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Moral dilemma - whether or not to lie to DD (6) to save her feelings.

165 replies

snigger · 24/02/2009 10:47

Background:

When DD1 was born, it was PFB all the way. DD2, as is the lot of DD2s, was greeted with equal adoration but less fanfare - the first weeks were, to be honest, all about me worrying about jealousy and displacement in DD1 on the grounds that a warm, fed, loved baby wasn't bothered about anything else.

DD2 is now 6.

Two issues: we've been putting together photo albums of them from birth to date, and the fact that there are substantially fewer baby pictures of DD2 than DD1 has been remarked upon - I explained this as best as possible without actually saying "We were too busy potty training your sister".

The issue of "DD1 is your favourite" has been brewing quietly, and DD1 most helpfully weighed in this morning at breakfast by bringing the Gund bear DH shot out to buy her minutes after birth, and remarking how she'd had this bear 'all her life'.

Needless to say, a special bear for DD2 would have been a good idea, but never appeared due to time constraints and general lack of organisation, added to the fact that DD2 was born at home, rather than metres from the hospital gift shop.

This morning, thankfully directly outside the school, DD2 turned and asked where her 'special teddy' was, to which I shooed her off with a "Not not, later".

I don't lie to my kids, and it's a major point in our house that if we can't be honest with each other what's the point. For the first time though, I am tempted to text DH, get him to buy a bear for her, and go stick it in the attic and say it must have been there since the move.

What would you do?

Dumbass thread, I know, but I really am not looking forward to telling her much as we adored her, we never quite got round to doing all the things we did with DD1.

OP posts:
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GooseyLoosey · 24/02/2009 11:30

Agree with those who say to lie and buy a "backdated" bear.

My dd lost her favourite cuddly toy (aged 3), did I 'fess up and say it was gone but I would get a replacement or did I buy replacement, dirty it, put it in washer and give to dd? The latter of course - what would the point of anything else be!

Truth, in my view, is not an all consuming virtue. Most of the time the truth is required, but there are times when it serves no purpose at all and a lie would be kinder and make someone happier - this is one of those times. What on earth would be the virtue in telling the truth here?

SweetCheeksLovesSweetTalk · 24/02/2009 11:31

She'll hold it against you forever

deepinlaundry · 24/02/2009 11:32

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DaisyMooSteiner · 24/02/2009 11:36

Truth for truth's sake is overrated IMHO, it's the outcome that's important. Going back to your biro analogy - if your dd scribbled on the wall, then realised she'd made a mistake and cleaned it carefully so that it was as good as new, would you still really want her to fess up? Or just acknowledge that she'd made a mistake, she'd realised and rectified it and all's well that end's well?

snigger · 24/02/2009 11:36

Daisy -

I think it's all exacerbated by the fact that I have DSD (17) whose visits are a bit hit & miss at the moment (teenage social life ) - DD1 has always wobbled between being oldest sister/middle sister, dependant on who's in the house, and since DSD has been less of a regular feature she's been power-mongering a bit - if I was play amateur psychologist, I'd say she's a bit unsettled, and DD2's getting the sharp end of it - hence her (DD1) uncharacteristically swift jump-in with both feet re the bear this morning.

It's never really been a matter of upset before - this is the first time it's come up in a format that worries me.

OP posts:
spinspinsugar · 24/02/2009 11:37

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Helen31 · 24/02/2009 11:37

I'm youngest of 4, so well familiar with the photo issue, although I can only remember spotting it as an older child (I think this was something to do with slides being a popular format in the 70s, so seeing piccies was a major and rare event in our household). My parents did try to be scrupulously fair in how they treated the four of us otherwise. I did have a teddy, but fairly sure it was from GPs - like Minnie Mouse. I also had a little Minnie Mouse dress that my Dad brought back from a work trip to the US when I was a toddler. I did love that dress (although I can't ever remember wearing it!), as I had a lot of hand me downs (two older sisters).

But please don't lie to your DD2! And I would strongly support stealthsquiggle's suggestion. I know that I was born at home, and the story about where my dad and siblings were. And I hope my Minnie Mouse dress eg illustrates that there are lots of ways of making later DCs feel special in their own right - take her to buy a bear.

I'm sure you have this one covered, but do make sure that you display equal numbers of pictures of your DDs around the home, won't you? So while there are more pictures in existence of oldest child, when it comes to ones you actually look at regularly, everybody's equal.

tigermoth · 24/02/2009 11:38

Agree, buy a backdated bear if a special bear means such a lot.

But tell your dd how every birth is so different - one was as home and one was in the hospital for instance, so not everything is the same.

Tell her how lovely and different she is from her sister. Remind her that when her sister is old enough to leave home, she may well go to college, so dd2 will have you all to herself when she is older.

stroppyknickers · 24/02/2009 11:39

Don't buy a bear. How mad! It won't be in any of the last six years' worth of fotos and dd1 will definitely not collude with you in the lie. We have four and the children laugh abouit how ds3 has about half a page of a baby book whereas dd1 has about two, fully completed. Just explain grandad bought her a special toy when she was born. Or ask if she wants to go get one now.

