Amey, thanks very much for your post. But really, I might be sounding pathetic but I'm not!
As for all the revenge stuff I think most people, including myself, have just been having fun with it. I don't believe a healthy marriage is based on revenge or sulking! But of course, as revenges go, I do hope he will end up missing me and feel rather silly without me when he's there.
As for his mil, I always thought I was the one in control, if anyone was. She is a kind, rather silly woman. She is childish and childlike and I certainly have never found myself pushed around by her. Theirs is a big, strong, loud family though who think they're pretty great and should always get their own way which could swallow an in law up (as it has done by brother in law who is quiet and from a quiet, small family), but mine is a big, strong family too, who I think are pretty great! We spend the summer at my mother's holiday cottage over here (but she's not always there of course!), rather than at his family's place. And we spend Christmas with my family rather than his because I live away from mine and we live in the same city as his. I have been adamant about this even though after every Christmas mil calls up dh up saying how dull it is without us (clearly she actually just meant her son!) and how boring her son in law is. You see what I mean about child like?!
I could have caused a real stink about this holiday but didn't see the point in demanding that I come too or that my husband doesn't go. I wouldn't exactly feel welcome. And banning my husband would mean he and his family would resent me. As I said in an earlier post if he and they don't understand then all that happens is that I seem petty or clingy, unable to be without my husband. As I said to him when he said couldn't I go to London, that is not the point, I'm well able to be without him for a week. I'm not sure how to make him really get this without his position changing from being in the wrong (not meaning in a vengeful way here) to him thinking it's wonderful to get away from his nagging wife. If he genuinely understood then I could put my foot down (my brother would understand, but then he's been brought up with different values) but he is his parents' child. He is actually very much the 'man' in the family. He has taken over the family business from his father and his mother and sister etc turn to him for advice about most things. Never seemed weak. Perhaps it's a little selfishness and then different upbringing. He said when she'd first mentioned it he'd thought of the trips his father and his uncles had taken with their parents. I explained it was different if it was the children suggesting it and presumedly discussing it with their spouses. He got that. But there's a limit to what I can do. Demanding he doesn't go, ultimatums etc don't work on him. I think me saying what I think and then letting him go is my only option. I hope it works. If it doesn't then a serious talk/step is needed. But he's certainly not a doormat, he's been the adored older child/sibling and perhaps that's the problem. Contrary to what it seems I don't let myself get pushed around by him. I have confidence in myself and my worth. Am just frankly so baffled by this (as no one I know would do this, and how he and his family just don't get it) that I am non plussed as to what to do and can't help laughing (ish ) as it's so ludicrous.
Apologies for this convoluted, waffling and tedious post. Hard to concentrate with furious baby (still furious from puree force feeding an hour ago!) on my knee! And thank you again (if you're still reading!) for your thoughtful message.