DS not invited to brother's wedding

[shawad]

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

I don't understand adults who actively want to bring their children to weddings, as most of us enjoy a night off. But what some of us are saying is it's not always possible to arrange the childcare and then the hosts have to either be sensitive to this or accept key guests may not be able to come.

You might not mind the wife of an old school friend attending but IMO a future sil not attending is a fairly major omission.

My bil recently got married and announced he'd rather it was childfree, though as immediate family he made an exception for his nieces. I just gently explained that as the wedding was in a remote location involving an overnight stay he'd have to expect a number of drop outs as finding an overnight babysitter for small children isn't at all easy unless you have hands on grandparents. He accepted this and said to guests we'd rather you didn't bring children but understand if you have no choice. In the end about one third of the guests brought some, one lucky third left them behind, the other third didn't have any. The children all behaved fine and when they did have wobblies (ie dd1 announcing she needed a poo during the best man's speech) they were speedily removed from the room. In the evening a babysitter was provided 9we were in a hotel), the dcs went to bed and the adults boogied the night away. The married couple considered parents' wishes, we all did our best to make our children behave at appropriate moments and everyone was happy

I recently took dd(2.5) to a wedding. I felt stressed as hell the whole time, would have had a shit time had dp not been very supportive.

I would have had a more enjoyable time either without her or if I could have relaxed about making sure that she was perfectly behaved and didn't break anything in the church or luxury hotel so whilst I sympathise with the OP wanting his children to be invited, be careful what you wish for imo!

Oh FFS!

I did something a bit different at my wedding - I had a 'no over 5s' rule as it was in France and I knew that under 5s can't really be left in the same way as over 5s can. One couple refused to come. That was fine with us. Maybe they could try this rule?

Now whenever someone invites us and DS to a wedding I practically beg them not to force us to bring him - adult company is fun!

my bil is getting married on 30 dec - theyre in australia at the minute for a ocuple of years and are coming back to get married. They are having a no kids wedding apart from nieces and nephews - 4 of which are under 5 and 1 is 12.
They have excluded the under 5's from the ceremony and speeches ane are going to provide a nanny for these parts of the day. I fully appreciate their position and think that maybe they could let the children in the ceremony as long as the parent took them out of there was any disturbance. However my dh is going onhis own and will be coming back straight after the emeal after a lot of thought as i can imagine i'm just going to spend the time
"minding" my dd and keeping her amused as i dont think kids of that age get anything out of weddings. Also i'mnot happy to leave her with a nanny i dont know etc - but i have an added complication in that dd is asd so this makes things also very difficult!!! i think that close family should be invited and allowances made as long as the family themselves reciprocate and are willing to make sure the children are not creating merry hell at those all important times!

Were you and your husband under 5 when you got married, LittleOneMum?

lol fio! Actually weddings are kind of make believe and dressing up based, aren't they?

lol!

You look beautiful, lom.

"we see the wedding as a family event". Come on, it's not really, it's THEIR WEDDING. What if they had decided to bugger off to the Caribbean and not invited any of you? Would you have been "upset and angered" as you are now?

Have you talked to the bride about excluding the baby? Surely excluding children wouldn't apply to a babe-in-arms of 4 months old?

So couldn't you just leave the older one with the in-laws and just take baby?

And why should she want your parents friends? As people keep saying, ITS THEIR WEDDING!

It sounds like the real problem is you don't like your future sister-in-law, and can't understand the fact she doesn't want children.

I think not having children at weddings is rather freakish, myself. I always think it reveals the couple's desperate desire to have every single ounce of attention directed towards themselves.

However, I can see that cost can be a factor.

(Then again, I think that expensive weddings are in questionable taste, and would far rather have a wedding in a scout hut with kids than without them in an 'hotel and conference centre, with fine dining provided by our chef John Jean, who recently joined us from catering college France'.)

In this instance your brother is effectively making it impossible for your wife to attend. 4 months is, in many people's opinion/experience (though not all), far too young to leave a baby for any length of time, particularly if they are breastfed. So your wife is excluded by default. Which is odd and sad.

Perhaps you could put it this way, and ask him to reconsider?

