DS not invited to brother's wedding

[shawad]

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

I got married this year. It would have never occurred to me not to invite children as I always considered weddings to be a big family occasion and what's family without children?
Anyway because we had children of our own we felt of course that it would be silly to exclude children. However when the answers started to arrive we realised that the vast majority of our friends were going to take their children along. We ended up with over 30 child guests! (so about 1/4 guests were under 12)
Our solution was to have the under 2's with the parents at the table and have 3 tables at a separate corner especially for the children. We did do a separate childrens' menu, chicken, chips and veg, because we knew they wouldn't be keen on what we had chosen for the adults. We had asked a few of the teenage guests if they wouldn't mind being babysitters at the children's tables, we would pay them, but they all declined payment, so we just gave them a gift. We had a telly and DVD for when they finished their meal before the adults were finished. We also had a clown to entertain the children during the 'reception' (drinks and nibbles before the meal, belgian style).
We never had any trouble with the children. All kept nice and quiet during the ceremony and there were no children running around wildly amongst the table because they had their own corner where they entertained themselves or they were dancing on the dancefloor to the background music. All parents were very happy with the arrangements for the children and have told us that it has been one of the best weddings they've been to in a while. We managed to find a balance between parents having some peace and the children having a good time. The cost was kept in check because we used(volunteer) friends and family as babysitters and entertainers. I suppose it also helps that we were married in Belgium, which is known to be very child friendly and the staff at the hotel where we had our 'do' went out of their way to make sure we had suitable arrangements for the children that would keep the parents happy too.
If I were the OP I would have another word with my brother, because if these children are the only children in the family, then I'm sure they wouldn't be in the way. His future SIL should be able to see that too.

I was 'invited' to a wedding where babes in arms were definitely excluded. Had been invited when I was heavily pregnant, by people I thought were good friends. Was talking to them about it when ds was a month old - two months before wedding - and they made it clear he was NOT invited 'as it's in a vineyard so not suitable for children'. FFS, what did they think a three month old was going to do, drink the place dry?

NO excuse at all as the groom had a 12yo girl so must have known how impossible it would have been to do what they suggested. Which was to find a babysitter, leave ds at home, and travel 80 miles away to this damn wedding.

I was so cross, especially because ds was tiny and I was in that 'do even look at my baby the wrong way' new mum phase. But even once I'd got through that, I still think the couple were being astonishingly rude.

They are no longer friends of ours, btw.

there are always lots of threads about this with the same answers but to OP it is their wedding they should be able to do it their way, likewise if you think you would rather not go then don't and don't hold any hard feelings just move on from that

I don't take it personally when people ay no children I just don't go because it is not my thing, does not really matter

My goodness, this IS a contentious issue...who knew?

The person/people paying for the wedding gets to decide on the guest list. That's it no ifs, buts or maybes.

If you can't/don't want to go cause someone else isn't invited then return the RSVP "Unable to attend". If you are best man and cannot go because your kids are not invited then don't but be prepared for fall out.

This isn't that complicated.

We had kids at our wedding, I have been to plenty that didn't - not something to get your knickers in a twist about.

Those evil women, eh? Controlling those poor men's every thought and deed.

It annoys me slightly that people get so obsessively insistent that their views on weddings are the only acceptable ones. WOuld you insist on bringing your uninvited child to someone else's birthday party - or a funeral, because you thought it was a family occasion, never mind the feelings and wishes of the people hosting the event? Or is it just weddings that bring out the stupidity in most people?

Heyheyhey! Come to my uncle's funeral! Bring the kids - it'll be a rollicking scream!

Sticks - there's a very good reason why people don't chuck their kids in the car for every funeral they go to. D'oh!

Not read all posts a too long, but can you take your MIL along as a babysitter, and your wife pop in and out to the wedding?

Thanks for all the replies - I thought I'd wait until I got enough (!) responses before reading and replying.

To add some facts - future SIL is well aware of how upset/angered our family (inc my parents) are at the decision. My brother adores DS, and tried to talk her round, but she finally phoned my DW the other day, and even after all the counter arguments my wife could give about childcare etc and the fact she might not be there SIL still said 'no children'.

The real stinger was when she finished with "I hope this doesn't cause a family fallout" - effectively turning this back onto us!

I will be attending the wedding, but I've decided that I can't be best man, stand next to them and be all smiles etc when I know they've made their decision even when they knew how everyone felt. I've still to work out how I'm going to break the news to my brother. I don't feel good about doing this, but IMO I've not been left with much choice, and it's better than turning up and putting some snide comments in the speech as some have suggested. I also don't feel that I'll be able to commit enough time on the day to be his best man (ie turn up at his v early or night before, help him get ready on the day, stay late to make sure everything runs smoothly).

My parents are making an equal 1/3 contribution to the wedding (as they did for mine) and so that's why I feel they should have some say over the guest list and invite their family/friends.

My wife won't be going, which is sad, but she can't leave a 4 mnth old and a 20 mnth old with her mother, and the wedding is on a Thursday so the chances of getting another relative to look after them is slim.

So it will be turn up, wish them all the best, and leave, at least that way it turns it back onto them (not that I think they'll care).