Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DS not invited to brother's wedding

184 replies

shawad · 09/12/2008 10:00

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

OP posts:
jumbly · 11/12/2008 20:24

Whatever you do, don't give up the opportunity to be best man...Now THAT'S a speech I'd pay to hear....(only joking - mostly)

elkiedee · 11/12/2008 20:39

I suspect your brother and SIL to be aren't really quite aware of the implications of what they're asking. I don't think you're overreacting to the exclusion of your kids - it doesn't seem fair to not invite you and your DW in a way which makes it possible to attend, ie definitely with the youngest but probably with both your dcs. It doesn't mean that they have to invite every other child of anyone attending.

I think you should try and chat to your brother about how difficult this situation is - that your DW isn't going to be able to come and that you don't feel able to take on the best man role and stay around for the time that the best man would need to be there (ie reception as well) while she's stuck at home with the kids.

I don't see why the weddding would be the place for parents (of groom or bride) to invite their friends. If I ever get married I have quite a bit of family in the first place, as my parents have both been married several times, and would want to have my own kids there (especially if it's my current dp who is their dad that I'm marrying), so I'd expect to invite nieces and nephews (and stepsiblings including offspring!. But I wouldn't invite parents' friends unless they happened to be people I see as my friends as well... So I'm puzzled by that.

Horton · 11/12/2008 20:40

I'm really amazed at all the people who positively want their children to be uninvited. I love taking my daughter to weddings etc. She's never been naughty, always enjoyed it and I've always had a better time for having her with me. One wedding we went to asked for no children at the ceremony and we were happy to comply. DH took her out for a play in the graveyard (he hates churches and I love singing hymns) and everyone was happy. The only one that was hard was when there was no high chair available and 1 year old DD had to sit on my knee for the meal and spent the whole time stealing my cutlery and trying to poke herself in the eye. I was still happy to have her with me and would rather that than leave her behind.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Weddings
TinselBaublesMistletoe · 11/12/2008 20:55

My partner's step-brother didn't even invite us to their wedding. We thought it was odd that people were talking about it but we hadn't had our invite then his nan (never one to be subtle but great for getting info out of) said that his stepdad told her that it was because of Tink. No children had been invited, there are 20 grandchildren between the two grandparents and they're not seen separately - ie his own sisters's children hadn't been invited either. The bestman's child hadn't been invited either and he decided to pull out. On the day we had a phone call saying "get over here now!" As they'd decided it was unfair to not have the children.

I hate the idea of not inviting children, although I may think about a creche for my own wedding, especially when it's family children. There's better ways around saving money that not inviting nieces and nephews.

piscesmoon · 11/12/2008 21:25

Traditionally the bride's parents paid for the wedding elkiedee, so they invited their friends. If you pay for your own wedding you invite who you want to invite.

wilchil64 · 11/12/2008 22:56

I got married last year and we asked our friends to leave their children at home for the ceremony - it was very small and in a registry office and very important to me, I wanted it to be perfect, I didn't want children crying or chattering in the background whilst I was saying something as important as my vows. But we did ask them to bring their children to the reception afterwards. I think that's acceptable - it's their wedding, their special day, they choose how they do it.

madamelapin · 11/12/2008 23:29

how about a compromise with children at the wedding and then no children at the party afterwards. It is what we did, and worked well, but is reliant on compliant grandparents/other carers to come and pick little ones up. The little ones think that they have been there for the important bit and their parents have fun when they have gone home.

hnl · 12/12/2008 00:30

I had a child free wedding because I simply don't like other people's children very much and didn't want to pay for the priviledge of them ruining our day. Happily none of our immediate family had children. I think we would have made an exception for nieces and nephews but not the numerous offspring of distant cousins and friends.

Of course I adore my own child (even though I really don't like them as a sub-species!) but there is no way I would inflict my "spirited" (AKA ASBO) toddler on someone else's wedding day. We went to a Christening recently and I had to remove him from the church after a sustained bout of him climbing over pews and repeatedly shouting "Big fat pigeon!" - (at a stained glass dove). Imagine that as you were taking your vows - funny but not guaranteed to make the bride smile!

vlc · 12/12/2008 01:25

These threads tickle me.
Some places are appropriate for children, and some are not.

The Opera? Not really.
The zoo? Yep
A nightclub - hardly
A child-friendly restaurant - yes

A bustling, informal family wedding - yes
An adult, reverent, formal wedding - no

What's so hard about it, really? Go with the flow, surely?

MadamePlatypus · 12/12/2008 10:05

"What's so hard about it, really?"

I think the problem is that finding childcare to cover a wedding is not easy - not everybody has a handy relative or friend to step in. Its a little like asking somebody to a wedding abroad - you can't be surprised if some people aren't able/can't afford to come. Really it depends on your family set up, and you can't have a wedding without offending somebody. However, asking somebody to be best man but not taking into account how this will be inconvenient for him is a little off.