I've never understood the children-at-weddings fuss. Up to the bride and groom, I'd have thought. But then I would generally go to great lengths to avoid having to take my children to weddings (except when tiny - took ds aged 3 months to a wedding in Moscow last year as obviously far to small to be left).

My brother is getting married next year and I pre-empted any "children at weddings" controversy by lining up the in-laws to have the dcs for weekend. Brother and his fiance have no friends with children at all, and the idea of my two running amok at a sophisticated adults-only event was a bit much for me. Plus am convinced the dcs would be bored and fractious.

Was all great until my SIL-to-be asked dd to be a bridesmaid. So will have to deal with one bored and fractious child. But am still packing ds off to Granny's house.

There seems to be 2 camps, one camp where the parents love the idea of having a child-free knees up and the other where the parents regard being asked not taking their offspring to a wedding as a personal affront. And never the twain shall meet.

They might meet - just not over deep-fried camembert.

I think it is fine if they go off abroad or elope-if they pay. If parents pay then then they can have a big say.
I thought, traditionally, that it is also thought of as the bride's mother's day (I can safely say that as I will never be the bride's mother!).
I still think they are about families-my DS isn't a foundling-if he gets married the bride gets me and DH, doting grandparents,aunts-etc etc!!

OK my twopence worth (since everyone else has had their say).

I think weddings full of children are wonderful.

I think weddings without children are fine if that's what someone wants.

I think excluding the children of the best man who are related to the groom to be utterly bizarre and very bridezilla.

I have been to lots of weddings where the only children are immediate family and think this is what should have been done in the this case. How can you ask someone to be a best man then not let them bring their children?

Erm what would I do. If I was the OP dw I would say 'bugger it if I'm going, you go by yourself and come home early'.

Oh and finally I think people who exclude children but invite dogs need to be locked up (except wannabe of course who will have had a perfectly valid reason for having a dog in attendance!).

Perhaps if it is the summer they could keep the DCs outside and take turns at being in or out, making sure that they are not seen or heard!! They would just have to make sure that it was the bestman's turn when he was needed. (tongue in cheek-please don't take me seriously and get cross!)

Hey, I disagree with all these posts saying you're overreacting! I agree with stitch - I think you're being very contained about it!

I think weddings ARE about families. I can see how she might feel as she does, having no experience of being a parent, but once you've got kids they change you completely.

I haven't had family around to rely on for childcare so my kids (dd 4 1/2, ds almost 2) HAVE to go just about everywhere with me. But that's the way I like it. I simply wouldn't want to leave my kids to go off to some pain in the bum wedding with a pain in the bum sis-in-law that would irk me throughout. I think it'd just make you feel even more bitter about it.

Don't fall out, just simply say that you know she and bruv don't undertand yet but that it's different when you've got kids, especially little ones, and that you're very, very sorry but you just won't feel comfortable going without them. Say that you can understand and respect the fact that he doesn't want kids there (even if you don't) but, similarly, they've got to understand and respect that you wouldn't feel happy leaving them behind. They're entitled to have things their way, but the same goes for you too. You're priorities completely change when you've got your own kids, so they've got to respect that too.

Droves of kids just make a wedding, in my opinion. It's the point of life and, traditionally (although obviously no longer the case), the point of marriage. Hubby's relatives do huge family weddings with balloon models and magicians for the kids and they're SUCH fantastic events. I never was big into family before we had ours - I waited ages before I could commit. Consequently, we 'eloped' to a Scottish Castle for our wedding. That was mainly because we wanted a nice wedding but didn't want to spend the type of money it would have taken to stage an equivalent bash for everyone. We didn't want to say, "You can come, you can't." It was lovely, but now I see that families are the point of life, I'd love to do it again with a huge family bash!

If it's any consolation, I'm sure she'd be mortified in the future if she did ever have kids of her own.

Any chance of a compromise whereby the kids don't go to the service, but your wife could maybe take them straight to the reception? How would you all feel about that?

Fair is fair. Everyone makes decisions. Everyone understands that all decisions cause consequences. It doesn't even have to be emotional. It's not about hurt feelings, selfishness or exclusion. People are welcome to have child-free weddings. If that doesn't work for me, I don't have to attend.

