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Moral dilemma - whether or not to lie to DD (6) to save her feelings.

165 replies

snigger · 24/02/2009 10:47

Background:

When DD1 was born, it was PFB all the way. DD2, as is the lot of DD2s, was greeted with equal adoration but less fanfare - the first weeks were, to be honest, all about me worrying about jealousy and displacement in DD1 on the grounds that a warm, fed, loved baby wasn't bothered about anything else.

DD2 is now 6.

Two issues: we've been putting together photo albums of them from birth to date, and the fact that there are substantially fewer baby pictures of DD2 than DD1 has been remarked upon - I explained this as best as possible without actually saying "We were too busy potty training your sister".

The issue of "DD1 is your favourite" has been brewing quietly, and DD1 most helpfully weighed in this morning at breakfast by bringing the Gund bear DH shot out to buy her minutes after birth, and remarking how she'd had this bear 'all her life'.

Needless to say, a special bear for DD2 would have been a good idea, but never appeared due to time constraints and general lack of organisation, added to the fact that DD2 was born at home, rather than metres from the hospital gift shop.

This morning, thankfully directly outside the school, DD2 turned and asked where her 'special teddy' was, to which I shooed her off with a "Not not, later".

I don't lie to my kids, and it's a major point in our house that if we can't be honest with each other what's the point. For the first time though, I am tempted to text DH, get him to buy a bear for her, and go stick it in the attic and say it must have been there since the move.

What would you do?

Dumbass thread, I know, but I really am not looking forward to telling her much as we adored her, we never quite got round to doing all the things we did with DD1.

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morningpaper · 24/02/2009 12:25

yah yah mushy fine

My 3.5 year old decided she wanted her 'baby blanket' last night - I rummaged around and found an old cot sheet that was on the cot when she was a baby (not that she ever slept in it) - this satisfied her and she dragged it to nursery today Linus-stylee....

stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 12:25

So all you need now is a bear to look after her 'mushy' for ever more...

snigger · 24/02/2009 12:26

By the way, it was an accidental home birth, no time for plastic sheets and hygiene, don't you know - only time for DH to squeal like a girl at the 999 operator for suggesting he deliver the baby himself, while DD1 asked me to play jigsaws...

Hence the rug.

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Helen31 · 24/02/2009 12:27

Yes, yes snigger, mushy will be fine. I had a manky blue blanket that I was inseperable from (mum had to tear it in half to have any chance of washing it ever). To be honest, would rather have that (assumed long ago consigned to bin as too disgusting ) than the teddy I still have which can't really remember ever playing with.

Go mushy!

snigger · 24/02/2009 12:28

Woodenspoon, are you really Richard Branson ?

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stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 12:29

woodenspoon roughly what premium should we expect to pay for 'specialness' ?

stardazzle · 24/02/2009 12:29

snigger - snap! my DD2 was an accidental home birth too.

Go with the mushy and tell her as a baby she didn't like teddies and just threw them out of the cot and that if no she thinks that she would like her own special teddy you would be happy to get her one.

Sycamoretree · 24/02/2009 12:30

I am close to suggesting this thread for MN classics already. PMSL

snigger · 24/02/2009 12:31

Well, an afternoon in the attic cursing my way through boxes beats a guilty conscience - it's the Highland Calvinist in me!

Thank you all. Genuinely - I was so worried about how to handle this honestly but lovingly - this way she gets a rag the reassurance she needs and I get to pretend I own the moral high ground.

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morningpaper · 24/02/2009 12:31

You could make up a box of Lovely Baby things from all the crap in the attic?!

woodenspoon2 · 24/02/2009 12:32

Well, they are v special. Some have a lovingly pre-chewed ear (add £10). Others have a discreet whitish patch which is probably a little spit-up (add £15). Some have a faint uriniferous whiff (add £20)...

Helen31 · 24/02/2009 12:33

Is it only me who is thinking "photoshop" - cue purchase of woodenspoon Special Bear and insertion into key snaps from previous 6 years?

No, no, that would be WRONG.

lljkk · 24/02/2009 12:33

I haven't read every post on this thread.
But if it were me, about the special bear bought the DD1 the day she was born, I would tell DD2 "We didn't buy you one then, would you like to choose one for yourself now?"