If all your friends and family are wealthy and child free have a wedding in Barbados. If all your friends and family live locally, start the wedding at 5pm and celebrate in the evening. On the other hand, if you are asking people with children to spend a whole day/weekend at your wedding (and pay all the associated costs) you aren't a very good friend if you don't at least pay lip service to wondering what they will do with their children.

threestars · 12/12/2008 10:53

If you know a trusted friend to babysit your 2 year old, then you could arrange something for him, and then just bring the 4 month old. A small baby won't be running around, taking up an extra chair, needing some of the 3 course meal etc.
And just tell your brother and his fiancee that 'of course' your baby is far too young to be left with a babysitter. If they're reasonable, they should understand that, and since they've asked you to be best man, they obviously want you to be there.
If they still disagree, ask them what they suggest, and who they suggest looks after them. It's unlikely they'll come up with a solution.

daffyd · 12/12/2008 11:43

i think differnet people and differnet cultures think differnetly about weddings.In the indian culture it would be strange not to invite children as most people have them!Also they are noisy, fun places to be in and the children can run around and dont need to keep quiet-except maybe during the vows in the temple.I think European weddings can be problematic when children are present especially during the speeches, I can see both sides of the story-but honestly any immediate family children should be invited-there is no doubt about it-brothers/sisters children should go-they are your immediate family-surely one of the parents can handle the child/take them out during speeches?thats what I did at a friends wedding.Weddings are supposed to be fun not perfect! No-one will remember the perfect table setting but they willl remember the warm lovely glow from being around friends and families.

mup · 12/12/2008 21:29

We had more high chairs at our wedding than the caterers had ever seen before - we already had a 2yr old and had friends with kids (and lots without). fortunately there was lots of outdoor space/ kids stuff to entertain them and we didn't hold back on the party - it's (mis)remembered as a wild reception that ended sometime around dawn with the hardcore headbanging to the band's version of guns n roses and my husband being sick while his mate collapsed after inhaling a helium balloon ... who were the children again?
that said i much prefer not taking DD1 (4) and DD2 (13m) to weddings for the sake of my sanity and the nice dress i might want to wear again , although the older one does love the dancing.
good luck sorting it out. i only had so many at my wedding because my parents could not be trusted to be civil to each other and i wanted safety in numbers! but it was lovely

ilovetochatupsanta · 12/12/2008 21:33

imo our dd is part of our family and she goes where we go for family events, if she isn't invited, we don't go.

MrsMerryHenry · 12/12/2008 21:40

I've always thought it odd when people have a no-children policy. To be perfectly honest I think it reflects an abnormal view on children and, well, life. Aren't children just as much a part of life as adults?

It's often people who want life to be tidy and controllable who have this outlook - the rest of us can cope with the idea that life doesn't always go as we expect.

However, I did attend a wedding like this once, and took our DS to the childcare which they'd kindly arranged during the reception (he was allowed at the service). He was about 17 mos.

We had a great time, and so did he - I was really surprised and impressed. He even fell asleep at the right time and didn't wake up until we'd driven him back to the hotel.

There's probably not very much you can do to change their minds (or maybe you have already - I've only read your post) but the best you can do is explain to both parties what your feelings and concerns are and why you feel that way. Definitely don't let the rest of your family get involved otherwise the couple will feel attacked.

Then let them mull it over and be prepared for them to not have changed their minds.

Best of luck.

MrsMerryHenry · 12/12/2008 21:41

vlc - I'd love to see you take a 4 month old and 20 month old to the opera and see how they handle sitting through 5 hours of Wagner!

Heated · 12/12/2008 22:31

To the OP - imo you should be the "bigger man" and be the BM (it's their wedding, however misguided you and I might think they are) but, as others have said, leave once the evening proceedings are underway.

Resist too the temptation to take a side-swipe at the sprog-hating newlyweds in your speech; your dw's & dc's absence/early departure will speak volumes!

vlc · 12/12/2008 23:26

I took my 2 week old to a wedding, my dh was the best man. dd cried as the service started, so I stayed outside the room during the service so as not to disturb the ceremony or vows. I missed the service, obviously, which was a shame, but I would have been mortified if we had disturbed such a moment. We enjoyed the reception, though!

For what it's worth, I think close family should be given extra consideration, and to exclude their children from the entire day yet expect the parents to attend is unreasonable.

Other than immediate family though, I think it's acceptable to invite adults only, if the wedding is of that ilk. And acceptable to decline such an invitation, if that doesn't suit!

lunamoon2 · 13/12/2008 00:16

At the end of the day it is the brides special day and not really a family get together. The family can do this any time. We didn't have children at our evening do, but none of our friends had children. Day time was differnet and I did have young bridesmaids.
Having said that as a parent now, I and my family come as a package. I have turned down invitations (though not to weddings) during the daytime that stipulate no children.
Don't think it is worth falling out with your brother over. Why not go and be the best man and then tell them you have to leave immediately to look after your children.

Libra1975 · 13/12/2008 09:24

Oh for goodness sake, having a child-free wedding or even not wanting children at a wedding does not make them (or me) "sprog-hating".

Also this "package" deal as a family, you are still your own person as well as being part of a unit, the unit doesn't have to go everywhere you do sometimes it's fun to do things without the children - they won't grow up as mass murderers because you left them one saturday afternoon to attend a wedding.

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 09:33

It is fun to do things without the DCs, but a lot of people don't have the luxury of having someone to sit for a whole day, or whole day or evening. Often anyone who knows the DCs well enough to sit is going to be at the wedding and unavailable.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 13/12/2008 09:49

I've quite happily left the children to go to wedding. BUT in this case one of the children of the best man will be a young baby and therefore cannot easily be left. So the invitation is effectively inviting the brother, but not his wife. That would piss me off (and sorry but does come under bridezilla heading). .

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 09:55

Have you reached a decision shawad?

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 13/12/2008 10:43

God, most weddings are really boring for everyone except the bride and groom anyway IMO!

sticksantaupyourchimney · 13/12/2008 11:08

I don't get this idea that by marrying someone you have to accept their ghastly conformist breeder-obsessed family as well. Maybe the OP's brother is marrying a woman who will help him break away from his child-obsessed relations. Maybe the idea is to offend all the family so the brde and groom can have the wedding they want without a bunch of shambling Albert Square types muscling in on the photographs.