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Original poster

DS not invited to brother's wedding

184 replies

shawad · 09/12/2008 10:00

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

OP posts:
beanieb · 09/12/2008 13:16

I have to disagree Catweazle, for everyone it's not about the 'joining of two families' and for everyone that's certainly not the most important thing.

I am getting married next year and I am happy for kids, family and friends to come because I am prepared to compromise as that's what my OH wants, but I know I would feel much more comfortable if it were just me and my H2B and a couple of witnesses and no fuss.

pooka · 09/12/2008 13:26

There was a thread in february about a situation startlingly similar to familyfeud's. The OP there had a 1 year old who was not invited to the service, but was welcome for the party. Wonder if they're the same?

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 13:32

Weddings are all about joining two families IMO-otherwise why bother to get married? You don't just get a DH, you get his parents, siblings, cousins etc. I think it is peculiar to think he comes alone and hasn't got a whole network of people who have loved him (and been loved in return) since birth.
I can appreciate people excluding DCs -but when you have close family members, one of which you want to play a leading part, you have to allow for their childcare arrangements. Has the bride even thought what a small breast fed baby is supposed to do?
I would wish them well, say that although you would love to be there it is impossible.

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squeaver · 09/12/2008 13:38

Also, people who do not have children sometimes really have no idea of the logistics, especially with eg a BF baby. I know I didn't.

skidoodle · 09/12/2008 13:44

Of course people without children don't know the logistics of childcare, feeding etc.

But people don't do these things in isolation, do they? Surely someone has pointed out to them what they are asking of the OP and his wife?

I guess perhaps not, in which case it is maybe worth trying to tell them quite how much they're asking of their supposedly best man.

The generous way for them to have approached this would have been for them to has asked the OP and his wife how they could arrange things in a way that would suit them.

beanieb · 09/12/2008 13:46

Piscesmoon, people get married because they are in love, because they want to create theri own family, for legal reasons.

Joining the families is not the primary reason I said yes to my OH, it's because I wanted to marry him.

Anyway - if by marrying you are joining two families where is it written that you have to have a party or a big ceremony?

Plenty of people piss off and do it by themselves.

Obvioulsy in teh case of the OP they are having the ceremony, the best man, the party... but it's not true for everyone and it shouldn't have to be.

pudding25 · 09/12/2008 13:55

I have not read all this post. I think it is a disgrace (them, not you). I would have a serious chat with your brother. If it can't be changed, is there any way you can all stay at the venue and the family can take it in turns looking after the kids?

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 14:09

They are in love and they may want their own family, but they also want the other person to be part of their birth family. The groom is obviously close to his brother or he wouldn't have asked him to be bestman! If he wants him to be bestman he has to allow for childcare difficulties with very young children. They don't have to have a big ceremony beanieb-friends have just gone off for the day and got married with 2 witnesses off the street- a good way to avoid DCs! However this wedding is including family members (their choice)and then making it impossible to attend!

bonnycat · 09/12/2008 15:49

Having been to a wedding this summer where the brides 18 month old cousin screamed for a good ten minutes during the ceremony and the parents didnt take him out until after he had ruined the couples vows i can understand why anybody might want a childfree wedding to be honest.
It does seem very harsh though that they wouldnt invite their own nephew especially if he and his sibling are the only little ones who would be there.

Sunshine78 · 09/12/2008 16:00

Not read all but speak to your brother and assure him if dc play up they will be swiftly removed - sure your wife could sit with someone who could help her out. Also speak to your parents and see if they can have a quiet word. Weddings are meant to be a family affair and key members of that family should not be left out.

bratnav · 09/12/2008 16:09

Ummm, has anyone noticed that the OP made 1 post and has not returned

catrin · 09/12/2008 16:15

Agree with juuule. Don't argue, just state the facts.

FWIW, I think I think weddings are a very special time for 2 people, the family is not the important bit, the couple involved are. I think it is nice if people want you there to share it with them, but it is not a right, it should be a privilege (unless someone else is paying, which is a different situation...)

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 16:52

It isn't a right to share it with everyone but they could go and do it quietly without involving family they do not have to have the big traditional wedding.
I don't think OP is over reacting-they ask him to be best man and then make it impossible for him to attend!
I think he should get his brother on his own and ask him how he is expected to leave a bf baby.

squeaver · 09/12/2008 17:12

Bratnav - I agree, but he is a bloke...