I mean, how important is the F*ing bear? What she wants to know is that SHE is special to you. You can communicate that without having to bring anything about her sister into it. I try to subscribe to the idea that Fair parenting is about making sure each child's needs are met, not meeting each child's needs in exactly the same way.

woodenspoon2 · 24/02/2009 12:34

Was there a consensus about the ethics of pretending DB1 is DB2 in photos?

Helen31 · 24/02/2009 12:36

Woodenspoon2 - now, I sense a business opportunity here. Am expecting PFB any day now, so if those of you with excess soft toys could send them my way, I could arrange the judicious application of chewing/spit-up/wee then split profits 50/50 with you?

DaisyMooSteiner · 24/02/2009 12:36

yy Helen31, I was idly wondering on my way to preschool just now whether snigger knows any little baby girls she could get to pose in her dd2's baby clothes, clutching the 'special bear'. Photoshop idea is much more sensible

branflake81 · 24/02/2009 12:39

Don't lie. She might buy it now but in years to come she will look back and realise you just cooked up the bear in the loft story to placate her and will probably be quite pissed off.

I think the idea of explaining she was born at home and therefore no shop is a good one and then get her to choose a special bear if she wants.

If you make it into a big deal it will be a big deal when really, in the long run, it isn't.

woodenspoon2 · 24/02/2009 12:41

We need to think bigger than this, Helen. We could do whole faux scrapbooks and memory boxes as well. People could send us photos of their interiors and we could photoshop babies into them. Also could plunder charity shops for elderly toys to be doctored.
Name for our business?

snigger · 24/02/2009 12:43

Ah, what a tangled web we weave...

So, the MN consensus is that I should scour the streets of Scotland for a child reminiscent of DD2 aged 6mths to 4yrs, photograph said child or children clasping a pre-sicked-up-on bear of as yet unknown origin, being sure to distress the bear relative to the age of the child in the picture, then heft my not insubstantial arse up to the attic in order to hide it in a special box of Lovely Baby Things culled from the sort of crap one sticks in an attic?

Honesty is not the best policy, it's just sane.

Woodenspoon, I have a tumble-drier guaranteed to shrink and slightly fade anything other than industrial cotton if you have need of it for your, er, enterprise

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stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 12:45

My DM is my DD's advocate on all neglected-second-baby matters (no idea why, unless she feels guilty that I was a NSB, since she was an only child) - she is currently having a go at me because the 'rogues gallery' in our dining room has more photos of DS than DD. DS is 6, DD is 2. We have 4 years more of DS photos, FGS.

(but I haven't put any new ones up for 18mths, which I must do something about )

woodenspoon2 · 24/02/2009 12:46

Roffle, snigger. we still need a name:
"Second Amongst Equals"?

snigger · 24/02/2009 12:49

Or "Second Best"

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Danceaway · 24/02/2009 12:49

Love the vintage bears idea, def a goer for cash rich time poor society nostalgic for simple pleasures of bygone days.
Agree she doesn't need a bear BUT for sake of ease, and big sis rubbing her face in it (have two dds and know feeling) why not get her a bear to be friends with dd1's and just say- Look! how wonderful, it's your bear! Say it was a present you've had lying around and you bought it for her a while ago, can't remember when exactly but when she was younger? Be vague and you are not actually lying...

Lemontart · 24/02/2009 12:49

I agree with mp - go round up some of the early clothes/rattle/blanket/mushy etc and when she is home from school why not say you were having a tidy up and look what you found... cue all the memorabilia. Talk to her about each one and tell her how excited and happy you were when she was born, what a cutie she was etc. and let her touch, feel, enjoy remembering with you. Perhaps get both girls a memory box each over the weekend and start building up their own collection of stuff so they can see you treasure and value them both.
Don?t lie to her, just tell her how much you both love her now and how excited you were when she was born. As long as she hears and can see that, you don?t need a hugely expensive bear.

stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 12:50

Noooooo - you are limiting your market. What about the truly-neglected-third-and-subsequent-babies?