GrinnyPig · 24/02/2009 11:40

I think she just needs to hear that you love them both the same and that having a bear or lots of photos doesn't change that. I have two DDs. We have hundreds of photos of DD1 and a small selection of DD2. It is glaringly obvious and has been commented on loads of times. DD2 did complain once that she was given lots of hand me down clothes. I explained that this meant she had a lot more than DD1 ever had because DD2 gets the old ones and new ones. DD2 also gets the better deal in many other ways, I tend not to be so strict with DD2, so she gets to stay up later and do other things that DD1 wasn't allowed to do until she was older. Life is not always fair and I don't think she will be harmed by knowing this, even at the age of 6.

Helen31 · 24/02/2009 11:43

Ah, just read your latest post about DSD. Sounds like DD1 may need a little tlc too, doesn't it?

But still stick by what I said about DD2 - even though I continue to be incredibly gullible, I always knew when parents were lying about important things. And reassuring your DCs that you love them equally and in their own right is v. important!

Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 11:43

I wouldn't lie.

There wasn't a shop nearby when she was born. Then Great-Grandad bought her a special soft toy.

If she would still like a special bear from you, you can go and choose one together.

DaisyMooSteiner · 24/02/2009 11:44

I've side-stepped this issue by not being organised enough to have the baby photos in albums at all!

Like you say, it sounds as though dd1's feeling a bit unsettled at the moment and she's taking it out a wee bit on her little sister. Sounds as though some 1-on-1 mummy time is in order for both of them!

morningpaper · 24/02/2009 11:47

I am normally all for telling the truth but I WOULD LIE BLATANTLY because I think you have been a BIT neglectful on this issue TBH

In fact I would buy a special box and a special bear and say "Oh I think it must be in the attic somewhere... I know we had one..." and then bring it out

And then buy BOTH children large memory boxes and make sure that you put all their sentimental stuff in there from now on.

saintmaybe · 24/02/2009 11:48

if you lie about things you will get caught out, not necessarily every time or straight away, but you will get caught out. If you want your dds to trust you and tell the truth to you don't make lying seem acceptable. Do you tell dd1 you're going to lie to her sister? And tell her to, and know that she'll not only be wondering whether you lie to her as well, but give her a much bigger hold over her sister if she chooses to tell all.

The bear is not a big issue, but trust and honesty is.

Just trust your very good instincts, snigger.

Sycamoretree · 24/02/2009 11:49

I would do what custardo said - tell her the truth about what it's like when 2nd children come along - everyone coos over them, even the oldest child, but there's not the same amount of time to remember everything. My mum made a huge fuss of me the two years my sister was off at Uni and I was still at home - she said this was my special time that my sis had had when she was PFB! I liked her logic! If she would like a bear now, make a lovely special day out of taking her to a fabulous toy shop and letting her pick whatever she wants, taking her for a nice lunch etc. All she needs is a demonstration of your love - not an old fairy story that, being truthful with you now, she will most likely figure out to be a load of old shite when she is either in her twenties, or becomes a mum herself. I'd hate to discover a stupid lie like that in my past, when really, I was just looking for resassurance that I was loved equally. Good luck

morningpaper · 24/02/2009 11:51

She must SURELY have a bear or toy that she's had since birth though - SURELY? Did you not buy one from your older child when she was born? Did no relatives buy her one?

PlumBumMum · 24/02/2009 11:51

at first I thought get the bear and lie,

but she would love knowing you had her at home and thats very special, and no gift shop, silly daddy didn't get out,of house because he didn't want to leave his new family, and if she wants she can go get her own special teddy now, yeaap and as squonk says too

morningpaper · 24/02/2009 11:52

Do you have any of YOUR old toys from your childhood? Could you say "We didn't buy one for you because I've kept this special one just for you from when I was little..."

Sycamoretree · 24/02/2009 11:52

But MP - I agree, the lack of bear is a bit of an oversight, but as this child gets older, she will be flummoxed by the logic of hiding a baby gift up in the loft, rather than letting her cuddle it and cherish it and love it from birth as per her sister.

What possible excuse will the OP be able to come up with? Just as bad to say, oh, we forgot about your special birth bear, it'sin the loft, as to say, we forgot to buy one altogether.

The truth will dawn on her one day - better just be honest now.

saintmaybe · 24/02/2009 11:54

MP! No way! Not you!

morningpaper · 24/02/2009 11:54

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOYS FROM WHEN SHE WAS BORN

I am taking her side now

Can't you rustle up ANYTHING?

did you not have a special day for her - naming ceremony/baptism? NOTHING?????? NO PRESENTS NO NOTHING?????????????

TickleMe · 24/02/2009 11:57

Agree with MP, she must have something!

EllieG · 24/02/2009 11:57

Sorry not read all the posts just the beginning bit - but have you thought of explaining to her how special it was that she was born at home? Hence no gift shop but an amazing experience for you etc etc

TickleMe · 24/02/2009 11:58

I dont think a home birth really excuses the fact that there is no bear, after all you did leave the house eventually and was able to o out beofre she was born.

No home birth doesnt cut it, you need to lie to make up for it