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 09/12/2008 17:12

But piscesmoon the OP is not breastfeeding the baby himself.

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 17:21

But his wife won't be able to go, I don't think it is very friendly to invite a couple knowing that only the man can go. I can't remember all the information. It is pretty easy for him to pop along if it is near home but weddings often involve travel. The silly thing is that if it is a church wedding his wife and DCs are entitled to be in the church anyway-they would only be banned from the reception!
If it was my brother I would work out a compromise. The bride is not making a very good start to married life by upsetting everyone.

hatwoman · 09/12/2008 17:28

agree with juule - the other thing to explain is some basic facts about child and baby care which, through no fault of their own, they aren;t aware of. ie the vast majority of b-f babies will not take a bottle and need feeding every 2-4 hours. it's the most basic fact but one which I think lots of childless people are genuinely unaware of. you can elaborate a bit more about complex feeding/sleeping patterns, how hard it is to look after a child and that there is no-one you can ask but it's this one thing that, to me, is the most important. and if that doesn't make them realise that by not inviting the kids they are effectively excluding your dw, then handle the situation with grace. go. be best man, leave early. if they half an ounce of sensibility they will know you are hurt.

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 09/12/2008 17:32

I would just have a chat with them and find out exactly why the kids aren't wanted - if it's just a worry that they'll screech through the ceremony then is it really the end of the world if the wife stays outside with them?

TheFalconInThePearTree · 09/12/2008 18:07

It's their wedding and their right to invite only the people they wish.

I've absolutely no problem with child free weddings and I can understand why people want one, in fact I think it'd be my preference too if I get married.

I understand that it makes things rather difficult for you and your wife but it's their day.

The only circumstance in which I'd say people are being unreasonable for not inviting a child is if they have asked the child in question to be a flower girl/pageboy and haven't invited them to the reception. Now that really is rude.

doucenuit · 09/12/2008 18:08

Don't have a feud about it, it's not worth it.

If the bride ends up having children, she'll look back and feel a bit embarrassed, possibly (or maybe not). If she doesn't, she'll never change her opinion. Either way if you've been devastatingly polite and gone along with it rather than making a fuss then you will have the moral high ground. Making a fuss is highly unlikely to lead to your children being invited and if it does is likely to ruin the wedding for you as you'll be aware all the time you're there that they're not really welcome and it will put an argument at the heart of the day - OK a victory of sorts but just not worth it.

They don't have any right to be offended if your other half doesn't go though - as nonparents they really do just have to take your word that babysitting won't work in this particular situation. So long as you're staying polite and friendly they won't mistake that for emotional blackmail or a huff, even if you're feeling a bit that way, hopefully.

I also think the best man issue is completely separate - do it and feel sad your whole family is not there, by all means, but don't make one conditional on the other.

nkf · 09/12/2008 18:16

I think it's threads like these that probably make couples run off to Vegas. Is it really expected that the bride and groom invite friends of the parents? Even if they don't know them?

bandgeek · 09/12/2008 18:27

Weddings are a pain in the arse. Everyone would be so much better just running off to elope - would save a lot of hassle!

kerala · 09/12/2008 18:29

Its their wedding their choice. I can underztand the exclusion of toddlers. Surely better for all concerned if they dont come unless its a really child friendly wedding with things for them to do (speaking from bitter experience of cousins toddler rampaged round the church as we made our vows..).

That said we have just been invited to a child free family wedding 4 hours drive away. Happy to leave the toddler with GPs for a night but what about the breastfed 3 month old? My boobs would explode and planning to exclusively breastfeed so looks like will be giving that one a miss.

Squitten · 09/12/2008 18:33

Not your wedding, not your decision.

Your SIL can say that she doesn't want children at it but your brother also has the option to argue with her and put his foot down equally hard if he wants your children to be there. Easy to dump on the bride but it doesn't sound like the groom is much better here...

If you feel that strongly about it, you have the right to turn down being best man but you have to ask yourself if it's worth the row it will cause.

lauraloolajinglesalltheway · 09/12/2008 20:32

Im not a fan of children at weddings as it can turn into a kids party!

Having said that 1 child and 1 baby isnt going to make any difference. I think they are being a little unreasonable and can see where you are coming from. Have you had a chat with your brother yet? Maybe over a beer and just raise it in conversation??