis by not even bothering to fill in PFB baby book or buy him a teddy.

Oh Libra, you are so strong. We had intended to do that, but then we went to John Lewis and bought this and this and this . We haven't written anything in the lovely baby book we were given though!

glad you didn't resort to lying
hang your heads in shame all you other mummies