My choice would be to not attend the wedding or serve in any function whatsoever. I would logically and calming explain that I have made a choice to create a family of my own. As a result, I have to make decisions which are the right choice for my family. The family I have created are the people to whom I have primary allegiance and responsibility. I would extend heartfelt joy, all appropriate well wishes and inquire about a time when all of us could get together to celebrate their wonderful relationship.

As a side note, I did attend a most thoughtful wedding where great attention was paid to providing inexpensive, creative activities for children so they weren't up under foot. In our circle of friends, people always talk about that wedding and how stunning K & A were to go out of their way to make each and every guest feel welcome, cherished and comfortable celebrating their joyous moment.

This is a difficult situation. We had a child-free wedding, but the reception was on a boat so the health and safety implications were just too much to consider!

And if I'm being honest, most of the parents who attended (and there were MANY) we absolutely thrilled and overjoyed at having an evening off as a couple. Even my husband's sister left our niece with her husband's parents so they could let their hair down.

At the end of the day, even though they're family, they're entitled to have wedding they want to have, whether or not you agree with it. I wouldn't pull out over it - that'll just sour relations for a lot longer than the situation actually warrants.

I think children should not be excluded, but surely it's up to the parents to decide if they want the added hassle of having their children tag along.

We had children to our wedding, and it added to the family atmosphere. I did not see my wedding day as about me, but about me and DH, and our families. The children (or child, may only have been our nephew who was less than one) added to the day.

We have since been invited to weddings, with our DCs, and have decided that it would be better to us (!) to not have them there (rare child-free days for us!). I think it is particularly gracious for the bride and groom to think of children - we have been invited to a wedding in December,and the b&g, who are as yet childless, have specifically asked how many highchairs will be needed!

It sounds like your brother is not marrying a particularly gracious person, I hope this is not the start of years and years of arguments and resentments.

i got married earlier this yr and have 19 cousins with an average of 3 kids each. we invited our godchildren and the children to whom we are specifically aunty/uncle too, this included my best friends 5 yr olds. it meant that children who are close to us came but we couldnt accomodate more esp as each baby/child counted as 1 guest at the meal even if they didnt eat anything. it did mean that some of my cousins didnt come but they were invited. 1 cousin had in laws nr our wedding so the children came to the service and then went to grandparents. other weddings have had childcare arranged in a separate room with food there as well. i do think that as the grooms immediate family your 2 should be invited as they are immediate family.

We had a 'babes-in-arms' only policy (and welcomed 6 babies) with the exception of immediate family (my then husband-to-be's 3 nieces and my nephew). there was one other exception: my god-daughter, the child of my chief bridesmaid whose grandma (and only childcare option) was also invited, but as a flower girl.
Our policy was largely to do with the fact that marrying later than many of our friends meant everyone had kids and inviting them all would have added 21 people to our list (and costs). I actually sometimes regret it, I love kids and the ones who came were pure delight. It was basically a financial and logistic decision.
We had very mixed feedback from parent friends. Some relished the free night of booze and dance, others missed their sprogs but had fun, and some refused to come without their kids. We respected all those views. But I think if it's actually family it's fair enough for you to ask for an exception - you can't really not go! But be prepared for a no.
personally speaking now that I have a daughter, I'd quite like a boozy night off with my husband, if i could arrange adeqate childcare, but if you're bringing your other kid it's totally understandable you want both! Good luck.

I don't have strong feelings about my children being invited to weddings as I have plenty of available grandparents around to babysit. However, in general, if you invite somebody to a social event, but expect them to find childcare for a whole day/weekend, what you are really saying is "I hope you can make arrangements to come, but I'm not too bothered if you don't". This is perhaps acceptable when you need to limit numbers - not everybody can afford a venue that accommodates children, but its a very odd way of asking somebody to be a best man.

One thing you need to remember is that as a best man, you have a really busy job on your hands. The last thing you'll need is your toddler bothering you or stressed wife dumping the baby on you.

I've been in all situations, husband being best man (like being single at a wedding), had kids at our wedding whose parents promised that they would remove them in noisy, yet they're screaming throughout the speeches, and gone to weddings without the kids - they have been the best ones.

Enjoy the day without the kids - surely you have some friends who will have them for you. We have no parental childcare but rely on friends for very special occasions such as this.